Big Brother: Natalie Just Needs a Good Home, Y’All

After the nominations and the numerous flashbacks, we receive the following new information during the first five minutes of the program: Matt’s pants are dumb. Seriously, he’s wearing highwaters. I do not understand why people who know that they are going to be on camera 24 hours a day insist on bringing dumb things to wear. I mean, I was wearing overalls and yellow galoshes during the podcast last week, and y’all didn’t know until I told you just now. What? I like to take advantage of new technology while dressing like Paddington Bear. It adds a certain irony to the proceedings.Josh tells us that he’s happy Allison is nominated because she’s “ugly inside and out”, which is a very Disney way of looking at things. Chelsia (because she is smart) tells us that she really wants to get Matt and Natalie out of the house because they’re the bigger threat. Josh and Sharon talk in the HoH after the nomination ceremony, and Josh is very proud of himself for not going off. Good for you for not acting like a dick this one time! That makes you…one for twenty million! Hey, at least you’re still ahead of Dick and Daniele.

Downstairs, Matt is giving James and Adam shit for never having been on the block. Adam is like YES, I AM VERY LUCKY! LET’S GO PUNCH BABIES! IT IS ALL ABOUT TIMING! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LIGHT A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL ON FIRE IN FRONT OF A HOBO! Sheila is bragging to Allison and Natalie in the kitchen about never having been nominated as well, and you guys know how Big Brother is with the foreshadowing: it’s been done more subtly in Daman Wayans movies.

And now, a montage of Natalie harassing Matt for some of that sweet, sweet Boston Cream Pie. She is absolutely, positively pathetic, asking him for a massage like eight billion times, following him around like a puppy, asking him for a massage like eight million times. Matt bitches about how much she follows him around, and if you didn’t want someone stalking you, YOU SHOULDN’T LET THEM GO DOWN ON YOU IN A CONFINED SPACE FROM WHICH NEITHER PARTY CAN ESCAPE.

In the steam room (wait, they have a steam room?) Allison has a cunning plan: one of the nominated couples will win the veto and take themselves off. I know, genius, right? But wait! There’s more! That couple will then (wait for it…) campaign and save the other one! OMG, how can this go wrong? Someone put her in charge of Homeland Security!

Back from commercial, they pick players for the veto competition. Sheila and Adam get to play, and James will host. Afterwards, Matt is confident that he and Natalie can beat Ryan and Allison. Josh tells him that even if they don’t win, Josh will take him off the block and put someone else on. Before any of that can make sense, James comes out of the diary room wearing a toga. It appears that his nipple is blurred out, but it might just be some sort of offensive tattoo that says something deep about the establishment. Burn CBS to the ground!

The veto competition involves putting a bunch of puzzle pieces together while in the air, that one partner retrieves and brings to the solver. Both are connected to a pulley that means that they have to work together to coordinate the piece bringing and puzzle solving. Or something. I don’t know, it’s difficult to explain. Then you have to stab an arrow into a heart to win the veto, because that’s why everyone is dressed stupidly. We must follow the theme, even if the competition is hard to explain in paragraph form.

Before the competition starts, Sheila tells Adam that he’s going to have to be in the harness, because she is afraid of heights. It’s like seven feet in the air! What is she, related to Casey from RR/RW Challenge? That can’t be possible, because Casey is sort of awesome and Sheila is pretty much heinous in every conceivable way. Pieces are retrieved and people are hoisted. Sheila sucks at putting the puzzle together, which is supposed to look like the veto symbol.

Allison screams the entire time, and the competition is actually close and interesting when both she and Natalie only have one piece left. Ryan, unfortunately, is sort of dumb (well, really dumb) and can’t figure out which piece of the remaining ones fits into the puzzle, and it’s totally his fault that Matt and Natalie win the veto.

After the competition, Matt begins a journey through this segment in which he believes he plays each houseguest in some special way that only he can read. He tells us that to get Josh to do what he wants, he needs to appeal to Josh’s “gay” side. Wait, there’s sides to that sort of thing? Matt jumps around the HoH room, then he kisses Josh on the mouth (with Natalie in the room, who is like WTF?). Matt then tells Natalie that he’s so happy that she’s allowed to give him a massage later. Wow, the king hath bestowed a privilege upon a serf! Perhaps she will get to wash his feet, too. One can only hope.

Matt tells us that his approach with Ryan is to be “like a friend”, because he’s actually his friend. Wow, that is some deep shit. Will Kirby, pay attention. He tries to make Ryan feel better by promising to try to get the couple nominated that he wants, and Ryan names Adam and Sheila, again because he is sort of dumb and doesn’t realize that James and Chelsia is the much more logical choice. Ryan is actually much more responsible for his own fate this week than you think. It’s easy to put it all off on Allison (mostly because she’s lame), but if you look, you can see it.

Then he tells us that he has to be Allison’s “shoulder to cry on”. And then Allison…cries on his shoulder. Okay, so that one sort of worked. But then, he tells her that she needs to make up with Josh by treating him like a woman, because “gay men are just like women”. Yeah, people always ask me to describe what it’s like to work with Flipit and Fozzie, and I’m always like “What do you think? It’s just like working with women! Always throwing their tampons around and having pillow fights and making soufflés. Frankly, it’s tiring. Not to mention delicious.”

Also, this needs to be pointed out: Does Matt have a lazy eye? Because I sort of think he might.

Later, Sheila bitches to Adam about what an asshole he was during the competition, because she needs something to bitch about all the damn time or she cannot be happy. She starts yelling at him about acting like a team and he’s like WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT? I JUST SPEND MY TIME LEAVING ORPHANS STRANDED ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY! And she is like “Well, maybe I should talk to the wall, because I can have a better conversation with it.” Don’t do it, Sheila! The wall calls special needs kids “retards” too!

So then Adam’s like GO AHEAD, TALK TO THE WALL, I’LL JUST BE OVER HERE BURNING ANTS WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS! And Sheila then talks to the “wall” with James listening in on the other side. It’s dumb, and not funny, except for the part when James responds as the wall with helpful advice. See, it’s funny because the walls here are actually smarter than many of the people:

So then, Matt goes looking for Sharon, who is laying in bed not feeling well. He tells us his strategy for her is just to be “charming”. Yes, woo her, Matt. He starts asking her how to let Natalie down easily, because he’s not into girls who are always walking around “showing their thong”. At this point, he goes and hides in the bathroom because Natalie comes up to the HoH looking for him. Seriously, I’m starting to actually feel sorry for Natalie, and no one wants that. After Natalie retreats, he goes back to the whole thing, telling Sharon that he likes more conservative girls, and then he attacks her face. He’s like a zombie! Also, WTF? They are randomly making out when Natalie comes back upstairs and Matt hides in the bathroom again. He gets sort of busted by Josh (who comes in shortly before Natalie) and has to come out. Natalie starts half-joking with him like “Are you hiding from me, Matty?” and it’s all really sad and pathetic. To add insult to injury, Natalie’s ass is blurred out the entire time. It’s all so tragic. Natalie needs a good home, you guys. She’s housebroken and everything! Won’t someone adopt her so I don’t have to watch her look at me sadly through the cage bars?

I have never been in a situation where it’s been difficult to make fun of people because they are too pathetic, but…here we are. Thanks for yet another new low, Big Brother.

After Matt and Natalie leave all desperate and gross, Sharon starts telling Josh that Matt was working her, hard. Josh’s response is to tell Sharon to “whore herself out” so that they can win the game. Eloquent! Sharon tells us that she doesn’t particularly care whether she has to make out with Matt, but that he’s dumb if he thinks whatever he’s trying to do is working. Yeah, in a Matt vs. Sharon situation, I’d have to go with Sharon.

So, Matt and Natalie end up downstairs in a room with the door closed, because Matt has decided to try and let Natalie down easy. Matt starts mincing words almost immediately and…wow is he bad at this. Natalie is just not getting what he’s saying, and she responds by going on the offensive and she starts bitching at him about how mean he’s been to her. Neither person is really saying what they mean to, and it keeps getting uglier. Wow, this episode is awesome. At the end he just starts saying the word “friend” over and over again until she gets it, because she is not so far removed from a caveman that she cannot understand single word sentiments. She’s like “okay, friends” but you can tell it’s not over. Man, it’s about to get all Misery up in this bitch.

Later, Allison is eating one of the largest pieces of chicken I have ever seen when Josh walks by. She asks him what the hell his problem is for the millionth time, and he starts telling her she’s a pot stirrer, and I’m really tired of both of these people and would like them to leave the house now, please. Allison doesn’t understand why she’s a pot stirrer (because seriously Josh, pot:kettle) and Josh is like, “What does it matter, you’re going home anyway” which is both a stupid response and a statement which perfectly encapsulates their entire situation. Allison is trying to find a reason why Josh doesn’t like her, and the reason is: there is none, because Josh wants to dislike someone, and there doesn’t have to be a reason, so what does it matter? Plus, she keeps calling him “Joshuah” and acting like his mom, so they both suck.

The houseguests all come in from the backyard to find a note on the table. They gather in the living room to read it, because they’re going to need everyone to sound out a portion if they want to have it read by sundown. Teamwork! The note says that at some point in “the coming weeks” a siren will go off, and when it does, everyone is to gather in the living room for an important announcement. It would be awesome if the producers were like “Okay, you all suck. We’re out!” and it was just randomly over. Next week: a Cane repeat! I would laugh and laugh and laugh. Especially if it happened during a live show.

Allison hopes the siren will be something that helps her out, because she’s stuck “between a Josh and a hard place”. If a producer did not feed her that line, I’ll eat my own kneecaps right now. Ryan’s like “This sound could be my Hail Mary pass!” He’s really hoping that the siren goes off before the veto. Wait…why, exactly? Perhaps he is hoping that the siren will disrupt the space-time continuum.

Time for the veto meeting! Matt and Natalie ask Ryan and Allison to give a speech, which is over quickly, and the producers even dispense with the suspenseful pause and allow them to state that they’ll be saving themselves, and right now, thank you. Adam and Sheila end up going up in their place, and Adam’s face is like WHAT DID I DO? I’VE JUST BEEN OVER HERE THIS WHOLE TIME CHOKING OUT THESE STRAY CATS!