Previously, on Big Brother: Thursday’s show aired. Afterwards, I e-mailed Flip. That e-mail said, “Wow, I’m really glad I don’t have to recap that. They are all really gross and I officially can’t stand a single one of them. Enjoy!”
I think that pretty much sums it up.We begin by reliving Jen’s eviction and all of the gross, detestable things that happened right after. I would rather guest-star on To Catch a Predator than have to watch this again. So, right before she left, Jen apparently told Amber not to forget to tell Jess something. Eric tells us that he’s really mad about Jen’s goodbye speech (which, by the way, was AWESOME, as was her decision to basically say “fuck this” and eat and piss everyone off as much as she could, which I thought was totally baller and an appropriate reaction for the situation she was in). Eric tells us that the stupid thing he said about how happy everyone was to see her go was spur-of-the-moment, but you and I both know that he probably spent three days rehearsing that line.
After the HoH competition, Jess and Eric talk in the tiny bedroom about how Jess is going to put up Amber, whom they show stuffing her face in the grossest way possible. I love that we’re at the point in the season where whoever edits this show obviously has favorites, and it’s plain that they completely can’t stand Amber. Think about how many thousands of hours of footage they have of her, and we got this split-second:
Oh lord, Bless this Ramen and make me a vessel for it’s tasty goodness.
Amber goes to talk to Jameka and tells her that she told God not to give her HOH, and that she asked that Jessica get it instead. And God granted her wish! Because he likes her best! Now I really hope she leaves this week. Not that I don’t wish that every week.
Now the Eric and Jessica sexytime music starts playing, so we know we’re in for a treat. Eric presents Jessica with a multiple-choice question, which is always a turn on for the ladies, and also why my friends call me ScanTron when we’re out at the bars. Eric tells us frankly that he pretty much has no game, and he’s lucky that by comparison and process of elimination with the other guys in the house, he’s pretty much the best thing going and that he wouldn’t have a shot with Jessica otherwise. Man, why does he have to make me go and like him again after all the dumb shit he did on Thursday?
Jessica gets her HOH room, which comes with pictures of her dance team and a shirt that says Booyah on it. Later, she asks Amber what Jen told her to say, and Amber tells Jess that Eric has a girlfriend outside the house and that he told Jen about her. Jess actually seems genuinely concerned, which means that she probably really does like him. Eric wanders in and Amber spills the beans to him too, and his reaction is best described as “deer in the headlights” meets “little kid who got caught trying to sneak a cookie”.
Eric calls Jen a bitch and looks pissed, and frankly, even if this is not true, he sort of deserves this. Jessica tells us that when she heard about it she was a little concerned because she doesn’t like cheaters or liars, which is why she refuses to be an alliance with Daniele. Oh, wait.
So Eric tells Amber the truth, which is that he has what basically amounts to an ex that he doesn’t have closure with, and it’s an on again/off again thing. Amber completely relates, because she has an on again/off again relationship with reality. Eric tells Jessica the truth, and she seems to be okay with it. Then Jess is like, “Why would Jen say something like that as her last thing?” and Eric is like, “To take a cheap shot.” Which is something that he shouldn’t really be throwing stones about. Also, the final score on this whole situation would be Jen: 1, Eric: 0.
In the round room, Dick hounds Daniele about taking her vitamins, which sets off an entire montage of Dick attempting to be a father. You know, once you burn someone with a cigarette on purpose on national television, any credibility that you have as a bastion of responsibility and maturity is pretty much shot.
Up in the HOH room, the Donatos watch the spy screen because things are that boring sometimes, apparently. Also, this scene is from when Daniele was still HOH because her boas are hanging over the bed. In fact, it’s from before last week’s Veto because the big table is still in the kitchen on the screen. So, way to go timeline people! Daniele, as usual, is being short and snippy with Dick. Dick keeps harassing her about what her problem is, when he knows already that the problem is him. So, Daniele unloads on Dick about how she can’t stand being around him (um, welcome to the club?), and he storms out of the room. “Later”, Dick tells Daniele in the kitchen that he loves her and tries to patch things up while she rolls her eyes at him and is all short with him, and then he yells at her about her “attitude”, and then all the pots and kettles on the wall start calling each other things. I’m really, really sick of both of them, so I will say simply this: Those two? Deserve each other.
Back from the break, it’s time for this season’s first luxury competition. Jessica gets to pick the teams, and she’s decided on girls versus boys. After everyone changes into their competition attire, they head outside where there are two giant faucets spewing bubbles all over the backyard. Turns out that for the competition they will have to get naked, which causes Amber to completely freak out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of Devo.
Turns out that the clothes that everyone is wearing have letters printed on the insides of them, and the letters need to be unscrambled to form three words relating to the game, which happen to be “Bunny Suit” (NOT A WORD), “Toga”, and “Unitard”. Also, the letters are color coded to the words, which makes the competition really easy. Because, you can’t unscramble words if you don’t know what they mean.
And then: Amber gets naked. I black out for a period of time. Dick tells us that he accidentally saw her naked and is now scarred for life, and also that he would have liked to see a little bit of Jessica, bringing the grand total of things that Dick and I have in common to one. Amber tells us that she’s “really good at unscrambling words” and she does it with her daughter all the time. I wonder if they have races to see who can do it the fastest? Amber’s trophy case is barren on that one, I’m betting.
The girls end up winning the competition, which is a shopping spree. There are a whole bunch of racks in the house with clothes, and whatever the girls are wearing after two minutes, they get to keep. So the girls have a mad scramble for clothes while the guys heckle them, which is a nice touch. I’d almost rather be heckling then winning a bunch of random clothes. Jessica also steals the mannequin, too, mostly because the mannequin has better game than Eric.
“At this point, I’ll take anything that doesn’t talk so much.”
In the HOH room, Amber dries her hair and Jameka tells her that she’s going to be in “the magazines” and that she’s gonna “have a cover page”. If Jameka is just messing with her, this is awesome, and I’m going to assume that’s the case because the other option is too scary to think about. Ambers says that Nick told her that she could be on Top Model, which is hilarious. Maybe I didn’t give Nick enough credit when he was in the house, because that is some good shit, right there. Dude, they let a girl with flesh-eating virus on that show. They’re not exactly known for casting hotties.
Amber tells Jameka that she would totally do it if it was offered to her, and that she definitely has the face and the body to be a model, as well as the personality. Humble! And you definitely have the personality for Top Model, I’ll give you that, Amber. Pull out Jameka’s weave and I’ll make some calls for you. So Amber starts stuffing her face with pretzels and crumbs are flying everywhere while she talks about how pretty she is. Then they freeze-frame the shot and there are, like, pretzels everywhere and in her nostrils. Then Amber talks about what a nice body she has while they show us a shot of her in a bikini, and this whole thing is really cruel, but: I love the people who edit this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the June cover model for Pretzel Enthusiast Monthly
Zach goes to Jessica to make a counter-argument for putting him up. And Zach…doesn’t have an argument, other than the one that states that Dick and Daniele will have to go home if Jessica wants to win. He does tell her that if she doesn’t put him up, he’ll vote however she tells him, plus if he wins HOH next week he won’t put her up, which he wisely says is something that Jameka can’t promise.
Turns out that America wants Eric to get Amber nominated for eviction, which is a development of which I approve. But seriously, what does Dick have to do to get targeted, kick a puppy? He burned someone on national television last week. Eric is happy about the Amber nomination because he knows he’ll get it done. Eric talks to Jess about putting up Amber and Zach, which is probably the right move; Eric argues that they need to break up the Amber/Jameka twosome, which I would like Jess to do for my sanity. The cooler part is that the America’s Choice question tonight is ‘Who do you want Eric to kiss?’ and all the other houseguests are options. And if you don’t vote for Eric to kiss Dick, you and I are no longer friends.
Jessica does the pensive HoH memory wall stare while she decides who to nominate. Before she announces her nominations to everyone, she tells them that the decision was really hard and blah blah blah. Eric’s key is first, of course, then Dani, Jameka, and Dick, so Amber and Zach are nominated. And, then, Amber prays in the confessional, as if she weren’t already show-y enough about all of this. Part of her prayer is to tell God “God Bless You”, because…he sneezed? Random. Man, I want her to go home so hard.