Big Brother: No Need To Sit Down

Big Brother

By Schoonie | Wednesday, August 19, 2009 | 12:22 am | 44 Comments
Tagged: , , ,
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You’re damn right there isn’t. GTFO!After nominations, Natalie, Chima and Lydia bitch. I could have saved a lot of time if I had made that sentence a Shift+F1 at the beginning of the season. Natalie thinks that Michele just nominated whomever Jeff wanted her to, which is dumb, because what is she going to do, switch sides? Chima feels betrayed because she “stood up for” Michele, I guess during that whole debacle with Russell that caused so much drama. Chima’s hair is even crazier than normal during this scene. I think she has a static ball hidden in her pants.

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Meanwhile, the nice people are in the backyard agreeing that it’s Chima’s time to get the hell out of the house. “They’re the biggest group of whiners I’ve ever met,” Jordan says. “They complain, they’re rude, and they won’t tell me where babies come from or explain how to work the microwave.”

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“I’m bored. Do you guys have a ball of yarn?”

Chima declares that she’s pissed, and thus will be going home. Kevin correctly points out that if she leaves, she screws over all four of them. “I’ve kept my word to everyone,” Chima says. “I’ve been stabbed in the back. I won’t even give her the satisfaction of voting me out.” Yes, going completely crazypants and losing your shit is much more dignified. You’ve sure shown her!

After an inside lockdown, Big Brother has given the houseguests a putting green to practice for the veto competition taking place later. Kevin wakes up Chima to get her to practice with them, and when she gets outside she refuses to put on a microphone. Big Brother asks her over and over again, and she responds by giving them the middle finger and telling them to “Eat it.” Kevin goes to the storage room to get a microphone for Chima, and when he hands it to her she immediately throws it right into the pool. Natalie goes to fish it out, probably because she’s already dressed like a pool boy all the time.

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The beginning of the world’s worst porno

Jordan tells us that Chima has been breaking rules since day one in the house, and we are treated to an awesome montage of Chima refusing to go to the Diary Room, threatening to go apeshit on the live show last week, and trying to obstruct the cameras in the bedroom. My favorite part of the montage is when Chima is all “Why do I have to go to the Diary Room noooooooooow?” in the HOH room, and Russell is standing right there and he’s like “Um, because it’s their show?”

Later, Chima sits on the washing machine and refuses to go exchange her microphone for one with a fresh battery. “Suck my dick!” she tells them, which is always a fresh insult for a lady to say. Like, G.I. Jane came out a million years ago and Demi Moore is all hot and feminine again and saying that is so 1999, so way to go, Chima. Go feed your Tamagotchi and buy some pogs, G.I. Lame.

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There’s only one reason women sit on the washing machine: to piss off production.

In the bedroom, Chima lays around sullenly, declaring that she is defeated. Big Brother asks her to go to the Diary Room, and she tells them to fuck off, yet again. You’d think when you sit around all day and do nothing, you’d be able to think of some more creative ways to tell someone to go fuck themselves, you know? Like, through interpretive dance or something. Her lack of imagination is disappointing.

Finally, the majestic, cigarette studded voice of Allison Grodner booms across the PA system, asking Chima politely to get out of bed and come to the Diary Room. Chima finally gets up and goes, and when she opens the door, Allison’s like “No need to sit down, come this way!” and then Chima is guided off-screen, never to be seen again. Bye, Chima! I hope someone grabbed your leave-in conditioner on the way out, or bystanders could lose an eye!

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Moral of the story: Burning someone with a cigarette? Okay. Costing production money by breaking a microphone? GONE!

Meanwhile, Kevin (who is the only smart one left in this alliance, and was really the only smart one to begin with) tells Lydia and Natalie that Chima probably isn’t coming back. They try to be all “But she dropped the microphone!” some more, and Kevin is like “Oh my god, you idiots. Come on, they are not stupid, they have fucking ten thousand cameras.” Word, Kevin.

All of a sudden, the voice of Alison calls for a meeting in the living room. She tells them all that Chima did not want to follow the rules of the game, and because of that she’s been expelled from the house. Kevin immediately goes into green room and starts to cry. “I tried to tell her,” he says through his tears. I think he’s mostly upset because this screws their game over, but he might actually care about Chima as a person too, although that one is tough to comprehend.

In the backyard, Jeff points out how completely ridiculous Chima’s being: “We’re playing a game, and one person gets eliminated and they flip out?” Russell responds that Chima (and the others) are ungrateful, and not appreciative of the blessing that they’ve been given. I’m assuming that he’s talking about being cast for this show. Is it a blessing to have a freeze frame of your dong on the internet for everyone to see? To be “selected” to travel in the same social circles as illustrious winning personalities such as Evil Dick and Mike Boogie? I’m confused.

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“I’m so blessed to be able to get a table at Les Deux. Last time I was there, they made me get up so Parvati from Survivor could sit down.”

Lydia, Natalie and Kevin get told to go pack up Chima’s things. While they’re folding her clothes, Natalie completely loses her shit: “Michele did this!” Natalie says, trying to completely exonerate Chima of any responsibility. This is so ridiculous that even Lydia is like “Come on”. I mean, Lydia thought that Natalie was being unreasonable, and she makes the daily decision to walk around every day looking like she got beat up in an alley by Kenley from Project Runway.

“I hope Michele can live with herself,” Natalie says, because nothing people in this alliance ever do is their fault. “It’s not even about my friends going!” Natalie says directly into the camera, “It’s about how it happened!” Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s about your friends going. What’s unfair about someone getting eliminated for being a douchebag, and then another getting eliminated for also being a douchebag? That’s the fun part about reality TV: in life, you cannot remove someone from your existence simply for sucking.

“Natalie, stop freaking out!” Lydia says, “We have a chance to screw the people that screwed you, screwed me and screwed Kevin!” Wait, Jessie did all of them at the same time?

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I hope someone washed the sheets.

After the commercial, Michele calls everyone to the living room. She announces that since one of the nominees has been evicted, her duties as HOH are now considered over, and thus Natalie is no longer nominated and can sit on the couch. The next competition will be for HOH instead of Veto, and Michele doesn’t get to compete, which is complete bullshit. Chima gets to compete when the decision and power is taken out of her hands, but not Michele? What a total double standard.

Anyway, the houseguests change into golf attire and find a mini golf setup waiting for them in the backyard, as expected. The goal for the competition is to sink the golf ball into the hole, which will net you one point. If you miss, the ball will roll past the hole into a giant windmill behind it, which is outfitted with spinning numbers higher than one.
The person with the highest score at the end of each round is eliminated and is given a prize, one of which is to become Head of Household. Just like they’ve done every season, the eliminated person can either keep their prize or steal one from someone who’s already out of the competition.

Lydia gets knocked out in the first round (also would have been a handy Shift+F1, BTW), and the first prize revealed is the HOH key. “I just knew another houseguest was gonna screw me over and take the key,” she says disgustedly. Yes, getting last place in a competition most certainly entitles you to a hard-earned prize. Hmm, who does she sound like?

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Natalie is out in the next round, and her scary hair nubbins are very handily concealing her tiny goat horns.

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Her prize is a Hawaiian vacation, and she decides to keep it. Russell gets knocked out next and wins a phone call from home. He trades it for the Hawaiian vacation, which causes Natalie to begin crying because now she gets to talk to her dad. She tries to thank Russell through her blubbering, and Russell’s response is great: “I didn’t do it for you, I want my parents to go on the trip. KEEP CRYING.” Natalie, torn between crying for the camera and being indignant for the camera, decides to try for both. It does not end well:

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Man, best screencap ever. That rivals WHO WANTS CAKE, truly. Anyway, Kevin gets knocked out next. YAY! Jordan whispers that Kevin is safe before he goes over to claim his prize. I love that Kevin has earned himself a probable spot in the final four simply based on the fact that he’s the only person in that alliance who is not a giant asshole. It’s like how groups of girls always have that one ugly friend to make the rest look prettier, except in reverse.

So Lydia is all “Evil prevails!” because obviously America must be in love with her endearing and unique personality. And when you combine that with Natalie’s light-hearted and fun loving attitude, how can you lose?

Kevin’s prize is for 5,000 dollars, which he keeps. I feel like he has won money in every competition. Just Jordan and Jeff remain, and Lydia decides that now is the time to Break Glass In Case Of Emergency, and in that little glass case is a big giant jar of crazy. “It’s cool, Jordan, they’re just going to string you along and fuck you over at the end,” she says.

So many things wrong with that statement, and Jeff latches onto the most obvious one, which is that he saved her ass and now she’s sitting there talking shit, even though she’s been brought along by other people for the entire game. “What do you think you’re still doing here?” he says to her. “That’s fine, go to the final two, you won’t get my vote. Jordan, you will!” she says matter of factly. I hope she gets a commemorative tattoo to remind her of this fight. She could get, like, an entire strait-jacket put on her back, or the word FAIL on her forehead.

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“I challenge you to a rap battle! Wait, what rhymes with Jeff?”

Jeff and Jordan talk about it, and Jordan declares that she wants to be HOH. Jeff then walks up to putt and throws the competition, knocking the ball off of the court. He gets a “spa experience” in the backyard, which he exchanges for the Hawaiian vacation. Jordan wins a “Captain Unitard” outfit, which is the red unitard from the other seasons, improved with goggles and a pink wig. Jordan exchanges it for the HOH key, and Jordan wins! Man, I cannot wait to hear her sound out all the big words in her letter from home.

When Lydia is given the unitard, she calls Jordan a “ho puppet”, and Jordan is like “Seriously?” because, seriously? I think your right hand would have something to say about this discussion, Lydia. “What you guys did to Jessie was fucked, and what you did to Chima was fucked!” Lydia yells before storming off and pouting behind the pool table.

“Take it easy Mrs. Roper, you look real classy,” Jeff tells her in response.
Wait, did he just make a Three’s Company reference? What the fuck is going on in this episode?

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‘

Okay, that’s actually pretty close.

After the HOH competition, Jordan and Michele sit in the Green Room and discuss Lydia’s outburst. Lydia (who’s pretty obviously hammered throughout this whole scene) opens the door to the room, runs into the kitchen, and pours Michele’s beers into the sink. Michele’s like “Go put on your unitard, BITCH!”, and Lydia runs around and screams and acts like a banshee, throwing more of Michele’s food into the trash. “Why don’t you go back to being a scientist no one cares about?” Lydia the make-up artist says in response. I’m sure Michele will be really torn up about that comment when she cures cancer while you’re putting makeup on Danny Bonaduce.

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This is the part where Dae Yum Yum would have become Dae In Half.

Lydia storms through the house. “Vote me out!” she yells at Jeff and Russell. Jeff’s response is perfect, which is to look her squarely in the eye and say “You’re staying.” very calmly and directly, which pisses her off more than anything else could possibly have. Lydia’s like “Fine, but I’m coming after you!” and Jeff is all “Get comfy, sweetheart,” continuing to enrage her. She threatens that if she stays, she’ll win HOH and put him up, and he’s like “How the fuck are you gonna win when you’re the first person out in every competition we’ve ever had?”

Russell watches all of this, laughing his ass off. Man, when did he get so awesome? Jordan correctly points out that Lydia wants to get voted out so that she can go to the jury house and be with Jessie. If I have to watch tape of that on next Thursday’s live show, I might black out.

Lydia continues to blame them for Jessie’s eviction, freaking out and standing on the bed and challenging people to fights and punching the air and ripping the flesh from her face off to expose the skeleton underneath and breathing fire and performing fatalities. She tries to fight Jordan, then fight Jeff in the Diary Room. “Are you man enough?” she says to him, and he’s like “To what? Come to the Diary Room with a drunk chick?” and the whole time, Jordan and Russell and Michele can barely keep themselves from cracking up.

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While Lydia goes to the Diary Room and cries, Jeff points out that Kevin and Natalie are not helping the situation by sitting there allowing her to make a fool of herself. Because Kevin (but particularly Natalie) are feeling petty, they take the stance that they cannot control Lydia’s actions. Jeff’s like “I can make this difficult too, I could punch a hole in that window!” The cameraman directly behind the window calls his life insurance agent to see if Death By Reality Show is covered. Man, how much would you hate Lydia if your entire job was to run around all day hidden in tiny crawlspaces behind walls and film her acting like a complete skank for twenty-four hours a day? I’d come home and hug my family after every shift.

Jordan gets her HOH room, which features plenty of pictures of her before the (apparently very itchy) boobjob:

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Everyone but Lydia (who is downstairs passed out drunk) tours the room, checking out all the photos. Her letter from home is not the usual generic crap, but is instead actually very touching. Apparently she was sharing a one bedroom apartment with her mom, and when she returns home she’s going to have her own room. She tells us that she would buy a house for her family if she won the money on the show, and she’s crying and I sort of already love Jordan, but this kind of makes me want her to win, and I am not the kind of person who thinks reality TV victories should be need-based. Oh, and her parents remind her not to curse. If the word “booger” is code for sex, then what must “cursing” be code for? I bet they’re telling her not to do something totally dirty, you guys. Jordan’s family is ruining all of Jeff’s fun.

Lydia goes into the Diary Room to get her Captain Unitard outfit. Again, she looks no worse than she normally does. She runs around the house posing and attempting to be wacky, and I think we are supposed to be laughing at it, but I find her so repulsive at this point that I mostly wish that a hole would open up in the ground and one of those giant worm creatures with the sharp teeth from Beetlejuice would just jump out and swallow her whole..

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Captain Tard, indeed.

We get to Jordan’s nominations quickly, because all of the crazy in the house has eliminated the need for filler this week. Also, the need for me to sleep, apparently. Overnight recapping is much easier when sixty percent of the show is commercials and stuffed unicorn montages. So Jordan saves Jeff, Russell, Kevin and Michele, leaving Lydia and Natalie nominated.

Jesus Christ, that was an insane episode. I’m guessing Thursday will be a live veto and eviction ceremony instead of a double eviction now, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see, right? I’m actually hoping that Natalie wins the veto so that Lydia goes home.

Oh, and just for good measure: Fuck Brett Favre.

About

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television.  Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad.  Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006.  He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

44 Comments

  1. 1
    ReeseWitherspoon
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:21 am

    Jeff was so f-ing funny in this episode, I nearly laughed my p#ssy off. Not only was he funny, but he was fine as hell. Props to Michelle, Russell, and Jordan, too.

  2. 2
    pixielated
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:40 am

    Remember when somebody in the comments for Sunday’s show said that when you’re drunk your true nature comes out, and Jessie wasn’t a tool when he was drunk? All I have to say is “Lydia.” I rest my case.

    I was actually thinking Lydia was making sense when she talked Natalie off the ledge after Chima left. She was saying it was Chima’s decision and no one else’s fault and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, blah blah. Then she got drunk and brought the crazy.

    I’m afraid if I had been Michele, when Lydia said, “You wanna make me?” to her, I’d have said “Yeah!” Then Lydia would have jumped me and been kicked out of the house. She was so drunk she wouldn’t have done much damage.

    I’m guessing it was Kevin’s strategy to align himself with this group of losers, since he seems to be pretty smart, but man… he’s starting to seem codependent. He did seem to really care about Chima.

    That episode was fierce.

  3. 3
    brattygrl
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:52 am

    I just hope that Jeff, Jordan, Michele and Russell can keep their shit together to make it to the Final Four! I’d hate to see them get all paranoid about backstabbing each other, like they could really trust anyone from the idiot clique!

    Oh, and for BETTER measure…LOVIN Brett Favre right now!! GO VIKES!!!

  4. 4
    soapboxx
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 2:27 am

    Love it Schoonie! I was rolling all through your recap. Believe it or not all three witches N/L/C got favorable edits this episode. Chima had actually been destroying all Jeff’s clothes, Lydia put red M&Ms into Michelle’s food because she knew Michelle was highly allergic to red dye. The three were hogging the washer/dryer. The HGs normally line their clothes up for their turn at a wash and Jeff’s were next in line and all day long they kept cutting him and doing like 3 items for 1 1/2 hours (way to go with the green theme AG). That’s why she was sitting on the washer. But only after she refused to pay for the mike was she expelled. Jeff said production hated her. The part they left out of the HOH comp is after Jeff got in Lydia’s face for calling Jordan a fat ho, Lydia turned that whole table upside down. And lastly the reason Michelle said “Go put on the unitard you fucking cunt” Is because Lydia wouldn’t put it on and was really ragging on Michelle. The only reason Lydia finally put on the unitard is because she coerced production into giving her pink hair dye (yep, that’s not a wig). I’m glad to see that peeps who don’t watch the LF still get a portion of how hate filled these witches are. Lydia is so scared that Natalie will go to the jury house before her that she finally told Natalie about all the BJs and HJs she gave Jessie, including the one where Jessie insisted Lydia “dress in Natalie’s clothes” and Jessie jizzed on Natalie’s ASU hoodie. Lydia is supposed to really go psycho in the next day or two, she has Vicodin in there which makes for an interesting combo with the booze. She’s also trying to get to the jury house to be w/Jessie on a medical because recently she has been claiming she can’t stand up due to pain. I know this is LF stuff but it’s already past so I hope it doesn’t matter, I was just sorry they didn’t show the extent of the insanity. Your recap is so funny, I’m going to read it again!

  5. 5
    soapboxx
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 3:06 am

    oh yeah, Fuck Favre it’s over!

  6. 6
    mere2142
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 3:43 am

    As I was watching the episode last night I just kept thinking of how hysterical this recap would be. Thanks for not disappointing. I was loving Jeff’s comments towards Lydia last night during her drunken rant. The last two episodes have made up for a meh season!

  7. 7
    slutty_whore
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 3:54 am

    I know I’m going to be the lone dissenter, but let me say this: Jeff is being a hypocrite and I can’t fucking stand him. Where was his whole “it’s just a game” mantra when Ronnie nominated Laura, Braden, and Casey…. wasn’t he at the forefront of calling Ronnie a rat and taking those nominations personally? I’m not saying that Chima didn’t act badly (although it was kind of bad-ass, IMHO), but Jeff has gone off the rails also this season, even if he didn’t break the rules. He has been bitter himself and he has also held a grudge.

    It’s only a game for the people in power, but those that aren’t take the nominations personally. Therefore, Jeff should be MORE understanding of Chima’s feelings, rather than calling her a nuisance and a bitch.

    Jeff is a homophobic asshole… why the fuck is he so popular?

  8. 8
    behebojo
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 3:57 am

    On the cbs website before this season started I thought Lydia might be somewhat like Nakomis. I was obviously horribly wrong. My nickname for Lydia is NaHOmis

  9. 9
    bambinoitaliano
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 4:43 am

    I guess when you got a good bod and not bad face to look at you can get away with douchy behavior. Besides it’s a reality show most viewers have attention span of a gnat. As long as we get our itch scratched, who can remember what they did 5 minutes ago.

  10. 10
    oywhatnext
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 5:18 am

    Great recap! I was so glad to see She-muh rockin her weave wearing, Omarosa wannabe, toothpick leg havin ass outta there!!!

  11. 11
    here4beer
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 5:40 am

    Ding dong the witch is dead! Great recap, and GREAT episode. I like Kevin more and more, despite the fact that the only thing he ever really wins is money.

    @ slutty_whore: Just because Jeff used the word “fag” once doesn’t make him homophobic, it just makes him ignorant. I don’t think he’s a homophobe, since he obviously has no problem with Kevin. And even if he went to the DR and whined when his “friends” were voted out, he never threw a fit, refused to participate, or generally made life miserable for everyone else in the house like the crazies have done when they don’t get their way. It’s a big difference IMO.

  12. 12
    slutty_whore
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 5:53 am

    Here4beer… From week 2 to the time he was evicted, Jeff complained that Ronnie was a “rat” because Ronnie made plays as soon as he was HOH. He sulked with Jordan and only wasn’t nominated because of the clique situation. She wasn’t nominated because she was seen as too dumb to be a threat.

    You’re right; Jeff didn’t actively thwart the game, but his behavior was just as childish and petulant. He didn’t like it when his “friends” Braden, Laura, and Casey were nominated and he made that known and lauded the fact that Ronnie was taunted and barricaded in his HOH room.

    If it’s just a game when he uses the coup d’etat, why wasn’t it a game when Ronnie made his moves to put Jeff/Jordan/Casey at a disadvantage, but was being called a rat for it?

    All I’m saying is that now that he is in charge of the game, Jeff’s being an arrogant prick. I’m not excusing Chima, she obviously went too far and I guess even further on the live feeds, but the sentiment of feeling screwed within the context of the game is no different between the two of them.

  13. 13
    tyranahsaurus
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 6:17 am

    THANK YOU SLUTTY_WHORE!

    I’m not getting on the “pretty” wagon either.

  14. 14
    Pegster
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 6:52 am

    Schoonie,

    You had me at “Fuck Brett Favre”

  15. 15
    cattyfan
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 7:26 am

    The difference is Ronnie was playing both sides and making promises he didn’t keep. Jeff never did that.

    Chima being told not to bother sitting down after she FINALLY came to the DR certainly demonstrates she did NOT leave by choice, in spite of her protestations to the contrary.

    How many words have been made up this season…or misused? We should start a BB dictionary. “vindiction” – noun; something between vengeance and vindication

    As for Favre…I am a lifelong Packers fan. I loved Favre, and admired his gameplay. But he needs to accept reality. Additionally, intentionally going to one of the Packers biggest rivals is spitting on the fans who ferventy supported him, even in the most trying times. I packed all my Favre shirts away, and will be wearing generic Packerwear until he retires for good.

  16. 16
    cattyfan
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 7:42 am

    Sorry…a couple more things.

    “You’d think when you sit around all day and do nothing, you’d be able to think of some more creative ways to tell someone to go fuck themselves, you know? Like, through interpretive dance or something.”

    That will be the new offering from Mia on this season’s SYTYCD.

    “She tries to thank Russell through her blubbering, and Russell’s response is great: “I didn’t do it for you, I want my parents to go on the trip. KEEP CRYING.” Natalie, torn between crying for the camera and being indignant for the camera, decides to try for both. It does not end well”

    Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    This whole episode was just hysterical¦in every sense of the word. Loved it!

  17. 17
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 7:53 am

    I’ll say one thing for Jessie — he kept those three bitches in line.

    After Jordan’s letter from home I want Jordan to win (or Russell).

    You know I feel like I’m a Packer fan by association. My brother has been a Packer’s fan for the last 20 years and every time I talk with him he talks about the Packers (or the Cubs). And for the last four years I’ve had two college boys working for me that were Packers fans too so every time one of them was working I would get a Packers “update.” As a result, I wish Brett Farve the best — even with the Vikings.

  18. 18
    Slumrville slumrville
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 8:20 am

    I agree with Cattyfan re: Jeff. Ronnie was all about telling people whatever they wanted to hear and manipulating situations to remove blame or speculation from himself. It’s a perfectly acceptable and common enough strategy in the game, but when he got caught and called out on it, he refused to defend himself. His actions made enough enemies to make himself a target for eviction, and the house got rid of him the first chance they got.

    Jeff, on the other hand, has made his alliances and hasn’t done anything to sabotage them (yet). He’s been upfront about his intentions and who he wants out of the game. He might end up regretting it later on, but for now, he’s managed to pick off his competition effectively. Kudos to him! As a viewer, I respect his game play much more than anyone else, and so far, it’s hard to argue with how he’s going about it.

    It would serve him well to quickly settle on a final 2 ally (not Jordan), because once the idiots are gone, he’s going to become the main threat to everyone else.

  19. 19
    slutty_whore
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Slumrville… I agree Jeff needs to settle on taking someone to the end, preferably Russell, who is the only other person to make as many enemies within the house. Also, if he doesn’t take Jordan, we’ll have Season 5 Drew/Diane/Cowboy dynamic, with Lydia being right about Jordan being Jeff’s puppet.

  20. 20
    Dirty Sanchez
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Yeah, I can totally see how Ronnie, who lied to every single person in the house and then cried like a little bitch when he got called out on it, and Jeff are pretty similar.

    Maybe Jeff pissed and moaned (as does everyone in this game) when his people got sent home, but he didn’t rant around the house or act ignorant about it.

    Poor Chima and her feelings.. Really? She’s a despicable person. Evil Dick with a weave and a boob job.

  21. 21
    Dirty Sanchez
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 9:46 am

    I want Jordan to win, but I think everyone realizes that they can’t take her to the final 2 because she’ll win in a landslide. She’ll have to win HOH when it gets to the final 3 in order to have a shot.

  22. 22
    Yanksfan24
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 10:09 am

    cattyfan:
    “”You’d think when you sit around all day and do nothing, you’d be able to think of some more creative ways to tell someone to go fuck themselves, you know? Like, through interpretive dance or something.”

    That will be the new offering from Mia on this season’s SYTYCD. ”

    Totally word!!! LOLing at work right now and getting strange looks!!

  23. 23
    slutty_whore
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Dirty Sanchez, I wasn’t comparing Ronnie to Jeff… I was comparing Jeff’s treatment of Ronnie when his alliance members got sent home to Chima’s treatment of Jeff when her alliance members got sent home? The behaviors, AS SHOWN ON TV, were petulant and childish on both of their parts. Jeff whined over Braden, Laura and Casey, leading to the “Ronnie the Rat” scenario; Nat/Chima/Lyd cried over Jessie, leading to Chima’s expulsion from the house. To me, it’s the same type of behavior. Jeff is no better, except for not breaking a microphone. He’s in power now, so he can play the “it’s a game” card which Ronnie said to him when Ronnie tried to dismantle his alliance. That was my only point.

  24. 24
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 11:29 am

    When Ronnie won HOh after flipping sides and voting out Braden, Jeff went upstairs to his HOH room, looked at his photos, listened to his letter and congratulated him on his win.

    He went downstairs with the Loser 5 (that’s what Laura, Casey, Michelle, Jeff and Jordan jokingly called themselves) and they commiserated over losing – but Jeff said – MANY times “good for Ronnie, he outplayed us” he also commented that it was nice to see Ronnie’s family and that he believed outside the game Ronnie was probably a nice guy.

    Contrast that to Lydia refusing to go up to see Jordan’s HOH room. Plus the night Jesse was evicted Lydia was calling Jordan a whore and saying she needed kneepads to service Jeff. Lydia – the only one who was actually servicing someone in the house.

    Jeff may have been grumbling when he was on the losing side but I don’t think he was as hateful as Chima/Natalie and Lydia have been.

  25. 25
    crm1964
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 11:53 am

    I agree, while Jeff and the “loser 5) moaned over their friends leaving as anybody would, they didn’t act like a brat and throw temper tantrums, throw mics in hot tubs, get drunk and call others whores/bit*ches, flip over tables and refuse to participate in the game. I don’t have the live feeds, but I do have BBAD and I’ve NEVER seen Jeff or Jordan behave in a way that would be an embarassment to their families. I don’t think Chima, Lydia and Ronnie can say the same – nor can Russell.

  26. 26
    cattyfan
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Jeff might be like Survivor season 2 Colby and take Jordan (like Tina) to the end even knowing he will lose to her…because he made an alliance and is a (hot) man of his word.

  27. 27
    juddfan
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    Yay, glad it’s you doing this schoon! I have been reading most of these, but I seldom watch and haven’t commented much, but, nath, I had to tune in for this one . . .

    Your comparison of the mic breaking to the cig burning–Amen, child . . . it is interesting to see what they consider a violation . . . ahem.

    As to the feeds, okay, I’m so grossed out at Lydia and Jessie–ew! Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!

    Anyhoo, good epi. Michelle was impressive dealing with the confrontational drama. Hearing Clamidia’s on meds explains a lot, kahem, and Jordan has such a sweetness about her, it’s not quite like Janelle, but I keep liking her more and more.

    Great recap! Can’t wait to see who gets the boot, and I bet Kevin squeaks into the top 4 and someone goes out (probably one of the dudes . . . )

  28. 28
    shantigal
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Loved your “schoondication” of this episode.

    shanti

  29. 29
    cattyfan
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Hey! I thought destruction of someone else’s property was considered a rule violation. Doesn’t Lydia destroying Michele’s food and beer count?

  30. 30
    schoonie
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Ha ha ha, you’re trying to make sense of the Big Brother rules. That’s funny. Hey, we should go snipe hunting sometime!

  31. 31
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I was just aghast at Ratalie’s insistence that Chia’s tossing the mike into the hot tub was “accidental”. Talk about delusional! Loved the funny-ass recap Schoonie, you are super-talented!

    love, J-Mo :)

  32. 32
    soapboxx
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    slutty_whore:

    The origin of the “Ronnie the Rat” came from the first eviction. Everyone was going to vote 9-0 but when they thought about saving Braden they needed Ronnie’s vote to make it 5-4 for the save. They didn’t want to split the house but since they had Ronnie’s guarantee they went ahead and voted Braden to stay. The resulting 5-4 eviction of Braden split the house. Afterwards Ronnie denied voting to keep Chima and tried to lay the blame on Michelle. Laura figured out that Ronnie was the one lying and had actually voted to keep Chima and that’s where the nickname started, and it stuck. Ronnie is a vile human being in real life. If you don’t believe me just google him.

    cattyfan:
    They replaced all Michelle’s stuff. But $6 of beer and sushi doesn’t compare to a $4,000 mike.

    As much as I love this show I love the recaps even more!

    Mr Dangerous:
    I’ll say one thing for Jessie — he kept those three bitches in line.

    LOL Mr.D you always come through. Zing!

  33. 33
    pixielated
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I would think putting red M&Ms in Michele’s food, if she is indeed deathly allergic to them, would result in some sort of action by Big Brother. Did “he” warn Michele? I’m remembering the toothbrush episode from years ago.

    I’m not defending Lydia, but I think she was too drunk to go to Jordan’s HOH room. And I’m sure that Jordan preferred it that way.

    When she called sweet little Jordan a ho–well that was it for me. And Jordan saying in that hurt little voice, “but I’m not a ho.” Just too sad. Like hurting a bunny rabbit.

    Russell seems concerned that his alliance is doubting him and is going to great pains to distance himself from Natalie (I’m getting some of this from the LF). Unless he has a secret alliance with somebody, he could be vulnerable. (I’m thinking Michele for the secret alliance.)

    How could you not want Jordan to win after that letter? BTW I was wondering if her constant boob-adjusting and scratching might be because of the cord from the microphone, which seems to go between the boobs.

  34. 34
    pixielated
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    I used to love Brett Favre, but he just needs to go away. He’s wrecking his stats; the only ones he’s “improving” are incomplete passes and interceptions. His tenure with the Jets was divisive and did not help the team.

  35. 35
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Jordan had breast implants put in 2 weeks before going into the house. She was told by the doctor to massage the implants so they won’t harden. She was also told quite often by Laura (The queen of implants in the BB house)that “yes” it is very important to keep massaging them.

    It was funny in the early weeks she was talking to Casey while she was doing that and he stopped her to say “I can not hear a word you are saying while you do that”. lol

  36. 36
    pappy44
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    OMFG…the best episode ever deserves the best recap ever…

    best moment was when Ruscle told her to keep crying…omg, classic! I rewound that about 10 times…the look on her face of “did anyone hear that?” quickly went away when she realized no one cared that he said it! LOL

    Oh, yeah, and Frack Frett Barve

  37. 37
    suckitbitches
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Although it would have been fun to see Chima freak out more, I’m very glad they minimized it to only 10 minutes. She didn’t deserve any more air time.

    Poor Kevin, I really felt for him.

    Jeff was great in this episode. I liked him before, but when he threw the HOH competition for Jordan I fell in love!

  38. 38
    slutty_whore
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Soapboxx…. thanks for the reminder, it’s hard to keep all the house names and details of what happened when straight sometimes. LMAO…. I still hate Jeff, hoping for Kevin for the win ( I never thought I would say that!) Jordan is more likable now, but she has to do more than ride Jeff’s coattails to deserve $500k.

  39. 39
    Baffled
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    I’m old and forgetful. Plus, I just might not have seen it. Can someone please refresh my memory on the past “toothbrush” and “cigarette burning” incidents?

    Thanks!

  40. 40
    pixielated
    Posted August 19, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    I don’t remember any of the names or the season (it was the Dr. Will season, I know that much), but some girl got pissed at a guy and put his toothbrush in the toilet, then back in the holder. Big Brother warned him about it. Then there was the time that some guy held a knife to a girl’s throat “jokingly” (same year I think) and he was kicked out of the house for it.

    Why on earth would somebody get implants when they are sharing a bedroom with their mom? Jordan IS stupid. Who paid for the implants? Mom? Gramps? They are stupid, too! (Maybe they think it’s an “investment in her future” but there are already too many stupid blondes with big boobs in Hollywood.)

  41. 41
    soapboxx
    Posted August 20, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Baffled:
    Toothbrush was season 2? When Shannon took Hardy’s? toothbrush and cleaned the toilet with it and put it back in the holder. Hardy? was stopped by BB before he could use it.
    EvelDick blew cig smoke in Jen’s face, she swatted it away and hit the fire on his cig, he didn’t so much burn her as it was mutual conflict. He was standing over her though.

    pixielated:
    Justin in BB2 held a knife to drunk Krista’s throat and said ”Wait, hang on, I’m going to slash your throat. Would you get mad if I killed you now?” She replied, ”No. But I want some water.” He had a very New Jersey accent, when he was kicked off and interviewed he said “I put da knife to her throat, I took it down, I put it back to her throat, Where’s da threat?” They quit using knives after that incident. They only get small butter knives now.

    Jordan worked two jobs and paid for her own implants (it looks like she had a bad doc) and still owes 1K. She has a salon job in the daytime and cocktail/waitress? at night.

    I’ve watched all 11 seasons, if they told me I could go on the show and be guaranteed the 500K I still wouldn’t do it.

  42. 42
    hoxharding
    Posted August 20, 2009 at 5:06 am

    Justin(season 2) also
    had violent fantasies about the female HGS.
    If you want to know what they were-good him.
    I guess there was more back-story about Justin than they said on tv.
    I started out liking Lydia and now I just wish she would go away.

  43. 43
    bb11
    Posted August 20, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    What I’ve been wondering about since Chima was expelled, is: how are they going to resolve having only six jury members? Then it came to me today: make the tie-breaker America’s vote. If the producers do this, they should keep it from the jury, and only reveal America’s vote in case of a tie.

  44. 44
    bitchristine
    Posted August 21, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Yup bb11….good minds think alike. I was thinking about the very same thing the other day and came up with your exact same conclusion.

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