Big Brother: May the Best Boobs Win

Tonight on Big Brother, the term “womanizer” officially becomes an offensive slur.

Wait til I call him a commie. That’ll really get him goin’.

Jessie may very well be the hottest man I’ve ever hated.

Yeah, I’m looking at you. You wanna piece of me? Come on. Take a piece. Please? Where are you going? Come back here!

We begin this week with Julie catching us up on the happenings in the house while wearing a cream colored tasteful knee length pencil skirt and fitted jacket over a silk camisole. She’s totally a hot tran….I mean a “holler at your boy.” Jessie isn’t sweating the nomination though since he has such powerful thighs. Michelle on the other hand is devastated that one of her girlfriends, either Jessie or Angie, will be going home. Michelle obviously gets more than hair styling tips from Whamber, as she also learned how to ugly-cry on queue.

I don’t know who told you The L Word was cancelled, but I think they were just trying to get you riled up.

Outside Memphis talks more smack about his arch nemesis Jerry. Jerry and Memphis mix like oily skin and retained water, so Memphis hopes to take the HOH and get Jerry’s surprisingly tight ass out of the house.

Angie takes a chance to campaign with Jerry for her safety. Jerry reminds Angie that Memphis, Michelle, Jessie and Angie were acting too cocky about their supposed control of the house last week. He also reminds Angie that she has nothing against her personally, but hates The Toolbelt and all of its coconspirators.

Speaking of tools, Jessie is upstairs again pleading with Keesha to save him, reminding her that he’s lost weight and more devastating, muscle-mass. Memphis comes up and tells the two that he overheard Jerry tell Angie that she wasn’t out of the game and had nothing to worry about.

Outside Michelle takes a chance to grill Angie once Jerry walks away and Angie runs with this opportunity to stir up some shit, since it takes the pressure off of her and her freakishly small nostrils. Michelle is livid that Jerry said she had control, considering she’s never had control over anything in her life including the animals that constantly invade her apartment or her hair.

Jerry goes to the HOH room and tells Keesha that Angie was trying to sway him, so that he stays in the good graces of the power which they expect to shift back to The Toolbelt next week. Keesha asks Jerry if he told Angie that she was safe and he denies ever saying that. Luckily this is one time that something Keesha believes is actually true. Hooters is not considered “paying your dues” on a resume and sex does not equal love, Keesha. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Seriously. Stop flirting with me.

When Jerry goes to the kitchen Michelle is waiting there, looking like Dark Phoenix in a 2-piece. She confronts Jerry about what she was told she heard, but Jerry reminds her that she isn’t worth his time, or mine for that matter. Angie simply sits and watches the confrontation when Jessie gets involved hearing Jerry tell them that he doesn’t go where the power is because if any of them win HOH he will pull down his mail order shorts and take a steaming dump on their bed, not in as many words as that though. Angie is thrilled that her ruse to stir up the house may have actually worked.

Later, during some downtime April and Keesha are scrubbing the dead skin and *&% of their face, Renny is washing her margarita glasses, Jessie is shredding his glutes while wishing Mario Lopez was doing it for him, and the rest of the houseguests are chillaxin in the grotto when the earth starts to shake. Everyone panics and runs to the center of the back yard for safety. After a minute the trembling stops right before Jerry wanders into the backyard and says, “did anybody else notice that everything stopped shaking for a minute?”

After everything is back to normal Jessie is relaxing after a hard day of adoring himself when he looks through the window and sees Libra glancing at him. Jessie blows an adoring kiss before waving and mouthing, “You’re going bye-bye.” Libra is pissed and confides in her quickly crumbling coven of what Jessie did to her. I’m reminded of a line from Tom’s Diner which goes, “There’s a woman on the outside looking inside does she see me? No she does not even see me, she sees her own reflection.” This easily explains the misunderstanding.

Later when Jessie is walking past Jerry in the hallway Jessie takes a note from 101 Ways to Insult Your Grandfather Before He Dies and calls Jerry Father Time before making a fart noise. After Jerry tells many of his houseguests about this the group starts to debate their voting options since the most offensive thing Angie has done was her ping-pong ball trick that first night.

During Julie’s chat with the houseguests she takes a moment to ask Michelle what her first thoughts were when she saw the airplane banner (which coincidentally had nothing to do with Big Brother and was really just John Travolta sending a shout-out to the bear community). Michelle incoherently answers that her first thought was “oooooo” and that a couple other people “sawr it” too. Next Julie asks Memphis why he got angry so quickly for Jerry calling him a womanizer. Memphis replies, “Because I love cock, Julie.” Next Julie asks Jerry if he has apologized and he says yes. When Julie asks him if he has apologized to Michelle for the words he had with her Jerry says, “Who the hell’s Michelle, talking television?” Renny also had a birthday this week and Julie asks her what the best part of celebrating her birthday in the Big Brother house was? Renny says it was celebrating it with all these wonderful people, excluding the “douchey muscle-head, the old guy and that other one.”

Come on over here and let me give you a birthday spanking, ya little minx.

When Julie takes a chance to speak with Keesha in the HOH room Keesha once again states her loyalty to Libra although admits to liking Renny more, and who wouldn’t? The question from the studio audience asks Keesha if she thinks that the houseguests underestimated her. Keesha replies that she absolutely does since they all just thought of her as a ditsy blonde but everyone knows that’s just a vicious stereo system.

Back downstairs it’s time for the voting to begin. Angie delivers a well thought-out speech reminding the houseguests that only one person is going to win the grand prize and they need to vote based on who is a bigger threat. Jessie also delivers a speech about how he had a 32-inch waist and can pick up pencils with his nipples.

When the votes come in it’s not a surprise, considering Jessie is such a raging tool and hated by everyone, that Angie is evicted in a unanimous vote of 8-0. Ever the classy broad, Angie hugs everyone and leaves the house with a smile.

During the taped messages to Angie all of the houseguests tell her that they like her and will miss her, except Michelle who swears a blood-oath to make those “who did this to you pay for what they’ve done.” By Ceptar’s hammer she swears.

You’re right. That is big enough for a fist. Congrats, pet lady.

After the break Julie reminds us that the worst idea in Big Brother history, America’s player, is being brought back thankfully for only one week. The player nominated is the smarmiest, most vile and deceptive worm in the house, Dan, who gladly accepts the chance to screw over his friends just like it says in Corinthians 16:12.

The new HOH competition begins and it appears to be an endurance challenge. All of the houseguests are perched on a makeshift ledge, holding onto a metal bar behind them. When the game begins Julie tells the houseguests that the game was inspired by the horrifying earthquake, which hilariously killed 4 people. The wall starts to shake and leans forward before we leave the houseguests to endure this challenge until only one person remains or Jerry has a stroke.

Well what did you think? Should the houseguests have kept Jessie over Angie? Will Libra be outed as a flip-flopper like most Democrats? Can you tell that I’m secretly happy that Jessie is staying in the house? Discuss.