Flipit, Schoonie and FozzieBare here! We got together to watch the premiere of Big Brother Ten and man, how not disappointed were we! Welcome back, homies!
FozzieBare: Anyone see Hellboy 2, before we start?
Flipit: No. I was busy babysitting my niece, Hellbaby 1.
Schoonie: Me neither. Last movie I saw was Hancock, and can I just say: DO NOT GO!
Flipit: I saw it and I was uncomfortable the whole time. I have a healthy fear of drunks living in trailers who think they are superheroes. I am from Texas and have learned that lesson one too many times.
FozzieBare: Really? I wanted to see Hancock. I love Will Smith. I used to put on an apron and blackface and pretend I was Jada Pinkett-Smith making dinner for Will.
Flipit: Funny. I’ve always pictured you as a strong black woman.
FozzieBare: It’s starting!!
The bot greets us in a red bustier-like dress.
Welcome home, suckas.
Flipit: Is that a bustier top and ruffles? That dress looks like it was stolen off of Renny. All she’s missing is a boa.
FozzieBare: I like the dress. She looks like a tranny at a whaling station.
Flipit: Be sure to tell her that if you ever meet her. Total compliment.
The bot explains that for the first time since season 3, everyone in the house will be strangers and there are no secret couples.
Flipit: So the guinea pigs are out? They were the best part of the summer.
Schoonie; I love how they’re driving home the point that no one knows each other. It’s like “This one won’t be so crappy! I promise!”
Flipit: No secret couples, but don’t worry! There are still misogynists and bigots! YAY!
The contestants range in ages from 22-75, and there’s even a gay cowboy!
Flipit: The gay rodeo is a total gay porn invention.
FozzieBare: No. Madonna invented it first.
Flipit: My bad.
The HG’s will find out their first challenge in just a moment…
FozzieBare: Ah! The first “but first” of the season! I’ve missed this skinny bitch.
Let’s meet the HouseGuests at home when they get their keys! If you missed our original intro article, click here!
Schoonie: I’d like to start things off by saying: Fuck Brett Favre. Completely unrelated, but there it is.
FozzieBare: The old man caught a football!
Schoonie: There. Now it’s related.
Flipit: I love that Dan is posing right under the cross, just in case Jesus is watching. So. Wrong.
FozzieBare: He’s terrifying. Catholics normally are, but he adds hair product to the equation.
Schoonie: There’s Libra’s black and white twins! Those things are awesome.
Flipit: Now everyone’s gonna try and have a pair. In the preview, she said “all my white friends say black and white twins! That’s adorable! And all my black friends are like grrrrrrrrllll, oh no one’s black and one’s white? Lord.” LOL. Love her.
Flipit: This one scares the hell out of me. I would so not want her to finance my car. I can just imagine her showing up with a tire iron when I’m late with a payment and then cleaning my apt. Wait. She can clean if she wants, but I’m not paying.
Schoonie: Ok, Renny is awesome. She has a band behind her.
Flipit: Shirley McClaine before she lost her zest for life! LOVE HER!
FozzieBare: Ugh. Katrina didn’t try hard enough. Too soon?
Schoonie: I think I made a Katrina joke a couple of seasons ago, so you’re okay.
Flipit: A. ouch and B. LOL. Don’t worry. Idol Gives Back sent New Orleans some crayons and mosquito nets. They’re totally fine now!
Schoonie: Ollie’s key was inside the Bible! That has to be against some religious tenet…Also, isn’t that where Natalie found her key?
Flipit: Dan’s gonna be jealous. Jesus is totally rooting for Rerun. I think that’s the book of Job. Someone’s gonna break out in boils. Ah, Bible humor.
Michelle gets her key with her large family and tells us she’s Portuguese.
FozzieBare: Don’t blame being annoying on being Portuguese.
Schoonie: Michelle is harsh, yo.
Flipit: Poor, sad Michelle. She smells like pets.
Schoonie: Did you see her dad’s mustache? It’s PHENOMENAL!
Flipit: He’s the Joel Siegel of Portugal.
Flipit: I feel for this girl. She’s gonna have some serious back problems in her old age.
Schoonie: I dare one of you to make fun of her brother.
Flipit: I’m googling Corky pics as we speak, just to piss you off.
FozzieBare: “I won’t do anything to embarrass the family name, Turdburger.”
Flipit: The brother is handicapped, big deal. He’s also white. Libra is so their mom. I smell a twist!
Schoonie: Another Hooter’s waitress. Does Hooters pay for this exposure?
FozzieBare: Hooter’s was founded on exposure.
Julie gathers the HG’s in front of the house and tells them their first competition is to vote on the first Head of Household before they go inside.
Flipit: I hope this vote doesn’t involve chads. I would hate for HBO to have to make another boring ass movie about the controversy.
FozzieBare: Ahh, it’s an election year. They’re totally playing up that angle.
Schoonie: Yeah, because the Big Brother people are always trying to remain culturally relevant. Did they forget to plan a competition? That’s what I’m betting.
FozzieBare: They have to choose HOH before they know anything about each other. It’s about time they start basing this show on looks alone. I’m tired of ugly people getting a free ride on network television.
Flipit: Ouch, Rerun! Too many patterns going on.
Schoonie: He’s too skinny to be Rerun.
Flipit: He’s Rerun at his goal weight. Vote Rerun!
Flipit: The gay cowboy looks like he’s gonna cry already. Come on, girl! Represent!
Schoonie: Keesha looks scared.
FozzieBare: Yeah, Hooters is shaking…er, jiggling.
Flipit: It’s just a vote! What a bunch of wussies.
They vote by secret ballot and then the bot lets Renny, Dan, Angie, Jessie and April into the house.
Schoonie: That’s the ugliest house I’ve ever seen.
Flipit: The theme is decades? I can’t wait to hear Renny’s stories all the way back to dating Barney Rubble. She’s a talker.
Catholic Dan tells us that he is way too manly for the pink room or the peace and love room…
Flipit: Where’s the room we get to beat up gay people and single mothers?
Renny chooses the hippie room because she loves the old Volksweeagen. Her dad bought her one when she was younger. She says “I got stopped a lot. By cops.” Beat.
Flipit: You don’t say.
Schoonie: I love that accent.
FozzieBare: I wonder if anyone came a knockin’ when the Volkswagon was a ‘rockin?
Flipit: I can’t even make fun of her. Every time she comes onscreen my jaw drops to the floor. Who dresses so boldly like Mrs. Roeper on purpose? LOVE.
Libra, Keesha, Brian and Memphis are let in next.
Schoonie: We should choose now. Who’s out first? I say April.
Flipit: I hope so. Her eyes are turning my blood cold.
Memphis puts on a racoon cap and introduces himself to Renny, who asks if he’s sure he’s not Daniel Boone.
Flipit: He’s like, who’s Daniel Boone?
FozzieBare: Renny was only forty during that Revolution.
Everyone hugs and giggles. Brian thinks they are all just being nice because no one knows who the HOH is.
Flipit: Or their moms taught them MANNERS, ass.
Steven, Jerry, Ollie, and Michelle are let into the house as Renny walks around giving the peace sign and cackling.
FozzieBare: God. She hasn’t even been there ten minutes and Renny’s already stoned.
Renny asks Jerry about his Marines hat. “Is it from World War Two?” Half the house is already completely mortified by her.
Flipit: Renny’s making old jokes? Love it. That’s like me making gay retard jokes.
FozzieBare: Or me making…gay retard jokes.
Schoonie is silent.
The HG’s all sit around the living room and have a glass of champagne. Well, not Ollie. He’s too pure. Libra introduces herself and talks about her twins.
Flipit: She seems so damn nice. It’s unnerving.
FozzieBare: I hope she turns out to be like Omarosa. I miss the crazy black bitch stereotype. Ya don’t see that enough anymore.
Michelle tells everyone she’s Portuguese and warns them (and promises us) that she’s crazy.
Flipit: Hi. I’m Michelle. Please date me and or clean the litter box. PLEASE!
Stephen mentions the rodeo, but leaves the gay part out.
Schoonie: He didn’t tell them he’s gay! Is that, like, a thing? Can someone please tell me?
Crickets from Fozz and Flip.
FozzieBare: “I’m single, I haven’t found the right person yet. When I do meet that person that person and I will get civily unionized and attain some children”.
Renny blabbers on about herself.
Flipit: I didn’t understand a word of that. She talks like she’s got a mouth full of M & Ms.
Schoonie: Why is Dan dressed like Night at the Roxbury?
Flipit: He just gave the disclaimer that he might seem like a hypocrite while he’s here, but he’ll ask for forgiveness later. LOL, confession pass. At least he’s honest.
Schoonie: Jessie’s a douche.
Flipit: He’s hot!
Jessie says he’s a natural bodybuilder, “believe it or not.”
Schoonie: He even did the douche wink and clicking sound!
Flipit: I sure hope he doesn’t talk much.
Brian’s turn. He says that he’s from San Fran and he “licenses spectrum microwave telecommunications sales.”
Flipit: HUH? Microwave what? Is that a fancy name for telemarketer?
Libra doesn’t buy it either.
Schoonie: Oh, he sells cell phones!
Memphis talks about being a “mixologist”.
Schoonie: This is the part where people should once again Wikipedia “mixologist”.
Flipit: Does he have plugs? How can a bartender afford plugs? I’m so learning a new trade. He just called himself a chef for alcoholics! LOL.
April acts all bimbo-y and introduces herself as a car finance manager. Ollie falls in love, saying the Lord has blessed her.
Flipit: Dr. The Lord blessed her. Do you have his card?
As if hearing Flip, she blurts out that her giant fake boobs are real. Stephen can’t believe it.
FozzieBare: Gay cowboy just outed himself! “Shut up, girlfriend! Those are so not real!”
To prove it, she makes Jerry feel them.
Flipit: Jerry just crapped his pants.
Renny is mortified by the boob touching.
FozzieBare: “He’s a gradnfowathah!” That accent is going to kill me.
Flipit: When Renny thinks you’re acting inappropriately, you’re in trouble.
Schoonie: Wrong house to judge people in, Ren.
Julie addresses the HG’s from the big TV to announce the HOH.
Schoonie: Someone just called her “JC”, which is odd because I just noticed that she has the same initials as Jesus Christ.
FozzieBare: And James Caviezel, who played Jesus Christ.
Flipit: And Julie Christie, who’s a good actress but has never played Jesus Christ. SPOOKY!
Before the HOH is announced, there will be a food comp. Since there are 13 people, someone has to sit out. Jessie volunteers himself.
FozzieBare: Jessie is going with the Dr. Will never play or win anything if you can help it strategy.
Flipit: Jessie is just like Will, minus the smarts and the charm. Wait. He’s nothing like Will. But he works out so good for him.
The HG’s all go to the backyard, where there are cars waiting for them.
FozzieBare: Cars upside down in the back yard! It’s like Billie Joel’s house!
Flipit: LOL. Or the after hours set of the Herbie remake. Lohan, you ok?
There are classic cars, too, that aren’t upside down. The winner will get to take one home!
Schoonie: Wow! They’re already giving away a car. That’s cool. They can drive it around the backyard.
Flipit: Congrats! You won a four hundred dollar a month gas bill!
Julie describes the game, which has to do with transporting gas cans in the upside down bugs.
FozzieBare: I already don’t understand.
Flipit: Neither does Rerun.
FozzieBare: It always amazes me that these dipshits get these rules when i’m like “what, who’s going in the car? What are they doing with it? Why is there gas? They have to eat a car?”
The challenge begins. Libra is the first to drop out of the car, saying it’s ok because she doesn’t even want to win the classic car.
Flipit: Obama wouldn’t approve of that gas guzzler. Let me out!
FozzieBare: I like this people falling out of cars challenge. People falling is always funny.
Memphis tells us that he doesn’t have a car, so he really wants to win this one.
Flipit: Shouldn’t have spent all your money on plugs, Mixie.
Ollie says that he wants to win BB to help his family.
FozzieBare: If I won the money, I would never talk to my family or friends again. I would buy new family and friends.
Flipit: Gawd. Steven has to win the car because his car “blew. UP” the day he came to BB. Of course he’s a drama queen. He probably had to replace a belt.
FozzieBare: I still have no idea what’s going on, but I’m riveted.
Flipit: Renny’s the first out of the car on the red team because she made no effort. She had enough of overturned cars back home.
Things aren’t looking good for the white team.
Schoonie: What if Jerry doesn’t get to eat for like three weeks? I’m legitimately worried about him.
Flipit: Eh, he’ll be fine. He does more pushups than any of us. I saw it in his bio.
FozzieBare: He survived on rations during WWII, he can handle a little slop.
As if on cue, Jerry falls on his ass.
Flipit: And….Jerry cracks a rib.
FozzieBare: I’m still pretty sure he can kick my ass.
Schoonie and Flipit: Me too.
The red team, and specifically Memphis, wins, and the white team doesn’t look happy. Poor Jerry won’t eat for a week after all. He was, however, voted the first HOH.
Flipit: Renny is all offended she didn’t win. I think it’s funny that the two oldest were almost tied. It’s like the young ones think they will be easier to con. I hope they both get to the end!
The bot gives Jerry a long speech about the honor and responsibility of being HOH, as he nods gravely.
Schoonie: It’s like he’s Spider Man and Julie is Spider Man’s uncle.
Flipit: Don’t fuck up, grasshopper.
Catholic Dan explains that now that Jerry is HOH, he is going to talk to Jerry and try to get who he wants on the block.
Flipit: Yes, Dan. That is how it works. Welcome to the game, dumbass.
Schoonie: Oh, Dan. It’s way, way early to be strategizing. You have to keep your head down the first three weeks!
Flipit: Of course he’s going to align with Brian.
Schoonie: Always trust the guy who sells cell phones.
FozzieBare: Douche attracts douche.
Dan pulls Brian aside and mumbles.
No, because it was unintelligible even to the guys who make subtitles.
Next, he goes and mumbles his case to Ollie, who is in. Dan trusts Ollie because he looked into the “blacks of his eyes.”
FozzieBare: That sounds racist. If this were a horror movie, Dan would get killed horrifically. Well, Ollie would die first, but Dan would go painfully.
Schoonie: Rerun actually seems like he might be kinda cool. Ollie is the name of the awesome Family Guy weatherman, too. IT’S GON RAIN!
Jerry goes up to check out his HOH room and family pics.
Flipit: He was hot back in the day! His wife looks exactly the same, though. Yikes. I bet he knocked her up and had to marry her. That’s what you did back then.
FozzieBare: If that wasn’t popular in the 40′s I wouldn’t be here.
Jerry talks about wanting to win for his wife.
Flipit: Why do violins play every single time Jerry opens his mouth? The producers are like “old people! AWWWW! You guys look! He’s old! OLD WOW OLD.”
I get it! I’m choked up, ok? Jesus.
Time for bed.
Flipit: Jessie’s so whiney. Poor giant dumdum needs his sleepies. After all that work he put into the challenge earlier.
Schoonie: The gay cowboy is sleeping with Renny?
Renny starts screeching in the dark, telling everyone the door has been locked and they can’t get out.
Flipit: The twist: This year is like SAW!
FozzieBare: I hope she cuts off her own foot.
Schoonie: That screeching!
Of course, the door wasn’t locked. Renny cracks up at herself. Loudly.
FozzieBare: She thought the doa was lowacked but it wasn’t lowacked. It’s hilorias!
Flipit: OK now I think you’re typing Spanish. Renny’s laugh sounds like a wind vacuum sucking me into hell. She should never ever laugh ever again.
Jessie is all upset because he didn’t get any sleep. He confronts Renny later.
Flipit: Oh wah, Jessie.
Schoonie: He’s such a whiner.
Flipit: You know he’s mad cuz he’s pulled up his hoodie. Boys in Da Hoodie. Rough trade, Jess.
Schoonie: She said she’s sorry. He won’t let up.
“I’d be embarrassed if that was my sowan.”
Flipit: In all fairness, he’d probably be embarrassed if he was your sowan, too.
Schoonie: Word to Renny and her treble clef earrings.
FozzieBare: “A turban! A fucking turban? Who am I, Gloria fucking Swanson?!?”
Flipit: Jessie better hope not. He will end up face down in a pool. Go, Norma Desmond!
Schoonie: Oh, it IS a wig! AWESOME!
Flipit: I hope she has different colors. Maybe a fro. God, please don’t let her get kicked off yet. Love.
The next morning, the guys sit around and diss Renny. Memphis says “she’s way off the reservation.”
Flipit: What does that even mean? Memphis makes up sayings that don’t make sense. American Indians are all upset right now.
Schoonie: The guy who calls himself a mixologist should totally be judging the mental acuity of others.
Flipit: Now he says her elevator doesn’t go to the top floor. What does that mean? Oh Memphis, shut up and make me an appetizer.
Brian goes up to the HOH room to kiss Jerry’s butt, telling him his dad was in the Marine Corps.
Flipit: Riiight. PS call me when we’re outta here and I’ll get you free nights and weekends. Jerry is lecturing Brian about this being a game of manipulation, which is extra adorable because he’s totally being manipulated.
FozzieBare: Did he just cuss?
Schoonie: Old man cussing makes any show better.
Jerry aligns with Brian and tells him that if he ever wants to talk in private, to make a big X by crossing his arms.
Schoonie: He has arm signals and shit. He has clearly thought this out. When you want to talk, walk up to me and say “I WANT TO TALK” in a really loud voice.
FozzieBare: Just flap your arms and go CaCAW! CaCAW!
Flipit: Sidenote to Jerry’s wife: You let him pack that shirt? You’re slacking, woman! It looks like he borrowed that from Jessie.
Brian says he doesn’t want to see Dan put up (captain obvious) and tries to get Jerry to go against Renny.
Flipit: Jerry’s like oh hell no, that crazy bitch will kill me. Dammit. Brian’s convincing him! Jerry just said he wants to “get the drama out of here.” WHAT? NOOOOO!!!
FozzieBare: I can’t get mad at Jerry. He’s so sweet. Like Wilford Brimley, but without the raw sexual magnetism.
Schoonie: Those glasses? Are awesome. Too bad she’s probably toast.
FozzieBare: She’s dressed like Thelma and Louise.
Flipit: After they jumped.
The HGs gather around the kitchen table to get the nomination news. Everyone looks nervous.
Schoonie: HAHAHA…Stephens shirt says “Pure Gravy” but when he had his elbows on the table, it said “Pure Gay” and I was like, “Why didn’t he tell them?”
Flipit: And Rerun is looking over his shoulder gayly. This show is just too fucking rich.
FozzieBare: Michelle has been very quiet so far. So un-Amberlike of her.
Flipit: Give her time. She will start missing her cats. And her dogs. And her birds. And her fish. And her hamsters. And her turtle. And her rock.
Jerry nominates Renny and Jessie for eviction.
Flipit: NOOOOOOO!!!! The hot one and the hilarious one!
Schoonie: Hopefully they’ll get rid of Jessie. He’s a douche.
Flipit: I doubt it. They all hate Renny and the girls have to keep some hotness around. It’s human nature.
FozzieBare: If the immunity challenge is about cat eye glasses or leopard print lame’ capris pants, she’s totally safe.
So what do you guys think? Are you as psyched about these loons as we are? Thanks for reading the liveblog! We will be back Wednesday morning with regular recaps! xo