Big Brother: Nose Shout

Tonight on Big Brother, we can an extra big helping of Natalie. Mmmmmmmmm.

With special guest: the most desperate shlub in the world:

We open with a nose shout. Natalie is pleased as punch that Jeff is out, and tells us that she’s been waiting for the opportunity to get rid of him ever since he turned the tables on Jessie. She knows now that Jessie spooged all over her sweater after getting favors from Heather Mills’ nanny, and she’s still clinging on like the scrappy little idiot she is. I smell marriage! Nope. Just dried spooge. Do your laundry.

Jordon cries and says she wishes that she had gone home instead of Jeff cuz he would have done better than her and won this thing. Uh, he got kicked out so that means he lost, which technically means you are the better player, right? Right? I don’t get how people keep referring to the evictees as strong players. THEY’RE GONE!!

After Jeff leaves the house, the HGs stand around the picture wall and watch his commercial color headshot turn to the old musical theater black and white. So sad. Kevin says that if Jeff had approached him for a vote, he probably would have kept him. Jeff never approached him? WTF? If he was wise, he would have offered some glory hole action, or at the very least a lap dance. But he didn’t even ask. Who still thinks he’s a smart player?

Michelle knows she’s screwed, but she thinks it’s cuz she’s the strongest player in the game. I think it’s cuz everyone left is jealous of her hot husband. Blueback of Natalie winning HOH. This hurts more every time I see it. She jumps up and down and squeals about how not only did she win, she did it while being a good person!! Please excuse me while I use a cheese grater on my inner thigh. HATE. She says that it’s finally time to make a name for herself in the game. If she had internet access in the house, she would know by now that she’s already made plenty of names for herself: Ratalie, Bratalie, Gnatalie, and my personal favorite, Stupid Ho Face. Ok I added that one in there, but I scream it every time she comes on screen.

Speaking of screaming, why does she talk so goddamn loud? All she does is yell in that nasal voice with her choppy English and I wanna see her cry. As she celebrates and loops “I earned it!” over and over again, Kevin tells us what she’s also earned. A head roll, a finger snap, and a fug face montage. He says that she acts like she won an eight hour endurance challenge. I get why he’s over her stupid ass, but a win is a win. As the other HGs stare awkwardly at the grass and try not to cry, Natalie continues her jumping and nasal shouting and “I’m a good person” bs. She needs to put a sock in it. You can’t win BB if the other HGs kill you in your sleep. That would be the best. Twist. EVAH.

Natalie goes straight to the wall of pics to make her evil plans. Kevin isn’t acting like he’s very excited for her, but she doesn’t even notice. She promises that it’s them in the final two and Michelle needs to get out of the house next because there’s no way she wants to be stuck in the final three with someone who has an education, is physically strong, and who can speak entire sentences in proper English. Kevin’s like “ooooohkaaaaay.” Kevin’s moping. Having Natalie as your salvation isn’t as confidence inducing as it might seem from afar.

Jordan goes to lay down on a couch and cry. She doesn’t wanna scheme, she doesn’t wanna talk. She just wants to wipe boogars on herself. The music is sad and soft as she starts to make out with the bend in her arm. Meanwhile, Kevin and Natalie sit around and talk about how Jordan could have won that HOH competition. Then Natalie slips in “You have to go up.” Kevin looks like he’s about to have a gayxplosion.

Girl fierce oh no she didn’t disco pillow bite.

She says he has to go up to take away Jordan’s chance of winning the veto because “she CAN!” Grodner could come up with a Color In The Lines competition and Jordan wouldn’t win. Come on! He looks like he wants her dead as soon as possible, but she tells us that she is sincere about wanting to backdoor Michelle so that she can show the house that she isn’t aligned with Kevin. Hello. I think they are already aware that you’re aligned with Kevin. Whatever. This stupid plan gives her a chance to sit in the diary room and nasally shout at us. Yay. At one point, she gets so animated that her nostrils are flaring, her eyes are bugged, and her mouth is in o face. Five perfect circles. If ever there was a perfect opportunity for a game of ski ball, this is it.

Kevin is not happy about this turn of events, and says that in five minutes she’s turned into a power hungry monster, and he’ll “slap the biznetch.” Please. Please do. I need to be on someone’s side! Who wants to see Nat’s HOH room? No one? TOO BAD. First, we get a shot of her and her forty year old boyfriend.

No wonder she’s crawling up Jessie’s ass.

No one remarks on how creepy it is that she’s dating a guy who looks like he could be the retiring principal of her high school. And look! It’s a pic of kid Natalie! She looks exactly the same but in the pic she has glasses, and her mouth is shut.

I have to hand it to her, she really grew into that forehead.

Everyone kisses her butt a little and assures her that she doesn’t look like Ugly Betty in her school pic and then Jordan pipes up about her boyfriend looking so much older than her. LOL. Natalie ignores her and starts going on and on about the blanket she was given. It’s so special cuz it’s the first thing her boyfriend ever bought her! That is such an old man gift. It was probably between that and a Learn How to Use a Computer in Thirty Days DVD. It’s fitting that as Natalie takes control of the household, Los Angeles is burning like Hell.

The fires predicted this. We just didn’t listen.

The camera man is very sure to make sure that we know that Jordan’s getting plastered. I have my fingers crossed that this is foreshadowing for a drunken screech fest where she attempts to drown Natalie in the hot tub. It’s called positive visualization, k?

Natalie and Michelle join Jordan in the kitchen. Natalie tells them that she plans on putting Kevin up cuz he’s a strong player and she only had a deal with him to get to the final four. They fall for it and agree that he’s a strong player, and frankly the way Natalie’s talking I am buying it too. The only one dumber than her in the house is Jordan, so if either Michelle or Kevin goes, she’s golden. She says she knew the girls would fall for her “lie” cuz “they’re goalable.”

Time for the luxury competition, or as it’s also called, another excuse for Kevin to make like twenty fug faces in under five seconds.

Natalie, really cementing that “Kevin and I aren’t aligned” strategy, chooses Kevin to be her partner before anyone else has a chance to say anything. They all go out into the backyard and there’s a little clothing store set up. Luckily, they’re all around the same size and all wear women’s clothing, so the prep on this was easy. And just because I know you want to know, Kevin wears a stripper thong.

EW.

This game has something to do with communicating to your partner what you’re finding so you pick the same things and then keeping what you match. I can’t tell, cuz all I can concentrate on is Natalie’s first grade reading ability. Kevin is worried, because “Natalie knows two items of clothing: jogging shorts and sweaters.” HA.

Part of the challenge is both team members have to take pictures in the matching clothes, and Michelle says that she doesn’t know how to model. You don’t say.

Not like that.

Kevin and Natalie try to describe a camouflage shirt to each other. They find one, and Nat asks “is it black?” Kevin almost answers “Navy” and then smartly decides against it. Jordan finds a rainbow scarf and tells Michelle “it looks like something Kevin would wear!” And this is why Jordan has to stay. It’s like watching Born Yesterday on a loop. They get to keep the clothes they find, and every piece is ugly in it’s own special way. Kevin got a scarf, but he also got stuck with a Nat fedora and basketball shorts. Sad horns. Some luxury. You think it’s a coincidence that the Wal-Mart commercial keeps playing?

When they’re done, they go inside, where a store is set up in the living room. They have three minutes to put on as much as they can and they’ll get to keep what they’re wearing. Kevin decides he wants the mannequin’s clothes. A couple things: first off, they blurred out the mannequin’s ass, which is hilarious.

Porn! Porn I tell ya!

Second, why is he taking the time to undress wood instead of grabbing the easy stuff off the racks? Dumb. And third, why is there scary music playing as he dismembers the mannequin? I have a sick feeling that Grodner’s gonna accuse him of ruining production materials and then booting his ass. As the arms fly off, the intense music gets scarier and everything goes in slow motion. Maybe I’m being paranoid and Jaws music is only playing to heighten Kevin’s “gimme the scarf, bitch!” line, but when time is called, the happy music doesn’t start back up again. Uhoh. Oh wait, there it is. Just in time to see what Kevin got. I’m sure you’ll be shocked.

Later, Kevin and Michelle hang in the HOH and talk final two. Kevin wants to be final two with Michelle because he knows all Natalie’s friends in the jury house will vote for her. He says that he knows he’s betraying his “friend” but “I’ll knock a bitch out” for half a mil. I would say that this is a disrespectful way to talk about a woman, but we’re talking about Natalie, here. I’d knock the bitch out for free. Michelle is careful to stay quiet and not say anything. I used to think this was Michelle being stupid. I would scream “lie!” “cheat!” But hey, she’s in the final four so there you go. Right before commercials, we get a shot of Kevin’s smooth hairless legs.

Has any gay stereotype been left uncovered? K then moving on.

The next day at the pool, Natalie and Jordan have their final two talk. Natalie of course starts with “I’m not gonna lie” and then lies. If not to Jordan, then to Kevin. Everyone lies on Big Brother. You’re supposed to lie. But the fact that I’ve had to watch her scrappy ass jump up and down for two episodes now nose shouting about what a good person she is really makes me wish an ember would come flying over the fence and land on her face.

And now let’s listen in on Natalie as she sounds out the difficult one and two syllable words typed out on the Pandora’s Box card left for her in the HOH. If she opens the door, she’ll get to spend time with her boyfriend. He looks twenty years younger than he did in that picture. Time away from Natalie has done him good.

She says that she’ll do anything she has to do to see him. The catch is that if she opens the door, she won’t be able to play in the veto competition. She goes through it aloud. She’ll still be safe, but she won’t get to keep her promise to Kevin and play for him to stay in the house. To be selfish or not to be selfish? WTF do you think? She opens the door. SNAPPLE.

The best thing about that decision was that she said “I won’t get to play for Kevin’s safety.” HA. She’s not even considering the fact that she could NOT PUT HIM ON THE BLOCK IN THE FIRST PLACE. This girl? Is an asshole.

When she opens the door, boyfriend is there with a rose. Unfortunately, he doesn’t try to poke her eyes out with the stem. What’s the point of praying? Anyone? Anyway, they’re kinda curt and awkward with each other, and then he gets on his knee and opens a tiny box that explodes into her face and kills her on the spot. Damn. No, it’s just a ring. “The real one’s at home.” So basically you’re proposing with plastic. Natalie totally deserves you.

Nat warns him in that scrappy nagging voice that there’s no going back, but he doesn’t seem to hear her and stays on his knees. I can’t help but wonder when the last time was that she took a shower. She answers “hell yeah!” and they kiss stiffly. What, have they been dating two weeks? Nat is sure to tell him that she gave up a lot to open the door and see him. Yes, Agnes, you’re a real giver. We know.

The ring is made out of a twisty from a plastic bottle. LOL. Boyfriend’s dad proposed to his mom this way cuz he was too broke to buy a real ring at the time. Then his mom won Big Brother and brought home half a million dollars so the heifer could buy her own real diamond. Wait. I got the histories all mixed up there. Sorry. He hands her a BB card that says she can have fifteen minutes to eat sushi with her boyfriend if she pushes the button, but the other HGs won’t be happy. She says she don’t give a damn and presses the button. Natalie would literally fall off a cliff if you held a carrot far enough from the ledge.

The HGs lounge at the pool and a fat Mexican dude dressed like a baby comes out and starts pestering them like fat Mexican dudes dressed like babies do. That’s it? I thought they were gonna get to see Natalie eating sushi! Lame.

This can’t be the first time this has happened.

Up in the room, boyfriend is telling Natalie that he asked her father for her hand in marriage. The dad started crying and gave him a cow, two chickens and a Playstation. He made this chivalrous request on premier night. She’s like “really?”, as if surprised that he didn’t fall in love from watching her try to get into Jessie’s pants all summer.

So, you’ve missed a few episodes…?

Downstairs, a little midget comes out dressed like a skunk who follows the HGs around repeating what they say. You can say a lot about this show, but they take care of their obese Mexicans and their midgets. I picture this as a dinner party at Grodner’s house.

Jordan says the little guy is cute cuz he’s so little but he’s annoying the crap out of her. She’s ready to be a mother like right this second. Up in the HOH, Natalie tells boyfriend that she’s not gonna wear the ring in the house, and instead she’s gonna make up something bad that happened to her while she was away so people will want her to stay in the game. I’d say getting a twisty as an engagement ring is bad enough, but I’m not an eighteen year old poker champion.

Cut back to downstairs, where a person dressed as a roach is spraying everyone down with what Jordon calls “bug keeyil”. How awesome would that be if they were getting sprayed by actual roach spray right now?

I’m disappointed that after the fat guy and the midget there’s not a bearded lady or a guy with two heads coming out. You can’t just build and build and then end on an average intern in a cockroach suit.

OW IT BURNS!!

Time’s up. Boyfriend’s out (poor sap I’m prayin’ for ya) and the fat Mexican dude, the midget, and the average roach leave. The HGs immediately go up to HOH. Kevin sees the question marked door and squeals “Pandora’s Boooox!”, like getting restrained in a room while everyone else was outside collecting bags full of cash is the funnest memory he’s had in years. Natalie hasn’t been given time to come up with her brilliant poker player lie.

Pair of threes.

She starts babbling. She was totally screwed and won’t be able to play in the veto comp because she opened the box, but when she did she found out that there would be a final two reversal, which means if she was in the final two and won the vote, the votes would be reversed. That would be cold even for this show. Then she says that she was handcuffed, blindfolded and ear muffed. For no reason. She’s opening her eyes real wide and they’re darting from place to place as she says this. Her mouth is open as widely as possible. Natalie is a poker player, but does she, like, win? Or does she sit online in her pjs all day playing hold ‘em online with boyfriend’s credit card? Cuz she’s the worst liar I’ve ever seen.

Jack high.

Kevin knows she’s full of shit, and says “so basically, you can’t win Big Brother.” Goofy clown music plays as Natalie tries to come up with an answer. She says she can at least win fifty thousand. He presses her, and she insists that there must be something else to it and she didn’t even say that…say what? Who knows? She’s a blubbering idiot of a liar, and the only one fooled is the only one you’d think would be. Jordan. Kevin rolls his eyes and his head and snaps and makes fug faces in the diary room. He knows the “wench” got something good. She keeps her eyes wide and shifty, convincing no one.

It doesn’t take long for this bad lie to backfire. The three other HGs go outside and there’s a loud “ding!” when Jordan finally figures out that it’s a fib. If Jordan’s figured it out, game over. It gets ugly, because they can’t guess that she got to spend time with her boyfriend. They assume that the lie is that her final two reversal thing is the opposite of what she says it is and will hand her the win in the end. LOL. Natalie has dug herself waaaaay down that hole, and it’s gonna be fun to watch her try to claw her way out. She comes outside, as if on cue, and Kevin tells her to cut the shit and tell them the truth. Natalie doesn’t try to scratch upward, after all. Instead, she grabs the shovel and starts digging deeper. She says that she would appreciate it if no one asked her to tell them anything else about Pandora’s Box. Why? “It’s just a request I have.” Good one. You’ve confirmed that you’re full of crap. You are good at this! Kevin is so disgusted that he goes inside to spray air freshener liberally around the pantry.

It’s not the air. It’s the person. Just hold Natalie down and be done with it.

Kevin goes up to the HOH, unfortunately not with the can of flammable spray. She knows that she’s about to be confronted so she puts on her crown and robe. He guesses that she’s lying cuz if she really just lost five hundred grand she’d be breaking windows. LOL. She just stutters and makes nonsensical sentences out of randomly chosen words. Dunno I tell me I huh wha ruh faloowie.

I can’t give you any answers. I can, however, upsize your value meal for free.

When she was being confronted outside, she was holding a racket, and now she’s being confronted and she’s literally cloaked herself and is wielding a golf club. Maybe I’m just watching too much In Treatment, but her defensiveness is just so on the nose. Someone hug the girl for chrissakes. Flowers need water to bloom, people.

Kevin hounds her and won’t let her off the hook. He finally convinces her that it’s in her best interest to just tell the truth, but she insists on doing it in front of everyone. Then he looks at her like we’re all looking at our TVs.

She goes downstairs and tells everyone the truth and says “GOTCHA! You fell for it right?” and everyone’s like uh no. No one believes the real story either, and the fact that her evidence of her engagement is a twisty tie doesn’t help her case. I’m loving this. Kevin tells us that if she would lie about good news then she’s been lying the whole time and her name probably isn’t even Natalie. HAHAHAHAH.

The midget.

Fuckin’ quitter.

Nomination time. Michelle knows she’s going up. Jordan was told that she’s safe but Jeff said not to listen to anything Kevin or Natalie said and she’s just a giiiiirl!

Kevin knows that he’s on the block, but he doesn’t trust that Natalie is going to save him in the end. Duh. Natalie comes in in her burger douche outfit. I would add a pic but frankly I can’t look at her anymore. Jordan’s safe! Shocker. Natalie can’t just offend as few people as possible, though, cuz she’s Natalie and she’s got a giant ego and a mouth that could fit a melon. She lectures Kevin about BB being like chess and she jumped him by three moves and duped him. Michelle is a lying snake and making a deal with her would be like making a deal with the devil. So, Kevin hates you, Michelle hates you, and Jordon hates you cuz Jeff told her to. All in all, I think it’s safe to say GOOD GAME!