Big Brother: Swear on My Dad

Previously on Big Brother, Moose laughed at God. To be fair, God laughed at Moose first.

We start where we left off: with Jen crying after being put on the block. She’s not crying the same way she did the other day when she tossed Jacob and Sharon onto the chilly streets of Hollywood. That day all she shed were fake, dry cheeked Jordan Spanx faux tears. Now she’s really crying. What’d you expect, dumbass? You made two of the most incredibly stupid moves I’ve seen in a long time. And that’s saying something after recapping Season 8.

Amanda and Alex defensively explain to us that they did the only fair thing by nominating the love birds and their baggage for eviction. Agreed, so why are you so pissy about it? These two seem just perfect for each other. I present as evidence this pic of them both crossing their arms and making “OMG Becky. Her butt. Is so. BIG” expressions. They will probably get married and buy a house in the burbs and mimic each other for the rest of their lives. Don’t ever let your dog poop on their lawn. You’ll regret it when they come out of the house and stand in front of you with their arms crossed, these looks on their faces.

“OMG. That dog pooped on our laaawn!”

“That. Was so. UNFAIR!”

“Unfair!”

“Un. FAIR.”

“You’re hot.”

“You are! Were you flirting with the mailman? Whore.”

“Let’s do it.”

In the aftermath, Jen and Ryan make the smartest move possible given their situation. They cuddle in a corner kissing and crying tears of love and regret all over each other while everyone shakes their heads around them. Because every single person loves staring at two mostly attractive love bugs slobbering and whispering about God knows what in relationship code. Now your peers will totally like you again. Even though this mess is entirely Jen-made, Ryan apologizes profusely. And that, my friends, is a man you keep. No matter what, you’re always right, baby. AW! Besides, he’s kinda cute in a meaty Little People Big World face kind of a way.

Then Parker gets in his gangsta smooth bandanna, bare shirt and mysterious hoodie ensemble and gives us the ABC’s of why this is all Jen’s fault. All true, but we can’t feel sorry for you, Parker. A. You’re paparazzo, B. You just trumped her move with an even dumber move (by suggesting everyone should know the truth), and C. you’re sportin’ a gangsta smooth bandanna, bare shirt and mysterious hoodie ensemble.

Watch out, Pharoh. a drought’s a comin’.

Jen goes to cry on her bed in the fetal position, allowing Brian time to apologize profusely to his other loudmouth girlfriend, Allison. She isn’t worried, and she shouldn’t be. Jen’s made enough of an ass of herself to pretty much guarantee eviction unless she pulls a win in the veto competition, so there’s no reason for Allison and Ryan to fight. He says that he will fight for himself and his partner and not Jen. “Please believe me! I won’t betray you (unless Jen tells me to).”

Allison follows him out of the room, poking his shoulder and repeating “I believe you. I believe you, Ryan. Really. I believe you. I do. Can I believe you? I do!” This woman needs to put on some makeup and shut her mouth. She’ll never find a man to get her out of her gambling debt screeching and nagging like that. Trust me. I know from experience.

Parker goes to sit and silently watch Jen cry. She poses thoughtfully and croaks “Everyone’s out for themselves’. LOL. No shit, Sherlock. Amanda comes in to perkily ask “Do ya hate me?” Teeheehee. Jen agrees that Ryan has to go and swears to Amanda that if she is saved, she will have Amanda’s back through the rest of the game. She doesn’t, unfortunately, swear to stop looking so surprised that a camera’s on her and shiftily gaze around for cue cards.

Woah! You surprised me! I was gonna tell you…Line!

Amanda and Parker go to a different room and hug. And they keep hugging. And they sag a little in each other’s arms. And they sway. And he scratches her back and growls “Come on, Miss. Give us one smile! One smile! Click. Click” and she coos “I’m sooory” over and over. WTF? When did this happen? I don’t watch the feeds because I can’t keep a secret and don’t want to post spoilers in recaps, but I feel like there’s a lot I’m missing here. This info added to the recent news of and links to the homeless dude’s brief stint in gay homeless internet porn (like Bum Fights, only gayer) is too much for my feeble brain to handle.

Well, the producers aren’t done with me yet. Neil had to leave the house due to a personal emergency. HUH? SPILL. WHYYYY? Now there are only two (or four, if you count Matt and Alex) gay guys in the house! With his partner gone, Joshua is left to choose a new teammate, and his only options are Jacob and Sharon. On one hand, Sharon gives a good scalp massage and hag cuddle. On the other, Jacob’s a hideous ignorant bangs wearing douche. Uh….Sharon. Jacob’s reaction to her return is priceless.

This is where the term “screaming queen” comes from.

Sharon is back in the house and when she’s told about Jen and Ryan being together, she drops the sweet smily grateful for another chance act and brings on that trailer trash roll-y tell you off head I know I will come to love.

Oh no you didn’t!

She spilled the beans about knowing Jacob right away, and she’s pissed that Jen would actually try to use a secret alliance to get ahead in the game. Strategizing on Big Brother is just rude. Besides, why should she be all sweet an forgiving when Jen just voted her out last week? Sharon is seemingly mentally unstable and hot tempered. Love you glad you’re back call me mean it. Love, Flipit.

Amanda comes into the kitchen asking in baby voice who wants to wub her back. One by one, people leave the room until just Alex and Parker are standing. Parker offers, and they leave together. Alex is annoyed by Amanda. Not because she talks like Karen from Will and Grace and always looks like she just woke up with a cold when she goes to the diary room, but because he’s jealous. Or as he puts it, he flaunts her stuff to everyone who’ll pay attention. Attention whoring flaunter? You’re way off, mister!

Amanda takes off her top and lays face down while Parker oils her up and she says “I just want you to like me!” Then his boner pops her in the eye and she starts screaming for her mommy.

My right areola’s dry as a cotton ball. Would you mind?

Matt comes in and leaves uncomfortably, Moose comes in and gawks pervertedly, and then Alex walks in as she’s returning Parker’s favor and gets pissy, telling Amanda he’ll see her in bed after she finishes Parker off. HA. Not realizing Alex basically just called her a whore as he stormed out, Amanda puts more oil on her hands and giggles. Alex tells us that he really likes her and is hurt that she would choose a Hanukkah bush headed papparrazo over him, and I start wondering when the twist that lets them switch partners will come. Please let it happen! That shit’s gonna be awesome.

Ryan and Jen get together and strategize, er, dry hump on the couch. All the pookie wookie love you smooches escalate and before you know it she’s hiding and waiting for him in the private dark poop stall in the bathroom. He takes the pillow off his lap, checks his breath, and adjusts his hardon before meeting her in there. Parker comes in to rub one out after getting massaged by Amanda and gets a little annoyed that he has to wait for the lovebirds to stop grunting, but Ryan assures him he’ll only be fifteen seconds. That Jen is one lucky girl. They come out smiling, but Parker isn’t happy he has to get into bed with Jen’s stank just had sex ass, and I don’t blame him; but lying next to someone with sweat infused, stale massage oil isn’t a picnic either.

Alison and Sheila hang out in another room and pat each other on the shoulders, complimenting each other on their “brilliant plan”. Being lesbian lovers has surely saved Alison from eviction! You guys are so smart. Everyone in the house has already proven that they root for secret couples. Is everyone on this season a fucking moron? It’s like watching people play chess by throwing their pieces at each other and hoping to by chance hit an artery.

Outside, Chelsia approaches James and hands him a quarter to get his undivided attention for the fake news that Sheila and Allison are lesbian lovuhs. No one ever sees this one coming, but once they hear they all say it makes sense. And it does, kinda. People who no one wants to bone usually end up together and bring each other happiness for years.

There’s someone for everyone.

Chelsia and James giggle over the news, and Chesia asks if he can smell that day old dry pee smell. He shrugs. Then she wonders aloud if there are any other twists. He tugs at his skin tie uncomfortably.

All this gets James’ mind turning. There is a rubik’s cube-like thing in the house with four colors, which leads him to somehow guess that there are four secret couples in the house. Uh…..quick thinkin’, there Hobo Hank. James’ mind is abuzz with theories, so he puts on his thinking underoos and skips around the kitchen. Have you ever stepped over a homeless person on your walk home from the bus and wondered if they were just born that way? Me too!

Outside, Jame’s skin shuns the sun as he lies next to Alex. They both try to wrap their minds around the four colored puzzle in the house, and then move on to blaming everything bad in the house on stinkin’ girls. Then they swap gum and pinky shake. Alex considers James’ theory on there being four fake couples and as he looks around the yard, he tells us, he can see evidence that there might be another secret couple around.

Why else wouldn’t Amander be falling all over me?

Sure, flirting and playing the flying game is annoying, but weren’t Alex and Matt like literally manicuring their nails together the other day? That’s way worse. He watches on as Jen gives Matt a haircut and floats the theory that Parker and Amander knew each other outside the hose, and Matt tells him to stop talking to homeless people. Amander comes in and Alex gets up and leaves like a pouty little wuss. She asks if Alex is mad at her, and Matt says to go talk to Alex, but only after he’s done helping cut his hair. LOL.

She won’t stop nasally asking wtf so he tells her Alex’ theory. She’s like “Duh, I swore on a pink pleather Bible, does he think I’m a heathen?” and then storms down the hall offended that her partner would dare insult her integrity before taking of her top and swinging around on the banister while waving “hi mom” to the cameras.

She goes to confront Alex, asking how dare he suggest she lied to the Bible. He curses and gets defensive and stands by his accusation, but when she swears on her dead father, he eases up and rats out James. There’s lots of using dead fathers in this game, which I’m sure is making them proud in Heaven. There’s also that girl on American Idol who auditioned like two days after her father was killed in a car crash and mentions it every time the camera hits her. It’s official. Dead dads are totally in this season. I feel so out of fashion.

She leaves the room and goes straight to Parker, nasally whining about Alex’ accusation as loudly as possible. He gets all riled up and uh oh. You know what that means. Luckily, it’s daytime so he doesn’t have to wake anyone up. I will always dislike him for that, btw. He goes to the backyard and starts shouting at James about being a liar and gets more and more agitated. James tries to politely deny it and shrug Parker off at first, but then it’s a shouting match with lots of fuzz covered mouths and bleeps.

Parker is a wee bit defensive. Does he know someone in the house? He’s making himself look like a total a hole, either way. Someone says that eviction is coming and they know how it will end and he retorts “so now Miss Cleo’s in the house.” That’s the next twist! Parker is Miss Cleo!

Molly, you in danger, girl.

Alex tries to backpeddle by shouting that James never named names, but Amanda and Parker have already made too big of a deal out of it to let it go. Poor Alex is obviously just acting out because he feels rejected, and Amanda calls him out on it publicly, which must make him feel even more awesome. He’s a loud mouthed idiot, Amanda, yes. But so are you. Then again, so is Parker. Menage?

Later, when they’re alone, Alex really makes an effort to prove to Amanda that he has feelings for her by calling her a slut and yelling at her for apparently liking Parker more than him. Mmmm, sexist verbal abuse with a bad accent. Sexy. Amanda starts crying, but he keeps going on and on about her whorishness and slutty wardrobe. She says that every girl dresses like her. Ask Natalie! HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s so not the only evidence you want in this argument. I love this girl more and more with every passing minute. I hope my theory that the HGs will change partners by picking colors when it’s down to four couples proves correct, because I love Amanda but if I hear “Amander” one more time I’m gonna kick my TV in the face.

Dude. What do you want? She’s already wearing a turtleneck, for fuck’s sake.

The HGs are gathered for the veto competition and no one is happy, but Chelsia is especially run over looking today. The people playing in the competition will be the two couples up for eviction, the HOH couple, and a couple randomly selected. Nat and Matt! They make out and she gives him a public handjob in celebration. Of course I’m lying, but that was totally believable, wasn’t it?

Alex and Amander get to select a host, and when they choose Joshua, he reinforces his masculinity by doing a cheer. Oy. Matt promises Parker that if he wins, Parker’s safe, but then he tells us that it’s just because Parker’s a drama queen and no one wants to be yelled at today. Then he pulls out a nail file and makes sure he looks perfect for the competition. Girl.

Joshua, fitted in an ill fitting polyester jacket and way too big top hat leftover from the Mad Hatter’s tea party last season, reads instructions off a card. One member of each team will have to put their partners on a big spinning wheel and see who can spin the most spins in the shortest amount of times without letting go of a panic button. Whoever gets to 300 fist wins.

Natalie better hope one of her silicone bags doesn’t knock her out. As she tells us how afraid she is of spinning and roller coasters with that big goofy idiot smile she has, I smile too. It’s like she’s being played by Cheri O’Teri, and I am starting to love her now, too.

Ryan, who’s sweating buckets before the game even starts, comes out strong. He whips Allison’s wheel around violently. Soon, though, Matt is wailing on him. I can’t believe the bikini barista didn’t fly over the wall. Or barf. Allison talks real big, but she’s decidedly less bitchy today, and it’s the first time she’s been in the diary room without makeup and not looked like she was punched in the face. What gives?

Faux lesbianism is good for your skin.

All her big talking aside, she is the first one to let her finger off the button. Parker is taking his sweet ass time, and Jen’s yelling at him to move his ass. He’s visibly pissed, but doesn’t speed up much. It comes down to him and Matt, and Matt falters a bit but still kicks his ass. I can’t help but think Parker just gave up trying, thinking Matt will stick to his promise and keep him safe. I dunno, buddy. Maybe you should yell at him now to cement the deal. No time, because he is nearly passed out face to the grass. Jen shouts at him to pull himself together and not look like a total wuss in front of everyone. HA.

Jen knows that putting her fate in the hands of Nat and Matt is scary, but Parker is totally confident. He’s really bugging the crap out of me. That night, in bed, Alex tells Amanda that if they aren’t gonna bone then they shouldn’t bone anyone else in the house. Good lord man, you’ve known her for a little over a week! I pity the girl who marries this blowhard. She gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen to gossip with Chelsia, knowing that Alex is sitting in bed watching on the HOH monitor. She says it’s creepy, and seeing him sitting there in bed studying her every move really is creepy. Spending all your free time spying on people you barely know is gross…wait. That’s totally what I’m doing. Maybe it’s the night vision?

Somehow when he does it it just seems wrong.

Parker, awakened by the smell of opportunity, comes into the kitchen. He and Amanda just talk, knowing they are being watched. I am impressed that Parker didn’t walk up to her, look straight into a camera, and pee all over her.

Before the veto ceremony, Matt says that he doesn’t want to evict Paco cuz he’s his boy. How he’s come up with that pronunciation for Parker is beyond me. Unfortunately, Paco is teamed with Jen, so fuck him. He and Nat let the nominations stand. Paco is furious, but he just sits really low in his chair, scowls at everyone, and says he doesn’t care.

Really. I don’t.

The show ends with Ryan and Jen separately that they will do their best to get rid of the other. AW! If that doesn’t make you believe in love, then you’re expectations are way too high. What do you guys think?