Big Brother: Thank Les For The 7-Second Delay

Big Brother

By Copyhacker | Friday, July 17, 2009 | 5:55 am | 27 Comments

Tagged: big brother 11, cbs, copyhacker, funny, hilarious, julie chen, reality, recap

Welcome back, sports fans, to the White Trash Olympics! Before I get into the action, I have a little speech to make. Way back before the dawn of time, around Big Brother 3 or thereabouts, I was poking around the Interwebs for a recap of a BB episode I missed, and what did I find but a little site called TVgasm? All these years of watching and reading and snarfing later, here I am with the opportunity to recap a season of Big Brother! You guys, I’m like Mark Wahlberg in Rock Star here! Minus the 6-pack. And the bleached mullet. But anyway, let’s get down to it already. Out rolls the Chenbot, now with a 40% bigger Chelmet, and some spare ball bearings around her neck just in case she busts a few doing her patented turn to the camera. Those joints are working for two, you know. That belt makes her tummy look smaller… and her butt bigger. FAIL.

At least she knows where to hold the cue cards.

Chenbot reminds us of this year’s theme, just in case we forgot. “A jock is in charge… a nerd is trying to fit in… an outsider is targeted for eviction. Sounds like high school to me!” So what high school do androids go to, anyway? She proceeds to work the room like an automated supa-stah, handing out robotic high fives, while the recap of the week’s action rolls.

This pretty much sums it up. Moving on!

So hey, how about those snazzy new 3D opening credits? Looks like the Endemol graphics department got some fancy new upgrades. Even the music got tweaked. Same old host, though.

Back to shots of the Houseguests kicking it and waiting for their mistress.

This fauxhawk is totally ironic, you guys!

Adrian?

At least they’ve been watering their Chia daily.

The Chenbot reminds us that tonight is eviction night… “BUT FIRST! The laid-back surfer sent a wave of emotion crashing through the house!” LOL. Speaking of crashes, a But First is a good indication that Chenbot’s memory is full. Let’s go to blue flashback while she downloads the next five minutes’ worth of script, hrrmmz?

We’re back in color right after the veto ceremony, to find Dorktor Evil gloating because he’s the biggest schemer in the house. Um, dude? You’re the only schemer so far. Being the biggest schemer in Season 11 is like being the most colorful character in Season 1. It don’t take much. “It’s gravy, baby,” he crows while making rock-and-roll horns. Dorktor Evil? Maybe Evel Dork is closer.

“Yes! Urban Dictionary saved my keyster again!”

Lydia, grateful because Russell the Rage Muscle took her off the block, plasters herself to him and prepares to suck his face off. Braden sneers behind a not-very-surfery pair of shades and pretends to be unfazed by his imminent back-dooring. He sings “that’s how the cookie crumbles” as Laura smushes her cookies up into him. Those cookies don’t crumble. Leaking is more likely.

Jordan cries into her pillow that “they’re making everybody turn against everybody!” Hello? Cameras and mic? Reality show about people turning against each other? Maybe you’ve seen it? Jugs does some quick math, literally puts two and two together, and realizes she and Jordan are on their own. Jordan says she and Jugs “are gonna be a hot mess.”

Well, you got the mess part right.

Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, this happened.

Polish all you want, you aren’t going to make your reflection look any better.

Now that Lydia’s off the block, she has time to think about other things than saving her own butt, like saving her own butt. She realizes that Jordan cried when Braden was nominated, but didn’t shed a tear when Lydia herself went on the block. She then complains about how everyone’s forgotten her 16th birthday, while sewing herself a nice pink prom dress.

Russell the Rage Muscle isn’t sure they have enough votes in the bag to get rid of Braden, so he wants to goad him into doing something stupid to ensure his eviction. Didn’t he just try that on Jeff like yesterday, with no luck? I’m guessing Rage Muscle’s bag of tricks is about as large as his… intellect. But if anyone’s not going to see through this devious plot, it’s Braden. Braden complains that Lydia “made up falsifications” about him. If you can’t make up a word, I suppose misusing a real word will have to do. He’s going on and on about Lydia. Waitaminit, who took Lydia off the block? That’s right, you’re talking to him. And who put you up? Oh, *that’s right*, it was Jessie. Where has Jessie been, anyway? He’s holed up in the HOH room letting his Mini Muscle do the dirty work. He’s going to be hella pissed, though, when he doesn’t see himself for the whole first half of this episode.

Braden goes looking for Lydia to work out his issues. He finds Molly and Ducky hanging outside by the wall where all the offbeats hang out, doing, I dunno, offbeaty things like writing poetry or erasing the skin off their hands. He accuses Lydia of stabbing him in the back, which would imply that they had some sort of deal, which AFAIK isn’t the case. He mentions Kevin’s name and Lydia says leave him out of it. So the 43-year-old gay guy can’t defend himself? Stereotype much, Tattoo Girl? Bleeping and blurring ensues. Lydia sticks up for Kevin again and hollers at Braden to “kiss my Latin ass”.

Ha! I had a feeling there was a chola hiding under all that ink!

In case we couldn’t tell, the Chenbot informs us that “a fuse has been lit” in the house. I think a fuse is about to be blown somewhere in her Chennards, is what I think. Back to the house, quick. Now that Cholydia is off the block, she can wig out without any consequences, so she goes to full-on attack mode. (You can tell by the terminator shades and black hoodie.) She’s going after Jordan for the unforgivable crime of not crying when Cholydia was nominated. Jordan loses her temper, at which point Cholydia gets all calm and manipulative and pretending to be the voice of reason. Ducky keeps a safe distance, doing laundry or something.

But ready to let fly with 3 snaps in a Z formation at a moment’s notice.

Jeff is mad because Cholydia made a deal to get herself off the block, even though she probably would have been safe up against Hot Lips. Sorry Jeff, but if you get the chance to get off the block, you take it. How is that unreasonable?

Cholydia walks away from the pot she stirred up, stopping to take a few more shots at Braden from the safety of the balcony. OK, fun’s over. A time lapse of outside tells us it’s the next day. Boredan, having been deep in thought all day,

…and deep in a nasty pair of tangerine gym shorts…

…goes to Jugs with a foolproof plan. They’re going to make an alliance out of everyone except the Athletes, and they’re going to do it by… wait for it… voting out Chia, the pawn. How unprecedented! They need some Brains to back up this totally original idea, so they go to Evel Dork, who is a sucker for blonde hair and a massive rack. He says he has Michele in his pocket, which leaves Casey as the outstanding vote. By some cosmic coincidence, Casey is also the one person yet to receive screen time tonight. Funny how that works, no?

Casey is even easier to convince. Laura jiggles for a few seconds. Done.

Will the fake Slim Shady please grow up?

Now that the pieces are all in place, let’s finally go back to live. Chenbot addresses the Houseguests. First on her list of talking points is the steroid scandal between Rage Muscle and Jeff. Chenbot can’t get a rise out of either one, so she gives up and moves on to Round 2: Cholydia vs. Boredan. They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, all buddy-buddy. Boredan: “Um, there was a lotta tension and um… I gotta say what’s on my mind… The veins start shootin’ out and…” Veins were shooting out? Wow, did that hurt? Are you related to the Rage Muscle, BTW? You share a temper and an uncommon facility with the English language.

This episode has been way too interesting so far, so it must be time to bring Jessie in for his HOH interview. He says the target on his back is “a little bit bigger than last summer.”

But your head is definitely smaller than last summer, so it evens out.

The Chenbot wants to know who’s the brains behind Jessie’s cliche, I mean clique, the Athletes. The Brains behind the Athletes? I want to know who’s the brains behind the script. “I’d say Russell has a very strong mind… but I’m not gonna sell myself short here.” ROFL. His speeches would be even better if he had to deliver them all using hand gestures inside the gorilla suit.

After the break, it’s time for the nominees’ last speeches. Braden reels off some platitudes that sound like they were randomly pulled from Nickelback lyrics. Chia says the Houseguests have short memories, and then… she gets bleeped! OMG! Is that a first? “A vote for Braden is a vote for a bigot,” she declares, calling Braden a racist and a misogynist as the audience gasps on cue. Whatever Braden said to Molly and Ducky must be bad enough to put egg all over CBS’s face, because the Chenbot’s programming has anticipated just this scenario, and she zips right past it. Aaaaaanyway… here come the live votes! (Do we usually get live voting this early in the season?)

Live… but thank Les for the 7-second delay.

The first four are Russell, Natalie, Jeff and Jordan, and the vote is split with the first two voting for Braden and the second two voting for Jordan. Wow, lookit how that worked out!

After the break we have Kevin, Laura, Lydia, Michele. Their votes alternate, so you know what’s coming, right? Next up, Casey wants to get rid of “Chima’s melodramatic behind”. Her behind? Who cares about her behind? Have you SEEN that hair? And those lips?

Then we have Lying McSchemer, who taps his fingers like Monty Burns and strokes an air cat as he votes for… Braden. Yep, that makes a tie, so it’s down to Jessie. He votes Braden out, natch, who strolls out trying to look like Bryan Adams circa 1985.

Cuts like a knife, but it feels so right.

While Braden mics up, to perhaps more cheering than a racist misogynist word-mangler deserves, we get to watch the Houseguests watching his photo go black and white. Ah, good old summer traditions.

The Chenbot says Braden whispered in her ear that they have a lot to talk about. Dude. She’s not going there. Indeed, she runs a Diversion Subroutine, asking Braden who he thinks sold him out. He names Ronnie, Michele and Casey, which is every single unknown vote if I’m counting right. Nice sleuthing there, Zen Master. Chenbot says it was Ronnie. Braden nods wisely. “Something definitely lied behind those glasses and that smirk… he’s a great liar.”

Lies and the lying liars who tell them.

The Chenbot asks Braden for one word to describe his time in the house. She may not watch the episodes, but at least she got the memo about Jordan’s superdelushious vocabulary. His one word is discombobulated. Sorry, but that’s a real word. Thanks for playing, please try again.

Cue the farewell tapes. Jordan says she fought for him, Ducky says Braden said things he can’t take back, and Cholydia is looking even more like Molly Ringwald in a pair of offbeaty-brainy glasses. “That’s all?” says Braden. “That’s all I’m gonna show you for now.” Which is fine with me, because 1) I’m not the least bit interested or surprised by anything crass a BB Houseguest says; and 2) it’s HOH competition time, beeyotches! This week’s theme is “Big Brother Homecoming”! Before you get all excited and start looking for Janelle, or Marcellas, sorry–there are no former Houseguests making guest appearances. The contestants take turns buzzing in to answer questions about which cliche would be most likely to do such and such. If they get the question right, they get to eliminate someone; get it wrong and they’re out. You know the drill. The Houseguests are all wearing flowers pinned to their chests. I thought that was prom, not homecoming?

The questions are all really easy, stuff like “Which cliche would be most likely to misspell the word ‘athlete’?” “Which cliche would skip school for a bad zit?” Etc. It goes something like this: Jugs eliminates Chia, Jeff takes out Ducky, Jugs takes out Mini Muscle. Le yawn. This game is lamer than an actual homecoming. They start buzzing in too early, and Jugs gets one wrong. Whoops. Casey eliminates “Jefe”, which means the Athletes are done. Does he know that “jefe” does not, in fact, mean “Jeff” in Spanish?

Next, Cholydia eliminates Jordan, and that’s it for the Populars. Ronnie takes out Casey, and Michele eliminates Lydia, which leaves two Brains in the finals. Last question: which cliche would be most likely to not have their photo in the yearbook? Ronnie answers Offbeats and wins HOH. He proceeds to stomp around the yard like he just won the Regional Debate Team Meet.

So this is what it’s like to be an alpha male. Fear my giant brain, underlings.

So, is Ronnie going to be dangerous this week, or will he overplay and get himself taken out next week? I vote option 2. All that power is totally going right to his round head. Thoughts?

Oh, and I’m sure what happened off-air was juicy, but just a reminder: no live feed spoilers in the comments, capisce?

Comments (27)
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27 Comments

1

flipit

Posted July 17, 2009 at 8:35 am

As a reminder, no discussing spoilers or live feeds in the comments section!!
2

lickitysplit

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:04 am

Great recap for a great Thursday show! Chima showed just what a stupid bleep she is. What a class act.

As for Ronnie, he definitely made the right move to save himself in case the HOH came out differently. However, I hope for his sake he turns right back around and nominates a couple of athletes, because if he thinks for a second they’ll be loyal to him he will be a total fool.
3

cattyfan

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:10 am

Great recap…and I love the new nickname choices for Ronnie: Dorktor Evil or Evil Dork. Both so perfect.

I quibble, though with your contention of discombobulate not being a word. It dates back to 1916, and is an altered form of discompose. (info from Merriam Webster dictionary.) This was one of the few times when Braden chose an actual word and used it correctly.

Braden deserved to get the boot…not for his unPC views, but for his inability to think ahead more than 5 seconds. He should have strategized, and used Lydia’s guilt over stabbing him in the back to rally votes to keep him. It wasn’t like Chima is Miss popularity, so I doubt it would have been taxing to sway the needed players into his corner. Instead he allowed Raging Russ to pull his strings.

This has to be the stupidest group of BB contestants they’ve ever assembled…and that’s really saying something.

So far, I’m still rooting for Jeff…I think because he looks a lot like my first boyfriend (yeah…from when I was in high school. Seems appropriate.)
4

philo

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:10 am

Here are some of my observations from Week 1:

1. When her mouth isn’t blurred out, I think I noticed that Lydia suffers from Kiesha’s missing upper left tooth syndrome.

2. When Jessie won HOH, they didn’t cue to pictures from family or friends (or himself flexing). I thought of this fact as I dread seeing what Ronnie’s wife looks like.

3. Pregnancy is affecting Chenbot’s ability to talk. How many words did she jumble last night?

4. I wonder if Braden made a derogatory remark to “Molly and Ducky” towards people of Latino decent (I didn’t realize Lydia was Latino until she told someone to kiss her Latin Ass). Natalie seemed just as P.O.’d at Braden in the voting room as Molly and Ducky. Hence the bigotry portion of Chima’s speech.

Great recap.
5

cattyfan

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:13 am

copyhacker…I owe you an apology. I misunderstood your intent: you were making fun of Chenbot trying to get Surferboy to use a non-word, and him (barely) missing the mark.

Apparently I need more coffee before reading…
6

slutty_whore

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:52 am

Dorktor is so funny! LMFAO. Lydia did throw Braden under the bus (as the clip showed), she lied about it, Braden said his unnecessary comments, and got the boot as a result.

I like Ronnie’s game and I’m glad to see that there are people playing this year (Lydia, Ronnie, Russell). Even if you don’t like their strategy, at least they are making an effort.
7

slutty_whore

Posted July 17, 2009 at 9:55 am

Oh, and Copyahcker, I believe every eviction is live.
8

itchy

Posted July 17, 2009 at 10:26 am

More like Chlamlydia…given her relationship with the Roid Droid.

I don’t have a problem with the no spoilers rule (i.e., don’t give away info like who wins the POV, HOH, etc.).

On the other hand, CBS is leaving out a LOT of info in the shows –it’s not really spoiler stuff, since it doesn’t affect the ‘suspense’ of whatever competition. But it does go a lot towards explaining certain things.

And given the diversity of the TVgasm crowd, some of that info would tend to have direct bearing on people’s apprehension of the various characters — Braden, for example, was not exactly the relaxed surfer dude CBS pretended he was.

Anyhoo, I’m starting to appreciate the Son of Gong Show rage muscle guy — he actually does seem to be playing these people, and so far they don’t seem to have caught on.

The Dorktor reminds me of that guy with the Madame puppet. Or Truman Capote. Or both.
9

soapboxx

Posted July 17, 2009 at 10:40 am

Thanks for the recap! Wow Chima’s speech was on fire. I am liking Laura now, she really seems to understand the game. My one and only hope is for Jessie and the love muscle to go on slop for a week and have to sleep on those steel beds. I don’t remember Jessie ever having to be on slop last season and I can’t imagine his being able to make it a week. I think he says he eats 12,000 calories a day, that’s a lot of oatmeal!
10

copyhacker

Posted July 17, 2009 at 10:47 am

@slutty_whore: yeah, every eviction is live, but every vote isn’t… or at least didn’t used to be.
11

tv freak

Posted July 17, 2009 at 11:32 am

philo: the word that cbs censored when Braden was yelling at Lydia and Kevin was ‘beaner’. I don’t think that counts as a live feed spoiler since they aired it (they just didn’t tell us what word it was), but I apologize if it is.

Have to disagree with you guys…I thought Chima’s speech was the most awesome moment in BB history since Janelle’s “bye bye bitches”. While the censored word was uncalled for, the rest was fabulous. It may have even kept her in the house. (I wouldn’t be suprised if it changed Ronnie’s mind.)
12

johncon966

Posted July 17, 2009 at 11:35 am

Hey guys,

You should read the Chenbot’s blog over at EW.com, in it she reacts to finding out that people were calling her a robot.

It seems like her programmers did a good job on the sense of humor software. You go Chen!

I think I am actually rooting for Chima? Maybe Michele?

Ronnie will implode under the pressure of being HOH, and will probably submit to either the massiveness of the jocks or Laura.
13

juddfan

Posted July 17, 2009 at 11:49 am

Hey Ho! Thanks trink and itchy–so it’s not my imagination that Chuck Barris is reincarnated in love muscle (or roid muscle)!!!

But first, wish we could post spoilers . . . or not spoilers, per say, but details about the talk in the house . . .

That said, thanks again all for letting me watch from a distance and take this all in. Welcome to the fray, copyhacker, great job all around, and enjoyed your interaction on the live first epi!

Death to Jessie . . . and Flippy, I no longer feel bad for some of my bad taste in men if you’ve got lust in your loin for ape man!!!! Bwhahahahahahaha!!!

xoxoxoxoxo
14

thlayly5

Posted July 17, 2009 at 12:20 pm

Totally off topic…. but–

Chima was brutally raped and left for dead…had to have major facial reconstruction surgery. Her real name (she changed it in CA) is Chima Benson.

She’s kinda annoying, but btwn being a survivor AND calling Braden out on live TV ….I LOVE the bitch now!!

you can find the article at associated content dot com.
15

thlayly5

Posted July 17, 2009 at 12:29 pm

I don’t think that’s a spoiler- she said it during one episode, I think. Don’t hate me! Gah!
16

NotWithoutMyTV

Posted July 17, 2009 at 1:22 pm

The same robotics company–Just Like Life Automatons–has exclusive manufacturing contracts with all the major networks. They built and programmed “Andy Cohen”, “Ryan Seacrest”, and “Chris Harrison”. The Chenbot’s Chenbump is a psychological advance–the audience KNOWS she’s not a real person, but, awwwww, she’s preggers! Isn’t that adorable?
17

itchy

Posted July 17, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Heh heh, what’s really awesome about Chenbot 2009 is that not only did they give her that bump, but a massive expanding tuckus as well.

I think what makes Big Brother the pinnacle of reality television is that they’re selling us both the reality (the live feeds) and the reality show (the edited episodes) at the same time. I don’t think any other show does this.

So I can understand the concept of having the recaps stick to the reality show and remaining innocent of the reality. Which must be difficult for the recappers.

Speaking of which, nicely done Copyhacker…it isn’t easy working alongside such Masters of Snark as Flipit and Schoonie.
18

pixielated

Posted July 17, 2009 at 4:07 pm

I guess Braden is sort of a Surf Nazi, eh? He deserved to be called out by Chima.

Ronnie’s wife was in the first episode, when he was Wii-ing and squealing like a girl. She is plump but fairly pretty.

I agree that he will screw up as HOH. He barely kept it together when he was scheming this week. Rage guy and maybe some others know not to trust him.

Awesome recap, Copyhacker.
19

bbjunkie

Posted July 17, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Awesome recap Copyhacker!

My darn “real life” got in the way this past week and did not allow me to devote ample time to keeping on top of things. I think I’m caught up.

It has taken me awhile to get into this season. The cast was starting to remind me a little bit of season 9 – unlikeable and unwatchable. I am keeping the faith it will keep improving for the better. Love the names for everyone and your sterotypes crack me up….they are dead on!
20

copyhacker

Posted July 17, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Wow, thanks for all the luv, y’alls!

@itchy: It’s not easy keeping up with Floonie. They must be used to getting by on less sleep than me.

@pixielated: Hey, great to see a House regular in here! Represent!

@NotWithoutMyTV: “Chenbump” will definitely make it into next week’s recap.
21

princesspeapod

Posted July 17, 2009 at 11:18 pm

Wow, craziest eviction speech since Chelsia’s “rode hard” rant in season 9. According to people who were in the live audience, Chima’s bleeped portion was “He called my friends Lydia and Kevin ‘beaners’ and he called you a whore, Julie, yes he did!” Yikes! No wonder the post-eviction interview was so awkward.

This cast is nuts! I can’t believe it’s only the beginning of week 2. I’m hopeful that we will see insanity on the level of season 6.
22

bitchristine

Posted July 18, 2009 at 8:23 am

Lots of laughs Copyhacker! These people on this show blow. So funny that they are fighting HARD already. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds. Off to Amsterdam, there will be 3 episodes on TiVo waiting for me when I get back. Woo!
23

cattyfan

Posted July 18, 2009 at 10:02 am

I can’t believe people have become so sensitive that “beaners” was bleeped. Is it offensive? You bet. But it is not worthy of being bleeped. Only truly vulgar words should be edited out.
24

Mr Dangerous

Posted July 18, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Great Recap COPYHACKER! I liked your name for Lydia.

I want to believe that Ronnie voted for Braden because of what Chima said but I’m not sure…

As for that Braden, I’m sure he feels like an outcast (NOT an offbeat!) as a result of his eviction but I’m certain he’ll feel right at home again when he attends his monthly neo-Nazi/KKK meeting.

CHIMA’s speech was entertaining but my girl Janelle spoke the best line in BB history when she said, “Bye, Bye Bitches!”
I miss Janelle. I hope they bring back Janelle and Kaysar this season.
25

slutty_whore

Posted July 20, 2009 at 6:31 am

Mr. Dangerous… Kaysar sucked balls ALL THREE times he got to play the game. Why do people venerate his terrible game play and equate him to the better BB players? He sucks, his ego was too big, and anyone who falls for the “I won’t put you on the block” BS from another player deserves hall of shame status.
26

Mr Dangerous

Posted July 20, 2009 at 7:42 am

uh, of course he did. Me liking Kaysar has nothing to do with him being a good player or not. (I think they should invite him back and then symbolically kick him out of the house again!) Kaysar wasn’t the best player but I do like him AND he and Janelle are so interlinked that if you invite one back you should invite the other.
27

pappy

Posted July 20, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Btw, live accounts at the show have chima saying that braden called the Chenbot a whore….yikes babe…