Big Brother: Rode Hard and Put Away Nuts

Previously on Big Brother, I got a new picture for my fridge.

After James nanny boo booed and pranced and IN YOUR FACE!ed around during the veto meeting, Chelsia took some private time with the cameras to tell us what a spineless wimp Moose is for letting Nat, “one of the most pathetic people to walk the Big Brother house”, tell him how to play. I hope when she gets booted, the bot shows her some pics of her hobo bf doin a twink for a six pack of PBR.

Moose goes to find Sharon and get her approval for nominating her. He sits and pants and wags his tongue, and when she tells him he did a good job by putting her on the block, he rolls over and then goes and sits in the corner to lick his half lipstick. Sharon and Moose should make babies. Bug eyed, dumb ass, sweet as pie beeeebbbieeeeees!!!

Yes! She likes me!

Chelsia tells us that people are jealous of her and Hobo Hank’s relationship and that’s why she’s on the block. That and her completely crappy game play. One day you’re stripping and rubbing up against your friends with a girl, and the next she’s conniving behind your back to get you ousted. Have you never seen Showgirls? Consider yourself pushed down the stairs.

She cuddles in bed with James and cries about not wanting to leave. He tries to cheer her up by telling her a sweet story about a little whorish bitch from Iowa and a crazy hobo on a stolen bike who dashed her chances of winning five hundred grand, but it doesn’t work.

Because that pit your face is in probably hasn’t seen a bar of soap since a rest stop in the outskirts of LA forty something days ago.

Montage of Natalie telling endless, annoying stories where she laughs like The Nanny and uses terms like All-timer’s disease while Chelsia stands in a corner and starts to craaaaaack! Finally, when they are decorating Easter eggs (Jesus is like, I rose from the dead for this bullshit?), Chelsia slams an egg into the table and starts laughing like a psycho. She tells us that if she’s gonna go out, she’s gonna go out with a bang. She takes another egg and throws it on the floor. Nat is stunned, and she knows what’s coming so she gets the hell outta there.

In her diary room, Nat says that if she acted like that, her family would never talk to her. She draws the line at lap dances and squirting breast milk out for entertainment on the internet. Nat, what’s with the tan, babe? It looks like you skinned Simon Cowell and zipped him on. Stay inside and count wood chips in the gerbil cage. Less of a chance of skin cancer.

That performance sounded like a toddler being torn apart limb from limb.

James comes up to Chelsia and giggling, asks her if she wants to go to bed so they can brush each other’s hair and she gets all bitch. She says no, she wants to smash more stuff. Then, she walks over to the bowl of Easter Eggs and smashes them all while laughing and laughing. Sheila watches her in shock and tells us that there is a cruel side to Chelsia that she’s never seen in a person before. Uh, when did you start watching this show? You’ve seen cruelty before. It’s just never had such a bad haircut. Nat goes to her room to do her nails and tattle tale.

I’m sure he’s got it on TiVo.

Chelsia starts yelling about crushing the Beaver State egg that Nat made, and when she doesn’t get a reaction from anyone, she sits down to do a puzzle. Hobo Hank rubs her shoulders as she shouts that she’s not smart enough to do the puzzle and needs Nat’s help. NAT! She goes on to call her white trash and stupid. The best thing about all this is that no one reacts. Nat sits in her room and repeats “sticks and stones” over and over while she finishes off her mani and Ryan and Moose lie around in the HOH suite making fun of Chelsia.

James tells us that it’s sad seeing someone you pretend to be a heterosexual for act like a raging bitch and he plans on voting against her. He also says that she’s ruining his game, which is hilarious because he really sounds like he believes that he has game. Dude you were just nominated AGAIN after acting like a huge dick all week. You’re lucky you don’t have a gag reflex. And so is every “actor” you’ve ever worked with.

ChenChen is wearing a flesh colored number from Contempo Casuals tonight, which is a bad move as it makes her pored rubber look even faker. Where’s Gunnbot when you need him?

This looks hammered and nailed to me. Hammered and nailed to me. Hammered an nailed to me.

Chen says hi to the HGs gathered for the vote and asks Moose about his favorite baby food. He doesn’t get it, so she clarifies her “joke” and he doesn’t get it again and then blames his mom for sending the baby food in a care package because she wants him to stay a virgin so he will be home forever to take care of her instead of running off with some harlot.

Clips of Evel Dick and his skanky ass. The bot asks Sheila if she wants to bone him and she says hell yeah, she’s already had chlamidya and all the hepatitises so she’s ready to get all up in that. Sorry, hon. I saw him at the Fox Reality Awards and his date was like twelve. But thanks for stripping away the last shred of respect I had for you. It made me uncomfortable anyway.

Next question is for Nat. Are you still psycho and will you kill Matty Poo when you get out of the house and he rejects your advances? Yes and yes. Then a joke about Matt having eight letters in his last name to which Nat responds “I keep my secrets to myself, Julie!” Nat seems confident and coherent tonight, and I don’t think I like that color on her.

Just in case you’re not completely engrossed and fascinated by this episode yet, Sharon tells the bot that if she gets evicted she wants Nat to take care of her “beebeeees!!!” Those poor guinea pigs. If Richard Gere drove up right now they’d jump in his car and never look back. I know that’s an old one, but it has never ceased to entertain me.

Until this moment, I have refused to refer to this week’s HOH as anything but Moose, but since this is his episode, I will make an exception. And now, for The Ballad of Baller, as told by his mother and brother.

There once was a sweet big boned boy with giant eyes that popped out of his head. He was five feet when he came out of the womb, and his mother still looks like she is in pain to this very day. Before he learned to walk around in his big oaf-y body, Baller started to babble nonsensically. Soon, realizing that something went very very wrong in the gene pool, his family started attributing false information to his blubbering so that they could convince themselves that what the kid was saying was brilliant. Unfortunately, this led to Baller’s brother hearing “mwahdadak” as “Get the gayest, most out of fashion faux hawk you can” and his mother heard “lgbeedskks” as “mommy, please thwart any chance I might someday have of getting laid by sending me baby food in a care package on national TV and referring to me as Rain Man.

The end.

Before break, Hobo Hank tells us that Chelsia is like the Titanic and “her antics don’t look good on me”. Neither does anything else, but you still get dressed in the morning. He says that she’s bringing him down, which is hilarious since she’s getting voted out because she helped bring him back. This guy? CHARMER. He’s right about one thing. He aligned with one sick bitch.

The bot interviews Moose and asks him what the deal is with Sheila. He shouts that he trusts Sheila and believes that she will support him til the end. He was just having fun by threatening to put her up. At least I think that’s what he said. My speakers blew out. Seriously, dude. You’re wearing a mic. Shhhh. He says that he lied and said he wouldn’t have voted Alex back in had he known he was in the mystery box because Hobo Hank was sitting right there, but it doesn’t matter now because he put Hank on the block and was now a target. He is smiling really big and he seems to be under the impression that he is Prince Charming, and it’s disgusting but also kinda cute.

Like Bindi, the LUCKIEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WHOOOOOLE WORLD!!!

Time for the “why you should vote for me to stay” speeches. Sharon is calm, tanned, smiley and pretty(ish) tonight, and she gracefully says that if it’s her time she’ll accept it and if not she’d love to stay and enjoy the company of her fellow human beings. Then Chelsia gets up and starts making crazy faces and pointing at everyone and saying she never changed for anyone (to which Sheila nods encouragingly, LOL) and she never breast fed off anyone in the house. Uh….thanks for that? James puts his head in his hands, and he actually looks better like that. Point is, this bitch is officially bonkers.

How to Win Friends and Scare the Living Shit Out of People

Every single HG votes to evict her ass. Even James, who knew that she would be out regardless of his vote. That’s pretty cold. He runs back out into the living room and does a triumphant girly jump. What a prick.

I think we can all agree that the color pink is owed an apology tonight.

On her way out, Chelsia tells Moose to get a backbone, Nat to get an education, and says that Shelia has been rode hard and will be put away wet. LOL. That one was good. Then she hugs Josh and says that she loves him, which totally figures. I think that she must not know what “unanimous” means, because she hugged Hobo Hank twice and kissed him. Hullo? He just screwed you over. As she leaves, she screams “blow this house up!” Cookoo Cookoo. The HG’s aren’t really stunned. They’re amused. Poor Chelsia can’t even manipulate a simple reaction. LOOZA.

Wait, I take that back. She got Sheila. “She’s just jealous because I was in Penthouse Magazine.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Every young girl’s dream, Sheila. I am really starting to warm up to her. Chelsia comes out to talk to the bot and says that she’s not mad at her bf for voting against her because she wants him to win it if she can’t and her biggest mistake was voting him back in in the first place. Then she says all sorts of other annoying crazy bs and I FF because frankly I was done with this bozo two weeks ago. What a c word.

Goodbye messages, yay! Josh says that he is so so sorry they couldn’t win together and he will avenge her. Every HG this year is Charles fucking Bronson. “I will avenge you” is the “you threw me under the bus” of 2008. Chelsia cries and cries like she just won Miss America. Sharon says nothing of importance as usual, and Nat comes on with a big smile and says that she’s praying for Chelsia. HAH. The following pic is just too beautiful to mar with a caption.

Hobo Hank says that he wants to be with Chelsia outside the house and it’s worth more than $500,000 to do it. Riiight. That’s why you saved yourself instead of her and then voted her out. This guy is so full of shit. I would hate him, but he’s delivered to Chelsia exactly what she deserves. For that, thank you. Now please someone evict this tard. Chelsia cries and cries and cries and says that she needs to watch the season and get a TB shot before she commits to hanging with the hobo outside the house. Good riddance, a hole.

The HOH comp is called BB Election. America was asked questions about the HG’s. Whoever guesses what America said the most times out of seven while wearing white blinding goggles and Jessica Rabbit gloves wins. I just reread that sentence and yup, it is as dumb as I thought it was as it came out.

Basically, America thinks Joshuah is the most arrogant, Adam’s the sweetest but also the dumbest, James is the most worthy of an autobiography (and then, I rode my bike, and then, I earned a six pack the hard way, and then I sold peanut m and ms to finance my trip around the state world, and then I nicknamed myself Crazy, and then I vowed to never brush my teeth again, and then I made a quilt out of the Life and Arts section of the paper, and then….), James is the bravest, Natalie is the most inspiring, and Sharon is the most loving. And OMG, NAT WINS!!!! HAHAHAH YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! Josh is SO SCREWED I LOVE IT!! Nat tells Ryan that God gave her all the signs as we leave the house and I am giggling like a school girl.

How dare America diss my autobiography? I’M A STAAAAHHHH!!!!

So what do you guys think? Will I finally get my wish of seeing Joshuah get his ass tossed out on the street? Will James get nominated and then save himself again (I feel it coming)? Will God stop “working” and finally make a guest appearance on the show?