Big Brother: Punch You In The Box

First of all, Julie has stolen a sweater from my grandma, but she’s wearing it with only the top two buttons clasped. It’s like she wants to be warm and cozy, but she also wants to dress like an East LA gangster circa 1994. If you look into her eyes, you can seriously see how mad she still is about Rodney King.She tells us it’s Day 35 in the Big Brother house, and then she spends about five minutes telling us everything that Ominous Announcer Voice just told us over the previouslies. What is with this show and doing that? Oh yeah, it’s because they’re lazy and have foolishly spent half their budget on asparagus.

Julie also tells us that America has voted for the houseguest that they want to have a chance to come back (or something). They keep saying “chance” a lot, just like they’ve been all week, so you know there’s some shenanigans involved here. Julie then segues us into the house goings-on for the week, all “the house exploded with rage!” because these people feel rage in much the same way that you and I occasionally need to eat. Their food pyramid is built on a healthy diet of unsolicited rage. And carbs.

So, to catch you up, Matt is like “It’s on!” and then he throws it in Josh’s face, which is awesome because Josh sucks. Wait, am I on Team Matt? Holy crap, I think I am! Great, now I hate myself.

So Matt is going all Jase in the backyard and screaming and whatnot while Natalie is following him around like a puppy all, “Did I do a good job master?” She calls him “her partner” and it is weird and gross because she is always looking for confirmation and acceptance, and yet I think she is sort of awesome in this backwoods, oblivious way. Wait, so I like Natalie now, too? Man. You know that part in Fight Club where Edward Norton realizes that he is also Brad Pitt, and it completely blows his mind? That exact thing just happened to me.

Up in the HOH room, Chelsia is totally pissed! She’s like “You had a guaranteed two weeks! And you blew it!” and her arms are flailing and she’s just berating him. Ryan just keeps repeating what she’s saying back to her verbatim, which is how you can tell that he’s kind of dumb. I feel like every time I write anything about Ryan, I end the sentence with “…which is how you can tell that he’s kind of dumb.” You know why? Hint: it’s because he’s kind of dumb.

Then he further propagates my theory by trying to yell at Chelsia, all “I could have took your veto away! I could have took your veto away!” over and over again. Conjugate that verb, Ryan! You’ll get it eventually. Proper English: It’s Not Just For Non-Racists Anymore.

Ryan then asks to talk to Josh privately, telling him that just because he didn’t go along with the plan to boot Matt does not mean that he’s not a man of his word, because he did not nominate Josh just like he said he wouldn’t. Josh is like, “Yeah, we can totally keep working together because now everyone will think I’m mad at you,” but you can see in Josh’s eyes that he cannot wait to stab a fool.

Downstairs, Sharon is telling everyone that she’ll “see them in sequester”. Natalie and Shiela try to console her, promising their votes to her. Matt does the same, telling us that he’s now shown Josh what the deal is. Because Matt had exactly…what to do with not being nominated? Ryan just repeats the very last thing he is told, and the last thing he was told before the ceremony was to put up James. It’s not strategy, it’s like one giant game of Capture the Flag, except in this instance, the Flag can’t read too good.

Later in the backyard, Chelsia and Josh come out and set themselves up on either side of Shiela, trying to sort of harass her a little. Matt’s over in another part of the yard working out and overhears this, coming to her defense. Matt, she is batshit crazy. I’m sure she can defend herself by throwing cats at them or something. Matt starts berating Josh while Sharon sits there trying to hold Josh back, trying to keep him from having another blowup. Josh tells us in confessional, “If you really want to set me off, tell me to shut up.” I can only imagine the passionate response that ‘I know you are, but what am I’ will incite.

Sheila and Sharon chat on the couch; Sheila seems to think that Matt and Natalie both have a shot at winning the game, and Sharon is hilariously like “Um, no.” She then proceeds to spill the beans about her numerous makeout sessions with Matt, which Sheila cannot believe. The first thing she wants to know is whether he is a good kisser or not, but my favorite part is Sharon’s response, which is, “No, but I would kiss a freaking dog to get to the end of this game.” That is awesome, and I cannot wait for the HoH competition where the has to stick her tongue in a schnauzer’s mouth.

So, what’s a batshit crazy, fucknuts insane, bananas-ass woman to do when she finds out that Sharon has made out with Matt? Why, immediately tell Natalie, of course! You can see the gears (well, gear) turn very lonely in Natalie’s head, and she is very matter-of-fact all “I have come to a conclusion. And that conclusion is that I must get Sharon out of this house.” Why is it that I love Natalie so much? When did this happen? She is so dumb, and yet I cannot help but root for her.

Sheila then tells Natalie that she was thinking “the exact same thing”, which whatever, she was not. She is a walking roulette wheel with no rhyme or reason. Attributing logical thoughts to Sheila is useless. Most species of dolphin possess greater powers of human reasoning.

So Sheila and Natalie go and grab James to tell him that they’re going to vote to keep him in the house. James’s face: “Yeah, right, skanks.” Nonetheless, James shakes their hands as they make him promise not to turn on them and team up with the boys. I hate Sheila, you guys. She loves to stir up shit and be ridiculous, and I cannot wait until she is vanquished, but she has definitely done her part to make this season interesting.

Matt grabs Natalie and takes her into the bathroom area to “reconfirm” that James is a goner. Natalie goes all jealous girlfriend on him, all “Well, are you taking me to the end or her?” about Sharon, because this house exists in a parallel dimension in which everyone has conversations as if they are in tenth grade and it is the high school hallway. Natalie then tells Matt that she’s going to “make the best move for me!” Which, two responses: 1.) Whatever. Everybody knows you’re going to do whatever Matt tells you, and 2.) You totally don’t know what that move is, because most of your brain function is currently busy doodling your name and Matt’s on the back of some mental spiral notebook.

Matt takes Natalie to the back room to try to do some damage control, and the discussion is ostensibly about the game, but it is really about Natalie’s jealousy over the Sharon situation (which Matt wisely outright apologizes for) and wanting to be treated nicely by Matt, because that’s what every conversation is about for them. She literally says to him, “I just want some attention” which is simultaneously sad, endearing and pathetic in exponential ways which I cannot describe. Finally, he gets fed up and offers to end their partnership. He tells her he’s moving out of their bed, and they can stop with their whatever, and she doesn’t know what to say because she’s slowly coming to the realization that he’s a douche and she should stop trying so hard. Just kidding, that’s never going to happen.

Wow, that whole segment was intense. Why is this show so randomly awesome sometimes?

At this point, Chenbot is sitting down to segue into commercial, and I notice that not only is she wearing two sweaters, but that she has a leopard skin blouse on underneath those. Three layers! Her cooling unit must be working overtime. I hope she doesn’t overheat, that would be terrible. I am concerned. DID ANYONE BOTHER TO WINTERIZE HER?

Back from commercial, Julie gets her time to talk to the houseguests! I always look forward to this part, because it’s like what happens if you string the awkward silences from a thousand dates together. She asks Matt whether there was any doubt that things might not go his way before the veto ceremony, which is a dumb question to which Matt gives a dumb stock answer. Then Julie asks Natalie about whether her relationship with Matt has changed since the game switched to an individual one. Natalie is all nervous and smiley and uses no punctuation and glares at Julie with her big scary eyes, and her answer is like “No Julie it has not changed we still sleep in the same bed and are great friends and he’s my partner and also my cat’s breath smells like cat food!” Why have I not noticed that Natalie and Ralph Wiggum are the exact same person until now?

The best part is that the whole time, Matt is in the background making faces like “Um, she is totally nuts. Please do not ask her any more questions about me.” Julie asks Matt what his feelings for Nat are, and he tells Julie that they’re “great friends” and then uses the term “BFFL”. Chen searches her slang compendium and is like SYNTAX ERROR, so she says “Wait, BFFL? I thought it was just BFF?” And when Matt explains that it means “Best Friends For Life”, Julie is very gravely like “I have learned something here today.” as if it were an after-school special, and it is amazing.

Then Sheila gets a unitard montage in which her motions are compared with Jen’s, which only serves to make me miss Jen more because Jen is awesome and Sheila sucks, and then everyone votes that Sheila looks better in the red unitard than Jen, which is not true times one thousand. I wish just one person had raised their hand for Jen, just to see how Sheila would have turned it into a personal vendetta upon which to seek revenge.

Back from another commercial, it’s time to see how the evicted houseguests have been doing in sequester! Each pair got their own house, and here’s a quick, bullet point synopsis of what’s gone on:

• Jacob prays at his house and is really, really boring.
• Parker and Jen live together and are of different races! My stars!
• Amanda and Alex hate each other. He blames her for the eviction while they argue.
• Allison also gets her own house, in which she does yoga because she is pretentious. Send her back, it would be hilarious and awesome!

When we come back, all the evicted houseguests are assembled on the steps. Parker’s hair is mad odd. There are also an insane amount of microphone issues here; Julie keeps interviewing people and we keep getting little snippets of conversation from inside the house. I think Adam might be inside chewing on some wires or something.

So, here’s how it’s going to work: the person who won America’s vote will face off against the houseguest that gets evicted tonight in a house vote, and that person will return to the house. The best part is that they have to hide inside a “mystery box”, which is the most embarrassing thing ever. “You want back in? Jump out of this cake!” This show is so corny.

So, Parker gets second (WTF?) and Alex wins! He looks shocked as we head into commercial. Called it, Flip and Fozz!

Commercials. I hope Jonathan Penner’s knee is okay; he seriously rules, and if he were to be taken out of the game on an injury, that would be unfortunate.

We’re back, and it’s time to find out who’s leaving! Julie evicts James by a 5-1 vote. James actually gets up and heads for the door before Julie finishes, so you can tell he kind of knows it’s coming. Everyone but Chelsia stays in their seats as she walks him to the door. After he leaves, she tries not to cry or get upset but she is a little shaken up.

Out in the eviction studio, Julie asks James why no one got up. He tells her that he asked them not to because he has no desire to say goodbye to people who don’t keep their word. When Julie asks him who is playing the best game in the house, he tells her Sheila, which is sort of true by accident. I mean, it’s true, but it’s not like she’s doing it on purpose. James also tells Julie that he does like Chelsia, and he hopes that they get to hang out after the show is over. Julie is like, “Wait, how are you going to do that with the whole ‘biking around the world’ thing? Is she going to come with you?” And you can tell for a moment that Julie is envisioning this whole scenario where they ride along on one of those big tandem bikes while the sun shines. And there are balloons!

They show Chelsia’s goodbye message, which seems earnest and honest. James diffuses the tension by being like “INTENSE!” when it’s over, which is perfect. I think he might actually be kind of cool. Julie asks him what he would say if she told him that this wasn’t “the end of the line”. He looks at her very seriously and goes, “I might…crap my pants.”

That, right there? Is brilliant, because Julie (like most robots) has no concept of hyperbole, so she thinks, momentarily, that he is actually going to poop all over the studio.

I’m not kidding about that. Nothing more needs to be said, but go watch it again. It will blow your mind. Best moment of a pretty awesome episode. She also thinks that the word “crap” is somehow taboo and on the FCC blacklist, so she is super worried that all of James’ responses will now involve at least one four letter word. You can see her tense up, it’s great.

Then Julie sets off the siren, and they all run screaming into the living room, babbling about how something is about to happen. Chelsia is trying not to get excited and everyone is speculating as they hit yet another commercial. The best part is Joshuah’s face, which is 100 percent certain that he’s going to have to deal with Allison again. Oh, how I wish that would have happened.

So, Julie tells the Houseguests about the “mystery box” and how they’ll get an option between that and James. She gets to this part and they all start colluding about who to vote for; Julie keeps trying to talk over them to keep the drama from diffusing (even though you can tell that it’s James by now), so she is like “THERE IS NO TALKING NOW!” and DisciplineBot will make you pay. You can almost see the lasers trained on them from off-camera.

One by one, the HGs come in to vote. Ryan is first, and he votes for the Mystery Box, because if he does not, there will be no box of any kind for him when he gets home. Chelsia votes for James, obviously. Matt and Sheila vote for the box. Josh votes for James (because he is effing convinced that Allison will haunt his ass, which again would be AWESOME) votes for James, as does Nat. Adam is like BRING BACK JIMMY! LET’S BREAK STUFF! And then Sharon votes for James too and it is over. Back from commercial, the box is in the middle of the living room and there is screaming as James emerges from the box, reborn. Hey, a metaphor! Gross.

It’s time for the HoH competition and everyone heads out to the backyard. It is decorated like a giant Lisa Frank sticker. There is sparkles and disco balls and unicorns. It’s an endurance competition, in which they have to stand on disco balls that rotate around, and the last person standing wins. Pretty simple, really. Since explaining challenges is the bane of my recapper existence, I am often thankful for stuff like this. And then, of course, they have to spray dumb shit on them, and even Natalie is like “Wow, here it comes!” so you know that when her ass figures it out, there is no surprise left to your boring repurposed crap. However, I love endurance challenges; they’re great. This one looks like it could last forever.

Wow, that was actually an awesome episode. This season is starting to pick up!

As a reminder, if you post spoilers about the competition or who won in the comments, Madeyoulaugh and Flipit will come to your house with tire irons.