Big Brother: Swallow My Banana

Tonight on Big Brother, white people and black people alike bow their heads in shame. I’ll give you a hint.

Also, Russell threatens to pull a Chia. Promises promises.

Anger is ruining your nostrils. Think happy thoughts.

We open today with Kevin and Natalie on the block. Russell celebrates by playing with his love muscle.

I’ll second that emotion.

Jeff jokingly tells Russell that he was hoping to hear a “thank you, Jeff”, but Russell and his love muscle are occupied so the thank you never comes. Natalie doesn’t throw a fit or pout or fake cry about her nom, cuz she’s getting used to it. She reminds us that she’s the record holder for most noms in the house with four. See? You can win something!

Russell goes into the shallow end room and asks Jordan why she’s acting so weird. She tries to convince him that he’s paranoid as she backs slowly out of the room pulling her ear and shifting her eyes back and forth. Russell takes the silent time to…pray? LOL. Santa Maria will stop working on Afghani orphan children missing limbs and get right to ya, Russ.

Hail Mary full of….line!

Russell is shocked that he wasn’t put up and knows that he’s most likely going out the back door if Jeff gets the chance. He takes Jeff out on the patio for private time and promises Jeff that he isn’t ever going to put him up and Jeff, who has never committed to anything, gives him that whole “I appreciate that” routine. Poor Russell. It’s like telling a guy you love him just to hear “thank you” in return. Not that that’s ever happened to me. WAAAAHHHHH. At least he’s got love muscle. Jeff doesn’t trust Russell because he voted for Jessie to stay two seconds after Jeff saved his ass. Russell reminisces about how they were the first two guys to fight in the house and now they’re besties. Way to conjure up the sweet times, lunkhead. Jeff stares off into space awkwardly. Russell looks like he was just left alone at a table at Olive Garden. Not that that’s ever happened to me. WHY GOD?!

In the kitchen, Kevin tries to talk Jordan into his final four plan while Natalie eats like a snake swallowing a small child. It looks like she shoved an entire head of lettuce into her cheeks. Slow down, girl! There doesn’t seem to be a napkin big enough to clean Natalie’s mouth.

Hose her down.

Later, Jordan tries to remember everything Kevin and Natalie said, but starts wondering aloud how My Little Ponies got colored hair instead. They see Michelle staring at the wall of HG shots and Jordan thinks that she’s probably staring at her. LOL. Jeff says that she’s most likely studying for the comp tomorrow. Jordan thinks that’s a great idea and they spend the rest of the night working out their brains. Kidding! They lay around while Jeff tries to figure out what order cards go in.

Damn this Ase!

Jeff tells Jordan that maybe she should count stuff, but she’s busy massaging the ziplocks full of saline under her chest skin and doesn’t want to. He starts raising his voice about her not ever listening to what he says and if they’re gonna be partners he wants her to study “and ecksetra”. She isn’t sure where his dickishness is coming from, but I have a feeling it’s cuz he’s hungry for her boogars. She gets all pissy and says that he’s insinutating that she can’t win by herself and he doesn’t have to pull her behind him. She’s gonna play by herself! He’s gonna play by himself! You’re a poo! You’re a pee! WAAAHHHH. Whatever they’re so not breaking up so stop wasting my time. She goes back to massaging her square implants and he goes back to figuring out if the Ace is first or last.

Later, Russ goes up to the HOH suite and rings the bell, but Jeff is sleeping with headphones on and doesn’t hear. Uh-oh. Russell the paranoiac will probably take this to mean that Jeff has a secret evil plan against him and go off and verbally abuse some woman to get his aggression out. He chats with Michelle on the patio about how things have changed and something’s obviously up. She tells him to chill cuz at this point there’s nothing they can do. Well do something cuz I’m bored.

Next up, the season’s obligatory “How Did You Know You Were Gay” questions for Kevin. OY. He says that he knew when he was blowing a dude in the truck stop and suddenly thought to himself “I don’t even need to get paid for this.” Jordan says she would want her gay son or daughter to know that she would accept them for who they are. If you have those gay kids with Jeff, you might wanna try to convince him to stop using the word “fag” in casual conversation. Kevin was worried that his sexuality would be a problem in the house cuz it is in his normal life. I suspect his sexuality is less of a problem than his pink scarves and girl sweaters and the faces that he makes.

Hit him!

Russell wants to know if he acted “all butchy” before he came out, and Kevin’s like “how butchy could I get?” HAHAHAH. No need to justify your roadmap to homosexuality, Russ. We all get there in our own way. Kevin wishes that everyone in the whole world could be like the HGs. They are. That’s why we’re all fucked. The Mayans foresaw all this, they just didn’t account for all the saline cuz they didn’t know what it was back then.

Later, Michelle goes up to the HOH suite and asks flat out who Jeff wants to go home. Jeff, stupidly, says that he has to wait to see what happens at the POV and then immediately asks what Russell’s been up to. Why in the world would you tell the girl you suspect has a secret alliance with Russell that? But he has those lines going down the bottom of his stomach so I can’t get annoyed with him. Michelle says Russell has been laying low and saying absolutely nothing, and Jeff yawns and assures her that they will get Kevin out this week. When she leaves, she is pretty sure her alliance with the dumb blondes is bs. Michelle is a lot of things (cloying annoying insecure, etc), but she’s not dumb. The second the door closes, Jeff snaps that he can’t even talk to her and she’s being sneaky. Jeff is in a really shitty mood considering he’s been in power for the past three weeks. Come here. Let’s hug. Yeah. Like that. Mmmmm. You smell like Christmas. Wait. Sorry. What show is this?

Jordan wants to know what Michelle said, cuz she was listening to the iPod the whole time. LOL. Jeff starts shouting that it’s not fair to make him talk and ask all the questions while she sits back and looks all innocent and nice. She doesn’t like a hole Jeff, she likes the strong sweet Jeff who likes to talk about spiders shooting webs out their butt and teaching her how to tell time. Jeff shouts that he’s just a loud talker, and then keeps berating her. Michelle comes in with her nervous giggle and awkwardly hugs Jordan. Jeff gets pissed that no one hugs him and everyone thinks Jordan’s so nice. Man. I can’t believe I just typed all that down. Next I will be recapping the flies that start forming on my dog’s morning poop before I gather the strength to bend down and pick it up.

Michelle says that Jeff is mean sometimes and this is really awkward and she’s gonna leave. Then she giggles and reclines on the bed.

Feel uncomfortable downstairs, k?

Jordan asks Michelle what she thinks about everything, and her burst of effort makes Jeff very happy.

Michelle wants to stick to the plan, and Jordan tells her she better not screw her over for Russell. Jeff wants to know who’s going up next, but Michelle points out that it depends on who wins, and every time she comes up to the HOH she tells Russell “yay we’re not getting nominated!” Remember when I said Michelle wasn’t dumb? Scratch that. Jeff catches that and wants to know why she’s always saying we when it comes to Russell. Michelle confidently shrugs it off. Kidding! She shits the bed.

She assures him that she’s only playing for herself, and Jeff snaps that she’s not safe if she’s on a team with Russell, fo sho. Again, why tell her this? What is he thinking?

Oh yeah.

Jordon goes to hang out with Kevin and Natalie and whisper about getting Russell out. When she leaves, Kevin tells us that she’s falling for it and the plan is to stab her and Jeff in the back. You know he means it, cuz he’s making his “you need two forms of ID, mothafucka” face the lady at the DMV makes.

Time for the veto comp! The backyard is made up to look like a jungle, and Jordan drawls that there are banayanas everywhere and snakes that she thought were reyall! I never know when she’s kidding. Jeff takes one look at the bananas and calls it. It’s the return of DJ Midlife Crisis. He is the voice of the giant ape in the yard, and he’s in full on wigga mode. This guy is an affront to black people, white people, …people. He’s an embarrassment to people. It gets worse. HE RAPS. Because we needed further proof that the NAACP has gotten downright lazy.

Jordan takes a few minutes to realize that otev is veto spelled backwards. The producers just sit Jordan down and tell her “you’re cute, hon. We’re just gonna roll tape. Say as many ridiculous idiotic things as possible and then go put on your bikini, k?” DJ Midlife is going to unite black and white people in opposition rap clues about HGs and they will have to find bananas with names on them and feed them to the monkey. Michelle nods her head to the beat. LOL. In honor of the game, Natalie gives us her best confused monkey face.

Jeff tries to give Jordan a good luck kiss but she pushes him away and curses. “Now it’s time to get Banana’ed!” Kevin whips out a can of Crisco and crosses his fingers.

He was pasty as a marshmallow

With footlong armpit hair,

He cried and hid from Russell,

Farted Sour Patch Kid air.

Nat is the first to get the Ronnie banana and falls on her ass trying to get back up the ramp. And I thought there would be no fun tonight. The last two to find it are Michelle and Jordan. Jordan bickers with Jeff and is the last to get back to the monkey. Those two are like Moonlighting. But with less complete sentences. They all get it right. Jordan’s out. Shocker! She knows her ass is in trouble later.

He’s a douche, he can’t spell, he can’t speak and yet,

His naked ass is bent over on the internet.

Natalie eats it again on her way back up to the ramp, and it’s glorious.

She’s the last one up, which is disappointing cuz I wanted to see her break a hip by the end of the game. She’s out! She tells us she’s pissed cuz she wanted to win and secure her victory. You have to have victory to secure it, hon. That she lost on the Jessie clue makes this all the more fun.

You won Jessie! Oh, wait…sorry.

Her jugs and her teeth are bigger than life,

But it’s her mustache that will keep her from becoming a wife.

Jeff finds the banana first and now just runs straight up the ramp without using the rope. This game is kinda rigged against the women. And Kevin. Just saying. Russell is the last up the ramp! He’s out!! I’m gonna miss your muscle!! Nat assumes this means he’s going up, and she could be right, but I still don’t buy it. Rap time!

He’s old and he’s white and he thinks he’s Jay Z,

Brought back from the dead just to annoy the crap outta me.

Michelle falls on her ass really hard again. She’s gonna need medical attention after this. Kevin makes a fruit joke, which surprises no one, and then loses, which surprises no one further. It’s between Jeff and Michelle.

He was cheesy he was racist and he called a ho a beaner,

If you turn on Logo now you’ll catch a rerun of his wiener.

And you thought soft gay porn would never address the double chin fetish.

Neither can find the Braden banana, cuz Logo comes in an expensive cable package. Jeff starts messing with Michelle and saying he found it over and over. LOL. He finally does find it and is the first up the ramp by a mile. Jeff wins!!!!

Kevin finds Jeff in the pantry and asks to stay. How can he even form a sentence with Jeff standing there half naked like that?

Jeff cockily tells him to hold on to that dream cuz it might happen. Michelle is next to corner him and congratulates him, saying that it doesn’t matter which one of them won cuz they’re on the same team. He keeps talking about himself in the third person. I’m seriously falling into a coma over here. She leaves, and he looks at the camera, says FLIPIT over and over again and starts rubbing peanut butter all over his chest. Finally, this episode is going somewhere.

Russell finds Michelle in the shallow room and tells him he’s gonna lose his shit if he gets put up. She doesn’t think that’s gonna happen, and she doesn’t tell him any of the stuff Jeff said earlier. She’s learned her lesson about trusting Russell with information! Impressive. Russell tells us that if he goes on the block there will be hell to pay. Up in the HOH suite, Jordan tells Jeff that she prayed super hard for God to help her and Jeff “to do good.” Well, He half listened. Jordan wants to get rid of Russell or Michelle, but Jeff, as usual, refuses to commit to anything.

He goes outside to Nat and Kevin, and Nat promises him that he will not be put up if they backdoor Russell, and we already know that’s a lie. So basically, Jeff and Jordan have both other pairs against them. It would probs be in his best interests to keep Nat and Kevin, cuz they’re weak and most likely won’t try to kill him in his sleep. Kevin says that he begs every god he knows to help him. All this fake praying tonight is really pissing off Buddha, who’s now red.

Later, Nat and Kevin talk about how they will be saved and then put up Jeff next week. You’ll have to win something first, and that’s a long ass shot. Russ and Michelle talk outside, and Russell is getting quietly crazier and crazier. He says Nat’s an idiot and he will be worse than Chia if he is put up. That’s called a promise, Love Muscle. Disappoint me and I will show up at that house and I will be worse than Chia.

Later that night, Jeff stares at he deck of cards and Jordan almost leaves to “give him his space”. He asks why she’s so quiet and insists that she’s not getting on his nerves. That’s crazy how well you know her!! LOL Jordan. He may only have known you for a couple of months, but he’s known women his whole life, and you’re not the first one to sulk around when you need attention. Eve wouldn’t have eaten that apple had Adam stopped shouting at her while trying to figure out where the Ace goes.

They turn out the lights and she kisses him goodnight. AWEW! They’re so cute and gross at the same time I wanna hugstab them. Time for nominations!! Jeff says that he’s gonna make the best decision for him and “sometimes ya gotta break hearts”. HAHA. He’s so breaking up with Russell by text. Kevin prepares for the meeting by doing Gloria Swanson shooting Joe face and making spirit fingers.

Nat is first with the please save me speech, and she gives a form letter soliloquy. Kevin tries to act all genuine, but he’s wearing his sunglasses on his head so he doesn’t pull it off. Jeff is gonna use the veto! He takes Kevin off and puts Russ on!! WOW. I worried that he’d chicken out. Sweet! At least there’s someone playing this season, even if it’s a bit haphazardly. Jeff says he couldn’t get past the Jessie vote and he was getting too snuggly with Michelle. See ya! Oh man. This got really good all the sudden. Yay for a solid 60 seconds of good show!

Kevin thanks Jesus, which I’m sure is really appreciated. Michelle giggles nervously at the camera. Russell says Jeff is as dumb as he thought and will be the next to go. After you, mothatrucka!

Spirit Fingers Squared

I know every episode can’t be golden, but wow. SNOOOOZE. Thankfully, I have Gran Torino to watch. GET OFF MY LAAAWN. See you next week!