Big Brother: Most Boring Betrayal Ever

Tonight on Big Brother, Kevin makes 987 fug faces and Michelle gets depressed and goes for the razors.

Previously, Jordan almost had to get airlifted out of the house for a broken Ziplock.

Kevin is amped up this week, and he goes from making a wacky face or two an episode to making like a hundred in less than five seconds.

We start where we left off: With Kevin teaching us that if you’re probably not gonna win anyway, you might as well advertise for a husband upgrade.

And I can cook, too!

He doesn’t stop with trying to get his ankle behind his neck.

Ok, thanks. You might wanna start trying to win, now.

No one’s having an easy time of running down the slick lanes with their cups of chocolate milk leaking all over the place, but I feel the worst for Kevin, because in addition to the falling, he has to listen to Natalie’s nasally yapping “don’t let it leak! It’s leaking on the sides! Kevin don’t let it leak. Don’t fall. Don’t leak. Don’t fall. Don’t leak.” SHUT UP!

Jeff cheers Jordan on like the dad of an armless child at a swim meet. It’s hopeless that she’ll ever win, but it’s sure cute to watch her try. Kevin says that he hasn’t won jack cracker and if he doesn’t win this challenge then he deserves to go home. Nat almost falls backward, but thankfully Yul Brenner is right behind to catch her.

Jeff is positive that no one would lie to him on Big Brother, so he’s happy go lucky, thinking he’s safe. Cut to post eviction, where Nat tells us that her master evil plan of getting rid of Jeff is near it’s completion! All she has to do is…win a challenge. Not gonna happen. Next! Maybe Kevin will win! Better plan.

At first I thought Jeff was being a smartass when he hugged Russell on his way out and told him “keep it classy, brah”, but turns out he meant it. Russell really left with some grace, according to Jeff. He left kissing Donato ass and looking like a bumbling hack minion, in my humble opinion. I might think differently if he’d at least taken off his shirt one last time. It’s kinda sad to see Russell’s headshot change from color to black and white. Like he’s being kicked out of LA and back to community theater.

Kevin, for one, is glad Russell’s gone. While telling us this, he makes a hundred new fug faces.

Jordan was so nervous Russell was going to get saved that her armpits are sweating. She gets even more flummoxed when it starts to rain in the HOH comp. The rain doesn’t stress her, but trying to figure out if “slipperier” is a word almost puts her into a catatonic state.

Michelle has figured out a way to get more liquid in her holes. By using her hands to squeeze all the excess milk into the…ok this is just getting disgusting. Kevin, who looks a bit behind, says it’s important to get in a rhythm and “Don’t fall, foo!” Are the gays celebrating Dr. T now in slang? Cuz I’m not ok with that. Just my vote.

Jordon starts off strong, but the rain and the weight of her new Ziplocks start to wear on her, until she’s slipping and biting it consistently. Jeff thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world and laughs and laughs. So do I, but I’m not trying to bang her.

He laughs and tells her to watch her cup. She looks down at her boob. LOL. He asks if she popped it and she answers honestly. “I don’t know.” Just in case, she holds it. Poor thing has two holes to plug now.

Natalie keeps falling on her ass too, while wacky organ music plays. She’s even getting beat by Jordan, so decides now’s the time to save face. She tells us that Kevin’s winning, which means she’ll be safe anyway. Why show any of the HGs that she’s a strong competitor? HAHAH. Oh! So you’re incapable of winning ANYTHING on purpose? Well, I gained eighty pounds this year because I was sick of everyone treating me better just cuz I was so much hotter than them, so I understand. DELUSIONAL! She gives up, and doesn’t try to hide it. Kevin starts getting pissed that she’s making him do all the hard work, and as dumb as she’s proven herself to be, it’s amazing that she’s doing this a couple of weeks after Kevin voted out his BFF.

The tense music pounds, like it’s close. It’s not. Kevin is way ahead the whole time, and Michelle, his closest competitor, can’t stay on her feet. He fills his bowl to the top but his marshmallow isn’t popping up. Finally, he remembers an old trick from his rest stop trucker servicing days.

He’s so scratching his phone number on that glass on the way out.

He’s either really happy that he won, or he’s auditioning for the roll of Grizabella in Cats. I can’t tell anymore.

Natalie assumes that she’s safe, but at this point no one’s safe unless they win veto. Michelle knows this was her most important week and she’s screwed. Are you bored? Then let’s watch a nice long commercial about old people doing it.

Is Cialis a boner pill or x? Dang.

Who wants to stand in line with me all night Monday?

Kevin and Natalie (who has taken a shower! See? Was that so hard?) talk about who to put up. Kevin reasons that they have to gamble on the veto comp being either physical, endurance or mental, and Jeff’s a triple threat. He must mean that Jeff can sing, dance and act, cuz Kevin can’t honestly be calling a guy who says “what’s my assurances” and “got got” smart. Michelle comes in while they’re talking and Nat hums and paces and “watermelon watermelon watermelon”s until she leaves. Smooth as ever.

Natalie is convinced that the challenge will be mental next time, which means they should get rid of Michelle. AW!! Michelle gets so sad that she goes to lay in bed, cry, and break out in her party dress. Why is she dressed like she’s going to the rose ceremony on The Bachelor?

Soft sad music plays while she sobs, and then she goes to the diary room to sob some more about how lonely she is. AWWW! Think of it this way, you could be friends with Kevin and Natalie and want to scratch your eardrums out every time they started talking about the same things over and over again. Trust me, being alone is probably your best chance at mental well being at this point. She got so sad that she shaved off half her eyebrows.

She needs to man up and watch the instructional chola video on youtube. If you’re gonna go there, go all the way, sister!

Don’t watch this at work.

Time to see Kevin’s HOH room! I’m predicting a Cabbage Patch Doll collection and a basket of Hello Kitty pencils. What I’m not expecting, though, is for his boyfriend to be FINE!

The HGs are shocked too, and can’t stop saying “I can’t believe he’s so hot” in every different way possible. They keep saying he looks like Enrique Iglesias, and in his basket, Kevin has an Enrique CD. Wow, that’s positive thinking! It gives me hope one day that my looping “New York, New York” CD will mean I can marry Liza Minelli. Yes, it will probably mean a few vodka bottles upside the head, but I can take it.

Kevin immediately starts crying when he reads his boyfriend letter, and Jordan claps. LOL. The letter says that HBF fell in love with his “genuine essence”, which is a kinder way of saying “your playdo face”. The letter is sweet, and I believe in love again. That’s a lie, but at least I’m trying. Kevin gets so worked up over the letter that he goes and plays with a hose.

Outside, Jordan says that you don’t know what you have until you almost lose it. No, she’s not talking about her right boob, she’s talking about how her family’s house went into foreclosure and they became po. She says she wants to live with her mom forever and she takes care of her, and Jeff looks on lovingly and tells us that the fact that she helps her mom financially is one of the things that makes him likelove her. I’m sorry, but if you’re spending your money on your mom instead of making my car payment for me, we can’t be together. Unless you have like three jobs. And a penis.

Later Jordan and Natalie talk about manicures. When this show gets down to the final few, it needs to move to a half hour slot. I could be studying another language right now. Natalie thinks it will be Jordan and Michelle on the block, but says that she will evict Michelle and Kevin better stick to the plan. She figures that since Kevin is in charge, he can get the blood on his hands when he flips the deal over. She is called to the diary room, and Jeff has come in and started snuggling with Jordan. She is convinced that Kevin is gonna backdoor him, and dramatic soap opera music plays as she braids his hair.

Take Chantix. Suicide is way better than smoking. WTF?

And now for a Jordan’s a Fucking TwitShit scene. This week, our heroine tries to figure out what a peach is. Jeff tells her she’s eating a nectarine, and she refuses to believe it and storms out pissed off after Natalie confirms that she is, in fact, eating a nectarine. I imagine her having this argument with her mother in some trailer parked off to the side of the road for the rest of her life. The thought makes me sad. And what did she do to Jeff’s hair when she was braiding his bangs? She pulled that shit out!

Finally, things get interesting. Woops sorry. No. There’s a dragonfly in the backyard! Natalie’s afraid of it. This leads to a discussion on why God invented bugs in the first place. Oh no. This is deep. Jordan’s brain is gonna start leaking out of her ears.

Later, Kevin and Michelle talk in the kitchen. Kevin basically asks her to plea to stay, and all she can say is that she’s playing alone while Jeff and Jordan are a team. Natalie comes in, plops down right between them, and starts playing a very angry game of solitaire. She buts in and says that Michelle should go cuz she doesn’t trust her and she’s aligned with the other side. It wouldn’t be so bad if she stopped there, but she keeps blabbing on and on about not trusting Michelle until Jordan and Jeff are there to hear it too. It’s strategy, you see. I love that Nat comes up with every strategy in the book besides WINNING SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Great talk. Let’s do it again sometime.

Michelle stays in the kitchen and mopes while everyone goes into the other room to talk about how she’s a liar and needs to go home. Then I pick some lint out of my belly button. I just wore a white t-shirt today. How did I get red lint in my belly button? Open for discussion.

After the most riveting section of this hour, the commercial break, we come back to all the HGs laying around. Kevin decides to play a game show with Jeff to see whether or not he and Jordan are compatible.

Pat Gayjack

Do you like girls who can’t figure out how time works or know what a peach is? No? Woops.

Do you like girls who refrain from wiping boogars on you? No? Not looking good.

Do you like girls a decade younger than you that you can boss around, control, and shout at for no reason at all and then wait patiently for them to come right back to you?

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Jeff likes girls who can look good in sweats with no makeup on cuz they’re truly cute and not hiding any fug. He doesn’t like stupid girls, girls with southern accents, or lazy girls, but hey. You can’t have everything. Poor Jordan must feel like she just got a Valentine’s card with poop on the inside.

Kevin hangs out with Michelle later and asks her how he can trust her. This conversation is totally gonna be more exciting than it was the last four times they had it. She says that she is alone, she got screwed by Jeff and Jordan, and she can put her fist in her mouth. He’s like ME TOO and then they hug and decide to align. Just kidding. It ends with Michelle looking half browless and depressed and Kevin making a really hideous face.

Jeff and Jordan come up to the HOH after Michelle leaves, and Kevin assures them they’re safe. Jordan tells him that Michelle will be coming after him next week if he doesn’t get rid of her. Jeff thinks she should go cuz she’s smart. Jordan leaves and Jeff stays. He asks Kevin up front if he’s sticking with the plan. Kevin chooses now to be honest, saying Jeff and Michelle are going up. Jeff says Jordan should go up and he will play POV to save her and Kevin’s like yeah, duh. That’s the point and then my partner will be on the block. Wow, Jeff, you’re really a salesman. Jeff reminds him that they had a deal and he screwed his final four deal to save Kevin. He stays calm though, which makes Kevin confused again and he doesn’t know what to dooooooo!! Grow a pair, already. Jesus.

Commercial time. Every other ad is for a different drug that gives you diarrhea. Then we come back and Kevin is wearing it. I recently went with my niece to the zoo and let her have way too much cotton candy. Kevin looks like the after effects of that day all over the car floor.

Kevin stares at the wall and everyone takes time to repeat the same things to us that they’ve said a million times this hour. He ends up putting up Jeff and Michelle. He apologizes and says they’re just up cuz they can both kick his ass. Next time, there’s an HOH twist!! Another one? Jeeze, Grodner, why don’t you just have them all pick straws for the half a million and put us out of our misery.