Tonight is the night! WHO WILL WIN?? The twit, the flit, or the shit? Find out, on this special two hour tag team recap of Big Brother 11!
Give you a hint. This guy? Loses.
This has been the most fun we’ve had on Big Brother yet, and we couldn’t agree on who would get to recap the finale. So, to compromise, we are all doing it together! Let’s start off with…
Julie Chen is wearing…I don’t even know how to describe it. It is an Haute Couture Snuggie, possibly. It is the graduation robe for your small town’s alternative learning facility, the one where the pregnant girls go, where they can earn their GED without dealing with the judgmental eyes of their classmates.
The audience has (been provided) signs that cheer on people such as Russell. I mean, come on, we are supposed to believe that an audience member liked Russell so much that he or she took the time to decorate and prepare a sign in advance of tonight’s festivities? Yeah, go Russell, cast that vote!
Julie tells us that seventy-three days ago, the Big Brother houseguests entered the house. You guys, we have been watching this show for seventy-three days. Noting all the ways in which that is depressing would take almost as long as the previouslies segment.
We’re going to find out who wins later, BUT FIRST (sniff?) the houseguests are all lobbying to secure a spot in the final two. We flashback to Natalie’s bitchface from when she lost part two of the final HOH competition, which I could watch over and over and never tire of. To those of you that mentioned that Natalie was somehow trying to be terrible at all the competitions this season and that this constituted some sort of strategy, I submit to you this moment. Jordan tells us that she didn’t want to rub it in Natalie’s face, which is nice because Natalie hasn’t exactly been gracious in victory.
Kevin says that this situation is perfect for him, because it gives him a much better opportunity to get rid of Natalie. Natalie tells us that her only focus at this point is to work both of the other houseguests and get them to take her to the end. After the last live show, Natalie mopes in that stupid bed she’s been lying around in all season, which should be lit on fire immediately at the conclusion of this hour.
She whines that she thinks Kevin isn’t going to keep the deal. Here’s the exchange, roughly: Natalie: “I really hope that you’ve been loyal and faithful to me, Kevin, and will take me to the Final Two.” Kevin: (blank stare of utter disdain)
I think that about covers it.
Natalie gets called to diary room, and Kevin takes the opportunity to try and close the deal. Jordan tells him that it’s a bit scary, because she doesn’t think that Kevin will take her at all. He tells her that he’s “one thousand percent” sure that he’s going to take her to the end. Oh, Kevin, that will only confuse Jordan, bringing percentages into the deal. That’s like trying to teach your dog to read. Jordan tells us that she’s lying to Kevin, and she’s actually planning on taking Natalie to the end because Kevin’s won so many more competitions than her, and thus will look more favorable to the jury. Good for Jordan, even though her logic is a bit off. She’s unwittingly benefiting from the jury’s increasing hatred for Natalie.
Later, Kevin goes to take a nap in the backyard and Natalie tries to bond with Jordan. “I hope we stay friends after this, because you’re just like my girlfriends back at home,” Natalie says. That is bullshit for two reasons: 1)if that were true, you would have been hanging out with her the whole time, and 2)I’d like to meet these “girlfriends” of which you speak, because I bet they’re actually DUDES.
“You remind me of my girlfriends back home! Wait, where’s your Adam’s Apple?”
Apparently, Jordan really is planning on taking Natalie, because she spills everything Kevin has said right to her. She says her deal with Nat is genuine because it gives her a better opportunity than taking Kevin would. They also say that they’ll give their vote to the other person if they end up evicted. Yeah, can’t you see Natalie voting for Jordan over Kevin? I totally can. I bet she puts the key into the box with her nostrils.
In the backyard, Kevin and Natalie talk, and Kevin tells Natalie that he’s pretty sure he’d lose to either of them, which he doesn’t know is the exact opposite of the truth. Natalie tells Kevin that some people vote strategically and some vote personally, so it’s difficult to tell, and if he kicks her out she’s definitely gonna vote personally. As we all know, she totally would have voted strategically otherwise. Kevin tells her that he thinks he played better than anyone, which is true, and in response, Natalie does what Natalie does: “acting” like an immature teenager (in order to “fool” other people into thinking that she’s naÃ¯ve) and telling Kevin that he’s full of shit. He’s obviously pretty convinced that he’s screwed, but she seems to think that it’s some sort of plea for attention or something, I don’t know. I’m just so tired of Natalie, you guys. After tonight, I can forget her forever! I’m going to Eternal Sunshine her right the fuck out of my brain, not even kidding.
Burn that one too.
First off, thanks to Flipit and Schoonie for the opportunity to recap Big Brother with them this season. I may never get back the hours of lost sleep, but I had much fun doing it. Before Kanye grabs my keyboard to talk about how much better some other show is, on to the action. We’re back live with Summa Cum Chenbot and the first living-room Chenterview. There are extra bleachers to hold all the BB alums that showed up tonight. I’ve lost track of them all. Anyway, first question goes to Kevin.
Or Urkev, as he shall be known in my segments tonight.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster this summer, and your wardrobe shows it. What has Big Brother taught you about yourself? Urkev says he’s become more confident in his gameplay. Covering for Ratalie for 2 weeks will do that to you.
And what will Ratalie miss the most? Ratalie talks about ups and downs and living with 12 people, and she’ll miss them all. “All 12?” says Chenbot. Yep, all 12, especially those 6 wonderful people on the jury. Even Michele the devil. She meant devil in the nicest possible sense.
Jordan, this is the longest you’ve been away from home. How’s it changed you? Jordan didn’t think she’d last this long, and has learned patience. Also she’s grown. “I feel like a grown girl, kinda like an adult now.” Well, she’s half right, anyway. She’s definitely grown while in the house.
On to the jury house! McSteamy Sax Muzak plays as we see Jeff lying by the pool all lubed up. Water drops courtesy of some poor (or lucky, I guess) costume intern.
Flipit, don’t say I never gave you anything.
(BTW, I swear the jury house was also the house they used in Joe Schmo. Remember that one? Best reality show, EVAR. I dare you to prove me wrong.)
Anyway, in the Jury Schmo house, the exiles are STILL PLAYING POOL. Did they not play enough pool in the BB house to last the rest of their lives? So, asks Lydiot in the most awkwardly-prompted way possible, who do you guys think will be joining us next? Jeff wants anybody but Jordan, obvs. Russell wants Michele to win it all, but he’s about to be disappointed, because here she comes! Jessie bounces off the walls with glee as a disappointed Russell pounds his cue stick on the floor.
Michele tells them all how Ratalie opened Pandora’s box, and got “engaged”, and all the kooky stories she made up afterwards. Jeff, not realizing no one else saw the “boyfriend”, asks if he was a tool. Lydiot tries to high-five him, but he leaves her hanging because 1) he “doesn’t need a high five for bashing somebody” and 2) he can’t reach her hand from his high horse anyway. He says maybe Rat is lying about the engagement since she’s lied about everything else. Michele calls her a “dirty little trickster” and says “her reputation has gone sour in the jury house. That’s not what I expected at all.”
And wait till they see that DVD you’re holding in your newly-hot little hands! Lydiot barfs at all Ratalie’s talk about keeping her word. They have a good laugh at the “wannabe Flavor Flav” costume she wore at the last nomination ceremony. And Lydiot would know about Flav. Wonder how many times she tried out for Flavor of Love before settling for Big Brother. Jeff wonders if Ratalie and Kevin were really fighting. Ha, they have the ability to confuse him even when he’s out of the house. “They were so play fighting,” says Lydia.
And she would know.
Cue the first choppily-edited debate over who deserves to win. Jeff says he’ll vote against Ratalie just for the Flav costume. Everyone tells Michele they would vote for her over Rat. And we’re back to the bot and then a break.
We open the next segment with a shot of Natalie’s sad faced sucker of a fiance.
If you’ve watched every episode and still showed up with that puppy dog look in your slightly crossed eyes, I have no pity for you SUCKA!
Now it’s time for the jury debate!! I wish it was like high school debate where you brought rolling suitcases full of evidence, if only for the chance to watch everyone try to read on camera. Jessie opens the discussion. Unfortunately, it’s not about why he’s got hair glued to his face.
Almost a mayaaan!
Russell says that no one left in the house won any competitions so it should come down to who played people the best. Kevin did win competitions, but no one brings that up. Jessie immediately writes off Jordan cuz he never talked to her. Like it was her fault that he stayed in bed with his dirty skanks all day talking about himself and sleeping instead of finding out what was going on in the rest of the house. If a tree falls in the woods but Jessie wasn’t there to hear it, was it really a tree in the first place? Let’s take a moment to think on that.
Jeff counters that he never talked to Kevin. Then Lydia gives him a dirty look. You have to hand it to Lydia. She wakes up every morning trying to come up with a way to look skankier and slimier than the day before and she succeeds every single time.
Your head is hatching, bird brain.
Lydia, bitchily, says that she has respect for the people who won competitions. Like the people in the jury house. LOL that did a lot of good. How many competitions did Lydia win? Besides trophies for Creepiest, Sluttiest, and Spoogiest? Anyone? Jeff says none of the remaining players won dick so they should use other methods of deciding the winner. Lydia keeps sticking up for Kevin, saying that he strategized the whole time about how to keep people in the jury house on his side. Jeff says “your sweet little Kevin wasn’t so nice to me on my way out.” Lydia’s “debate” skills end at “you are”, so it’s no surprise that her answer is that his sweet little bimbo wasn’t nice all the time.
Jeff gets impatient and tells her to focus on reality just for one segment. LOL. Someone get Lydia a drink so she has an excuse to make no sense. She gets defensive, but Jeff gets more defensive and tells her he can’t take it and talking to her is like talking to a “road cone” and she needs to get in her spaceship and leave already. Man I love him. The abs help, I won’t lie. Jessie takes a second to see if Lydia’s gonna throw a chair, but she doesn’t, so he calmly says that Jordan didn’t play as well as the two people left.
Jeff half shouts that Jordan was on the block and just her still being in the game is proof of decent game play. His defensiveness isn’t doing her any favors right now, but he shuts the rest of them up for the time being so well done. Lydia admits Jordan got her out and tries to burn Jeff by reminding him that she beat him too, but he just smiles in that “but I’m gonna bang her so hard she’ll be handing me half her win so suck it bitch.”
What else could this face be saying?
Russell thinks that Jordan is sweet but her biggest move was giving Jeff boners every day. Jeff tries to argue that Kevin never won competitions, but that’s obviously bs. Lydia snaps that Jordan’s first win was handed to her, her second veto was unnecessary, and she’s just Jeff’s meat puppet. He snaps back that Jessie practically has his hand up her sperm receptacle right this second making her mouth move. Jessie gets red faced and weakly argues that she has her own brain, however tiny and non functioning.
Russell thinks that Natalie fell into her stupid strategy but it was a good one. He also thinks that her constant losing was part of her game. OK no, sorry. That twerp is just a loser, period, and it’s annoying that she’s not called out on it here. Michelle gives her credit for attaching herself to a strong player, but Jessie says that all of his moves were his and Nat had nothing to do with them. Lies! Jeff keeps on arguing strongly that Jessie was the strongest player but…I’m sorry he can’t continue cuz Jessie has to take a couple minutes to flex and do his Egyptian dance. Poor guy is so not being asked to the WWF and yet he still auditions every time a camera hits him. Even the WWF has more taste than to hire Jessie, and that? That’s sad. But also wonderful. Jeff says Jessie’s head doesn’t fit in this room even though they’re outside. HA. He adds that Nat could be any age, but she acted like she was twelve. No one argues or brings up her giant nostrils or general smelliness.
Lydia comes back in with her Kevin love, and I think she has a point. Kevin has played a good game and Jeff admits that he made a good move in getting Jeff out. Jessie snarks that Jeff’s face when he got the boot was the best thing he’s seen all season, and Jeff says he should have seen his own face when he got the coup de tatas used on his ass. Jessie? Just stop talking. He doesn’t. He adds that seeing Michelle’s face was the second best moment. You gotta love his talking big when he was the first out out of all of them.
Lydia warns that the final two will try to flatter them all, and that will be interesting. To see if anyone can come up with something nice to say about Lydia. Besides “you never hogged the shower” or “you ruined Nat’s sweatshirt with Jessie spooge so thanks.” Up next, the HOH comp, and later, Cheniqua will jump off the top of CBS and parachute to the ground. In her dress.
If she had the Marylin Monroe fan under her right now, she’d break her head on the ceiling.
The final competition is the same thing it is every year: the people competing have to complete inane statements made by the jury members, and it is almost entirely a crapshoot. First up, Jessie: Did he say the best thing about being in the house was A) the ladies, OH YEAH (Julie’s line reading must be heard to be believed) or B) getting the time to work on his amazing calves? The answer is apparently A, even though it could have been either. You could literally flip a coin, and it would work the same way as this competition. Think about that.
A scene from the Lanesburg Alternative High School production of Harry Potter
And now, Lydia. Did she say that the moment in the house that irritated her the most was A) every time Michele opened her mouth, or B) when Jeff got the Coup D’Ã©tat? The answer is B, and Jordan ties it up, much to the audience’s delight. If Russell could go back in time, he would change A) how much he told Michele, or B) some of the things he said to Chima? The answer is A (because no one cares about Chima, ever), and Jordan takes the lead by one point.
Did Jeff say that the fatal error he made was A) not winning the last POV, or B) getting rid of Russell a week too soon? The real answer is B, of course, but the question is what Jeff thinks, not what’s actually true, and he picks A. Kevin gets it right and ties it up. They both get the question about Michele right (she thinks Jessie needs a reality check, apparently), so it’s time for a tiebreaker! OMG, what will happen? The tiebreaker question is actually quantifiable instead of a shot in the dark: how many total votes to evict have been cast on the show this season? This question can be solved with math, which made me fear for Jordan immediately, I’m not going to lie.
Jordan guesses 50, and Kevin guesses 80. The real answer is 51 (!) which means Jordan is the final Head of Household! Wow, that is unbelievable, frankly. When I saw their responses, I personally thought the answer would be much closer to 80, so kudos to Jordan. Jordan starts crying, and the audience completely loses their shit because this means Natalie probably isn’t going to win, which is all anyone wants at this point. Well, that and the crucifixion of Kanye West, apparently.
I’ll always remember this moment in time. Wait, what time is it?
RIP, Patrick Swayze’s hair. Too soon?
I just noticed Ratalie is dressed a lot like Chenbot in a shapeless blue dress, as if flattering the bot will win her any jury votes. She and Urkev are sitting in the nominee chairs about to give their speeches. Ratalie appeals to Jordan’s friendship. Please don’t use the word Friendship on this show ever again. She rambles for a couple of minutes before getting to the point: “As a friend, please keep me in this game… I’d be greatly appreciative and I’d be very indebted to you.” (Translation: if I win I’ll throw you a few bones.) Urkev says his speech will be short but it ends up just as long. Please keep me in the house because we’ve never come after each other, is basically his argument. “You’re gucci. As Lydia would say, Oh Em Gee, vote for me.” I have no idea what that means, but I barf in its general direction anyway.
Eviction time! Jordan says she hates this and so on and so forth. “I would always come in second place between both of you,” she says, and I guess she means “either of you”. She chooses to evict Urkev, saying he already won $10,000. Then she Just. Keeps. Talking. Chenbot finally interrupts her to tell Kevin he’s evicted and BTW, BeyoncÃ© has the best video ever. Kevin insists that he doesn’t take it personally, but you can tell he just wants her to shut up already. Kevin doesn’t know what to do. “Do I leave now?” Sad horns. I was sort of rooting for Ducky at the end there.
Last fug face of the season?
Big cheers for Kevin as he takes the walk of shame and gives everyone high fives. Back in the house, Ratalie does her victory celebration thing again, for like the 49th and hopefully last time. They talk about who has whose vote in the jury. “I’m engaged, I don’t care if I win.” Sure you are and sure you don’t. Jordan keeps trying to rationalize her decision to herself. Finally Kevin is minced up and we can get on with our lives.
The bot says Jordan told Kevin they had a deal, so what happened? Kevin says she made a smart move, and then pauses briefly to spaz out. “WHY JORDAN???” Julie wants to know why he voted out Michele over Jordan? Did that cost him a half mil? Another spaz break. “JULIE, WHY DO YOU ASK ME THAT?!!? I DON’T KNOW!!!?” Kevin has no regrets, though, because he’s been applying for BB since Season 1! I’ll pause while you ponder the implications of Kevin and Chicken George in the same house, or Kevin and Bunky–but I guess there’s a strict one-gay-person-at-a-time quota. America takes its stereotypes in small doses, by George! How will Kevin choose who he votes for? “The strongest strategic player,” he says.
So here are the goodbye messages. Jordan says for the 144th time that it wasn’t personal, it was the best move she could make, because Kevin is a better player. Ratalie says she doesn’t know what went wrong, because they “had it in the bag”.
I have some theories.
Up next: Urkev joins the jury!
Better get him a Pepto first.
Ok so obvs I hate Natalie’s guts and I want Jordan to win. But I get a sick feeling in my stomach that that’s not gonna happen because I believe in signs, and Jenna Elfman’s hack ass popping up on my screen can’t be a good one.
Let’s welcome the Jury House! Lydia comes out dressed as five different infections.
Russell, who tried to convince us that his douche act was just a ruse to intimidate the other players, comes out with his shirt unbuttoned to his belly. Not that I’m complaining. The audience wets themselves when Russell comes out and then they immediately quiet down when Michelle appears. Rude!
Chenturion asks Jeff who he thinks will fill the empty jury seat and he has to repeat his name to make sure he’s being addressed. Big lug! Take something off. He thinks Kevin will be evicted. Chenlia changes the question a bit for chLamYdia, asking who she wants to see in the final chair. Natalie, of course, because Lydia can’t think beyond her hawk. Let’s welcome Kevin! Chental asks why Lydia looks so surprised and Lydia says it’s because two witches are left in the house. The audience half boos her and she looks surprised that she’s anything but loved. Keep talking, ho. These people are in love with Jordan and I would love to see them rise up and rip you limb from limb. Chensai is like ooh burn and then announces that Jordan won the final HOH. The audience screams for her. Then Hydia makes a barf face. Or a caught Jessie alone face. Whatevs.
STFU, Deep Throat.
Chenya gives the jury a chance to ask their questions. Russell asks Jordan what her strategy was at first and how did it change. She answers that she wasn’t gonna trust anyone but then liked everyone and then was like omg no I don’t trust them but I like them but I don’t but lol I dooooo yay ponies! She wanted to just be herself, as clueless as that person is, and she…she’s cut off. Lydia asks Nat who her biggest threat was in the house and how she got them out. Nat says Lydia was her biggest threat because she tried to come (no pun) in between her and Jessie and she campaigned to get her out. chLamYdia’s face is priceless.
OMG no one likes me. But…I’m ooorigionaaaaal. I have tattoos! And dyed hair! I’m spunky! Literally full of spunk! WAH!
Jeff, saying that the house wrote the question not him, asks Jordan what her best move was other than aligning with him. She thinks hard on it and says that her best move was getting rid of Kevin cuz he would have beat her for sure. Michelle asks the 18 year old Michelle about her supposed engagement and why she was supposed to tell the jury house about it. For votes? Nat lets her adorable personality shine through, and snaps that supposedly nothin’, she found a half cross eyed man desperate enough to twist a garbage tie for her wedding finger so suck it. She wanted Michelle to tell the jury because she is friends with the jury and wanted to share. Riiiight. So then why are your nostrils bowling ball finger hole sized right now? You’re either lying or you have huge nostrils. Or both.
Jessie asks Jordan why she deserves to win. Jordan says she deserves it cuz everyone underestimated her and she won in the end by herself without help and beat Nat and Kevin fair and square. Go, sister. The audience cheers. LOL I love it. Russell asks Nat why she deserves to win. Nat says her strategy was to align with strong players and she did. HAHAH so she admits up front not only that her plan was to ride coattails, but they should vote for her because of that. She’s got huevos, that one. When she ends by saying that she never backstabbed anyone and stayed true, the audience cracks up loudly. HAHAHAH.
Kevin asks Jordan what she did better in the game than Natalie. She says she laid low, but so did Nat and they both were true to their alliances and at the end of the day she won competitions and influenced her alliance to get rid of her enemies. So my question before we go to break is, the jury said during their “debate” that they should choose on comp wins but couldn’t. They can! Jordan won more than Natalie. So will they give it to her? Time will tell. Second question, how come no one called Nat on her lying about her age? HULLEOW it’s called closure, people. And third, has any movie Jennifer Garner made in the last five years made money? No? THEN WHY is she still in them?
She’s no Jenna Elfman, but still.
Time for final statements. Jordan says that she wanted to stay true to her alliances and says that people thought of her as the harmless person and that she wanted to make people ignore her and that she was scared and that she is proud of herself and there are some other things and it is one big long run-on sentence, but she answered the jury questions really well so that’s okay, she gets a freebee. She also makes one really good point, which is that she didn’t need anyone else to help over the past two weeks when she’s won many competitions, and that it showed she’s a much was a better competitor than everyone thought. In short, she actually accomplished exactly what Natalie has been pretending to do, which is “lose” early competitions and win later ones. Ironic, no?
One last nostril shot for the road. Natalie says that she didn’t win the most competitions in the game, but that she felt that she had to win the most in order to get to the end. Wait, what? She yammers on forever about how Jeff put her up with Jessie because he was a power player, which somehow proves that she was playing the game hard too, as if the decision to put up Natalie had to do with anything other than a desire to cripple Jessie somehow. In a worst-case scenario that week, Natalie would have gone home and Jessie would have been weakened at least a bit as a result. It wasn’t about being threatened by Natalie whatsoever, duh.
Natalie continues, saying that she was aligned with Jessie, Chima, Ronnie and Kevin and has never lied to any of them. Well, except for that whole lie about being eighteen. Oh, and then that other lie about Pandora’s Box. And with that, it’s time to vote already. Well, that was quick. So Jessie is up first, he says “Hakuna Matata” to Jordan, which I’m guessing is some sort of inside joke about the Coup D’Ã©tat. Lydia goes next, and she says “Jordan, I love a good blonde,” and then everyone laughs, because there’s apparently a joke in there somewhere.
Natalie watches as her friends continue to make it apparent that they’ll be voting for Jordan. I’m sure she thought the bitterness and pettiness and faux-morality she rallied under with these people was valid when it was directed with little reason at others like Casey, or Jeff, or most of all, Michele. But what happens when those same people decide you’re the one who’s been hurting them all along? How’s it feel, Natalie, to have that same dishonor and morality bullshit you’ve been feeding the other houseguests for months get thrown right back at you? The moral of the story this season is that when you’re an ass and you hang out with a bunch of other asses, you’re eventually all going to shit on each other. Reap that shit, yo.
Anyway, voting continues. Russell says he voted for the person who played the best game. Jeff tells Jordan he’s very proud of her, which causes the audience to swoon, and he’s like “I know, I know.” Michele says she’s voting for the strongest female in the game. Wait, you can still vote for Laura? Finally, Kevin says he was going to vote for who is cuter, but he can’t, so he’s voting strategically. Kevin has gotten much more endearing these past few weeks, I must say. I would not have minded a Kevin win in the least. After Julie explains that America cast the seventh vote, she locks it in herself. She has some trouble with the key, because those Snuggie arms do not allow for as much flexibility as the commercials would have you believe. Ooh, I wonder if that dress came with a Magic Booklight?
Or initiation into some sort of robo-cult.
Now it’s time for a segment I love: Voting’s Over, Let’s Expose the Lies. The jury doesn’t get to see Diary Room or private conversations, thanks to the Danielle Rule, which I am still bitter about 8 seasons after the fact. So now that the outcome of the game has been decided, the evictees who didn’t make it to the jury show up to dish on all the juicy stuff. Out come Braden, Laura, Ronnie and Casey. There are a few obvious intro clips for each one: Kiss My Latin Ass, Laura popping out of a bikini, Casey in the banana suit, and Ronnie popping out of a bikini.
Chenbot asks Ronnie what the biggest surprise of the season has been for him. Ronnie has chosen a very classy “Square Root of All Evil” t-shirt for the evening.
The nickname was dumb, the shirt even more so.
Ronnie gives Ratalie props for out-lying him. He tells Jordan Rat has been lying to her all along, and there is much audience applause, and it is awesome. He lets the Rat’s age out of the bag, and Jordan is predictably stunned. “I just graduated from ASU, not high school” Ratalie admits. Hey, why didn’t anyone ever wonder why she was always wearing Arizona State merch? Probably because I didn’t either. Moving on.
Casey’s question: what was the biggest mistake of the season? Casey says that (besides the banana suit) Jeff believing the lie Ratakev told him was the worst. Chenbot plays all the clips of Jeff getting played, which is awesome because Ratalie is literally pulling her hair out and Kevin is sitting right next to Jeff. Jeff is a good sport though. He doesn’t give a flying crap about Natalie’s age either. “Good for you.” HAHAHA. Don’t give her the satisfaction. I love it.
Next, the bot wants to know what surprised Braden the most. Braden is looking especially douchey under a big wad of pineapple hair and wearing the leather jacket.
I can smell the Drakkar from here.
“Jessie is a big pimp.. I’m taking notes all day long.” And that bang you just heard was Jessie’s head exploding. It finally swelled up too much. Wanna know how I know? Jessie does something he’s never ever done before, which is pass the props on to someone else. “I was just trying to play the game like Kevin, but Kevin can pull it off and I can’t. He can get in good with all the girls.” Anyway, it’s time for another break already, which means Flipit gets to cover the rest of the loser interviews. Have fun with that!
Yay thanks! Let’s talk about the dumbshit who gave it all up in a diva fit! Chenberly asks Jugs what she thought of Chia, and Jugs first cheers for Jordan while classy Natalie makes a gagging gesture. Jugs says that she’s a big fan of the show and there were thousands of people who wanted to be there and Chia wasted her chance while screwing her team over. Jugs was so offended that she shaved off her mustache in protest. Kevin agrees and says that he told Chia that she would be screwing her team and she did it anyway. I was hoping they would bring Chia out to get booed and stuff, but no. BOOOOOOOO! There. I’m better.
Chencha shows a clip of Ronnie acting like a jackass and telling off Michelle. What is her reaction? She says he’s just melodramatic and she’s open to therapy. LOL. Ronnie says that he was mad after a fight they had that morning and he felt like he doesn’t think she’s the worst person ever and it was all strategy. Whatever why did they even let this idiot back in the building? And why does Braden look like he’s aged forty years?
His face will be on salad dressing labels in no time. GET OFF MY LAAAWN!
Chendall asks Jessie why he lied about having a platonic relationship with Lydia. Then she shows them doing it under blankets. Unfortunately, the spooged on sweatshirt is left out of it. Chenricka stumbles while trying to say “Webster’s Dictionary”, which is priceless, then reads the definition of platonic, which isn’t “get blown by an open wound stalker.” Jessie, uncomfortable, says that it was more romantic than he admitted. Chenriquo asks if they were still boning in the jury house and Russell nods his head while Hydia stays quiet. EWWWW!!
Chenitalia asks Jeff where his and Jordan’s relationship is going, and he says “we’ll see if she wins or not.” BWAHAHAH. He says that they have to talk outside of the house, and Jordan agrees. Chenrey asks the audience if they want them to go to Hawaii together and of course the audience goes nuts. Jeff says Jordan’s on the short list. OK I’m getting grossed out now stop. I’m glad you guys are happy, just be happy somewhere else. Chenrickson tells us about all the segments coming up and Jordan pulls her short shorts out of her camel toe while she thinks no one’s looking.
Time to find out who wins! America’s Vote goes to Jordan, obviously. Jessie also voted for Jordan, because: petty and bitter and hypocritical. We’ve covered this. Lydia: ditto, because: ditto. Russell voted for Natalie, and then Jeff’s vote is for Jordan, and it takes Julie a second to realize that Jeff’s vote is the winner for Jordan. But: Jordan wins! Wow. That, I did not expect.
Wait, two likable winners in a row? Grodner is gonna come at us HARD next season. The twist is going to be, like, that everyone in the house is a murderer. Jordan comes tearing out of the house, hugging her mom and what I am assuming is her brother, because they could be fraternal twins, no joke. Anyway, as we head to commercial we see that Ronnie is somehow the first in like to hug her, which is gross in about nine different ways. There are not enough showers in the world.
And now, on to the last segment of the season. We’ve already crowned a winner, what else is there to do? Oh yeah, reveal the last two votes. Michele voted for Jordan and Kevin, natch, voted for Ratalie. Which means… Chenbot? “Jordan, you won by a vote of 5 to doo.”
Doo? Is that a Natalie reference? Or did she say Deux? Did Chenbot get a French language package installed? Anyway, what’s Jordan going to do with the money? A house for her mom and brother and her (one house? or three? I know it’s a down real estate market and all, but jeez), money for her niece and nephew to go to college, maybe a car.
And an implant upgrade, so she can stop doing this.
Now it’s time for America’s Favorite Player! What happened to the Best Juror award that they did last year? Anyway, I think we all know who this $25,000 is going to, and indeed, the bot says it wasn’t even close. Jeff wins. Surprise!
Everyone stands around. Ratalie’s “father” and “fiance” are talking to her stiffly.
I want my twistie back.
The bot signs off for the season as the audience chants Jordan’s name. This makes me happy for about two seconds, but the last thing I hear is Ratalie shouting something over the closing music. Leave it to her to make sure a season with a likable winner still ends on a bad note.
Aaaaand that’s it for another season of Big Brother! Hard to believe this thing has sucked me in every summer for eleven years now. (Or wait, it’s ten, right? There was that one year they snuck two seasons in.) I always feel all bittersweet at the end of the finale. Like, the season’s over! Boo! I can get on with my life! Yay!
So it’s been a blast, y’all! Can’t wait to see pics of Chenbot Nano! For Flipit and Schoonie, and all of us here at TVgasm: Copyhacker out.
****Thanks so much for being with us for another season!! Find Schoonie over at the Survivor recaps, Copy at Heroes, and Flipit at Project Runway. LOVE