Big Brother: The Julie Chen Chronicles

pic by Nick the Intern

Flipit: Welcome to the special Winter edition of Big Brother, Gasmii! As usual, we here at TVgasm will be giving you around the clock coverage of our favorite show. To obsess all day long, check out the round the clock coverage in our forums, led as usual by the lovely, talented, and truly sick TVgasm regulars. Also, check back here in the recap section for day after recaps.

Schoonie and I will both be back this season and this time we will be joined by the gasm’s own, incomparable, FozzieBare. Schoonie is on vacation til next week (nice timing, dude), so Fozzie and I will start Season 9 off with a live blog and begin our regular recaps on Weds (tonight). So that’s enough bs, let’s get this show on the road! Thanks for being here, and welcome to BIG BROTHER 9!!!!!

Flipit: Hey Fozz!! I can’t believe we’re talking for realsies! We’ve only spoken over email til now, so this is like our first date.

FozzieBare: I am a very cheap first date. And quite frankly, a bit of a tramp.

Flipit: No kidding. Watching TV together from different coasts while chatting on AIM. I didn’t even have to buy you a Coke.

FozzieBare: I wouldn’t complain if you bought me a coke…

Flipit: No I’m poor. But seriously. You’re hot.

FozzieBare: I am quite aware.

Booming Announcer Guy greets us for the first time this season and tells us that for the first time in history, every Houseguest is single and they will be paired up to play in teams. The season is called Til Death Do Us Part, because the teams will play together, be eliminated together, and get ragged on by us together.

Flipit: I’m glad Big Brother has finally decided to twist the dating show genre. Now if only they could all be chained together and let their parents choose their perfect fit.

FozzieBare: My grandma Yenta would rule at that game. And why exactly is the set a log cabin? Was Abe Lincoln a big reality show fan?

Flipit: I think that’s rude after the fire season we just had here in Los Angeles. It’s like one giant f u to Malibu. Wait. What am I saying? I’ll second that!

FozzieBare: That’s what they get for continuing to elect ex-TV stars as Mayor. “Ladies and gentlean, please rise for Mayor Dustin Diamond!”

Flipit: YAY CHENBOT! She’s an S&M Barbie Bot for Valentine’s Day. Black leather boots, a gold dagger broach, and a whole lotta pink. I didn’t know there were that many shades of pink. There really shouldn’t be. One is gross enough.

FozzieBare: This whole early season has to be totally messing with her circuits. “What is this thing you call love? Beedy beedy beedy.”

Flipit: I know. She needs to warm up. You shouldn’t run a computer in the cold. They crack. First up is Sheila, the older woman. A former Playmate! Like, way former. Why are slutty cougars all named Sheila? And why is she sitting at home reading a magazine with her boobs all pushed up to her chin? Put those things away!

FozzieBare: There’s nothing sadder than a former Playboy Playmate. Oh, wait. She has a kid. That’s sadder. “What does your mom do?” “She’s a FORMER beaver model.” Not even a current beaver model. For shame.

Flipit: Oh, your mom’s Sheila? I really admired her vagina back in the day. You have a lot to be proud of, kid. Hope she had a 401K.

The role of Sheila will be played by Stockard Channing.

FozzieBare: There are two out gay guys this season, Neil and Joshua. It’s so cruel to name your gay son Neil. It’s like naming your lesbian baby Spread Eagle, or your Mormon kid Missionary…..

Fozzie and Flip

FozzieBare: … A lot of the other guys seem gay too. Maybe that’s wishful thinking.

Flipit: It’s TV. Every cute guy looks gay. It’s the whole metro thing. Still so angry about that all these years later. Our grooming habits have been stolen by the guys who beat us up in school! The real tragedy is all the gay guys look like metros now. It’s a sick cycle. Joshua looks like Matthew Perry before he got all addicted to drugs and gained all that weight and then lost it and cleaned up and got all skin hangy. He always looked gay to me too.

FozzieBare: I haven’t seen this many gay guys in one house since the last time I watched C-Span. I don’t like this Metro thing. I want a guy that’s big and hairy and looks like he’s going to grudge bang me. Oh, hello Ryan.

Ryan

Flipit: Ew. Why is he so sweaty? Oh, man. There’s a DJ on this year? With a FAUXHAWK? What a cheeseball! I love it! DJ’s think they’re so hot because they still have record players. Whatever, by a cassette player already loser.

FozzieBare: The fauxhawk: it’s not just for high school lesbians anymore.

But it should be.

FozzieBare: He’s not just a DJ. He’s a party planner in Staten Island. Get a pair of headphones, rent a hall and fill the room with air fresheners to mask the scent of landfill and you’re there.

Flipit: Next up, Natalie, the bikini barista. OMG. She’s got a huge face and huge boobies. She’s hanging out a drive thru window and gaping that huge mouth at us. I can see her tonsils! Close that mouth! “I love bikinis, coffee, and God!” LOL. That should be a bumper sticker.

FozzieBare: Another Christian bikini model, just like the Virgin Mary.

Flipit: Her big mouth is making me crazy. I am really, really glad she’s on this show, though. She’s gonna be good times.

You gotta love the fact that she has cherries on her bikini top.

FozzieBare: Ever notice how many people describe themselves as “funny, energetic and caring” and how many of those people are “boring, lazy douchebags?” I immediately fear any man who lists his favorite movie, actor or pet as “The Rock.” Enter Jacob.

Jacob

Flipit: How can you not love a guy with cowlick bangs?

FozzieBare: He cheated on the love of his life so she dumped him. He loves his ex Sharon, and he loves God. I forget, does it encourage cheating in the bible, or is it against it?

Hmmmm?

Flipit: The Bible says a lot. Just take the parts you like. It’s like when you buy trail mix. Just eat the m and ms. The Bible likes wine!

FozzieBare: And riding asses. Joseph rode one all the way to Bethlehem.

Flipit: Surprise! The ex you cheated on will be in the house too, sucka! Sharon looks like she can kick my ass. I will not say anything mean about her right now.

FozzieBare: Me neither. Except that they’re like 23 and they were together for twelve years?

Flipit: The only shock here is that he only cheated once. She’s crying about it still. I’ll bet she kicked him in the balls. I’m telling you, don’t mess with her.

Sharon

FozzieBare: She’s not letting this cheating thing go. Get over it already. He shared his Puddin’ with the new redheaded girl in the sixth grade. Drop it.

Flipit: He had a note from another girl in his lunch sack. The world keeps turning. Jacob screamed like a girl when the cameras came to his house to tell him he was gonna be on the show. He won’t stray too far. No woman will keep him too long with that shriek. Take him back, Sharon!

FozzieBare: Allison is in pharmaceutical sales, which is a nice title for drug dealer. That’s like when you put “Scheduler for Executive Director” on your resume when you really mean you just slept with your boss.

Flipit: Hello thanks for coming into the restaurant. I’ll be your culinary avisor and sensory consultant for the evening. Allison’s also a gambling addict. Dealer and gambling addict. Wow that’s a sad combo. She thinks this makes her a good judge of people, I think it means she will blow her winnings on a game of canasta if she has the chance.

FozziBare: YES! I bet she’s out in 2 weeks. How much you wanna bet?

Flipit: My life savings and a bottle of Wellbutrin.

Allison

FozzieBare: Have you noticed we haven’t gotten one “but first” this whole night? I have been waiting years, or to be more accurate, months for that.

Flipit: Don’t worry. You will type it a million times. Oh God horrible angular haircut alert! And her name is Chelsia? WTF? Who names their kid that? She says it like “Chel-see-uh” so it sounds like a stripper version of the name Chelsea. I want to like her because she is apparently the “goofy” one, but she’s overstepped. And there is no way she’s twenty one. Unless she’s spent every waking hour in the sun without sunblock.

FozzieBare: She kind of looks like Candace Cameron on the last season of Full House when she started to get boobs. In other words, she looks like she’ll let you stick it anywhere. I don’t mean that the way it sounds. I’m just saying she looks like a dirty whore.

Forever 21?

Flipit: She says “I’m Chelsia, but you can call me trouble!” I’m calling you troubled. Get a haircut. Oooh look! It’s a couple who hasn’t cheated on each other yet! Fozzie’s fave bear Ryan and a super cute girl named Jen.

FozzieBare: They are keeping it hush hush though. A secret alliance at the start!

Flipit: Jen keeps opening her eyes really wide like she’s shocked and it’s annoying. What do you wanna bet she won’t be paired with the boyfriend? I wanna see her eyes then.

FozzieBare: Ryan is going to get really fat when they’re married.

Flipit: I know. They are trying to keep it a secret that they are in a relationship, but he has already let himself gain the first year forty. It’s obvious, you two. Give it up.

Jen and her eyes.

The bot introduces herself to the contestants and then lets them inside the house.

FozzieBare: I wonder if these girls will scream when they enter the house? Yep there they go.

Flipit: WoooHoooo! Girls are funny.

FozzieBare: What the hell is Allison wearing? It looks like she just ripped the sleaves of her Chanel suit. She pulled a Jamie Lee Curtis True Lies right before the show. “A bow? And ruffles? Julie will never go for this.” RIIIIPPP!

Flipit: She stole the sleeves off a jacket with an alarm on the collar after she gambled her clothes away in a game of Uno.

FozzieBare: Allison’s got a joker smile. Behind that smile is a hot tub hookup loving skank just waiting to strip out.

Flipit: I should hope so. This ain’t Oprah’s Big Give.

FozzieBare: Oh when Jacob and Sharon (the exes) saw each other! It was like Uma Thurman seeing Vivica A Fox in Kill Bill. Daggers.

Flipit: Maybe someone will get there eyes gauged out.

FozzieBare: I hope somebody gets shot from a cereal box. Let’s see Chenbot recap that.

Flipit: She’ll do it with a big electronic smile and a cord coming out of her right hand, just like always.

FozzieBare: Chicks can never play it cool. Sharon’s buzzing around with her new girlfriends trying to be subtle, but they’re all whispering really loud and obviously like junior high girls.

Flipit: This is just how it was the first episode of Season 8 with Dick and Danielle. She cried and waaaahed about how much she hated them and they ended up winning the whole thing together. If anyone in this house has a brain they would get rid of “the angry ex-couple” first.

FozzieBare: Is Jacob wearing a Home Improvement T-shirt? Everybody loves 1992 ABC up-fronts swag.

Flipit: I can’t see past the bangs. Sorry can’t help you there.

Commercials.

Flipit: I am loving this so far. I am so giddy!

FozzieBare: Me too!! Damn Celine Dion is looking more and more like comedy/tragedy masks as the years wear on.

Flipit: HAHA. Botox addiction. That’s why she’s so obsessed with babies. She wants to steal their placentas and be young forever.

The Houseguests get to know each other a little and we meet Matt and James.

Flipit: Matt works out too much and thinks he’s totally fine. Yuck. Hint. He’s not.

FozzieBare: He wants to have sex with anything that moves. If I were in that house I would lay perfectly still. Ick. The first woman he mentions is Sheila , the cougar.

Flipit: Lucky her.

FozzieBare: She’s not even a cougar. She looks more like Uncle Scarr.

Flipit: Or a walrus.

FozzieBare: She just actually clapped her hands when you said that!

Flipit: LOL. See?

FozzieBare: Matt’s bio pic is really funny. And by funny I mean ridiculous.

Flipit: He looks like a ten year old girl getting a GlamourShot.

Rico. Suave.

Flipit: Matt tells us how awesome he is and says he wants an awesome hot chick. But he also wants a really smart girl. Cut to Amanda getting a manicure and repeating really bad offensive Spanish at the Mexican manicurist. LOL. I always get a kick out of the bimbos, and I think I’m gonna like this girl.

Amanda

FozzieBare: I can see Amanda crying at the drop of her strapless bra. I’m taking bets right now that she’s the first one voted out. Or that she makes it to the bitter end. Or somewhere in the middle

Flipit: That’s quite a prediction. I am guessing you are right. Or right. Or possibly right.

FozzieBare: She has Britney’s body before Kevin Federline got her all fat and addicted to drugs. But Britney’s ass was always a ticking timebomb anyway.

Flipit: Well let’s just hope this ends as well as that did. Who let a homeless guy in the house?

If I give you a dollar will you go away?

Flipit: James dressed mannequins in Buenos Aires before giving it all up to travel the world on his bike. He describes himself as “insane and crazy”. You don’t say. He has a bad pink CrewHawk, a neon pink shirt, a shit eating grin, and jazz hands. You want a homeless person to entertain? Get the fat guy who smells like vomit that sits outside Starbucks all day getting drunk and yelling “Vote for Hillary!” This guy’s just a tool.

FozzieBare: It bet he’s only in the house as a way to hide out from the Columbia Records and Tapes bill collectors. Stupid hair didn’t work for Nakomis and it’s not gonna work for this guy. Pass. We need someone really classy now. I know! Get a papparazzo!

Parker

FozzieBare: Parker has “don’t have to tie ‘em” shoelaces hair. Marine corp? Who does he think….he just….who am I kidding? I already love him. Maybe he can redeem the paparazzi. That Adnan guy really ruined their rep.

Flipit: He has a bush on his head for camouflage. And finally, we are introduced to the big huge dumb ape of the season. I am glad to see the producers went out and got a bigger, better and gianter oaf than Zach.

FozzieBare: Adam looks like Ian Zierling.

Flipit: In a funhouse mirror.

FozzieBare: He also kind of looks like a T-rex. His visual accuity is based on movement, so everyone in the house will be fine as long as they stand completely still.

Flipit: a T-rex……..in a funhouse mirror.

FozzieBare: He looks like a moose.

Flipit: That’s his name!

Moose

Julie greets the Houseguests and tells them the twist. They will be teamed with their “soul mate”. They have been paired using very detailed personality tests. Everyone is shocked. Dun dun dunh!

Someone needs to tell the bikini barista that she’s on TV, not a dinner theater stage. And is anyone else staring at her rack?

Flipit: Extensive Personality Profiles! The twist: the producers tracked down people EHarmony rejected and put them on TV. Or they’re all being brainwashed into Scientology. They do Extensive Personality Testing too. I’ve heard. Hail Xenu!

FozzieBare: Ugh, these are the people who say things in their dating profile like, “I don’t know why I’m alone. I have so much love to give” and “my passion is gardening!” They’re gonna die alone.

Flipit: Of course the ex couple doesn’t want to be together.

FozzieBare: And of course they are.

Flipit: And of course the secret alliance couple wants to be together.

FozzieBare: And of course they’re not.

Flipit: The DJ gets his way and is teamed with Amanda. The homeless guy looks like he’s excited to be paired with anyone. They will have to be wearing some jewelry he can sell.

FozzieBare: Sheila is pissed.

Flipit: I know. It’s like she knows she is getting Moose. It’s kind of unfair to torture the older woman like that, but it’s really fun for me.

FozzieBare: The gays are paired up, and the homeless guy gets the angular haircut girl and Jen is paired with Parker. Ryan doesn’t look happy.

Flipit: He’s sweating it. Literally.

Fozzie: Like a hooker at temple.

Flipit: There is only one chick cheesy enough to be excited that she’s paired with the arrogant wearing his sunglasses at night self descirbed pretty boy, and her name is bikini barista. There truly is someone for everyone. Or is there?

FozzieBare: The last four people get stuck with sleeping bags!

Flipit: They are so trying to make Sheila have a nervous breakdown. And she’s falling for it hook, line and sinker. Allison is paired with Ryan, which leaves Moose with Shelia. Sad horns. He says “It’s you and me, ma!” And in a pack a day voice she shouts “Don’t call me ma!”

FozzieBare: Can I call you waddle?

Flipit: HA!

FozzieBare: Do you remember the waddle from Ally McBeal?

Flipit: Of course! They coined the term, didn’t they? Before that show it was just called an old flabby neck. Sheila is PISSED. You can’t really blame her. Moose keeps calling her old lady and picking his nose.

FozzieBare: Yea, but she does realize that she doesn’t have to actually marry him, right? She’s acting like they have to consumate this relationship just because they’re on a team together. Although being a former Playboy model, I can understand where she got that line of thinking.

Flipit: She was really hoping to find her true life partner. Sweet and…sad. Get a man while you’re young and naked in magazines.

In traditional BB fashion, the challenge is ridonk. One member of the pair is suspended in the air while holding onto their team mate. Whoever holds on the longest wins.

FozzieBare: Oo, a bed, rose petals and a harness! I’ve played this game before. Moose is on top and Shelia is hanging on to him. She says she’s sorry if she has bad breath…

Flipit: And he shouts that she does and it’s disgusting and she’s old and should just die already because old gross ew yuck old old. She drops on purpose.

FozzieBare; Ew. Ryan is holding onto Allison and sweating all over her.

Flipit: Gross. I sweat like that when I try to get out of the car.

FozzieBare: I sweat like that when I dial a rotary phone. Damn! The gay couple caved!

Flipit: Boo! Second ones out? Lame. Represent, boys!

FozzieBare: But it’s harder to hold a man than a woman. I know from experience. I have never been able to hold onto a man.

Flipit: You can’t hold onto a man because you won’t put your arms around one. AW! Amanda is having trouble holding onto Alex. She says she’s a big girl (?) meaning muscular and pudgy (?) and can’t hang on. Muscle’s heavy!

FozzieBare: Muscle’s heavy? So is silicone and hair. They’re out.

Flipit: The sweaty guy’s doing good even though Allison is trying to psych everyone out by hanging off him and swinging like she’s on monkey bars. Nice tactic in an endurance challenge, stupid gambler. I would sweat in her eyes on purpose.

FozzieBare: I would take some of that sweat and put it in a tiny jar around my neck. I think I really like the fat guy. Damn. They’re out. Chelsia and the homeless guy can’t seem to get into a rhythm method. Damn! She falls off and he throws the pillow in her face! Harsh.

Flipit: What did I tell you? CRAZY HOMELESS PEOPLE BELONG ON THE STREETS! Or dressing mannequins in Buenos Aires.

FozzieBare: Jen and Parker win after Jen promises to keep the remaining pair safe. Echoes of Kaysar’s fatal flaw right here. “Just let go, I promise won’t put you up.”

Flipit: Jen wants to get rid of Moose and Walrus, and Parker wants to get rid of Ryan and Allison, cuz she seems like real like smart. And that’s the show! There will be an eviction soon and I am already hooked.

FozzieBare: No new episode Thursday this week so we have to wait until Sunday to see how this whole ‘Til Death thing plays out. God knows it worked out for that tall, goofy sonsabastard from Raymond.

Flipit: God I hate that show. They should put lock him in a house filled with back waxers. I’d season pass it. Well gasmii, see you tomorrow! And have fun on Sunday, Fozz! LOVE!

FozzieBare: Night, puddin’.