Welcome back, sports fans, to the White Trash Olympics! Before I get into the action, I have a little speech to make. Way back before the dawn of time, around Big Brother 3 or thereabouts, I was poking around the Interwebs for a recap of a BB episode I missed, and what did I find but a little site called TVgasm? All these years of watching and reading and snarfing later, here I am with the opportunity to recap a season of Big Brother! You guys, I’m like Mark Wahlberg in Rock Star here! Minus the 6-pack. And the bleached mullet. But anyway, let’s get down to it already. Out rolls the Chenbot, now with a 40% bigger Chelmet, and some spare ball bearings around her neck just in case she busts a few doing her patented turn to the camera. Those joints are working for two, you know. That belt makes her tummy look smaller… and her butt bigger. FAIL.
At least she knows where to hold the cue cards.
Chenbot reminds us of this year’s theme, just in case we forgot. “A jock is in charge… a nerd is trying to fit in… an outsider is targeted for eviction. Sounds like high school to me!” So what high school do androids go to, anyway? She proceeds to work the room like an automated supa-stah, handing out robotic high fives, while the recap of the week’s action rolls.
This pretty much sums it up. Moving on!
So hey, how about those snazzy new 3D opening credits? Looks like the Endemol graphics department got some fancy new upgrades. Even the music got tweaked. Same old host, though.
Back to shots of the Houseguests kicking it and waiting for their mistress.
This fauxhawk is totally ironic, you guys!
At least they’ve been watering their Chia daily.
The Chenbot reminds us that tonight is eviction night… “BUT FIRST! The laid-back surfer sent a wave of emotion crashing through the house!” LOL. Speaking of crashes, a But First is a good indication that Chenbot’s memory is full. Let’s go to blue flashback while she downloads the next five minutes’ worth of script, hrrmmz?
We’re back in color right after the veto ceremony, to find Dorktor Evil gloating because he’s the biggest schemer in the house. Um, dude? You’re the only schemer so far. Being the biggest schemer in Season 11 is like being the most colorful character in Season 1. It don’t take much. “It’s gravy, baby,” he crows while making rock-and-roll horns. Dorktor Evil? Maybe Evel Dork is closer.
“Yes! Urban Dictionary saved my keyster again!”
Lydia, grateful because Russell the Rage Muscle took her off the block, plasters herself to him and prepares to suck his face off. Braden sneers behind a not-very-surfery pair of shades and pretends to be unfazed by his imminent back-dooring. He sings “that’s how the cookie crumbles” as Laura smushes her cookies up into him. Those cookies don’t crumble. Leaking is more likely.
Jordan cries into her pillow that “they’re making everybody turn against everybody!” Hello? Cameras and mic? Reality show about people turning against each other? Maybe you’ve seen it? Jugs does some quick math, literally puts two and two together, and realizes she and Jordan are on their own. Jordan says she and Jugs “are gonna be a hot mess.”
Well, you got the mess part right.
Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, this happened.
Polish all you want, you aren’t going to make your reflection look any better.
Now that Lydia’s off the block, she has time to think about other things than saving her own butt, like saving her own butt. She realizes that Jordan cried when Braden was nominated, but didn’t shed a tear when Lydia herself went on the block. She then complains about how everyone’s forgotten her 16th birthday, while sewing herself a nice pink prom dress.
Russell the Rage Muscle isn’t sure they have enough votes in the bag to get rid of Braden, so he wants to goad him into doing something stupid to ensure his eviction. Didn’t he just try that on Jeff like yesterday, with no luck? I’m guessing Rage Muscle’s bag of tricks is about as large as his… intellect. But if anyone’s not going to see through this devious plot, it’s Braden. Braden complains that Lydia “made up falsifications” about him. If you can’t make up a word, I suppose misusing a real word will have to do. He’s going on and on about Lydia. Waitaminit, who took Lydia off the block? That’s right, you’re talking to him. And who put you up? Oh, *that’s right*, it was Jessie. Where has Jessie been, anyway? He’s holed up in the HOH room letting his Mini Muscle do the dirty work. He’s going to be hella pissed, though, when he doesn’t see himself for the whole first half of this episode.
Braden goes looking for Lydia to work out his issues. He finds Molly and Ducky hanging outside by the wall where all the offbeats hang out, doing, I dunno, offbeaty things like writing poetry or erasing the skin off their hands. He accuses Lydia of stabbing him in the back, which would imply that they had some sort of deal, which AFAIK isn’t the case. He mentions Kevin’s name and Lydia says leave him out of it. So the 43-year-old gay guy can’t defend himself? Stereotype much, Tattoo Girl? Bleeping and blurring ensues. Lydia sticks up for Kevin again and hollers at Braden to “kiss my Latin ass”.
Ha! I had a feeling there was a chola hiding under all that ink!
In case we couldn’t tell, the Chenbot informs us that “a fuse has been lit” in the house. I think a fuse is about to be blown somewhere in her Chennards, is what I think. Back to the house, quick. Now that Cholydia is off the block, she can wig out without any consequences, so she goes to full-on attack mode. (You can tell by the terminator shades and black hoodie.) She’s going after Jordan for the unforgivable crime of not crying when Cholydia was nominated. Jordan loses her temper, at which point Cholydia gets all calm and manipulative and pretending to be the voice of reason. Ducky keeps a safe distance, doing laundry or something.
But ready to let fly with 3 snaps in a Z formation at a moment’s notice.
Jeff is mad because Cholydia made a deal to get herself off the block, even though she probably would have been safe up against Hot Lips. Sorry Jeff, but if you get the chance to get off the block, you take it. How is that unreasonable?
Cholydia walks away from the pot she stirred up, stopping to take a few more shots at Braden from the safety of the balcony. OK, fun’s over. A time lapse of outside tells us it’s the next day. Boredan, having been deep in thought all day,
…and deep in a nasty pair of tangerine gym shorts…
…goes to Jugs with a foolproof plan. They’re going to make an alliance out of everyone except the Athletes, and they’re going to do it by… wait for it… voting out Chia, the pawn. How unprecedented! They need some Brains to back up this totally original idea, so they go to Evel Dork, who is a sucker for blonde hair and a massive rack. He says he has Michele in his pocket, which leaves Casey as the outstanding vote. By some cosmic coincidence, Casey is also the one person yet to receive screen time tonight. Funny how that works, no?
Casey is even easier to convince. Laura jiggles for a few seconds. Done.
Will the fake Slim Shady please grow up?
Now that the pieces are all in place, let’s finally go back to live. Chenbot addresses the Houseguests. First on her list of talking points is the steroid scandal between Rage Muscle and Jeff. Chenbot can’t get a rise out of either one, so she gives up and moves on to Round 2: Cholydia vs. Boredan. They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, all buddy-buddy. Boredan: “Um, there was a lotta tension and um… I gotta say what’s on my mind… The veins start shootin’ out and…” Veins were shooting out? Wow, did that hurt? Are you related to the Rage Muscle, BTW? You share a temper and an uncommon facility with the English language.
This episode has been way too interesting so far, so it must be time to bring Jessie in for his HOH interview. He says the target on his back is “a little bit bigger than last summer.”
But your head is definitely smaller than last summer, so it evens out.
The Chenbot wants to know who’s the brains behind Jessie’s cliche, I mean clique, the Athletes. The Brains behind the Athletes? I want to know who’s the brains behind the script. “I’d say Russell has a very strong mind… but I’m not gonna sell myself short here.” ROFL. His speeches would be even better if he had to deliver them all using hand gestures inside the gorilla suit.
After the break, it’s time for the nominees’ last speeches. Braden reels off some platitudes that sound like they were randomly pulled from Nickelback lyrics. Chia says the Houseguests have short memories, and then… she gets bleeped! OMG! Is that a first? “A vote for Braden is a vote for a bigot,” she declares, calling Braden a racist and a misogynist as the audience gasps on cue. Whatever Braden said to Molly and Ducky must be bad enough to put egg all over CBS’s face, because the Chenbot’s programming has anticipated just this scenario, and she zips right past it. Aaaaaanyway… here come the live votes! (Do we usually get live voting this early in the season?)
Live… but thank Les for the 7-second delay.
The first four are Russell, Natalie, Jeff and Jordan, and the vote is split with the first two voting for Braden and the second two voting for Jordan. Wow, lookit how that worked out!
After the break we have Kevin, Laura, Lydia, Michele. Their votes alternate, so you know what’s coming, right? Next up, Casey wants to get rid of “Chima’s melodramatic behind”. Her behind? Who cares about her behind? Have you SEEN that hair? And those lips?
Then we have Lying McSchemer, who taps his fingers like Monty Burns and strokes an air cat as he votes for… Braden. Yep, that makes a tie, so it’s down to Jessie. He votes Braden out, natch, who strolls out trying to look like Bryan Adams circa 1985.
Cuts like a knife, but it feels so right.
While Braden mics up, to perhaps more cheering than a racist misogynist word-mangler deserves, we get to watch the Houseguests watching his photo go black and white. Ah, good old summer traditions.
The Chenbot says Braden whispered in her ear that they have a lot to talk about. Dude. She’s not going there. Indeed, she runs a Diversion Subroutine, asking Braden who he thinks sold him out. He names Ronnie, Michele and Casey, which is every single unknown vote if I’m counting right. Nice sleuthing there, Zen Master. Chenbot says it was Ronnie. Braden nods wisely. “Something definitely lied behind those glasses and that smirk… he’s a great liar.”
Lies and the lying liars who tell them.
The Chenbot asks Braden for one word to describe his time in the house. She may not watch the episodes, but at least she got the memo about Jordan’s superdelushious vocabulary. His one word is discombobulated. Sorry, but that’s a real word. Thanks for playing, please try again.
Cue the farewell tapes. Jordan says she fought for him, Ducky says Braden said things he can’t take back, and Cholydia is looking even more like Molly Ringwald in a pair of offbeaty-brainy glasses. “That’s all?” says Braden. “That’s all I’m gonna show you for now.” Which is fine with me, because 1) I’m not the least bit interested or surprised by anything crass a BB Houseguest says; and 2) it’s HOH competition time, beeyotches! This week’s theme is “Big Brother Homecoming”! Before you get all excited and start looking for Janelle, or Marcellas, sorry–there are no former Houseguests making guest appearances. The contestants take turns buzzing in to answer questions about which cliche would be most likely to do such and such. If they get the question right, they get to eliminate someone; get it wrong and they’re out. You know the drill. The Houseguests are all wearing flowers pinned to their chests. I thought that was prom, not homecoming?
The questions are all really easy, stuff like “Which cliche would be most likely to misspell the word ‘athlete’?” “Which cliche would skip school for a bad zit?” Etc. It goes something like this: Jugs eliminates Chia, Jeff takes out Ducky, Jugs takes out Mini Muscle. Le yawn. This game is lamer than an actual homecoming. They start buzzing in too early, and Jugs gets one wrong. Whoops. Casey eliminates “Jefe”, which means the Athletes are done. Does he know that “jefe” does not, in fact, mean “Jeff” in Spanish?
Next, Cholydia eliminates Jordan, and that’s it for the Populars. Ronnie takes out Casey, and Michele eliminates Lydia, which leaves two Brains in the finals. Last question: which cliche would be most likely to not have their photo in the yearbook? Ronnie answers Offbeats and wins HOH. He proceeds to stomp around the yard like he just won the Regional Debate Team Meet.
So this is what it’s like to be an alpha male. Fear my giant brain, underlings.
So, is Ronnie going to be dangerous this week, or will he overplay and get himself taken out next week? I vote option 2. All that power is totally going right to his round head. Thoughts?
Oh, and I’m sure what happened off-air was juicy, but just a reminder: no live feed spoilers in the comments, capisce?