Big Brother: Squeal Like a Pig, Boy!

Last night on Big Brother, Jesus was marinated in the germs that cause bad breath.

Get me some nails.

First I have to give a giant f u to DirecTV for giving me a black screen for the entire hour of tonight’s Big Brother. I am planning on recapping this while watching online, if it will work. It’s been five minutes of black screen on the net, too. Is God trying to tell me something? Oh wait! A Benefiber commercial! He is talking to me! Get off my fat ass, God!

Man, I wish the earthquake hit the rest of LA after it hit the Big Brother house because instead of ducking, screaming and praying to Jesus, I would have known that all I really needed to do to make everything ok is take off my shirt. Thanks, Organiroid! When we left off Thursday, the HGs were hanging from a shaking building in an endurance challenge. Get it? Cuz there had been an earthquake! I hope the big one hits this season just so I can see the awesome ripped from the headlines set that sucks Jessie into the ground for good. Hey, while we’re being topical with the games here, the state’s still on fire!

When we drop in today, the HGs are still holding onto the building while a wind machine blows sand and water and trash onto them. Luckily for Renny, she’s beside Jessie, who is in a bonding mood. He asks if she’s ok with him and she nods, confused. He meant “have you learned respect, old woman?” Either way, her response is natural. Then violins start playing as he monologues about his drastic and life threatening six pound weight loss. If this were any other time, Renny could have pulled out a wadded up patchouli smelling kleenex with bits of tobacco in the creases to wipe his tears, but it’s not so all she can do is look desperately around for a waiter to bring the check.

If you haven’t thrown a sack of grain over the Big Brother fence yet, you should be ashamed of yourself.

No one has started crying, so Jessie pulls out his other giant weapon: his shitty personality. He starts shouting nonsense about gluts and biceps as he flexes and puffs out his chest at the other HG’s. He tells us that this competition is very important “because everything’s on stake just because of the sheer fact that…” HUH? Back at the ledge, he’s bellowing about how if he falls, he’ll just do a pull up and it will all work out. Jerry is getting annoyed by all this bluster, so he starts shouting that Jessie can’t handle the truth and then falls on his face.

Whenever I do something incredibly stupid, I jolt awake right before sleep and start calling myself an idiot and cutting my thumbs with my index finger nails, so I was hoping that Keesha would start her diary room session with bloody hands, but no. She’s smiling big and telling us how proud she is of herself for evicting the girl who messed with her gbf. Yeah, good for you, Keesha! You got rid of a girl who posed little to no threat to you and left the Incredible Sulk and his little Smithers, both of whom work out way more than you and now pretty much hate you. I was really expecting more than petty jealousy and girl rivalry from a Hooters waitress.

Bitch.

Hag.

I hate her soooo much.

Then Renny starts doing stripper moves.

New Orleans has a boner right now.

It’s only been 33 minutes, and people are starting to freak. Is there no DMV where these people come from? 33 minutes is nothing. Libra is muttering to herself and jerking her head like she’s having seizures. Finally, she asks herself “where am I?” Uh, you’re on a set in Hollywood. Where are your kids? Kidding! Just thought I’d add that one in there for all you worried about Libra ditching the EbIv twins for a chance to win half a mil. My mom left me in the hot car in the summertime to get her goddamn nails done, k? It might just be how I was raised, but who cares? She’s missing the suckiest part of motherhood. If her husband ever wants to get laid again he’ll have the little brats aiming into the toilet by the time she gets back. Point is, Libra is a big wuss and is the second to fall.

The fake wind and trash come back and Dan puts his crucifix in his mouth so Jesus won’t get dirty. Jesus never wrote an autobiography, but if he had, I’d like to think that he’d mention preferring a little dirt to volatile sulfur compounds, but that’s just me. Michelle takes the opportunity to get closer to Jessie. He doesn’t really pay much attention to her, so she starts facing her vajayjay to him. EW. Get this girl some leggings, it’s family hour!

EW

Dan is looking pretty shaky up there, but tells us very loudly that he’s considering throwing it. You know, to stick with that whole being a horrible player in every way strategy he put into action the second he walked in the door. He asks Memphis what happens in baseball when you get three strikes. You win? No! You fall off a ledge! He jumps, and Libra smells his stink instantly. She squints her eyes and tells us “somethin’s not right. Somethin’s just not right!” She’s right, kinda, but it’s hard to take her seriously when she started babbling nonsense and forgot where she was two minutes after Jerry jumped. If they ever have a crooked eye finger shaking and head rolling contest, Libra would totally win.

The wind and dust come back, and without talking to himself, asking about baseball, or being seventy three, Rerun jumps. Weeeak!April looks like she wants to kill him. Keesha starts shouting encouraging little nothings in support of Renny while Michelle tries to encourage her to drop. She tells Ren that she’s safe if Michelle wins since she learned how to respect the Sulk, but Renny ignores her. Is it me or is Renny on a path of enlightenment this season? She started as a total wackadoo, then got spanked, then moped, then turned all introspective, and now not a peep. I’m all for spiritual enlightenment, but not while you’re on the clock. Get back to crazytown, lady!

The wall starts shaking and Jessie bends over to brace himself. There has been a lot of gossip on these here internets from the “friends” who are leaking nude pictures of Jessie that he’s a mo, so it’s even funnier watching him get banged from behind while crying for his mommy and looking around for a pillow to bite. Seriously, he’s crying! LOLOLLLL. He keeps telling himself that he won’t give up and it will start to hurt less if he can just relax, but then he poops the bed falls off the ledge. Lata, sucka! He tells us that he’s pissed and “so above this competition”. Well, maybe next time the producers can come up with something classier for you, like rolling around in honey or getting shit on by giant fake pigeons.

This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.

It was awesome seeing this giant tool crying, but it’s even better that Renny beat his ass! Go Renny! Keesha tells her how proud her husband is gonna be that she kicked the giant muscle-y ass of a twenty two year old on roids, and then she skips in circles around Jessie and loops nanny boo boo for ten minutes. Rerun chills on the lawn with a big smile on his face and shouts up to April that she will be getting a full body massage when all is said and done. GROSS. Please, don’t do me the favor of sending me the YouTube clips of him paying this promise off. I still have nightmares of the dirty grinding feet you sent a couple of weeks ago.

Memphis announces that it’s Let’s Make a Deal! time, which explains all of his really bad costumes and general tackiness. Renny pulls a hard boiled egg out of her butt crack and asks if he wants to trade for the car he won. In the diary room he switches between his Panama Jack hat and his giant red bandana. I’d like to think that if Monty Hall were here, he’d slap Memphis upside the head and tell him to tone down the cheese a little before all the housewives turn off their TVs. April just smiles at him and never even answers his plea for a deal. The men seriously suck it in this challenge. I would say I’m ashamed to be a man, but I’m not. I’m ashamed they’re men.

Michelle, April and Renny are the final three left up on the ledge, and it’s turning out to be a battle of the hos. April is dressed in the outfit Demi Moore wore in that movie that Woody Harrelson sold her to Robert Redford for a night and she and Michelle keep doing all these bend over and shake moves. Renny tries to keep up, and it’s hilarious.

At least Demi got a mill to give it up, and that was like fifteen years of inflation ago, you ho.

Catholic Dan tells us that he’s a football coach, which cracks me up because he looks like the wind could break him in two. It kinda explains the shouting though. First the Rocky music plays while he gives Renny a speech about not letting bad wigs or an itch for boxed wine bring her down. Then the music switches to the National Anthem as he gives Michelle a speech about not losing just because she has ten pets and feels that losing is her lot in life, and then the music switches over to Jesus Loves Me as he lectures April about how proud her family’s gonna be of her when they see her barebacking on After Dark. Basically what I got from this is that Catholic Dan really sucks at speeches. I have a feeling his team loses a lot.

Time passes. April is in a pretty steady boob jiggle now, Michelle is checking to make sure her cooter is still there, and Renny’s kicking and filap ball changes on the ledge are starting to numb her feet. And she’s down! Michelle and April are left alone. I am really feeling for Michelle right about now, not only because she’s probably in crampy pain, but because she has tied her sweater to her waist to look thinner, but as usual, that’s just a myth.

You’re getting so thin you’re starting to look like Jessie.

Then they show Goal Weight Rerun again.

I hope April gets all the questions right.

The wall starts shaking again so the girls both get into that getting banged from behind position and Jessie curls up into a ball and starts sucking his thumb. Rerun keeps shouting positive affirmations up at April, and she looks like she’s gonna poke is eyes out the second she gets a chance. Michelle, like her bf, starts woohooing and yelling as she’s about to fall. It works about as well for her as it did for him. April ignores her and tells us that she’s happy to be getting a sun tan. Me too. You look like mime. Michelle, seeing that she hasn’t fazed April, starts whining for a deal. April promises not to put her up, but Michelle ugly cries and heaves anyway, so April goes a step further and promises not to try to backdoor Michelle. Heave sob waaaaaahhhh.

Jessie, still stinging from his wuss ass performance, starts crying again. Oh for fuck’s sake, man up! He says it’s not because he just got schooled hands down by his fifty something year old nemesis on national TV, but because Michelle’s crying and “it’s like seeing someone you love getting restrained and beat down.” Yeah, Jess, it’s worse than Roots.

If you promise to keep your legs closed.

Michelle is still sobbing and shaking and refusing to jump, so April promises not to go after Jessie either, which is craziness, and Michelle makes her repeat the promise like five times. Finally, Michelle drops onto the mat an ugly crying heaving mess. Dang, this girl can cry. She sounds like a walrus with a flipper in the trash compactor. Jessie comes to her with some water and hugs her, which makes her cry more. Then he pics a cricket out of her hair and she cries harder, saying that was her new pet. He puts it back and kinda pets her awkwardly.

Everyone saw you FAIL!

Jerry tries to lift her down, but she’s like an ox and almost lays him out flat. April jumps on Rerun, who already has his penis out, before going to hug Michelle and telling her she loves her and blah blah. Michelle keeps doing that horrible dying walrus thing and it gets uncomfortable for everyone. She says that she is crying because she really wanted to see a picture of her mom, but I think it mostly has to do with not having her own room to finally have her way with The Sulk. Poor deluded Michelle. Oh, and Jessie’s sulking.

Things are only getting more awkward on the mat, but Michelle won’t let Jessie go. He tries getting up and she whines “at least I got you to be safe!” You know how people tell foreigners to watch American TV to learn the language? I hope to God they’re not learning from this show, cuz they will totally get deported for being too dumb to work. Libra is stalking around the girls and Jessie, waiting to hear someone talk shit about her. Defensive much? Later, in the bedroom with Keesha and April, she nervously says that she’s so excited for April that she could cry…if she talked about it. So let’s not talk about it so I don’t have to pretend to cry. How can you not at least kinda love Libra? April tells them that she promised to keep Jessie too, and her plan is to go after Memphis because she is still furious that she didn’t get a fifty year old gas guzzler. I hope someone just lets her win the next luxury challenge so she’ll shut the hell up.

Here’s a pic for your fridge. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Time to check out April’s HOH suite!! She’s wearing jeans, and at first I didn’t recognize her. I’m impressed she owns a pair. She has a basket of Hot Tamales and Trojans from her family, and I doubt she’ll be putting either in her mouth. April bores me and so her room bores me too. I will note that she has a creepy ass twin, but otherwise it’s all white noise. Michelle starts crying about not getting to see pictures of her family and Jessie hands her a pig’s foot to munch on. Get a grip, bitch.

Since April is firmly against Memphis, Keesha decides that it’s the perfect time to openly hang out with him and try to become his best friend. Keesha says that she’s not gonna not be friends with someone just because everyone hates him. Sound familiar? I think Keesha probably has runaway daddy issues because she’s always feeling the need to stand behind people who don’t really deserve it. He left because of you, mothah!! It’s just a shot in the dark, but I watch a lot of daytime TV so I feel qualified to make it. April is instapissed when she sees Keesha leeching on to her latest loser and tells anyone within earshot that she feels disrespected. Oh for chrissakes not you too.

She finds Libra in the kitchen and starts going off about what an a hole Keesha is, even saying that if she finds out Keesha “says anything” to Memphis she’ll put her on the block. Damn! Renny hears this and is sure to let Keesha know about it before she goes to bed. Getting bad news is one thing, but getting it from a woman in both leopard and zebra print accompanied by a giant eye mask is downright disturbing, and Keesha gets all teary eyed. And then she says that she wants to do everything in her power to keep Memphis in the house. Oh, Keesha. I don’t really know what else to say at this point. Renny doesn’t either. She gets this look on her face like “why the hell am I aligned with such a fucking moron” before pulling the mask over her face and joining her marching band in her dreams.

Let’s put April’s hands in warm water while she’s sleeping.

That dorky Eric music starts playing, which means it’s time for America to screw things up again. I will never forgive you for Donato, America! NEVAHHHH! Dan goes to the diary to get his assignment from America, which is to get Jessie nominated. I don’t like these multiple choice assignments. Can’t we just ask him to be quiet? He goes to find April, who is whitewashing her face so there are no visible features. He’s wearing Snoopy’s Joe Cool sunglasses and stretching uncomfortably like he’s trying to get up the nerve to put his arm around her in a movie. Smooth. Thank God he has that sweet talk thing down. “I think you should, I’m just saying you should like I mean like you should totally Jessie put up Jessie I like I think I like put up Jessie. I’m just saying.” Moron.

April runs straight to Keesha and Libra to tell them that Dan’s acting weird. They ask if she means the shouting or the twitching or the eye rolling and bad sentence structure, but she says no. He’s suddenly trying to get Jessie out for no reason. “I think he’s America’s Player.” !! LOL. Who says April’s an idiot? Oh yeah, that was me. I stand by it, but with props.

Later on, Michelle puts on one of Renny’s wigs and goes to lay out in the sun next to Dan. The wig actually works for her. She looks less…pet-y. Dan asks her to talk in her wacky Rhode Island accent, and she promises that she will if he talks in his drunk deaf guy accent. Agreed. He tries to teach her how to pronounce the “er” in water, and it’s painful and funny. She can’t get it until he asks her to say “turd”, which rolls off her tongue. Nope. Still no wat”er”. Dan says that if she was one of his students she would get detention. She would also most likely be poorly educated and on a bad football team, but why belabor the point?

Since no one’s yelled at Keesha for being a fence jumping traitor yet, she lays with Memphis outside and talks strategy. He pouts and tells her how much he needs her vote and she looks at his stoooopid bandana and imagines ripping it off and running her fingers through his hair while everyone judges her. He says that he knows he will be going up against Jerry or Dan because April promised not to put Jessie or Michelle up. Keesha claims that she knows nothing about a promise to keep Jessie safe, and she doesn’t budge. Come on, Keesh! Why are you holding back? Is it the bad dye job? The overly waxed brows? The fact that you’re putting nails in your own coffin? For whatever reason, she keeps her lips zipped for the time being.

You’re almost growing hair on your face, Vato!

Time for another America’s Player assignments. Dan has to hug someone for ten seconds. Groedner, why don’t you just ride in on a bike, give Catholic Dan a hand job and then fork over sacks of money? Weren’t we promised specifically that there would be no America’s Player this season? YOU LIARS!

Before nominations, April finds Rerun to bitch about Keesha some more, but this time she calls her a bitch. Nice, April. Then she says disrespect about ten times and puts on a tight pink sweater that lifts her giant boobs up to her chin. She decides to stick with her alliance and nominates Memphis and…Jessie! HAHA! Love it! Jessie tries to smile and act like he doesn’t care but he is beet red and already four pounds thinner. Poor little guy! Michelle tells us that she trusts that April isn’t gunning for her man, and then she takes the cricket out of her hair and pets it while she fug cries.

So what do you guys think? Has the number 8 ever been more boring? Does Groedner have a boner for Catholic Dan? Has Renny been lobotomized? Spill it.