Since we are hurtling towards what will very likely be an unsatisfying Natalie win, why don’t we all sit here and reflect on all the things we could have done this summer with the time spent watching this show? I’ll go first. Skydiving. A picnic with friends. Pilates. Hiking in the gorge. A tour of vineyards. Drinking at a variety of sporting events until my face falls off. Now you go.Julie is dressed like a crazy blue zebra this evening. I seriously don’t even know what to make of it. She would probably look great without that electric blue jacket, which is not doing her pregnant robo-figure any favors, plus I think she has sex hair.
I guess good ratings turn Les on.
We’ll find out who won the veto shortly, BUT FIRST we flashback to stupid Nat with her stupid bathrobe and stupid sunglasses and stupid crown making stupid nominations. Natalie says her target is Michele this week, and she wants to throw the girls off and make them think that she’s not together with Kevin. I just want to say that is the dumbest idea ever. There are four people left. Is it really necessary to conceal your allegiances? I sure hope that people won’t find out about your super secret alliance with Kevin! Just to be safe, you should meet in your treehouse in the backyard so no one finds out and then talk about how much you both hate girls.
Kevin tells us that he knows he can’t beat Natalie in the Final Two, so he wants to get rid of her eventually. If Kevin evicted Natalie, I would be so pro-Kevin, even if that meant he were up against Jordan in the end. After the eviction, he goes out into the backyard with Natalie and has a very blatant discussion with her about how they only had a final five deal, and whatever, it’s boring and obvious. Even Jordan is like “Yeah, this is too good to be true.” When Jordan can figure it out, you know you’re in trouble, because she can spend entire mornings with the maze on the back of the Lucky Charms box.
“And don’t even get me started on those word scrambles.”
Jordan talks to Natalie about a hypothetical situation in which Jordan wins the veto. Jordan’s pretty sure she would send Kevin home, and Natalie’s foolproof plan to make everyone think she wants to get rid of Kevin apparently involves convincing Jordan to keep him around. It’s ingenious! Apparently, Jeff told Jordan to stick with Michele, so she’s not going to be worrying about anything but that. I hope Jeff reminded her to brush her teeth. Her brain is the main character in Memento.
In the dark, Michele and Jordan agree to have each others’ backs and try to psych each other up. Then they make out.
Not really, but this episode is boring and full of commercials.
In the other room, Natalie is proud of herself in front of Kevin for fooling Michele and Jordan. Kevin is upset with her, because she gave up the right to compete in the veto competition. “The odds are not with me,” he says, which is true. If Michele or Jordan wins, it’s pretty much over for him, so Natalie screwed him but good. Not that she cares, or has even considered it, but whatever. It’s Natalie. She tells him that Jordan doesn’t count as a competitor, so it’s actually like “one and a half against one”. “Anyone would have opened the box!” she says, doing that thing again where she knows she’s wrong again and she talks a lot about it to try and get other people to legitimize her. I’m so bored with Natalie, you guys. One more week until we can forget about her forever, everyone! I feel like I should purchase an advent calendar.
Veto competition! The houseguests have stack up blocks with former Houseguests’ names on them and match them to clues about the game, then hit a button to check their answers. You can guess how well Jordan does. Luckily, Kevin and Michele are also having some issues. Michele has decided to lay the blocks out in order and then stack them all on top of one another at the same time. This is a solid strategy, and results in her finishing her first set of answers quickly. Unfortunately, she missed the part of the instructions where the answers have to be right.
If you look closely, you can see that she stacked them backwards and I’m pretty sure she’d have won otherwise.
Meanwhile, Kevin is slowly and methodically building up the correct answers, even going so far as to switch a couple of blocks out when he looks almost done. Michele takes another shot, and this time she only has one incorrect answer. Jordan, on the other hand, is staring at the board like an idiot while the Wacky Tuba of Isn’t She A Dumbass plays behind her.
Kevin, however, has been diligently working towards the end, and he takes a shot at the buzzer, gets all of the answers correct, and wins the veto. He immediately starts crying and puts his hands over his face, because that’s how Kevin rolls. Michele is actually a pretty good sport about this and gives him a hug and everything, even though she can see the writing on the wall that pretty much guarantees that she’ll be going home to her husband and plethora of baton twirling paraphernalia.
I thought he was crying because he’s wearing stripes with plaids.
Back in the studio, it’s time to talk to the Houseguests! Oh, and thanks to Kevin’s suggestive references to submissive homosexual intercourse last week, we’re going to make today as boring as possible! Kevin, how does it feel to hold all the power? You will be shocked to hear that it feels good. Jordan, how is it in the house without Jeff? So hard, you guys! At night when she was bored, they would think of dumb stuff to do like play games and whatnot. Poor Jeff. He never got to do any of the stuff he actually wanted to do. The guy is a saint. I bet it’s really fun to play “I Spy” in the dark with Jordan. I bet the answer is “the ceiling” every. Single. Time.
Natalie, how hard was the decision to open Pandora’s Box? She says that it wasn’t hard at all because she’s safe this week and got to see her old, wizened boyfriend. She probably did the right thing, because he could go at anytime.
Why is she dressed like Dennis the Menace?
She continues to talk, much to everyone’s dismay, telling us that everything she wanted to happen this week happened anyway, so it’s no biggie. Man, I wish she would get stepped on by an elephant. Flipit had it right last week, girl is just an asshole. To fill even more time, get a recap of the giant baby with a face piercing terrorizing the other houseguests, and all the other random shit that Natalie unleashed upon the house. Hey Michele, which one of your visitors was the most annoying? It was the baby, because it smelled bad. Revelations everywhere this evening, people! I’m sure you are glued to your TV sets, just as I am.
Back from the commercial, we see that Julie has been taking very important notes about something throughout the break. Who the fuck takes notes about Big Brother? What is so important, is she writing “MICHELE DIDN’T LIKE THE BABY” in capital letters or something? Perhaps she is writing a programming interface for the cyborg child she is about to bring into the world.
“Hmmm, is it 001100010101 or 1100010010101 that gives the baby machine gun arms?”
Anyway, stupid Natalie tells us in one of the many confessionals where we can see right up her nose that Kevin winning the veto is the best case scenario for her. She disappears into her HOH room and brings him a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, smiling widely and congratulating him. Of course an eighteen year old drinks Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And what do the houseguests think, that her parents signed a waiver that allows her to drink or something? I wish someone would call her ass out. Michele has to suspect something. Also, Natalie is a one of the poorest winners in this game, all the time, even in competitions where she doesn’t participate. Why not bring the other two a drink as well, just to be polite?
Oh yeah, it’s because she is a jerk.
Jordan goes to her room to mope, and Michele follows her in quickly. Michele talks about how they’ve been duped by Natalie and Kevin, who are obviously still a team. Wait, you believed that? How is that even possible? I guess you can hold out hope for anything to happen this late in the game. Meanwhile, Kevin and Natalie celebrate like idiots upstairs. Afterwards, Natalie says that Kevin “took the blood” for Jeff, so she’ll “take the blood” for Michele by giving a speech during the veto ceremony. And just how the hell are you going to do that when you WON’T BE TALKING AT ALL? Idiot.
Kevin points out that Natalie keeps talking about the Final Two with him, but he knows he can’t beat her and so has to come up with some alternate plan. In the backyard, Michele asks Kevin if he’s together with Natalie, and he lies some more about their supposed Final Five deal, which makes no sense if you even take two seconds to think about it, but whatever, I’ve had it with all of these people. Expecting Michele or Jordan to have an intelligent thought at this point is a snipe hunt.
Michele does her best, though. She tells him she would take him to the end over Natalie, because she doesn’t want to see Natalie in the finals, and she continues to work him later by telling him that he won’t be receiving her vote if she leaves thanks to him later this week. Hey, at least she’s trying something, right? This might have been good to do about three weeks ago, though.
“I’m not listening, I’m thinking about that new song, Crank That Soulja Boy? I’m totally going to do that dance when I win the money. HA HA HA I’M SO CURRENT.”
Back in the studio, Natalie and her stupid backwards hat get interviewed in the HOH bedroom. You’ve told a lot of lies in the house, Natalie. Who are you loyal to? Answer: Kevin. Wow, thanks for that, Julie. Your Peabody Award is in the mail. Does Natalie think that the lie that she’s 18 has helped her in the game? She says yes, because it’s made people think that she’s dumb and naÃ¯ve. Man, she is pathetic. I love that she doesn’t have enough perspective to realize that the whole “I’m eighteen!” thing is only convincing because she is actually dumb and naive.
Veto ceremony. Kevin takes himself off the block, which means only Jordan can replace them. Julie gives them a chance to plead their cases to Kevin. Jordan gets to go first, and she tells Kevin the he told her she was safe, and then I have no idea what the rest of it is, because she starts rambling on an on about how she’s not a backstabber, and how she hasn’t lied, and how this game is difficult, and how this one time she ate a bunch of Chicken McNuggets and got really sick.
“My tummy hurt for a looooooong time.”
Michele actually reaches behind her chair and pulls out a set of glittery devil horns before beginning her plea, telling Kevin that he would be guaranteed the money if he kept her in the game, because she’s burned so many of the jury members. She continues, telling him that she can either raise hell in the jury house against him, or raise hell with him in the veto competitions. It’s actually a pretty good speech, if a little cheesy. I will say that this season has featured some of the better last-minute attempts to stay in the house through actual, strategic speech giving, which you don’t see often on this show.
Of course, Kevin doesn’t realize that Michele is his best bet, so he votes to evict her. She is upbeat as she leaves, hugging everyone and making her way out the door quickly. She high fives everyone in the audience very methodically and delicately on the way out, and I mean everyone, which is beyond hilarious to me, for some reason. I don’t know why it made me laugh so much, but I rewound it like three times laughing at her dorkiness. She actually turns around and goes back to get some of the hands that she missed.
Interview time. Julie asks Michele why she thinks Kevin decided to keep Jordan. Michele believes that maybe Kevin thinks she had a shot at winning. Personally, I don’t see it. Julie also asks Michele whether Jeff’s decision to evict Russell ended up costing her the game, and of course the answer is yes. Think about how differently this would be right now if Jeff had kept Russell in the house, and how much more fun we could all potentially be having. OMG, Jeff is the Janelle of this season, and Natalie is the Mike Boogie. Way to go, jerk.
In her goodbye messages, Natalie is typically bitter and uncouth, telling Michele that she played dirty and that she has no respect for her, as if Natalie hadn’t just spent the entire week lying to everyone in the house. I just want her to end up on To Catch A Predator someday. That’s like the worst thing I can think of to happen to anyone.
Make sure and bring along some of that Mike’s Hard Lemonade for your new internet friend!
Kevin tells Michele that he wasn’t sure whether Michele was going to betray him, so he couldn’t risk keeping her in the house. Jordan calls Michele an encyclopedia and tells her she played a good game. Afterwards, Julie asks why Michele thinks the people in the house called her so many terrible names, referencing Ronnie, Russell and now Natalie. Michele is all “I have no idea!” even though she’s just too nice to tell Julie what the real answer is, which is that they’re all giant assholes.
Time for Part One of the final HOH competition. This is so depressing. It’s endurance, as normal. They’re basically log rolling while holding onto their keys, which are suspended from the air. Julie’s like “Let’s get things rolling!” and then the log starts rolling, Natalie is all “Rolling, did you hear that?” as if the fucking stage itself didn’t make that obvious and she has just had one of the most intelligent revelations of all time. I love that she thinks she is the first one to figure out that the log is going to roll, when she is probably actually the last one. Natalie in a nutshell, everyone.
Of course, it’s not a Big Brother endurance competition unless there is random shit falling from the air, and so after the commercial Julie says a bunch of dumb stuff and then rain starts falling on the final three over the end credits. Sigh. I would love it if Jordan pulled an upset, but it’s looking like we’re getting a Natalie and Kevin Final Two. Sigh. So, after a brief, one season reprieve, it looks like things are getting back to normal for Big Brother. Hooray?