Welcome back to another season of Big Brother! Schoonie, Flipit, and Copyhacker here. We are starting off with our group recap, and then will return to regular format for the rest of the season! Grodner has filled the house with some very impressive ignoramii, so let’s get started!
Why is Chastity Bono sobbing? Find out after the jump!
Flipit: Schoonie? Late ass. He’s gonna miss the bot! Here she comes!
Copyhacker: It’s Flamenco Funeral Chenbot!
Flipit: Those plastic diamonds up the side can’t be good for the baby. I don’t know why. Everything is bad for babies. Pregnant ladies can’t eat salmon, did you know that?
Flipit: So plastic diamonds are dangerous. Just roll with it, new guy.
Ole and Amen
Flipit: Ikea made a big sale this summer with this show. And… people have to sleep in the bathroom? I’ve woken up there, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone to sleep there. Kind of a brilliant idea, though.
Copyhacker: Sure, why not skip the middleman?
[Announcer Guy reminds us that, like always, there's... a TWIST!]
Flipit: I forgot how hot the announcer sounds. I want to buy soap from him. And sex.
Copyhacker: This is the same announcer? He sounds different. And I always wondered… is that his eye too?
Flipit: The CBS eye? No that’s God’s eye. He’s into The Mentalist. Always watching.
A full body Turtle Waxing is the way to start the season off, bot!
[Clips of HGs getting their keys.]
Copyhacker: These application videos always make me feel dirty.
Flipit: Really? They make me feel very smart and well spoken.
Copyhacker: The nerd is playing Wii. Only nerds play Wii, just in case you were wondering.
Flipit: They’re probably playing tennis. They look very active. They’ll be buying that Wii Fit any day now.
Copyhacker: Don’t be fooled by the Rock Band gear, check those giant remotes on the coffee table for serious nerd factor.
Flipit: Poor little guy screams like a woman.
Seriously. Simmer down. You’re embarrassing your wife.
Flipit: He’s just so shocked! That’s why he’s got on a full face of makeup and a camera crew in his house. I think that’s what Chastity Bono’s gonna look like when she’s all finished transitioning.
Jeff from Chicaagoo
Flipit: I think this is the first time I’ve ever wished I was made out of pig skin.
Copyhacker: Chicago: Where real men chug footballs and throw beer.
And back to Ronnie. Seriously. Someone make him stop.
Jordan: “No one kin resist my Southern Charm!”
Flipit: I can. I wanna drop that bowling ball on your foot and spray Aqua Net in your eyes.
Copyhacker: Southern belle? Don’t think so. Her hair isn’t nearly big enough.
Flipit: My first wish for the season: please let Natalie punch Jordan. Thank you.
Flipit: A SCIENTIST?!? ON BB? The world will be ending any second.
Schoonie: I love that Michele is just kind of hanging out in her lab coat. Like, fiddle dee dee, just doing science-y things. Oh look, a key!
Flipit and Copyhacker: Schoonie!
Schoonie: Whatup, fools. Is everyone excited for what Flipit so hilariously called “The White Trash Olympics” on Facebook earlier today?
Flipit: Chima? I wonder if she gets disappointed that there are never those novelty keychains with her name on them. That can be traumatic for kids.
Schoonie: Sounds like the Cracker Barrel in El Paso, Texas always ran out of ‘Ronnie’ tags before someone’s family could come for breakfast after church.
Flipit: That was just rude. I should have never told you my real name.
You finally have one! YAAYYY!
Copyhacker: Is it too early to make Diana Ross jokes?
Flipit: She’s not dead!
Copyhacker: Oh right. That was Jeff Goldblum. Never mind.
Schoonie: And George Clooney.
Flipit: Diana Ross is still spreading her special crazy all over the world, thank you.
She has glasses! And a computer! She’s totally smart you guys!
Flipit: Gee. You think Kevin’s gay?
Copyhacker: Oscar from The Office would totally beat the snot out of this kid.
Flipit: A hemorrhoid pad would be more office appropriate, you bottom.
Braden: “Surfing’s better than sex. Mother Nature doesn’t talk back, ya know?”
Flipit: EW!! Brazen misogyny in his first line. I hope Mother Nature sicks a tsunami on his stupid ass.
Copyhacker: It’s the return of Jefferson D’Arcy! All these people are beginning to look like random sitcom supporting characters.
Schoonie: Wait, was that the most detailed Married With Children reference ever, or what? I am blown away.
Laura: “This bitch? Is gonna get exactly what she wants.”
Flipit: She bought her boobs, her teeth and her hair. All in the wrong size.
Flipit: Tats and a peacock feather? I smell an artist, you guys!
Copyhacker: Reality show crossover time. Brigitte Nielsen meets Miami Ink.
Flipit: “The tattooed lady is coming, America!” That’s how you introduce yourself? I think she might be relying on tats as a sub for personality. Common mistake.
Copyhacker: “How can I be boring when I’m so colorful?”
Schoonie: “Who needs to be interesting or enjoyable to be around when you can look like a freeway overpass instead?”
Casey: “I eat pressure for dinner!”
Flipit: Why eat pressure when you can get a large pizza from Little Caesars for five bux?
Copyhacker: Or, for $19.95, this fugly blue polo that isn’t available in stores! For good reason!
Flipit: I get the feeling this guy’s gonna try selling me a set of steak knives that can cut through Coke cans.
[Casey may be a teacher by day...but]
He’s a DJ by night!
Flipit: One time my dad tried to do the Roger Rabbit at a wedding. I’m just as mortified for this guy right now.
[He's gonna miss his son's birthday to be on the show.]
Flipit: Miss all of em! It makes ‘em strong.
Schoonie: Oh yeah? My dad IS Roger Rabbit. Beat that.
Copyhacker: That means… your mom is Jessica Rabbit? I can’t decide whether to feel pity or jealousy.
Meanwhile, Ronnie is still screaming like a little girl getting her lollipop stolen.
Copyhacker: See honey, this is how we’ll do the phone sex thing when I win my one phone call.
[There's only an hour to pack, but all Ronnie needs is...]
Flipit: Don’t forget condoms. I’m sure you’re gonna be gettin plenty of ass.
Copyhacker: I want to brush those starter bangs off his forehead. Or break his glasses. Haven’t decided yet.
[Mike from Chicaagoo tells us he's not "into" readin' or rithmatic. ]
You don’t say.
Schoonie: Hey, a Big Brother contestant doesn’t read! That’s….
Flipit: Can’t think of anything.
Copyhacker: …why they don’t allow books in the house.
[Braden packs an "inspirational" stuffed blue elephant.]
Bitch don’t talk back, ya hear me?
Michele tells us she’s never been popular so going on Big Brother is “my turn!”
“I mean, no one else will have bosoms like these, right?”
Flipit: She’ll be the first one pushed into a locker.
[Kevin tells us he's black and Asian. Or a Blackanese Blasian.]
Flipit: OK second. Kevin will be first.
Copyhacker: Please say there’s a limit on how many scarves they’re allowed to pack.
Copyhacker: BLASIAN. I have no words, so I guess a made-up word will do.
Flipit: Another useful blended word: fucktard.
[He hopes for a "little ghetto fabulous...some black chick...a little hood!" Cut to Chima.]
Just cuz I’m black and have a mouth doesn’t mean I’m ghetto? Got it? Don’t make me ghetto on your ass.
Flipit: She will be the first one with her boot up Kevin’s cornhole.
[Mike from Chicaagoo is single and looking for a showmance. Cut to Jordan, with a sweet Southern tale about her Grampa always telling her "don't get any boogar!" Which means sex.]
Flipit: OK her grampa sounds like a total creep. And if he has to “always” tell her that, she’s probably gonna be the one to wipe her boogars all over the class.
Copyhacker: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your boogars, but…
Flipit: You can’t fuck your boogar friends.
“9 out of 10 girls hate me cuz of how I look.”
Flipit: Yeah. That’s called a consensus.
Copyhacker: Warning, contents under extreme pressure. That bikini top had better be made of Kevlar.
Schoonie: Laura’s boobs are alarming. And I love boobs.
[Kevin is asked about his thoughts on big gay boobs. This is his answer.]
Why does Allison Grodner hate gay people? Discuss.
Copyhacker: “I just vomited in my mouth.” Right there with ya, Kev.
Flipit: Finally. Some real intellect.
Flipit: Works for me.
Copyhacker: If you’re going to wax your whole body, why not get your head while you’re at it?
Schoonie: He called himself “Russell the Love Muscle”, which means I HATE him.
Copyhacker: Vin Diesel called, he…oh never mind. It’s not worth it.
Flipit: You’re right! It’s Riddick!
Schoonie: Isn’t he supposed to be filming 4 Fast 5 Furious or something?
Flipit: Actually, Big Brother would be kind of a step up for him. Time to do some work with some real ART behind it, Vin!
Schoonie: Excuse me, have you SEEN The Pacifier?
[Laura tells us she's not into white dudes who rap. Too bad! Cuz Casey "started out" as a dancer in a rap group!]
Flipit: And he ended up a middle school teacher. I can’t imagine what went wrong there.
[The contestants pack up and say bye to their families.]
We’ll miss you, Chaz!
[Julie assembles the HGs]
Schoonie: Julie Chen has a flamenco maternity dress on.
Copyhacker: Dude, I already said Flamenco Funeral Chenbot. Get here on time already.
Schoonie: Look at the mouth on the new guy!
Flipit: I am offended by the gay guy. Seriously.
Copyhacker: Z0MG that pink scarf… my eyes!
Flipit: What gay guy wears horizontal stripes? He’s shaming the whole community.
Copyhacker: My bad, the shirt is pink, the scarf is purple. Even worse.
Perez, Bravo’s The Fashion Show, and now Kevin. The gay community’s reputation dies in threes.
Schoonie: Did he just shove the chick with the boobs out of the way?
Flipit: She better get used to it.
Copyhacker: Jenius 2.0.
Flipit: I wish! Jenius’ anger binge was my favorite BB moment.
Copyhacker: This chick would make that unitard beg for mercy.
[Laura, Russell, Kevin, Ronnie enter the house first and run all over the place squealing and giggling. Kevin thinks he will get along with Ronnie cuz "I speak Geekanese".]
Copyhacker: Hey, I speak Geekanese! Let’s have an alliance!
Flipit: If Ronnie speaks Gaynish you guys are gonna be total besties.
[Chima, Braden, Natalie and Casey are the next to enter the house.]
Flipit: Braden is grodie. He looks like a chimpmunk porn star from the eighties.
Copyhacker: That is so not a surfer shirt he’s wearing.
Schoonie: The house is super delushious? Braden is making up words.
Flipit: Did you guys see his weiner on the internet?
Schoonie: I don’t get the Daily Weiner newsletter anymore.
Flipit: Yeah, sorry for subscribing you to that. I just wanted us to share more interests.
Flipit: Gaysian Blackanese superdelushiousepowowlicious. Is it too soon to start hating these people?
[Casey and Braden shake hands, and Casey tells us Braden's "surfer dude-y. Like that Spicoli guy."]
Flipit: A Fast Times at Ridgemont High reference. Way to blend with the youth, DJ Jazzy Jehosaphat.
[Jordan, Jeff, Michele, Lydia enter the house. Lydia and Jordan offer to "double up"]
Copyhacker: All the dorks in the house say yes, please!
Flipit: Fake lesbianism for camera time. Gloria Steinem is proud right now. The scientist chick has a crush on Jeff from Chicaagoo. He’s gonna pretend he likes her so she’ll do his homework and then dump her. This show is gonna be painful to the human spirit.
Schoonie: Isn’t this show ALWAYS painful to the human spirit?
Time for some three for five dollar bottles of champers from Costco! Grodner! You shouldn’t have!
[Intros all around. Kevin starts. Very gayly.]
Schoonie: Kevin is NOT 29.
Flipit: Only Kim Cattrall can say she’s 29 forever, Mary. Back off!
Copyhacker: He’s a graphic designer and he’s wearing purple and pink together, with horizontal stripes? I call BS.
Flipit: I am totally homophobic right now.
[Ronnie intros himself as a gamer.]
Flipit: Bad intro. Start with something that doesn’t make you look even more like a thirteen year old who jerks off to Princess Leia posters in your mom’s basement. Riddick hates him already. LOL.
“He’s not someone I would go kick it and have a beer with.”
Flipit: He doesn’t go out and drink beer anyway. He’s got a Wii. Take that, you heathen!
[Casey is already aggravated with Chima's horsey laugh as she intros herself.]
Schoonie: Casey looks like Mike Boogie. It’s distracting.
Copyhacker: Casey, the Boogie hat does not guarantee a win, dude.
Schoonie and Copyhacker: JINX!
Flipit: Chima looks like her face got into a wreck and the airbags popped out.
Flipit: I’m just saying. That happened to me once. In a car, though.
[Michele intros herself and offers her lab services]
Flipit: Laura will be the first one to take Michele up on the lab service offer. She will want Natalie’s youth and beauty sucked out and injected into her forehead.
[Natalie announces that she is only eighteen! Only trouble is, she's lying! She's twenty-four but doesn't want anyone to know she's old, wise, plays poker, and has a bronze medal in tae kwon do.]
Schoonie: She’s telling them she’s 18. Nice strategy.
Copyhacker: TAY kwon do? Isn’t it pronounced TIE kwon do? Is that part of her young-and-ditzy act?
Schoonie: I have a feeling she might know how to pronounce the thing at which she has won a medal.
Flipit: You don’t have to talk right to win a medal. Wait. She won a bronze? Like in the Olympics? Why don’t I buy that? Her teacher probably just gave her one of those gold foil covered chocolates and she took it all seriously.
[Kevin isn't buying her story, either, and thinks she looks twenty-five.]
Schoonie: Someone needs to call HIM on the age thing. I do love that he is calling everyone else out, though.
Flipit: Takes one to know one! Yay high school!
[Then Kevin points out Laura's giant boobs and disgustedly calls them "volumptuous."]
Flipit: Volumptuous isn’t even combined words. It’s just wrong. I really hate this guy.
Copyhacker: Wasn’t that Howie’s word for Janelle? BB7 will always have a special place in my heart.
Schoonie: Not me. That will forever be known as “The Season When Janelle Became Terrible”
Copyhacker: Oh yeah, right. I meant BB6. Easy mistake.
[Braden intros himself. "Braden...you know, like your hair?"]
Flipit: If Chima doesn’t have to explain her name, he shouldn’t have to.
Flipit: This is gonna be a fun season. The people are slightly more retarded than usual!
Copyhacker: Seriously guys, I am like so honored to be here and stuff.
Schoonie: Once you’ve been doing it for six weeks and hate EVERYONE, you won’t be so honored.
Flipit: Seriously you will totally hate us after half the season is over.
Schoonie: I meant the cast, but you’ll probably dislike us too.
Schoonie: Oh, look! A sitcom starring Jenna Elfman. How avant-garde, CBS!
Flipit: How is Jenna Elfman still on TV? L. Ron Hubbard needs to fly down from space and take this bitch back to her home plantet.
Copyhacker: Retro is so yesterday.
Schoonie: Scientology jokes are so yesterday.
Flipit: Not when you live by The Celebrity Center in present time, dick. Why are you trying to make me hit you?
Copyhacker: Have we heard a “but first” yet?
Flipit: I don’t think so. I hope when we come back from commercial sometimes we’ll catch Chenbot barfing or going into hormonal rages or some shit.
Schoonie: Pregnant Asian. Praysian!
Flipit: LOL. That’s superdelushious.
[Julie tries to clue the HGs in on the "twist" by dropping high school clique references]
Copyhacker: High school is too mature for these guys.
Schoonie: EVERYONE in high school was either an athlete, popular, a brain, or an off-beat. GET IN YOUR BOXES, AMERICA!
Flipit: “Off beats”? Is that what they’re calling the gays these days? I’m still hearing faggot in my hood. Get with the current bigoted slurs, Little Armenia!
Copyhacker: Chenbot needs a subtlety upgrade. She’s not so good at the hints.
Schoonie: You can tell who is going to be a brain because they have glasses. Dorks have glasses!
Flipit: The poor old guy keeps getting closeups every time Julie says the word “old.” The only ones who look happy with this whole clique thing are the nerds.
Copyhacker: Yeah, they aren’t outnumbered for once.
Flipit: I hope the Southern belle gets thrown in with the cholas.
Schoonie: Wait, there is a chola group?
Flipit: No. But there should be. What high school didn’t have cholas?
Schoonie: I went to high school in Kentucky. There were only rich white people pretending to be cholas there.
Copyhacker: Wait, which one is the Southern belle again? Atlanta boobs or Charlotte blonde? DUELING SOUTHERN BELLES!
Flipit: The one who promised grandpa not to wipe boogars on people.
Copyhacker: Only one stereotype apiece please! My TV only has 2 dimensions.
Schoonie: EVERYONE HAS ONE PERSONALITY TRAIT ONLY!
Flipit: I love that no one can figure out what clique they’re in. Poor lab lady has her fingers crossed for Populars. She’s gonna cry her face off by week 2.
[Lydia compares herself and Kevin to Molly Ringwald and Jon Cryer]
Copyhacker: Kevin < Ducky.
Schoonie: Nice Sixteen Candles reference!
Copyhacker: That’s Pretty In Pink. Yes, I know my John Hughes. No, I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Flipit: Claire is a fat girl’s name.
Copyhacker: That’s Breakfast Club.
Flipit: I don’t like this game.
Flipit: Braden’s like “I’m a brain, k?” I want to hear him debate.
Schoonie: The brainy people are going to get hit first. If they don’t win.
Flipit: I think boobs will be out first.
Copyhacker: Oh, they’ll be out, all right. I give it 2 episodes before we see our first peanut butter bikini.
Schoonie: This whole twist is roughly a million kinds of wrong, you guys.
Flipit: It totally is. And it’s gonna be awesome.
[Chenbot intros 4 mystery HG candidates]
Schoonie: Is that JESSIE? That better not be Jessie. I will kill my television.
Flipit: I’m hoping the mystery HG will be Patti LuPone. Or the mom from Arrested Development.
Schoonie: Lucille Bluth makes every show better. But: that’s Jessie. I effing know it is. oh my god oh my god oh my god. This is worse than James coming back to Survivor.
Flipit: Don’t jinx it, Schoonie!
Schoonie: This is worse than RUPERT.
Copyhacker: The short guy…. could it be… CAPPY?? I just scared myself there.
Flipit: I hope it is Jessie, cuz I wanna see his stupid ass cry again when he gets the boot.
Schoonie: You guys, I don’t want this to continue.
Flipit: Keep your fingers crossed for Bernadette Peters!
Schoonie: Those shapes are all ghosts of dead celebrities. That’s the twist this season!
Flipit: Bernadette Peters is alive! How rude!
Schoonie: One of those was totally Billy Mays!
Flipit: I hope so. I can ask him for some free Oxi Clean. That shit’s amazing.
Schoonie: This whole month of celeb funerals has been a scam. They’ve all been getting kidnapped by Alison Grodner!
Flipit: She’s like “Hey, wanna go to the Stinking Rose and binge with me? Psyche! You’re on Big Brother!”
Copyhacker: I want Ed McMahon! Poor Ed, everyone forgot about him 2 days after he died.
Flipit: You think Ed got the shaft? What about Farrah? She dies and then MJ steals the spotlight. She’s probably putting Visine drops in his water up in heaven right now.
Schoonie: Ed McMahon was a well-known athlete, so we know what clique he would be in. Too soon?
Flipit: The hot old dudes clique?
Schoonie: If there is a possibility that I have to watch Jessie again all summer, I do not want to live in the world.
Flipit: Come on!! He might have a chance to finally find love with a manly looking chick with an annoying accent!
Schoonie: seriously… Jessie. this is happening. HATE HATE HATE.
Flipit: NO!!! NOT JESSIE!! Final guess is Bea Arthur!
[HOH Competition time! The HGs find out their cliques and are given labeled shirts.]
Nice to meet you in Athlete.
Schoonie: I love that they are being actually, seriously labeled. Like, they have stereotypes on their SHIRTS. Even for Big Brother, this is… a lot.
Flipit: The boogar wiper knows enough to know that she’s not in the Smart clique, which is smart. So confusing.
Copyhacker: It’s so self-referential and stuff, you guys! UPDATE: We at Big Brother now have the capacity to laugh at ourselves. That is all.
Gay guy, tattoo chick, and DJ Jazzy Jehosaphat. I fail to see a common thread. Wait…they’re OFFBEAT!
Copyhacker: They don’t fit into a box, so we made one up for them.
Flipit: I’m telling you, they should have gone with cholas.
Flipit: The costume department? Hates Chaz Bono.
Schoonie: I hope the challenges aren’t all physical. Nice sleeveless shirt, dork!
[Chima assures us that she was smart in school, but not a dork. Then she cackles. Like a dork. Julie explains the Head of Household competition. HOH is safe from elimination that week and gets their own fancy room and blah blah blah. But their clique is also safe! Nice.
Julie tells them to put on the giant underwear and hang from the toilet seat with their name it. One who hangs the longest wins! This will take place in the locker room section of the back yard, cuz that's where the "most embarrassing stuff" happened in high school.]
Flipit: The most embarrassing things in high school so did not happen in the locker room. They happened under the bleachers.
Schoonie: OMG they’re all getting wedgies to start!
Flipit: And in the cafeteria.
Schoonie: Now they all look like giant babies!
Flipit: And the confessional.
Copyhacker: Speaking of confessionals, Flippy?
Flipit: Sorry. High school was pretty embarrassing all around.
[Julie explains that they are only playing for their team. The individual winner will not get immunity.]
Schoonie: Whoever gets into the house is gonna be HoH. Nice.
Copyhacker: Huh huh. She said “sit tight”.
Copyhacker: HOH looked like HUH for a sec. Which is totally how I feel about this season right about now.
Schoonie: Winner is HOH? Now it DEFINITELY better not be Jessie.
Flipit: Giving him HOH right off the bat is the only way he wouldn’t get kicked off in two seconds.
Schoonie: OMG, you guys, I want out.
Flipit: TOO LATE BITCH!
Schoonie: Flipit, my resignation letter is in the mail.
Flipit: I don’t accept!
Schoonie: Please make sure “TOO LATE BITCH” makes it to the recap.
Flipit: Don’t make me have to assign you the Kardashians spinoff. I’ll do it! Poor Cherie is gonna take offense at that one.
Schoonie: Kim Kardashian > Jessie
Flipit: Kim Kardashian will be the future Renny.
Schoonie: I miss Renny.
Copyhacker: What’d I miss? Stupid new TiVO, I was like 20 seconds behind.
Copyhacker: Wait, no, I didn’t mean it, I love you, new TiVO. Even if you and the CableCard ran away with half my channels. I’ll take you both back.
Schoonie: WHAT IF RENNY IS BEHIND THE SCREEN?
Flipit: I LOVE RENNY! Dowall!
Schoonie: That would be AWESOME!
Schoonie: What if KEESHA is behind the screen?
Schoonie: That would make my season!
Flipit: If Renny is behind the screen, I will not be mean for the whole season. I promise, God!
Schoonie: I want Keesha!
Flipit: I’d be interested to see how many teeth she still has.
Schoonie: The screencap of her and her blurred out mouth and middle finger WILL be making a return this season, people. WHO WANTS CAKE?
Schoonie: Greatest. Episode. EVER. I was lucky enough to recap that one.
[And we're back from commercial.]
Flipit: I wish Julie was gnawing on a cornish game hen right now with her bare hands.
[The mystery HG candidates are revealed...]
Flipit: WHAT?!?! That’s not Bernadette Peters!
Schoonie: Seriously. COWBOY?
Copyhacker: THAT’S Bernadette Peters, give or take 40 years.
Schoonie: Jessica! I miss you! I hope she and Eric are still together. She looks…old.
Flipit: LOL. that’s what BB does to you. Seen Janelle lately? You will. Her ass will be guesting and in the audience every other week.
Schoonie: ARE YOU AND ERIC STILL TOGETHER?
Flipit: She can’t hear you.
Copyhacker: Brian who?
Schoonie: You douche, you were out first!
Schoonie: I love that having “Brains” on Big Brother means “Got out in Week One While He Still Could.”
Flipit: Brian deserves to get back on and kicked off again immediately.
Schoonie: And the last one is… fucking Jessie. Watch. Here it is…
Flipit: You’re totally Secret-ing him onto this show. You know that, right?
Flipit: See! The Secret! Oprah knows her shit, yo!
Schoonie: FUCK. THAT.
Flipit: YOU CALLED IT!!
Copyhacker: Anyone but Jessie. Unless he has to wear the gorilla suit. Then he will be awesome.
Flipit: OMG PLEASE. YAY JESSIE!!
Flipit: He’s so sly and intelligent.
Schoonie: Do you remember how terrible he was?
Flipit: No. I just remember that his butt is smooth as a glass of milk.
Schoonie: Seriously, Flip, you are shallow.
Flipit: People who swim in the shallow end drown less. NOW TAKE SOMETHING OFF, YOU SLAB OF BEEF!
Copyhacker: I bet Jessie binged on some serious roids over the last week.
Schoonie: If the Offbeats win and Cowboy walks in, NO ONE is going to have any idea who the hell he is. That’s actually gonna be pretty funny.
Flipit: Poor Cowboy. Every time I go home to El Paso, it smells like cow poop. That’s all I can think of when I look at him. Home. My mom telling me I’m fat and my dad telling me some poeple are just late bloomers and maybe I’ll find success in my forties. Or fifties.
Schoonie: Is it really better to have four people competing for you when one of them is Cowboy? That’s like when your mom makes your little brother play with you as a kid.
Copyhacker: I dunno, Cowboy and Casey would make a great team.
Flipit: Lots of hats.
Copyhacker: Hanging the longest. Don’t the women kind of have an advantage in this game? Anatomically speaking?
Flipit: No, tightest asses have an advantage. Poor gay guy.
[As they hang, they get giant wedgies. Riddick feels the need to explain what a wedgie is.]
Flipit: How is he not in the brains clique?
[Ronnie explains how the wedgie may be detrimental to his baby making skillz]
Flipit: That entire look is detrimental to any kind of baby making process.
Schoonie: First time the word “detrimental” has ever been used on BB.
Flipit: “Very potentially detrimental.” Come on, nerd. Represent. Ollie sounded smarter saying “dedrimeninal”.
Copyhacker: Someone said Chima is 25% hair? Sounds about right.
Flipit: And 70% lips.
Copyhacker: So that leaves 5% for… what?
Flipit: Duh. Brains. That’s a huge percentage on this show.
[Russell says his muscles are a liability]
Schoonie: Hey, first excuse by the huge muscle-y guy who’s supposed to be good at stuff!
Schoonie: Looks like the house already has a Jessie.
Flipit: Kevin’s like “slings! YAY!”
[Chima is afraid she's about to fall]
Flipit: Fall on your smile. You’ll bounce right back up.
[Julie introduces the Super Wedgie to the 4 reruns outside]
Schoonie: Super Wedgie?
Flipit: Seriously, Jessie looks like a buffet right now.
Schoonie: You have no one to back you up this season, Flip.
Flipit: Gaywize? It’s ok. I am ok with being the only off beat. I don’t need no stinkin backup! MISS YOU FOZZIEBARE!
Copyhacker: Jessica’s hair is all messy. Was Eric giving her eyebrow back in the green room?
Flipit: It’s funny seeing Brian hold the popular plaque after getting kicked off for being a douche.
Copyhacker: Someone tell Brian that the fauxhawk went out before he did.
Flipit: Don’t tell Bravo that. They still use it on every show.
Schoonie: Wow, I could have lived without seeing the 40 year old DJ pull at his taint.
Flipit: That wasn’t pretty.
[Chima falls, putting Brian out of the running for the return slot.]
Copyhacker: OUCH. That looked painful.
Flipit: Chima did something I liked and got rid of Brian. I feel bad for calling her airbag face. Kinda.
Schoonie: Looks like no Brian for us this year. I’m… not sad at all.
[When we get to commercial break, Cowboy is also out, leaving just Jessie and Jessica vying for the HOH slot.]
Flipit: Go Jessie! I want to see him wrestle Riddick!
Copyhacker: Jessica, please Jessica.
Flipit: I think we might have to add to this later. It’s one long Jessie boner.
Schoonie: And whose fault is that?
Flipit: My boner’s.
Copyhacker: Do I want someone I can root for or laugh at? I’m so conflicted.
Flipit: Laugh at!! Why are you rooting for Jessica? Her scrabble ability?
Schoonie: Um, because Jessica was awesome? Yes, I was indeed in love with her, but also, she was rad. And when the alternative is Jessie…
Copyhacker: If she can love America’s Eyebrows, there’s hope for all the offbeats out there.
Flipit: Yeah she was rad. I have to agree with that. but Jessie’s douchedom was just amazing to watch. No one I root for ever wins anyway so don’t worry.
Schoonie: Yes, but I just finished writing about COACH for four months.
Flipit: HAH TRUE!!
Schoonie: That would send a normal man screaming from the room.
Flipit: Thankfully you’re far from normal. Jessica will probably stay and end up boning Ronnie all summer.
Schoonie: Oh, it’ll be Jessie, because the world hates me.
Copyhacker: OK, I give up. You’re right. Go Jessie. But I still demand the gorilla suit.
Flipit: YAY! AND SCHOON THOUGHT I’D HAVE NO BACKUP!
Flipit: Samuel Jackson looks like he ate William Petersen.
Schoonie: You mean Laurence Fishburne? RACIST!
Flipit: That wasn’t racist, it was fattist.
[Back from break. HG's hang and complain a lot.]
Schoonie: They’re not going after the offbeats, they’re going after the brains!
Copyhacker: Natalie is all over this.
Flipit: Jessica is so cute. She’s proud of the girls. And Laura’s out! Don’t you wish you could take saline sacks off sometimes and just slip them back in later?
Schoonie: “My crotch hurts so bad” is not something people on Big Brother usually say until at least week 3 or 4.
Copyhacker: 2 minutes later, and Laura is still bouncing.
[Braden is the only one left from Popular, and he is battling against the Athletes.]
“Two of you is half of me.”
Flipit: America is trying to compute that right now.
[Bye Braden. Jessie wins]
Schoonie: AND SHIT. Well, this season went from zero to ruined in record time.
Flipit: I can’t believe the athletes won an endurance challenge! That’s carazy!
Copyhacker: Eww, awkward handshake hug between the Jesses.
Schoonie: It’s probably like hugging a giant sausage casing. Seriously, how can anyone find that attractive?
Flipit: Oh, now I am sad that I didn’t root for Jessica. My positive energy could have helped. The best part of Jessie was Michelle’s obsession with him! Can they bring her back too?
Copyhacker: I would get so confused with two Michelles. And what clique would they put her in?
Schoonie: Cholas. Duh.
[Jessie is let into the house, and the other HGs scream.]
Flipit: Sounds like a slaughterhouse in there. Schoonie’s apartment totally sounds like that right now.
Schoonie: And Julie’s like “how WILL the houseguests respond?” when we…just heard them respond. Does being pregnant give you Memento Memory or something?
Copyhacker: But first, let’s hear their response! Sorry, got tired of waiting for a But First.
Flipit: HAHAH she’s on the ball, that one.
Copyhacker: AHHH NEVER SHOW HIM OR RONNIE DANCING AGAIN!
Schoonie: Okay, I’m actually kind of excited, you guys!
Flipit: ME TOO!!! is it OVER?!?!?
Schoonie: This show is so terrible that it’s awesome.
Flipit: This is gonna be a great summer. I’m still mad about Bernadette Peters, though. Not gonna lie.