Big Brother: Old Man Juror

I saw you with your pants down, and my soul made that exact same face.A neutral-toned Julie tells us that it’s day 66 in the Big Brother House. She looks pretty classy, except for the fact that she obviously just discovered a sunken ship full of gold doubloons. Robots don’t have to breathe underwater, so she can explore heretofore uncharted waters.

Man, look where I went with that. And I haven’t even been drinking tonight! Anyway, here we are at the endurance competition where we left everyone on Tuesday night. Everyone blah blahs in confessional about how they really want to win. Memphis still hasn’t figured out that he should be losing everything. Dan starts talking shit to Memphis, trying to sell the fact that he’s pissed at Memphis for the Keesha eviction. I’m pissed at Memphis for the Keesha eviction. I can’t blame him, because it was smart to do (for Dan), but Keesha was awesome. How can you not love someone who refuses to hide their light under a bushel? And when I say “light”, I mean “blinding, cuss-riddled rage”.

We flashback to said eviction as Jerry tells us idiotically that when Memphis sent Keesha home, it was “the first time anyone’s done what they promised.” Yes Jerry, Memphis got rid of Keesha because he was so eager to keep his word to you. Dolt. We see Dan whisper in Keesha’s ear again, except this time we’re treated to helpful captions telling us what we already knew: that Keesha knows Dan went on the trip with Michelle. He then tells her “finish it”, which was supposed to mean that Keesha needs to lobby the rest of the jury members for votes. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I thought he wanted Keesha to rip the heart out of his opponent’s chest.

Dan then tells us what a great move it was to throw that last veto, which it totally was. Everything that Memphis has done for the last week has benefited Dan more than Memphis himself, and that’s really all Dan’s doing, which is pretty impressive. I really hope he takes this home on Tuesday. Man, someone I actually like might win Big Brother! Last time that happened, I was enjoying the smooth sounds of Craig David. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Memphis tells us that he’s pretty sure they’re selling the whole hatred thing pretty well as Jerry stands in the kitchen after Keesha’s eviction with the worst poker face ever, clearly enjoying what’s going on around him. He might be the least perceptive 75-year-old ever, and that’s saying something. I can’t believe he would actually buy this terrible acting job. Wait, yes I do. Nevermind.

Back on the planes, Memphis half-heartedly tries to sell his Dan hate to Jerry, telling Dan that he used to practice his balance on skateboards in his friends living rooms or something. Worst shit talk ever. I hope he never gets into a freestyle rap battle, because it would be pathetic.

Of course, Jerry falls off first. We don’t get an elapsed time, but according to my research, he lasted for roughly ten minutes. What a tough old man you are! Instead of running down and getting those bulls, why don’t you walk down there and…fall off of the hill after ten minutes. Jerk. After he falls, Memphis and Dan exchange winks, and the editors are helpful enough to include accompanying winking sound effects. It’s either that, or there is some sort of pink eye spreading rapidly throughout the house. Wash your hands after you use the bathroom, for God’s sake. There’s already enough bacteria in that house just from last season.

Soon the planes start flailing about wildly, and it appears that Dan is having some trouble holding on. Apparently the plan is for Memphis to throw this competition and beat Jerry at the next one, so Dan is getting a little bit anxious about the whole thing. He really does look like he’s about to fall on more than one occasion. Memphis eventually does throw the competition somewhat convincingly, leaving Dan as the victor. Memphis tries to sell his loss and look distraught, but it’s more terrible acting, just like most of the shows on CBS, save for How I Met Your Mother. I’m looking at you, David Caruso.

Inside after the competition, Jerry talks to Memphis in the kitchen. “I want to thank you for today,” he tells Memphis as he voices over about how nice Memphis is. Man, Memphis and Dan really did a good job on the whole divide and conquer thing with Jerry and Keesha last week. Dan enters after Jerry leaves, and they worry about tomorrow’s second heat as Memphis vows to win it. Yeah, not to spoil anything, but I’m not sure you’re going to have too much trouble with that.

Back from the break, Dan is coming out of the diary room with instructions for the second portion of the competition. It seems to involve boxing, and Jerry tells us that he hopes he doesn’t have to box Memphis, because he didn’t want to die. Well, Jerry, you know what they say: Float like a butterfly, sting like a pair of acid-washed jean shorts.

So in the backyard there are cutouts of each houseguest on springboards (and they’re all wearing boxing gloves, even April), and the challenge is to begin with Week 1 and punch everyone out except for the HOH for the week and the final nominees. For instance, for the first week you would leave only Jerry, Brian and Renny standing, and so on all the way to the most recent eviction. The buzzer sounds, and we cut back and forth between Jerry and Memphis. There is lots of punching as they progress through the weeks. Memphis told us that his strategy is “to go as fast as possible”. Man, what a novel idea! That just blew my mind. Did he come up with that himself? Because WOW, he is smart.

Apparently, going fast as possible will not be Jerry’s strategy. You know, walk down and bang all the cows or whatever. Or go so slowly that they die before you arrive. Jerry’s talks to himself in third person just like he’s Suede as he tries to remember shit that just happened like a week ago.

Time to see how they did! Memphis has a time of 8 min 35 seconds. Jerry’s time? Is 51 minutes 22 seconds. Memphis could have watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, taken a short nap, and still beat him. Way to go, old man! Bang those cows! He does have the good sense to be embarrassed about it in confessional, at least. Not that I’m going to give him any credit for it.

After the competition, Memphis and Dan celebrate their almost certain trip to the final two in the living room while Jerry…depantses himself in the bedroom. Wow, the guy has literally become a walking metaphor. That is…impressive.

Back with Julie, it’s time to talk to the houseguests! Julie asks Jerry what it feels like to be the Tonya of the Big Brother house. “I guess when I fell in the pool, my brain got a little water-logged,” he says. Are you a narcoleptic? Because that’s the only way a time of 51 minutes is even remotely acceptable.

Julie asks Memphis about evicting Keesha. Memphis tells her that it was hard. Man, Memphis is just full of quotable moments this evening. Julie then asks Dan about the mood in the house, and of course he talks forever and uses the phrase “smell the money”, because he is exactly that kind of guy. Dan is awesome, but also cheesier than hell. What until he gets out and hears about Sarah Palin.

Time to visit the jury house! Renny plays cards with Libra and Michelle. “Being in the jury house SUCKS!” she says hilariously over shots of her not knowing the rules of the game. Michelle gloats to us that the next person that comes in is going to have no idea that she went on Dan’s island excursion with him, so she’s looking forward to divulging that piece of information. As everyone makes dinner, April says that she’s really hopes that Jerry doesn’t come through the door. Renny is like “Yeah, I don’t want to see Jerry either!” but she means it in an altogether different and more hilarious way. I love her. April does want to see Keesha, calling it “karma”. So, when Keesha walks in and gets a hug from Renny, on goes the bitchfaces of Michelle and April.

Sadly, in April’s scary mind, the whole thing is sort of karmic, because the week they sent Jessie out and April was HOH, she wanted Memphis to leave, and here Keesha is, evicted by Memphis’ hand. Keesha tells them the whole story of Memphis and how he turned on her, and Michelle takes this opportunity to drop what she believes to be the bomb about the trip with Dan, except Keesha totally knows already, so SLAM! There goes your moment in the sun, skank. Keesha pulls out the DVD and soon everyone is in the living room watching. As Dan leaves Keesha safe and nominates Memphis and Jerry, Libra mutters “setup”, totally calling it. She might be a little annoying and she has a terrible haircut, but Libra was definitely smart. After the DVD is finished, April tells us that if the two boys think they can take Jerry to the finals and beat him, they’ve got another thing coming, because she is going to punish them for their hubris by voting for him. Ah, the spite vote! That’s a popular choice amongst jury members. Keesha tells us that while she is completely aware that Dan worked the shit out of her, she still thinks that he played an awesome game. Good for her. Save your hate for Senor V-Neck.

Back with Julie in the studio, it’s time for the final HOH competition. Julie’s going to recite some quotes from jury members and leave them with two options, and they have to complete the sentence with one of the two options. My first thought when I saw this competition, since it’s the same thing every year and they have to know what’s coming, was that it would have been hilarious if they had just been like ‘Hey, I’ll guess A and you guess B on every answer.’ I would have loved that. Julie would have Error 404′ed. But alas, they actually try to beat each other. Julie starts with Libra and works backwards through the jury. Dan gets Libra’s quote correct, and keeps his lead all the way to the end. The best question comes from Renny, of course. I have to quote the full sentence: “The most annoying moment in the house was when Jerry took his dentures out and brushed them in the sink.” Well, it’s not like he can brush his dentures in the backyard. That would be uncivilized.

Keesha’s question is pretty great, too. “The most awkward night in the house was…” and the possible responses are either a)my 30th birthday, or b)the night before I left. She chooses the night before she left, but both Dan and Memphis choose her birthday. Man, that episode was awesome. This season has been so great, no shit. WHO WANTS CAKE?

So Dan wins the final HOH and is now tasked with the responsibility of evicting the final housemate. Julie gives them both a chance to say some final words before Dan makes his decision. Jerry goes first, telling Dan that he should be taken because he never broke his word and he always remained loyal. Yeah, to everyone except Dan. How is that supposed to convince him to keep you at all? A dolt to the end, this guy. Memphis tells Dan that it’s been a “wild ride”, and that it’s time to find out whether Dan is a true renegade or not. Dan stands up and evicts Jerry without a lot of pomp (for Dan), telling Jerry that he is very impressed with his play at his age. Wait, Jerry’s old? I had no idea. People just don’t mention it on this show.

As Jerry makes his very slow way through the audience to Julie, she backs away, clearly afraid that his old man smell will short her olfactory circuits. The second the door closes behind Jerry, Memphis and Dan jump all over each other in celebration. The whole display is gayer than one of Fozzie’s recaps. Zing!

Outside, Chenbot asks Jerry why he thinks he got evicted instead of Memphis when the two that are still in the game appear to dislike each other. Oh Julie, playing along with their deception. You sneaky robot. Jerry talks about how they spent a lot of time in the hot tub together (where is this going?) and that he’s “not sure that it’s not a plan”. The audience lets out an audible cackle here, much to my enjoyment. The cackle does not register with Jerry, who is probably getting really excited about the new fall line of jorts that he hasn’t gotten to see yet and will soon. Jerry tells Julie that he thinks Dan made a mistake by taking Memphis because he’s “going to be the deciding vote”. Where the hell does he get that idea? We know Keesha is probably going to vote for Dan, but other than that isn’t it up in the air? He needs to stop talking. I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two months watching him. Julie asks him if he’s planning on voting strategically or to “settle a score” (i.e. to spite someone), and Jerry responds my making absolutely no sense at all. I am not exaggerating when I say that I cannot recap his answer, because I have no idea what he said.

After Julie shows Jerry his goodbye videos (which are punctuated by a hilarious “see ya later” by Memphis), she asks him whether this was his “last hurrah”. He talks about how he’s looking forward to going home and seeing his wife and family. I can’t wait for that Sunday dinner. “You ate the rest of the mashed potatoes? You JUDAS! SCREW YOU PEOPLE!”

Farewell, Jerry. Cross this one off your bucket list.

Back from commercial, Julie solicits our votes for the customary 25 grand jury prize. Renny (or Keesha) FTW! And with that, we have our final two, who say hello to “the Renegade moms and girlfriends” before Julie bids us adieu for the evening.

So, yeah…Dan and Memphis. How ’bout that? This season has been pretty great, I must say. We’re at the end of the season, and I don’t actually hate myself for having watched this show for the first time in forever. Nicely done, CBS. Nicely done.

Oh, and Dan for the win!