This week on Big Brother, Dan takes his “suck hard” strategy to an entirely new sucktacular high.
I can’t hear you. Suck louder.
I went to April’s live eviction last Thursday with some friends and I was gonna write an article about it, but not much happened that you didn’t see on TV. The bot is f ing gorgeous in real life though. She came out looking like she just got up off the couch (one side of her hair was sticking up in the air), but once she was placed center stage, a crew of mechanics came out and fixed it. The girl has some serious hair. She also has a big strong butt, which I was surprised at. She looks so thin on TV I assumed she would be a scarecrow in real life, but she was built very very well and no one in the audience could look her in the face because, well, none of us was worthy. Not that she looked at us anyway, because she was studying the teleprompter pretty hard and mouthing her lines to herself and pacing around. Reading “This week on Big Brother, a live eviction!” has never been said before and even a bot can feel nerves.
The stage manager was the audience wrangler, and he was nice and funny. He instructed us not to boo no matter what the results are, and then he asked us who we wanted to go home. Jerry? Two of us clapped (hell yeah). Or April? The audience went nuts. Wow. They really hate that bitch. I felt bad for April for like two seconds, until they showed clips of her being an ass and then I was back on the tar and feather the bimbo bandwagon. When she was brought into the audience for her interview with the bot, ladies in the crowd snickered at each answer she gave, and there was quite a bit of muffled laughter. If this were Roman times, that audience would insist she fight a tiger or some shit like that. I mean April’s annoying and everything, don’t get me wrong, but the crowd mentality was a little harsher than she probably deserved.
That is, until she gave her second interview, the one that was shown on the Early Show the next morning. Whenever ChenChen would ask her a question, April would begin her response with “well, Julie, if you watch the show, then you know…” LOL. I had never thought about it before, but I suppose it’s entirely plausible that the bot has never seen an episode of Big Brother in her life. Every single thing she says is written down. I figured there was at least a little improv, but oh hell no. Anyway, in the second interview, April kind of sidesteps the question about people being jealous of her, saying that she thinks that there was jealousy but it’s only because she’s got such a big heart. The lady in front of me almost had a silent lung collapse at that one. April continued that there was lots of jealousy, but not from her because she grew up with someone who looks exactly like her so she’s very confident in her looks. This girl is really a piece of work.
There was a trivia game where audience members could win t-shirts, but the wrangler only chose one guy, and it wasn’t me. BASTARD! I wonder how many times that guy gets laid by members of the audience who win free shirts. I’m guessing a lot, because he was really making an effort there. So I didn’t get a t-shirt, but I got this picture! That’s my giant bald head in the back. I wasn’t hired for my looks, k?
I glued this to my fridge. It will never leave me.
That’s enough of that. On with the show!! When we left on Thursday, the HGs were being slammed up against a big padded wall in the HOH comp. Seems a little dangerous to me, but if you can’t slam a 75 year old vet repeatedly into a wall on national tv, then what’s the point of all those wars we fought over freedom? After reading all the coverage of the Olympics in Beijing, it’s nice to see mild violence and elderly abuse unfurl so unabashedly.
As the slamming starts, Dan says “If you’re gonna be a monkey, be a gorilla!” Alright, who wants to be the one to tell Dan that gorillas can’t swing on vines? No one? K, moving on. Dipshit. Rerun quotes Tupac’s “Me Against the World” to inspire himself, which seems like a bad choice to me. After all, it didn’t end too well for Tupac. Rerun might have more success if he quoted something nice and positive. Like “Tomorrow” from Annie. Or “Please Don’t Stop the Music”. Just some advice. Dan says after this, kids might be out of the picture. Let’s hope so, for their sake.
Michelle says that she wants to win because she wants to get vengeance for April, which I find hilarious. I think she just likes vengeance. They were friends for what? A week? Rerun is “distrut” about April’s leaving, but he’s gonna carry on even if big black birds from Albert Hitchok movies keep trying to get him. It was cute seeing Rerun’s parents last week, because at least we know where he gets his wack verbiage. Did anyone understand a thing his dad said?
Catholic Dan yells into the camera about how April tried to give him five grand but he’s playing for half a mil so she can suck it. Poor Dan must have been slammed up against the wall pretty hard, because he’s louder than usual and something’s wrong with his left eye. Or is the haircut Renny gave him so bad that I’m just noticing his lazy eye for the first time? Get a song from Renny, but not a haircut.
Next challenge: how many baseballs can you take to the head?
Memphis tries to relate to us how difficult the swinging competition is by revisiting his childhood. You know how when you were a kid? How you would swing from a tree and then get scared and hold on and then hit the tree? Uh, no, but it explains a lot, mixo. Then Dan tries to explain how difficult the challenge is by comparing it to “the carnival ride from hell because you had a lot of fun right when you got on, but then you realize you’re not getting off any time soon.” Monica must feel like that sometimes.
Twenty six minutes into the game, and Jerry is the first one to show signs of weakness. No, it’s not because he’s old, it’s because he has the giant balls of a 75 year old and the rope won’t let them be. I would get on the not fair train, but Michelle hasn’t complained about her giant vagina so suck it up, Jer!
Dang. It’s like the set of Wipeout in those pants.
At 46 minutes, he finally falls and goes into the fetal position, screaming about gooks and missing legs, but then Renny tells him it’s 2008 and his legs just fell asleep and ps we call them Japs now. The HGs still on the vine start pulling water balloons off the wall and throwing them at each other. Memphis throws one at Rerun but misses, instead hitting Michelle right between the eyes. She is cool about it in the diary room, telling us that it was meant for “Ali”. Why is she insisting on pronouncing his name that way? It’s Goal Weight Rerun, idiot!
Keesha is the next one down, at the hour mark, which really pisses Memphis off because it’s almost like the other HGs are actually planning on him doing something on his own to stay in the house instead of riding on their backs like he has been for the past two months. The nerve! The other four make it to the two hour mark, and that’s when Groedner gets really nasty and starts slamming them really hard and fast against the wall. Renny whispers that Michelle looks pretty beat up. Then she tells us it’s 2008 and water is wet.
You shoulda seen her after she was slammed against the wall a few times.
Her sneaker gets caught in the fake plants on the wall and she’s down. Rerun knows that Michelle is the only one who most likely wouldn’t put him on the block, which gives him “more sense of urgency.” Memphis isn’t worried, as it’s now two against one. He trusts Dan, because they’re the Renegays and nothing with ever break them apart. Then he falls. Wussy! Jerry is the first one to help him off the mat, which seems odd at first, but it goes to prove my theory that everyone is more likable without a fauxhawk.
Now if you’d get rid of the mandannas and the Panama Jack hats, you might have a shot at winning this thing.
Rerun is getting a little shaky up there, but he tells us that he is going to wait it out to get revenge on the house for getting rid of April. Then the fake rain comes again and he starts quivering. Dan tells us that he noticed it (how could you not) and he’s got his special purple shirt gloves on, so he’s confident he’s gonna win. I know we have said this a million times, but Dan needs to shut the fuck up. He’s giving me a headache with the shouting. And did Renny actually pull out some of his front hair when she worked on his head? That is one unflattering haircut.
Dan tells us that if he doesn’t see a picture of his girlfriend soon he won’t make it long in the game. Here, let me help you out.
There, you happy? Now drop.
Rerun promises that if Dan drops, he won’t put him up. Dan refuses, but says that if Rerun drops he won’t put him up or backdoor him, and he promises on Monica, his family, St. Mary’s, Xenu, and Buddha. And he’s smart, because his cross isn’t showing so there’s no way to tell if he’s lying or not. Rerun doesn’t take the bait, saying he wants to see pictures of his family too. Dan knows he has to up the ante, so he offers to protect whoever Rerun chooses. He chooses no one, saying the only one he wants protected is himself. LOL. Everyone hears it, and Michelle walks away pissed as Keesha laughs. Just when you thought Rerun couldn’t get any dumber.
Dan says that he wants to look as weak as possible while still winning HOH so he will give all the HOH power to Rerun so that his hands are clean and no one can get mad at him. He offers him the chance to keep someone of his choosing safe, the power to nominate someone, and also the power to put someone up if the veto is used. ????? Your plan is to look like an idiot and you succeeded. So now Rerun is in control, and he gets to play for HOH again next week. Ah well, at least you get to jerk it over the rhino pic. Congrats, Dan! How does he think this isn’t gonna piss people off? What a tool. Finally, Rerun says he wants Michelle safe and Dan says ok. Then Rerun makes him swear on Charlton Heston and takes the deal. Dan shouts at the top of his lungs at us about making the worst deal in Big Brother history and being very proud of it. I don’t know where Dan is coming from, but he needs to get off my TV.
Keesha corners Memphis in the pantry and tries to figure out what Dan’s deal is. Memphis stays quiet, probably because he’s in awe at how many Wheat Thins Keesha can fit into her mouth at one time. He guesses that Michelle and Jerry will be on the block. In the kitchen, Rerun tells Michelle that Dan gave him the option to save someone and he chose her. Then he starts telling her about the whole deal. It’s secret, of course, so he would appreciate it if Michelle didn’t “reiterate any of this.” Man, if Michelle understands anything you say, she deserves to win this thing.
Michelle guesses that Dan must want to be safe if she or Rerun wins HOH next week, but Dan was too dumb to put that one in there when he was giving away the ship. Oh, Dan. Michelle is understandably ecstatic. Dan finds Memphis in the little girl’s room and tells him that things are gonna get sticky this week because he got pics of the rhino. Also because he made a really shitty deal. He doesn’t elaborate, but Memphis is already kinda pissed because Dan “had the upper hand, dummy” and should have been the one making deals. He was the one who made the deal. That’s what makes it all so deliciously wrong. He goes to find Keesha and Renny to guess about what the deal entailed. Renny is all fidgety, telling us she has no idea what the deal is. Then she starts stuttering and wringing her hands. Will she finally crack? Come on, Ren! I’m rooting for ya!
Memphis tells us that he thought he could trust Dan to not be an idiot but now he knows he’s wrong and has to take the game into his own hands. LOL. You do know that means you’ll actually have to win something that matters, right? He gossips with the girls about what a dumbass Dan is, like the Renegays meant nothing to him. Time to see the HOH suite! Pictures of Rerun’s family are everywhere. Just kidding, it’s lots of football stuff and a t-shirt from Monica that says TAKEN in all caps. Because even Dan’s t-shirts have to yell. Controlling much? Probably just as well. Dan seems like he could use some guidance. Or beatings. We are shown a pic of Monica, and she doesn’t look like a rhino at all. She’s actually really pretty. Of course Dan looks like Keanu Reeves in that shot, so I don’t know how trustworthy the photo is.
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Memphis thinks Dan is a giant pussy and tells us that you would never see him in a shirt that says taken. Well, maybe now that you have a full fledged automobile and you won’t have to pick girls up on your bike anymore you might get to reconsider that one, womanizer. Dan says that he needs to play the game harder and weaker for his girlfriend. You know Monica’s gonna beat his ass like a runaway ho when he gets home. He says that he really does love Monica, but he needs to seem as weak as he can to the other houseguests. Well, tell everyone about your deal, then. Nope. Instead, he conjures up some fake tears while he reads his letter from his girl.
No one has taken out the trash since you left you motherf***er, and if you left me to do the dishes and pay the bills all this time and you don’t come back with half a million dollars, I swear to God (and I’m wearing my crucifix) that I will cut your balls off and feed them to you, you weak stupid man. Don’t suck, Monica.
PS Your football team lost. AGAIN. Loser
He doesn’t conjure up any actual tears during the reading of the letter, but Renny falls for it anyway and tells us that a man who can show his emotions is a real man in her book. Later, lying around with the other HGs in the living room, she tests her theory about Dan’s manhood and asks him how many girls he’s dated. He doesn’t know if she means girlfriends or dates, and she rolls her eyes and says it’s an easy question. How many damn abortions have you paid for? He refuses to understand what she’s asking, so she starts screeching because he won’t eeanswer! Eeanswer the queastion! LOL. He pisses her off, which redeems him a little bit in my eyes. At least for now. She stalks off mad and screechy.
Later that night, Rerun comes to talk with Dan in the HOH suite and gee whiz, guess who he wants to put up on the block? Memphis! Dahdoink! Dan tells us that if he puts up Memphis he risks turning Memphis against him and losing his strongest ally in the house and it might backfire on him. Ya think? Cut to Memphis stuffing his face in a really loud hoodie.
I shaved my chest for this?
The next morning, Memphis finds Dan outside and asks if Rerun tried to get him on the block. Dan admits to making a deal with Rerun. “Nothing physical.” Memphis high fives him for not giving up his sweet little ass that easy and keeps probing. Dan says he is letting Rerun choose someone to go on the block, but asks that Memphis trust him. Memphis reminds him that it doesn’t matter whether or not he trusts him because Dan doesn’t have a vote. Dan stares off in space trying to remember if that’s in the rule book somewhere or if Memphis is just trying to scare him.
Keesha comes up to the HOH suite to talk to Dan, and he pitches the idea of the final four being him, Memphis, her and Renny. She says that Renny hates Memphis so he’ll need to talk her into it with his mad skillz. Ding dong! It’s Renny! She comes in skipping and grinning from ear to ear like a crazy person, and then Dan sits her down and tells her the plan. She says flat out that she doesn’t trust Memphis, he’s a dawag and will cut Dan’s throat. Dan says they can just use Memphis and cut him later. Renny kind of agrees, but reiterates that she doesn’t like fauxhawks or thirty year old men who ride around on bikes. Dan tells us that his whole plan hinges on Renny and everyone knows she’s “crazy, she’s recluse, she’s a wild card!” Recluse. Score one for St. Mary’s. He continues on about being uncomfortable putting his fate in the hands of a woman who wears wigs and boas. Right now you need to worry about the faith you put in the guy wearing fisherman hats and LIVESTRONG bracelets, tool.
Memphis catches Dan in the kitchen and starts giving him shit about putting him up, saying that they are in a two person alliance and putting each other on the block is a giant nono. Dan just keeps saying “but I made a deeeeal!” That must be very different than making a deal with Memphis. Either way, Dan’s a liar. Memphis tells us that he’s acting all lighthearted about it (lighthearted = waaaaahhhhh nooooo faaaaaaaiiiirrrr) and then says Dan’s an idiot. True, and I hope his idiocy sends your ass home this week. He goes to sit alone in his room and ask the picture of Monica a bunch of questions about who he should put up. The picture never changes, but I swear Monica looks like she’s gonna hit him. He says his mom would tell him to keep his word and his dad would tell him to break his word. Well, in one episode you’ve taken both their advice.He considers putting Rerun and Michelle up, but he knows that whoever stays in the house will be coming after him. Yeah, but guess what? Neither one is aligned with ANYONE, so who cares? You’re gonna piss off all the people possibly on your side? Then he references his “secret alliance”. Do you not remember telling Keesha and Renny about it like five minutes ago? I don’t know why I’m still typing. This guy’s hopeless.
While Dan stares at the HG picture wall and tries to make a decision, Jerry sits outside kicking himself for ever going on his Judas rant while resting his giant balls on a pillow.
Dan gathers everyone around the table for the nomination ceremony and starts off by admitting that he made a deal and he is going to stick to it. Memphis looks like he just dropped a dinkle in his diaper. Rerun is the first one safe, followed by Renny, Keesha, and then Michelle, leaving Jerry and Memphis on the block. Dan tells Memphis that a lot of people don’t know where he stands in the game. “Some might call you a vagabond, I may say you’re a renegade. We’ll find out.” That’s Danspeak for “please don’t hit me.” Then he gives Jerry a football analogy, but I don’t get it. First down something. How can anyone listen when poor little Jerry’s making this face?
But I served! With pride!
Jerry tells us that it doesn’t feel good to be put up, but he’s got a positive attitude about it. If he does leave, he’ll get to see April’s boobs again. Rerun is drunk on power, thinking that he will control everything (and so far it looks like he’s right), and Dan tries to spin all this and tell us that he actually made a smart move to hide his alliance, because who in their right mind would nominate someone they’re in an alliance with? Uh, no one? Memphis is pissed, and Dan had better hope he gets evicted or he’s completely screwed. So is Dan’s move as dumb as it looks or is there some hidden depth there that I’m missing? I knew he was a tool, but I didn’t know he was this big of a tool. He’s a fucking tractor. Weigh in.