Big Brother: Look Who’s Talking OH MY GOD, IT HAS FANGS

Soooo…didn’t think I was going to have to call a priest over to my house this evening to exorcise the demon babies from my DVR. Thanks a lot, show.

After the nomination ceremony, Dan says he’s not happy to be nominated, but is happy Memphis isn’t on the block too. Jerry tells us that is goal is, of course, to get Dan out of the house, because he is still too blind with rage to think about anything else. He tells Keesha she should be okay, and she’s like “Yeah, right. Eat shit, old man.” Memphis tells us that he wants to find a way to get rid of Renny, because she’s pretty much the only one he doesn’t have a deal with at this point. Dan goes into the doom room and starts talking to himself “Let’s see what the Magic Man has left in his wand,” he says. Um, gross.

Soon Keesha comes in to commiserate with him. Dan tells her that there’s a way that they can both stay. She wants specifics, but he wisely refuses to name names so he doesn’t have anyone on his ass. Their theory is that Jerry wants someone up from each little duo, so whomever gets taken off the block is going to have their friend go up in their spot. Please, Jerry isn’t that smart. With him, it’s all about kicking ass and remembering how to spell names.

Dan goes up to the HOH room to talk to Jerry. He tells Jerry that there are no hard feelings about the nominations. “If you gang up on me,” Jerry says, “I have no choice but to look at that situation.” Wait, was that statement meant to explain something? How does that justify nominating Dan when you just talked about how everyone but you is part of a group? I think the jorts are cutting off the circulation to his brain. Jerry then tells him that who he puts up pretty much means nothing, because the POV is actually more important at this point. Jerry tells us that he’s making all these statements to cover the fact that he has an alliance with Memphis. Wow, what a ninja you are; I don’t think you’ve succeeded in anything but making us wonder what the hell you’re talking about.

And now, the segment I was really hoping would make the show, because it made me very happy when I saw it on the internet the other day and I wanted all the world to bask in its glory. It’s almost as good as Lisi falling. Almost. So, Jerry is in the backyard with Memphis and Dan, and they’re looking up at some skywriting that is totally unrelated to the game. So Jerry isn’t paying any attention to where he’s going, and BAM! IN THE POOL, BABY! Man, that is rad. He comes up for air almost immediately, muttering about his ass hurting from that fall he took. Oh, karma. I thought you had left the Big Brother house permanently sometime during Season 3, and yet, we have this:

After Jerry recovers from that badass tumble into the pool, he sits in the HOH room with Memphis, asking him about his loyalty. Memphis tells Jerry straight up that he’s going to do what benefits Memphis himself, but that he’s going to be loyal all the way to the end. Memphis tells us that he’s going to reinforce all the side deals he’s made with Jerry, Keesha and Dan to make sure that he’s got a spot at the end of the game. We get a little montage of him saying the same things he said to Jerry to Keesha, and then to Dan, except Memphis is wearing the coonskin cap in that one, because the v-neck does not make you quite tooly enough. The only problem with this strategy, of course, is that he can’t win anything from now on out, because it means he’s going to have to betray someone by either nominating certain people over others (thereby declaring an allegiance) or by choosing his final two partner if he wins the final competition. He literally cannot win a comp from here on out because he’ll have to screw someone over, somehow, thereby losing votes. The strategy could win him the game, or it could sink him.

Dan sits down at the kitchen counter with Renny as he tells us that he’s been entertaining himself by aggravating her. Indeed, she looks like she would be fun to pick on, and it is hilarious to watch her get all excited and yell crazy stuff. He ends up playing the mimic game with her until she completely loses her shit and tackles him, just like Eric did to Dick that one time. That little number right there is probably not helping the whole “Dan is America’s Player” thing he’s been trying to dispel.

Dan continues to aggravate Renny later that day, coming into peace room and making snide comments to her. “Tell me something funny, Dan,” she says to him. “Hold up a mirror,” he responds, making the “BAM!” finger guns that you make when you know you’ve made a lame joke, but cannot resist because someone’s made themselves such an easy target. Renny, slightly annoyed by Dan, starts getting all paranoid about the game, asking everyone what they think. Dan says it’s pointless to speculate, since they’re “all on the same boat, and that boat is named the S.S. Jerry. We have to go where the boat takes us.” Next stop: Jort Island.

Dan continues to pick away at Renny until she gets fed up with him, which causes her to…spank him. Kinky! He’s lays there and mutters “physical violence!” undoubtedly quoted verbatim from the Big Brother handbook, and she gets all huffy and storms out. Renny then tells us in confessional that she would really like to get Dan out of the house. Apparently, she’s planning on accomplishing that by having drinks with F. Scott Fitzgerald and doing the Charleston until the sun comes up.

Veto competition time! Big Brother sends everyone to different rooms, and you know what that means: it’s time for the stupid face mashup thing that they do every year. This year, they are babies composed of Big Brother houseguests, and you have to guess who the “parents” are. I would like to point out that a prime opportunity was missed here: how awesome would it have been make the houseguests wear giant diapers and hold huge rattles for this? You’re dropping the ball, Grodner.

So anyway, there are scary hybrid Cylon babies all over the place. It’s tough to tell which is the most disturbing, but the Jerry/Michelle combo would definitely be the one that grossed me out the most re: imagining the moment of conception.

So, anyway, there is racing and name placing and whatnot. Dan appears to get done pretty quickly. Jerry sucks at this game, as with all things in life. Memphis also gets it pretty quickly. Keesha is too grossed out about her “gorilla” baby with Stephen to do well and she makes little noises every time a new baby is onscreen. Renny, of course, is the most awesome to watch. First she tells us that her baby (with Jessie) was the only one that was cute, and then when the crazy Drag Queen Jerry/Michelle Devil Child appears onscreen, she can’t figure out who it is, even though it is probably the easiest fake baby hybrid ever. Wow, I can’t believe I just legitimately typed that sentence. Renny’s signature kooky theme music starts playing as she spends a bajillion years switching everything around and the demon spawn looks on.

When the times are revealed, Renny is about eight hours behind everyone else, and Memphis ends up winning the veto for doing it in a little under three minutes. Jerry tells us in confessional that he hopes Memphis keeps his word and keeps Dan and Keesha on the block. I don’t remember Memphis ever promising not to use the veto this week, but we’re getting to the time of year where my head gets filled with NFL stats and primetime schedule grids, but I could be wrong about that. I’m pretty sure I’m right, and that’s enough, so we’re going to all go with the “Memphis never promised that” theory, if only because it gives us another reason to dislike Jerry.

After the veto, Memphis greets Dan in the backyard with a “what it do”. What, no “wamp wamp” prefacing it? So sad. (Yeah, I just made a Clipse reference. What about it?) Memphis tells Dan that he’s going to take him off the block, but he’s gotta stop the “antics” or they can’t continue. He wants to make sure Dan’s not gonna do anything crazy like he has been. He also makes Dan promise to send Renny home instead (since she’s the only possibility as a replacement nominee) and not to put him up if he wins HOH next week, since he’s already pulled that shit once. Memphis tells Dan that he thinks it makes it an equal playing field if Renny leaves, because he thinks everyone else is pretty much equally hated. Yeah, I’m totally sure Libra, April, Michelle and Ollie are all like, “You know who I hate? Memphis! And you know what? If I had to quantify that hate into an integer between 1 and 1000, that integer would be exactly equal to the integer that would represent my hatred for Dan. What a coincidence!”

Meanwhile, Keesha and Renny are in the kitchen, bitch about how Memphis is going to “throw them under the bus”. Part of the reason why I like this season so much is because the phrase “thrown under the bus” has been largely absent. Also, who else is there to throw? What, you want he should take the two of you and be outnumbered next week? Boo.

So Keesha corners Memphis outside and asks him what he’s going to do. He begins by promising her that she’ll be around next week, which should have answered her question right there. He tells her that he’s going to take Dan off the block and get Renny put up, so he can get her out, since she’s such a threat to him. He also promises Keesha that he’ll take her to the end if he wins the final HOH competition, so I think he’s got it worked out that he’s gotta throw at least that one. Keesha hates this plan because it involves trusting Dan, which is always a shaky proposition to her. Wait, why is that? He’s had your back every time it’s been called for. I mean, he’s done it in crazy ways, but he’s always had her back. Don’t worry your cute little physical defect that actually makes you hotter about it.

BTW, I had a fraternity brother in college who had a fake tooth from a baseball injury, and when we would (binge) drink he would take it out and set it on his shoulder and ask passersby if they would like to pet it, and it was awesome. He would also occasionally order drinks for it in restaurants.

Jerry talks to Memphis and tries to persuade him not to take Dan off the block. Jerry tries to make this argument by telling Memphis that he can’t really see Renny winning the whole thing, but that he can see Dan winning. In what world does Renny lose in the final two and Dan wins? Then again, Jerry does live in a magical backwards land where sleeveless t-shirts and jorts are acceptable for daily wear, so I digress. During Survivor last season, I was also like “Man, there is absolutely no way Parvati is winning this, ever,” and then: bam.

Veto ceremony. Memphis calls everyone into the living room, and Dan speaks first. He tells Memphis that it’s his 25th birthday, and so it would be nice to, you know, be saved from eviction. Keesha gets her chance, and tells him that it’s a difficult choice because they’ve kept each other safe throughout the game, so no hard feelings. Memphis, of course, uses the veto on Dan, stating that he’s watching out what’s best for him and not anyone else, which is a smart move because that’s pretty much what every evicted houseguests final words have been. Jerry then has no choice but to put up Renny, so it looks like Memphis’ dastardly plan is almost complete. A smart move by Memphis, I must say.

Jerry tells us he had Memphis’ word that he wouldn’t take Dan off, but again, when did he ever explicitly say that? He insinuated it, but I don’t remember him making any statements. I don’t remember it, and I’ve recapped Jerry’s entire reign in the HOH chair so far. Boy, this keeps happening to Jerry. But you know the saying: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I call you a Judas and make myself look like a giant asshole.

Oh, and at the end of the show, the announcer promises that we’re going to visit the jury house on Thursday. Oh, goody!

You can email Schoonie: schoonie_45[at]yahoo.com.