You’re damn right there isn’t. GTFO!After nominations, Natalie, Chima and Lydia bitch. I could have saved a lot of time if I had made that sentence a Shift+F1 at the beginning of the season. Natalie thinks that Michele just nominated whomever Jeff wanted her to, which is dumb, because what is she going to do, switch sides? Chima feels betrayed because she “stood up for” Michele, I guess during that whole debacle with Russell that caused so much drama. Chima’s hair is even crazier than normal during this scene. I think she has a static ball hidden in her pants.
Meanwhile, the nice people are in the backyard agreeing that it’s Chima’s time to get the hell out of the house. “They’re the biggest group of whiners I’ve ever met,” Jordan says. “They complain, they’re rude, and they won’t tell me where babies come from or explain how to work the microwave.”
“I’m bored. Do you guys have a ball of yarn?”
Chima declares that she’s pissed, and thus will be going home. Kevin correctly points out that if she leaves, she screws over all four of them. “I’ve kept my word to everyone,” Chima says. “I’ve been stabbed in the back. I won’t even give her the satisfaction of voting me out.” Yes, going completely crazypants and losing your shit is much more dignified. You’ve sure shown her!
After an inside lockdown, Big Brother has given the houseguests a putting green to practice for the veto competition taking place later. Kevin wakes up Chima to get her to practice with them, and when she gets outside she refuses to put on a microphone. Big Brother asks her over and over again, and she responds by giving them the middle finger and telling them to “Eat it.” Kevin goes to the storage room to get a microphone for Chima, and when he hands it to her she immediately throws it right into the pool. Natalie goes to fish it out, probably because she’s already dressed like a pool boy all the time.
The beginning of the world’s worst porno
Jordan tells us that Chima has been breaking rules since day one in the house, and we are treated to an awesome montage of Chima refusing to go to the Diary Room, threatening to go apeshit on the live show last week, and trying to obstruct the cameras in the bedroom. My favorite part of the montage is when Chima is all “Why do I have to go to the Diary Room noooooooooow?” in the HOH room, and Russell is standing right there and he’s like “Um, because it’s their show?”
Later, Chima sits on the washing machine and refuses to go exchange her microphone for one with a fresh battery. “Suck my dick!” she tells them, which is always a fresh insult for a lady to say. Like, G.I. Jane came out a million years ago and Demi Moore is all hot and feminine again and saying that is so 1999, so way to go, Chima. Go feed your Tamagotchi and buy some pogs, G.I. Lame.
There’s only one reason women sit on the washing machine: to piss off production.
In the bedroom, Chima lays around sullenly, declaring that she is defeated. Big Brother asks her to go to the Diary Room, and she tells them to fuck off, yet again. You’d think when you sit around all day and do nothing, you’d be able to think of some more creative ways to tell someone to go fuck themselves, you know? Like, through interpretive dance or something. Her lack of imagination is disappointing.
Finally, the majestic, cigarette studded voice of Allison Grodner booms across the PA system, asking Chima politely to get out of bed and come to the Diary Room. Chima finally gets up and goes, and when she opens the door, Allison’s like “No need to sit down, come this way!” and then Chima is guided off-screen, never to be seen again. Bye, Chima! I hope someone grabbed your leave-in conditioner on the way out, or bystanders could lose an eye!
Moral of the story: Burning someone with a cigarette? Okay. Costing production money by breaking a microphone? GONE!
Meanwhile, Kevin (who is the only smart one left in this alliance, and was really the only smart one to begin with) tells Lydia and Natalie that Chima probably isn’t coming back. They try to be all “But she dropped the microphone!” some more, and Kevin is like “Oh my god, you idiots. Come on, they are not stupid, they have fucking ten thousand cameras.” Word, Kevin.
All of a sudden, the voice of Alison calls for a meeting in the living room. She tells them all that Chima did not want to follow the rules of the game, and because of that she’s been expelled from the house. Kevin immediately goes into green room and starts to cry. “I tried to tell her,” he says through his tears. I think he’s mostly upset because this screws their game over, but he might actually care about Chima as a person too, although that one is tough to comprehend.
In the backyard, Jeff points out how completely ridiculous Chima’s being: “We’re playing a game, and one person gets eliminated and they flip out?” Russell responds that Chima (and the others) are ungrateful, and not appreciative of the blessing that they’ve been given. I’m assuming that he’s talking about being cast for this show. Is it a blessing to have a freeze frame of your dong on the internet for everyone to see? To be “selected” to travel in the same social circles as illustrious winning personalities such as Evil Dick and Mike Boogie? I’m confused.
“I’m so blessed to be able to get a table at Les Deux. Last time I was there, they made me get up so Parvati from Survivor could sit down.”
Lydia, Natalie and Kevin get told to go pack up Chima’s things. While they’re folding her clothes, Natalie completely loses her shit: “Michele did this!” Natalie says, trying to completely exonerate Chima of any responsibility. This is so ridiculous that even Lydia is like “Come on”. I mean, Lydia thought that Natalie was being unreasonable, and she makes the daily decision to walk around every day looking like she got beat up in an alley by Kenley from Project Runway.
“I hope Michele can live with herself,” Natalie says, because nothing people in this alliance ever do is their fault. “It’s not even about my friends going!” Natalie says directly into the camera, “It’s about how it happened!” Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s about your friends going. What’s unfair about someone getting eliminated for being a douchebag, and then another getting eliminated for also being a douchebag? That’s the fun part about reality TV: in life, you cannot remove someone from your existence simply for sucking.
“Natalie, stop freaking out!” Lydia says, “We have a chance to screw the people that screwed you, screwed me and screwed Kevin!” Wait, Jessie did all of them at the same time?
I hope someone washed the sheets.
After the commercial, Michele calls everyone to the living room. She announces that since one of the nominees has been evicted, her duties as HOH are now considered over, and thus Natalie is no longer nominated and can sit on the couch. The next competition will be for HOH instead of Veto, and Michele doesn’t get to compete, which is complete bullshit. Chima gets to compete when the decision and power is taken out of her hands, but not Michele? What a total double standard.
Anyway, the houseguests change into golf attire and find a mini golf setup waiting for them in the backyard, as expected. The goal for the competition is to sink the golf ball into the hole, which will net you one point. If you miss, the ball will roll past the hole into a giant windmill behind it, which is outfitted with spinning numbers higher than one.
The person with the highest score at the end of each round is eliminated and is given a prize, one of which is to become Head of Household. Just like they’ve done every season, the eliminated person can either keep their prize or steal one from someone who’s already out of the competition.
Lydia gets knocked out in the first round (also would have been a handy Shift+F1, BTW), and the first prize revealed is the HOH key. “I just knew another houseguest was gonna screw me over and take the key,” she says disgustedly. Yes, getting last place in a competition most certainly entitles you to a hard-earned prize. Hmm, who does she sound like?
Natalie is out in the next round, and her scary hair nubbins are very handily concealing her tiny goat horns.
Her prize is a Hawaiian vacation, and she decides to keep it. Russell gets knocked out next and wins a phone call from home. He trades it for the Hawaiian vacation, which causes Natalie to begin crying because now she gets to talk to her dad. She tries to thank Russell through her blubbering, and Russell’s response is great: “I didn’t do it for you, I want my parents to go on the trip. KEEP CRYING.” Natalie, torn between crying for the camera and being indignant for the camera, decides to try for both. It does not end well:
Man, best screencap ever. That rivals WHO WANTS CAKE, truly. Anyway, Kevin gets knocked out next. YAY! Jordan whispers that Kevin is safe before he goes over to claim his prize. I love that Kevin has earned himself a probable spot in the final four simply based on the fact that he’s the only person in that alliance who is not a giant asshole. It’s like how groups of girls always have that one ugly friend to make the rest look prettier, except in reverse.
So Lydia is all “Evil prevails!” because obviously America must be in love with her endearing and unique personality. And when you combine that with Natalie’s light-hearted and fun loving attitude, how can you lose?
Kevin’s prize is for 5,000 dollars, which he keeps. I feel like he has won money in every competition. Just Jordan and Jeff remain, and Lydia decides that now is the time to Break Glass In Case Of Emergency, and in that little glass case is a big giant jar of crazy. “It’s cool, Jordan, they’re just going to string you along and fuck you over at the end,” she says.
So many things wrong with that statement, and Jeff latches onto the most obvious one, which is that he saved her ass and now she’s sitting there talking shit, even though she’s been brought along by other people for the entire game. “What do you think you’re still doing here?” he says to her. “That’s fine, go to the final two, you won’t get my vote. Jordan, you will!” she says matter of factly. I hope she gets a commemorative tattoo to remind her of this fight. She could get, like, an entire strait-jacket put on her back, or the word FAIL on her forehead.
“I challenge you to a rap battle! Wait, what rhymes with Jeff?”
Jeff and Jordan talk about it, and Jordan declares that she wants to be HOH. Jeff then walks up to putt and throws the competition, knocking the ball off of the court. He gets a “spa experience” in the backyard, which he exchanges for the Hawaiian vacation. Jordan wins a “Captain Unitard” outfit, which is the red unitard from the other seasons, improved with goggles and a pink wig. Jordan exchanges it for the HOH key, and Jordan wins! Man, I cannot wait to hear her sound out all the big words in her letter from home.
When Lydia is given the unitard, she calls Jordan a “ho puppet”, and Jordan is like “Seriously?” because, seriously? I think your right hand would have something to say about this discussion, Lydia. “What you guys did to Jessie was fucked, and what you did to Chima was fucked!” Lydia yells before storming off and pouting behind the pool table.
“Take it easy Mrs. Roper, you look real classy,” Jeff tells her in response.
Wait, did he just make a Three’s Company reference? What the fuck is going on in this episode?
Okay, that’s actually pretty close.
After the HOH competition, Jordan and Michele sit in the Green Room and discuss Lydia’s outburst. Lydia (who’s pretty obviously hammered throughout this whole scene) opens the door to the room, runs into the kitchen, and pours Michele’s beers into the sink. Michele’s like “Go put on your unitard, BITCH!”, and Lydia runs around and screams and acts like a banshee, throwing more of Michele’s food into the trash. “Why don’t you go back to being a scientist no one cares about?” Lydia the make-up artist says in response. I’m sure Michele will be really torn up about that comment when she cures cancer while you’re putting makeup on Danny Bonaduce.
This is the part where Dae Yum Yum would have become Dae In Half.
Lydia storms through the house. “Vote me out!” she yells at Jeff and Russell. Jeff’s response is perfect, which is to look her squarely in the eye and say “You’re staying.” very calmly and directly, which pisses her off more than anything else could possibly have. Lydia’s like “Fine, but I’m coming after you!” and Jeff is all “Get comfy, sweetheart,” continuing to enrage her. She threatens that if she stays, she’ll win HOH and put him up, and he’s like “How the fuck are you gonna win when you’re the first person out in every competition we’ve ever had?”
Russell watches all of this, laughing his ass off. Man, when did he get so awesome? Jordan correctly points out that Lydia wants to get voted out so that she can go to the jury house and be with Jessie. If I have to watch tape of that on next Thursday’s live show, I might black out.
Lydia continues to blame them for Jessie’s eviction, freaking out and standing on the bed and challenging people to fights and punching the air and ripping the flesh from her face off to expose the skeleton underneath and breathing fire and performing fatalities. She tries to fight Jordan, then fight Jeff in the Diary Room. “Are you man enough?” she says to him, and he’s like “To what? Come to the Diary Room with a drunk chick?” and the whole time, Jordan and Russell and Michele can barely keep themselves from cracking up.
While Lydia goes to the Diary Room and cries, Jeff points out that Kevin and Natalie are not helping the situation by sitting there allowing her to make a fool of herself. Because Kevin (but particularly Natalie) are feeling petty, they take the stance that they cannot control Lydia’s actions. Jeff’s like “I can make this difficult too, I could punch a hole in that window!” The cameraman directly behind the window calls his life insurance agent to see if Death By Reality Show is covered. Man, how much would you hate Lydia if your entire job was to run around all day hidden in tiny crawlspaces behind walls and film her acting like a complete skank for twenty-four hours a day? I’d come home and hug my family after every shift.
Jordan gets her HOH room, which features plenty of pictures of her before the (apparently very itchy) boobjob:
Everyone but Lydia (who is downstairs passed out drunk) tours the room, checking out all the photos. Her letter from home is not the usual generic crap, but is instead actually very touching. Apparently she was sharing a one bedroom apartment with her mom, and when she returns home she’s going to have her own room. She tells us that she would buy a house for her family if she won the money on the show, and she’s crying and I sort of already love Jordan, but this kind of makes me want her to win, and I am not the kind of person who thinks reality TV victories should be need-based. Oh, and her parents remind her not to curse. If the word “booger” is code for sex, then what must “cursing” be code for? I bet they’re telling her not to do something totally dirty, you guys. Jordan’s family is ruining all of Jeff’s fun.
Lydia goes into the Diary Room to get her Captain Unitard outfit. Again, she looks no worse than she normally does. She runs around the house posing and attempting to be wacky, and I think we are supposed to be laughing at it, but I find her so repulsive at this point that I mostly wish that a hole would open up in the ground and one of those giant worm creatures with the sharp teeth from Beetlejuice would just jump out and swallow her whole..
Captain Tard, indeed.
We get to Jordan’s nominations quickly, because all of the crazy in the house has eliminated the need for filler this week. Also, the need for me to sleep, apparently. Overnight recapping is much easier when sixty percent of the show is commercials and stuffed unicorn montages. So Jordan saves Jeff, Russell, Kevin and Michele, leaving Lydia and Natalie nominated.
Jesus Christ, that was an insane episode. I’m guessing Thursday will be a live veto and eviction ceremony instead of a double eviction now, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see, right? I’m actually hoping that Natalie wins the veto so that Lydia goes home.
Oh, and just for good measure: Fuck Brett Favre.