Big Brother: The Donkey and the Elephant Are Both Losers

Tonight on Big Brother, I thought I missed the double elimination because of the stupid election coverage running late and got really really mad and ate half a pizza and then BB came on after all and I felt really guilty and vowed to start dieting again tomorrow. Thankfully, I wasn’t wearing my cross when I made the vow cuz it’s technically tomorrow now and I still have half a pizza in the fridge.

Barack, John, you are both evicted.

The bot comes out wearing respectful black in honor of tonight’s double elimination, but to add a little danger she’s got pieces of C-3PO around her neck that she won in a street fight.

He probably called her Mrs. Chen.

The booming announcer guy tries to explain Dan’s “strategy” of promising all the HOH power to Goal Weight Rerun and putting his own partner on the block. He lucked out with a Memphis win and broke the second half of his promise to Rerun, putting Michelle on the block. Then Michelle cursed and yelled at the cameras and developed an accent at least seventy percent thicker than before she was put up.

The bot explains the rules of the double eviction. First, Jerry or Michelle will be out, followed by an HOH comp, followed by a veto comp, followed by another eviction, followed by a dance off. This is so slanted in Jerry’s favor.

In blue screen, replacement nominee roulette is rehashed, where Dan gave everyone a choice of who to put up. Now, here’s where I got confused.

Michelle says Keesha

Keesha says Michelle

Ollie says Renny

Renny says Ollie

Then Dan said “Ollie you lost the bet, that means Michelle, you’re going on the block.” I don’t get it. The votes were all even, which doesn’t justify putting Michelle on the block. Dumbest game of roulette ever. The funnest part of Russian roulette is the part where the person who initiates it shoots himself in the head. When he doesn’t play and uses the gun to shoot someone else, it’s called murder. That said, I am proud of Catholic Dan for breaking his word, going against his ridonk master plan and putting up Michelle, because otherwise we wouldn’t have this:

Rerun is upset, but since he doesn’t know very many words, he just says “disrespect” because it’s kinda the catchphrase of the season. Dan says it was his plan to cause chaos in the house and keep the target off his back. I say Dan has no plan and he is lucky and prayer works. Jerry knew Dan was a no good Judas, but no one listened to him and now Michelle’s screwed. Jerry’s plan is to do and say absolutely nothing because Michelle’s a fucking psycho and will dig her own grave.

Cut to Michelle with a giant shovel, yelling at the cameras about how not stupid she is. LOL. When she’s done, she’s excused so the poor camera man can wipe all the spit off his face. You don’t wanna get TB working a crappy diary room camera gig. Michelle goes to the little girls room to talk to Jerry and Rerun. Rerun is convinced that Dan’s a plant, and he’s gonna cause some shit and confront him in front of everyone.

He finds Dan outside with the rest of the HG’s and starts yelling and shouting about how Dan’s a plant and JFK was shot by twelve people and 9/11 was really orchestrated by the Bush twins because they wanted their parents to get involved in a war and let them be so they could party like it’s 1999. Renny stays silent and Memphis rolls his eyes while Keesha plays with her hair. Sensing that their side isn’t being taken seriously, Michelle shouts that the picture of Dan’s football team in the HOH room is a fake because no one who wants to win at that game would put so many tiny wimps on one team. Dan walks away and goes upstairs, telling us he would be an idiot to light a bomb and then stand right next to it when it blows up. I wonder if they get this show in the Middle East. War over. 9/11 and suicide bomber jokes in one paragraph. Sorry, I just watched Obama promise me free rent and flying Lizas if I vote for him, so my minds a little politicized. The presidential elections should take a cue from how this show works. It would be easier to root for someone if you saw them eat a pig’s ear and get crapped on by fake birds first.

Free Little Caesars for EVERYOOONNNNE!

Rerun gets more and more worked up and spills the beans on the deal with Dan. He was supposed to get to pick a nominee (Memphis), he was supposed to get to keep Michelle safe, and he was supposed to get to pick the replacement nominee. And then he lied! HE LIED! OMG YOU GUYS WHY AREN’T YOU FURIOUS? Once he’s run out of things to shout about that no one reacts to, he just starts yelling “I’m supposed to be HOH! I’M HOH!!” When he takes a moment to breathe and come up with some new words, Keesha laughs and says “so basically you’re telling me that you wanted me to go on the block instead of Michelle, and I’m supposed to be mad?” Rerun says yes, she should be mad because Dan’s a liar and there are two headed Mexican babies hidden at Area 51. Memphis asks Rerun what makes him think that Dan’s alliance didn’t know what he was up to, which causes Rerun to call him a “red headed Cabbage Patch Kid” and storm inside. Well, that explains the name. You don’t meet many bartenders named Memphis Willa Jean.

Man Rerun’s an idiot. Did he really think he was gonna turn the house by telling them that they should be mad at Dan for not making them lose? Dumdum. Rerun gets to the HOH suite and asks Dan why he took him for a fool. Dan restrains from answering that it was because Rerun is in fact a big dodo bird and says it’s just a game and he wants to score some points. Rerun says that he was embarrassed in front of millions of people and Dan tested his manhood. Dan says nothing. What can he say? Grades are in. You got an F in manhood. Summer school time.

Although you did have a point about the Cabbage Patch thing.

Later, Renny, Keesha and Memphis hang with Dan in the HOH and Renny, the only one who seems to know the rules of Russian roulette, asks Dan if that whole stupid game was really necessary. Then they see on the TV that Rerun is getting violent and throwing shit around. He breaks a candy dish. A candy dish? DANGEROUS. Was there not a pillow handy? Then he goes outside and throws the weight bar, screaming about roulette and coverups and aliens. April, don’t ever forget to bring home the milk.

Michelle goes up to the HOH suite and Dan says he’ll only let her in if she doesn’t yell. HA. She’s calm for now, she just wants to know why he did that to her? Uh, cuz you’re on the other side? Dipshit. He says nothing, and then she starts repeating the question in a very loud but not yelling voice. She wants to know why he wouldn’t put up Muhammad Ali and Dan reminds her that Ali isn’t in the house, he’s somewhere in Arizona staring at a wall. Michelle keeps her not yelling promise and instead makes her way to the diary room to sob at us in a really low grovelly man voice about how she would rather be put up because she’s a good player, or carries around the lingering smell of hamsters and turtles. But no reason? WHYYYY??? Michelle, you should never ever sob in public. I just had a flashback to the drag episode of Project Runway. But this is way sadder and less sparkly.

He was too lazy to make sleeves.

The bot welcomes the HG’s to the living room and breaks the news about the double eviction. Rerun starts clapping. I don’t really know what to say to that, except that now that April’s gone we get Rerun’s personality all to ourselves, and I actually want April back. The two nominees get to state their cases. Jerry says that he’s old and has been through a lot and if he gets voted out then this will just be a pot hole in the road of life. Never mind that a pot hole could cause a 75 year old man whiplash or even a concussion, Jerry just wants to make sure that people vote how they want to. As long as it’s not for Hillary. If they keep him, he promises to try and fit one more logo on him next week.

Maybe a JUICY on the ass?

Michelle says in the nicest, womanliest way she can muster, that she is grateful to have been there. Then she slips into the more gravelly drag voice and says that people should vote for themselves and not for the person next to them. If it benefits the person next to them for her to stay, then…wait. If it benefits them for the person next to them to vote…no. If you guys wanna (choke gasp cry gasp) vote for…next to you… flying Lizas waaaahhhhhh.

Well said. The bot cuts her off and gets voting underway. Keesha votes against Michelle. Memphis does too. Rerun votes to evict Jerry and then throws a Snickers Bar at the camera. Renny stays with her team and with a “Michelle, I love you dowaling”, evicts Michelle. The bot breaks the news to Michelle, who hugs Jerry and Keesha and Renny and Rerun but not Dan. Sorry to be a perv, but have Keesha’s boobs always been this big?

I’m just saying.

And while I’m pointing stuff out, look who’s in the audience!!

Holla, B-Side! Love ya miss ya call me!

ChenChen asks Michelle why she thinks she became the target this week and Michelle tries to not break down while answering that Dan’s been after her the whole time and she thinks he’s a plant. Then she says “one plus one doesn’t equal two to Dan”. LOL. I don’t think that’s what she meant to say, but it’s very astute nonetheless. She thinks that Dan’s not just playing a game, he’s trying to make everyone look stupid and turn them against each other. Nice work, Sherlock. If you’d have come to that conclusion last week you could have told Rerun to hold on a little bit longer. The bot tells her that Dan was in fact not a plant and she is sitting here purely because of game play and a really annoying constant sob. Now is that considered a lie? I know Dan was only America’s player for a week, but he did get Jessie sent home that week, which couldn’t have helped Michelle any. Shady shit right there.

Anyway, upon hearing this sack o crap, Michelle surmises that Dan is just crazy then and he will be sitting in the eviction seat later tonight. Chen asks her if she thinks Dan is scared and Michelle says that yes he is scared of her and she doesn’t know why. First of all, that wasn’t the question, and second, you don’t? Really? I know why I’m scared of you.

Jessie? Jessie are you there? Kiss me. KISS ME. And feed the ferret. LOVE YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!

Chen calls her out for having a temper and Michelle says she’s on her best behavior. LOL. Chen doesn’t believe that Michelle’s behavior can get any worse in real life but says at least she understands now why Michelle is chronically single. The HOH competition is a quiz show about headlines from the future. Audience members went online and voted for who they thought fake headlines fit the most.

Headline: “Houseguest gets lost coming home from work.” It’s between Jerry and Keesha, but everyone knows that no one who wears jorts as much as Jerry does is employed. Everyone but Renny chooses Keesha. Then Renny steps off the platform, thinking she’s out. LOL Ren. The bot laughs condescendingly and moves on.

Headline: “Houseguest headlines comedy tour.” It’s between Renny and Jerry’s balls. Memphis is the only one that guesses Jerry’s giant balls, which makes him even with Renny, one point behind the others.

Headline: “Houseguest called a hero for saving a child from a burning building.” Uhh, really? It’s between Dan and Rerun, and everyone but Jerry chooses Rerun!! I hope Dan’s paying attention, because that’s pretty telling. I love that Jerry hates Dan the most but believes he’s a hero. How sweet!

Headline: “Houseguest entrusted with National Security Secret”. It’s between Memphis and Jerry. Memphis is the only one that thinks he would be trusted. I would guess Memphis too, since he works in a bar and our President has been known to choke on a peanut or two and fall off the stool in his time. Dammit these elections are really starting to get to me.

Headline: “Houseguest’s life is made into a movie.” It’s between Jerry and Renny. Renny is the only one to choose herself. Atta girl! Come on people. They already made Jerry’s story into a movie.

This puts Jerry in the lead with 4, Keesha, Rerun and Renny tied at 3, and Memphis way behind with 1.

Headline: “Houseguest arrested by the fashion police.” It’s between Rerun and Memphis. That’s a tough one, but Rerun stops his idiocy with the hats. And sure enough, Memphis it is, and he didn’t guess it. He is shocked that he got it wrong. I love this game. Keesha and Jerry were the only ones to get it right.

Jerry’s ahead with 5! Headline: “Houseguest beats Jessie in arm wrestling competition.” It’s between Dan and Keesha. She gets it right and that leaves her and Jerry tied for a lighting round. Oh man, I’m actually kinda nervous. The question is how many times did April and Rerun have sex without a condom? Jerry guesses 100 and so does Keesha!! The answer was two hundred and eighteen. Dang. No wonder she thought she was pregnant. They are still tied so they get another question. If you add up all the seconds it took for Jerry’s lectures based on Moses and old cows, how many seconds would there be? Jerry answers 320 and Keesha answers infinity. Keesha wins!!! YES! I was worried it was gonna be Jerry, which would most likely mean Rerun would be safe. I cannot respect someone who throws candy against the wall with DISRESPECT.

Keesha is forced to nominate immediately, and she puts Jerry and Rerun up, but with tears and huge boobs, which eases the pain somewhat. And Rerun, you might want to try some positive visualization. I don’t believe in that crap either, but you would look way less like a stupid little brat whose mom refused to get him new Paddington Bear hat.

It’s because I’m prettier than her.

The veto comp is to find two veto medallions in a haystack first. Dan finds the first one, and Renny is the second. Unfortunately, Keesha and Memphis are right after her and they run faster to their buzzers. No matter, because Dan finds the second veto and wins. The audience goes nuts, and Rerun starts screaming “I HAVE THE POWER OF VETO! I DO!” and calling people My Little Ponies. Inside the house, Dan is given a few moments to strategize. Where did Keesha’s tooth go? Don’t strike the haystack set! Girl’s missin a tooth!

This needs to go on the Employee of the Month Wall at Hooters.

Rerun goes to the other room and sulks/prays. I don’t know if it’s because he’s about to go home or if he was even in contention for the worst dressed award. Jerry gets to give his speech first. He talks about pot holes and reminds everyone that he is very old and frail. Rerun has hay in his mouth and suggests Dan play another game that doesn’t make any sense to decide who gets off the block. Dan declines the offer and keeps the nominations the same. Dan votes to evict Rerun and so do Renny and Memphis. Memphis, however, does it with a popped collar, like he’s blacking out the fashion police thing.

That’s much better.

Before ChenChen is done with her announcement, Rerun gets up and walks straight out the door throwing a half assed good luck over his shoulder. He comes out to the stage with attitude and sits down without even taking off his hat. How rude! In the house, Jerry assures everyone that he has no sour grapes and is proud of them and please don’t get rid of me pleaseeeeeeee. Dan says he wants to talk to Jerry on a personal level. I actually just slapped my knee for reals. I’m sure that’s gonna happen real soon. Memphis tells him it’s no longer about alliances, it’s about winning competitions, and Jerry says that he could have won and everything would be different. Uh, good point there, thinker.

The bot calls Rerun out on bolting, and he puts on a smile and tries to be nice. He says that he’s not upset with Dan, he’s just confused and thinks that the other houseguests will hold his lies against him later. He still hasn’t thought that one through. He lied to YOU, dumbass. Julie says that Dan betrayed him and asks if that was any different than Rerun betraying the cell phone salesman the first week. Rerun agrees that it’s the same. “It’s an eye for an eye or a toof for a toof.” Then he says that he thought he and Dan were even because Dan gave him “da okey doke. He gave me da okey doke.” He finishes his interview with a big smile and says that he hopes April will be his girlfriend because she seems like she can take it when he goes into a rage and throws junk food at her head. I know you can only call someone a douchebag so many times, so for this last time, I will let his screen grab say it for me.

Bizyezye!