Big Brother: Sally Field Loses the Oscar and Gives the Acceptance Speech Anyway

Tonight on Big Brother, for the first time ever, a fart had a say in the final vote and a spatula gave someone some very bad advice.

Yay! You hate me! You really hate me! I win!

SunBot starts us off with that “the lines have been drawn!” spiel. That was said like ten times before the end of last episode. Why is everyone saying that so much? CBS is trying to affect the white trash vernacular. Yes, Les. Say it enough, and people will just start repeating it all over America and you’ll gain some viewers back. Suddenly, an arrow slashes Chen in the neck and she starts bleeding coins. She looks like a Squirt machine under siege.

Tonight, it’s a WHOLE NEW GAME! Wouldn’t that be awesome if it seriously did become a whole new game? Like Monopoly. Or Scrabble. Wait. They already tried that one.

The Day That Scrabble Cried

I live in Little Armenia. Do you know what I see a lot of?

You know he’s had “Pass That Dutch” as his ringtone at least once.

I smell Axe. The suit, the cocky head. I don’t think I’ve ever typed “cocky head” before. But look, he totally has cocky head.

Cocky Head

Tomorrow, you’re gonna start saying “cocky head” and “the lines have been drawn” over and over again and not know why. Point is, Russell’s not Armenian, he’s Lebanese. So am I! So for that reason alone I have to root for him, right? I tried showing that kind of blood loyalty to Tony Shaloub, too. But Monk? No. Russell’s my second chance at Lebanese pride.

As Julie yarns on about lines being drawn and Ronnie probably being screwed, Ronnie does an invisible evil beard twist thing because he’s totally an evil genius, you guys.

He looks like an idiot, as usual, but it’s nothing compared to what poor Lydia is going through. Why does this girl work so hard at being as hideous as possible at all times? Pleather, fauxhawk, 80′s aerobics headband and general dirtiness aren’t all she’s trying to get past today. When she took a nap this afternoon, someone drew a giant dick on her eyes. CBS put a black box around it, like this is Cheaters or something. Come on! You can’t show a dick, but you can show a drawing of one!

Sorry, children.

Woah. Stop the car. JULIE! CULOTTES???!?!? NOOOOOOO!!

There should be a black box over these culottes. That’s the real offense.

ChenChen says Coup d’Etat a lot. Sorry all I hear are culottes. Pregnancy doesn’t give you the right to just up and lose your mind in public. Or does it? I kinda feel like making a baby right now, you guys. Chenlet mysteriously says that Russell may be safe from eviction, but no one’s safe from paranoia in the Big Brother House. The lines have been drawn, k?

Just as I’m thinking “who let in Harvard?”, Jordan tells someone she’s just wearing glasses cuz she wanted to look smart. Then she does the chicken dance.

Clap clap clap clap.

Jordan tells us that they only need four votes to get Ronnie out and they’ve got em. Ronnie, sincerely, whines to us that he can’t believe how Michelle has no sense of loyalty and how she’s only out for herself. HAHAHAHAHAH. Please, PLEASE let this dumdum get sent home wearing that shirt.

Ronnie is so emotional about not being taken off the block that he does that lipless frown thing and wanders off to stare at a spatula.

Lead the way, you hole-y mass.

Outside, Hydia tells Kevin that he shouldn’t come near her cuz she has the plague. Lydia having the plague doesn’t seem too far fetched, so Kevin waits a sec before realizing she’s kidding and then tells her that just because she has a giant dick on her eyes doesn’t mean that people have lost respect for her. It happens to everyone! By the time he’s done, he’s convinced her that she’s a winner. She’d be on a Wheaties box if Skankery was an Olympic sport.

Look out, Shaun Johnson.

Later on in the day, Michelle and Jordan have taken over the couch. Michelle nervously giggles about how she doesn’t have any normal books, just “brain books”. Jordan probably wants to bond with Michelle a bit and join in the conversation, but she’s not sure if the big yellow book with all the phone numbers in it counts as a tome to discuss with a nerd.

I wish I had those glasses right now.

Not yet realizing that Jordan is seriously not gonna even try to talk to her about books, Michelle blahs on about how she really doesn’t read as much as she should, cuz she’s always tired from being so smart. Jordan takes a solid beat and then gets to picking her nose.

I could really use some boogar.

Russell comes out onto the patio looking all shifty eyed and nervous. He asks if he interrupted their conversation, and Jordan says no they were just talking about books. No one in their right mind would believe that Jordan was discussing literature, especially cuz she pronounces it “litracher”, so Russell assumes she’s lying and they were really plotting together. Woah k emotional instability. He can be so charming, and he can be downright scary. A hot man with paranoid rage issues is dangerous to the public. But as long as he takes out his aggression at the gym and just gets really giant muscles, then he’s ok by me.

He doesn’t drop it, and asks what they were really talking about. Jordan insists over and over again that she wasn’t “scheming about” him, and says that she can tell he’s mad cuz he’s getting smart with her. He says that it’s just really stressful being the one with all the power cuz you don’t know who to believe. She just smiles and giggles, which must mean she’s really a mastermind who’s planning on taking over the world.

Russell is sure that something’s going on, so he takes Michelle up to the HOH suite and gets the info the only way he can. By being amazingly hot.

She has no choice.

He complains that he doesn’t like it when people talk behind his back cuz he can’t defend himself. He’s wanting her to confess what she was talking about outside with Jordan, but instead she says that Chia, Jessie and Natalie want to backdoor him and talk about it all the time. True, but I think those three have said at one time or another that they wanted every cast member out. Michelle just aligned with the majority of the house and now she’s gonna break up their majority instead of riding it out. Am I getting that right? Cuz it looks stupid to me, but then again, she’ll say anything she needs to right now to keep this happening.

You dropped something, officer!

Russell calmly tells us that it’s a complicated game and he doesn’t know who to trust, but in the room with Michelle he’s nervous and skerd. Oh man, Michelle. I know Russell’s a new friend, but you should already know that he doesn’t keep his mouth shut about anything. He gets Jessie up in the HOH later and grills him about Chia’s plan to get rid of him. Jessie says dude and bro a lot and then picks at a callus on his palm. Gross.

Brah. I can see my future. I’m in tights.

Jessie assures Russell that Michelle was lying to him and Chia’s got nothing but the best intentions. Russell likes to yell, so he disregards Jessie’s words and tells Natalie to summon Chia. LOL with the summoning. Milk that position, buddy. Natalie whispers to Chia that the end goal is to get him out but not now, and Chia says that she wants to kick Michelle’s ass. So she goes up to the suite and insists that Michelle join them. Michelle’s like huh? I never said anything bad about you Chia! Russell gets his rage on and shouts that Michelle just came up and told him Chia was trying to backdoor him. Michelle shrugs and gets that “shit where’d I park my car?” look.

I could have sworn it was in A7. WTH?

She plays dumb really, really well. And good for her for thinking on her feet. She tells Russell to calm down and stop being paranoid cuz she didn’t say anything. LOL. He flies off the handle at her. He tells Chia that he isn’t lying and doesn’t care if she believes him. She takes that as a cue to lose her shit, saying if he doesn’t care what she thinks then she doesn’t trust him. The two biggest mouths in the house go at it. Jordan describes Chima pointing her finger in his face and screeching and bobing her chia hair all over the place like this: “That girl’s sassy!” .

He’s shouting and making cocky head and putting his chin in her face. They “you are!” “you are!” “you!” for awhile and cuss and make a big ole scene, then take it down to the living room and outside, exploding bad English all over each other. This has to be one of the dumbest fights on the show. Neither one of them even knows what they’re fighting about. Can we get back to Michelle playing Dude Where’s My Car?

Do I have bats?

Chia, sounding like she’s about to weep, shouts that he has big ugly ass cauliflower ears. Bwahahaha. Ah, high school. She goes inside and slams the sliding door shut, but not before hearing Russell taunt her about being 34 and how she should act her age. That would burn if we weren’t all staring at your ears right now.

She hears the diss and starts to tear back outside, but Kevin is holding the door shut with all his might. Or there’s a semi parked in the backyard out of frame and he’s trying to lure the trucker out of it.

Chia tries to calm down with Michelle and Natalie. She’s so enraged that she doesn’t even bother asking Michelle if she was talking shit about her. Michelle nods knowingly and declares this “Season of the Rat, Part 2″. Then she waters Chia’s head and sings a lullaby. Well played, Michelle.

Chendra tells us that Ronnie doesn’t have much time to get his votes, and it’s all about timing in the Big Brother house. And drawing lines in the sand. Ronnie approaches Jessie as he’s spitting out his toothpaste water. It might seem like an inappropriate time, but the only other time Jessie’s awake is when he’s eating, and that seems even ruder. Ronnie frowns liplessly and says that he accepts the fact that he’s going home. Jessie doesn’t laugh, so Ronnie gets on with his real plan. He’ll make that nitwit Jordan think no one’s voting for him to stay so he can get her pity vote. Jessie reminds him that Jordan hates his pasty ass, but Ronnie won’t be deterred. He will pull out his bag of frownsmiles and work the room. Whatever you do, don’t talk to Natalie. She looks a little…cavemannish at the moment and could be dangerous.

Jeff decides that tonight’s the night to put the moves on Jordan. He gets on her in bed and they make out a bit, and Ronnie comes in. LOL. The only thing more frightening to look at on this show besides Ronnie is Ronnie in night vision.

He goes on and on about how he’s a big man and can take losing but he wants at least one sympathy vote. They don’t answer, and in the moment of silence they start making out again. He continues to try to charm them by…farting really loud. His simpering, wussified cock block cemented Jeff’s vote. Another brilliant move by Chaz Bono. Jordan just can’t continue after the fart, so Jeff is left to apologize to his boner as he leaves the room.

Back to Chenlet. She apologizes to Lydia for having to block out the giant Sharpie penis on her eyes, and then Jordan tells her that she just loved watching the entertaining fight between Russell and Chia. I don’t watch the live feeds because they mess with the recaps, but someone told me that Jessie’s been crying over slop the whole week like a total wuss. Julie asks him if he’s appreciated America’s gift of squid and poopie diapers, and he says that Kevin didn’t even put forth the effort to try it, whatever that means. Then he flashes his dimples and says that since he’s a body builder he can stomach “the most blandest things out there.” Jessie just talked for a minute and I didn’t understand one thing he said. Some lady in the audience sure got worked up about it though. Her arms jiggle so violently as she claps that she hits the lady next to her.

Chenlet gets some private time with Russell. She asks if he regrets fighting like that with Chia and he says that “it was a melting pot” that was getting ready to explode. Way to bring race into it. Those melting pots and their explosions. He adds that he apologized to Chia for everything he said and then accepted a handjob from her. All better.

Russell says that now he is going to adapt to not having power, cuz he was king for like forty years. He adds that Cheniqua is gorgeous and he appreciates her being there, like she doesn’t blow an old man who smells like pickled pigs feet every night for the chance to do this. She reminds him that she doesn’t have a vote in the house, but she is charmed. He insists that his alliances with Jeff and Jessie are both genuine and he’s gonna do his best to not backstab them. Aw! He seems like he’d be an awesome boyfriend when he’s not ramming your head into a wall.

And now it’s time to find out who America voted for! Jeff, duh. And it is Jeff! This is America, and pretty wins every time. He is called into the diary room and there’s an envelope waiting for him. He does his best to read it and the camera man has to pronounce coup d’etat for him. LOL. He doesn’t know what that means, but it sounds foreign, which is apparently sexy to him. I would call him a disgusting shameless pervert, but poor guy’s got blue balls. You can blame Ronnie for this one.

Oooh yeah. Italian.

Jeff thanks America for giving him the chance to turn his nuts back to their normal color. Wait til he finds out he has the power to defy the HOH once either this week or next. Chensei tells the HGs about the power, but won’t say who has it. She gives the mystery player a chance to use the veto now, but Jeff just smiles and turns bright red. LOL smoothness.

Time for beg for your life speeches. Lydia is first and says “groovy”. I’m sure she said other stuff but I’m hoping if the editors will slip up with the box and show us her eye dick so I don’t hear it.

Come on! Just a flash!

Ronnie takes his time to do his best Sally Field impression. He shakes his jowels and gets all high pitched and says that he thanks everyone and anyone who got him on this show cuz it’s been his dream like forever and he’s totally worked really hard to get here. LOL. How do you work hard to get on BB? Then he thanks Jessie for helping him lose twenty pounds. You lost twenty pounds?

Look behind you.

He says that everyone in the house is a really good person except Michelle. Her actions in this game have convinced him that she’s the most horrible person he’s ever met in his life. Russell, the guy who, you know, put him on the block in the first place, is in the clear here cuz. Michelle most likely won’t try to beat Ronnie up for talking like that. Pick on the girl, PUSSY! Chenel says that he probably won’t win her vote, but thanks him for unsuccessfully trying to top Chia’s first week speech. Sad horns.

Voting time! Chendall accidently refers to Kevin as a she. HAHA. Love it. He votes to evict Ronnie. Natalie votes to evict Lydia and so does Chia, who looks like she’s doing the handkerchief trick out her belly button.

She’s waiting for an important week to pull the bunny out of her hair.

Jessie votes against Lydia, and Michelle shockingly votes to evict Ronnie. Jeff votes against Ronnie, and Jordan votes to evict the pudgy lesbian who farted while she was trying to get boogar. Ronnie’s out!!! YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA. Ronnie condescendingly pats everyone on the back like they just got evicted. He tells Michelle to be quiet as he leaves and his last words are “and…scene!” Of course those were his final words. CHEESE. I have to say, I didn’t think this day would come so soon, and I am thrilled. He walks onto the soundstage like he just won.

The Longhorns are in a collective facepalm right now.

There is total silence in the house. The only noise is Jeff’s bone rubbing against his button fly.

The absence of pasty dork farts can do wonders for a man’s virility.

Ronnie laughs retardedly about his ridiculous Michelle slam and says that she’s a liar and blah. Chental asks if his speech to her could have been used to describe his actions and he says they are kinda the same but he was ultimately true to the athletes cuz he was finally in a situation where they couldn’t just ignore him and wedgie him and push him into a locker and Michelle has no pathetic alliance with anyone. Chendra keeps trying to call Ronnie out on being a snake, but Ronnie has a politician’s answer for everything and says the only reason his health care plan is running into polling trouble is because Michelle is an evil swastika wearing Nazi organizing against him in an alliance with Rush Limbaugh.

Kevin starts off the goodbye video rolling his eyes and making wacky faces and nanny boobooing. Then he says “deuces” and gives a backward piece sign. Hm. Did he just tell Ronnie “poops” as a goodbye? I kinda like that.

Jessie also has two fingers up in his video, but it’s never explained why. I don’t think it means “poops” this time though cuz he thanks Ronnie for being a good ally. Russell says nothing interesting, which gives me time to stare at his ears.

Now I can only think of vegetables and he’s way less hot.

As Chia tells him she voted for him to stay, he cries. HATE. Michelle says “I hate you.” HAHAH. Michelle for the win! She cements my love by ending with “get out the door you big dork!” HA. Ronnie tells Julie that he won’t be keeping in contact with Michelle. I don’t know if this is the most fun I’ve had during an eviction ceremony, but it’s up there.

America has called in and left messages for the houseguests. Video package! Viewers sing the HGs songs over the loudspeaker and tell them witty things like “stop sleeping so much! You lie all day you don’t need to lie around all day!” That was so Grodner’s goddaughter. The messages go on and on and really showcase the country’s intellect. At one point, Jordan says “who has time for this?” Asks the woman who volunteered to get stuck in a house all summer and do nothing.

HOH competition! It’s a quiz game, which bodes well for…well, no one. They have to remember things said in the messages that the viewers recorded. Michelle and Lydia are the first two out. Then Jessie’s out on the question about the message telling them to stop sleeping so much, most likely because he was asleep during that one. Jeff and Jordan are out together, which is cute and gross at the same time. Kevin and Natalie are out, leaving Chia as the winner! She squeals like a train approaching a baby left on the tracks. This is gonna be a long week. The contestants answered way fewer questions than the producers had hoped, so now it’s filler time.

When we come back from break, Chia is still squealing. She gives a shout out to Ronnie for having study group with her, cuz that’s why she won. Then she says she hopes there is lotion in her basket and she’s happy to have power and safety this week. Audience questions! Lydia is asked if she could get a tatt now what would it be? She says she already has a cock tatt on her eyes and she’s done for awhile. Kevin asks who is most in need of a makeover. Nice gay question, Grodner. He may be a homo, but he’s wearing jelly bracelets and shaved lines on his head.

Besides me?

He answers Natalie. Granted, she’s wearing a hair claw, but she’s in the same room as the girl with a peepee on her face. Kevin’s gonna pay for that.

OK this show should have ended ten minutes ago, when it was still fun. That said, we’ll always have Leia.