On this glorious Sunday’s Big Brother, there’s a lot of yelling and screaming and really, really poor English.
Michelle is furious after her pretend boyfriend gets the boot, and tells us that she’s so enraged she’s seeing red. So are we honey, and it just inspired me to do ten pushups.
I only got to four, but I appreciate the push.
She wishes that she could go back in time to bag a real boyfriend before the mustache started growing to not put so much wax on the paper before she unevenly obliterated her eyebrows to blow a sedative dart in her giant beefy milky white prince and have Dan read off some vows while she still had the chance of not spending the rest of her life alone with four cats, three dogs, six birds, two gerbils, assorted cockroaches and a turtle.
Keesha is very proud of herself for getting Jessie out. When she’s evicted, she’ll see that America’s vote was the final nail in Jessie’s coffin, but until then, it’s cute to see her feeling like all those nights of slinging hot wings and pints in a water bra and short shorts were only the prologue to her ultimate destiny of screeching and cursing until she bends everyone in the world to her will. POWER! BWAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAA! Sorry forgot your side of fries brb.
April is disgusted by Jessie’s eviction because everyone promised to do what she said. “I threw up a little bit in my mouth!” And Rerun still hit it. The house is completely silent for a long time, except for the sound of Michelle’s cheap shoes stomping all over the place. Jessie’s picture turns to black and white and Libra stands there and watches it, openly laughing her ass off. In the diary room, she composes a beat poem, entitled “My Nostrils Are Giant When I’m Happy”:
Put me in a White Bright commercial, honey
Cuz I was ready to see him hit. The. Road.
Shake em while you bake em.
Don’t let the door hit ya.
Somewhere in LA, Russell Simmons turned the channel in disgust.
Jerry can’t even focus on Libra because he is busy staring down Dan. He tells us that Dan has disrespected him and hidden behind his cross, which is way worse than hiding behind a uniform, apparently. Jerry doesn’t respect him because what he did was disrespectful and he won’t be disrespected without respect. Jesus, with that word. I think someone should just start saying something random like “zipper” a lot to see if it catches on.
There’s no age limit on Big Brother, but there should be one on sleeveless tees.
Michelle stomps up to April and whisper yells that Dan can go to hell. He could, but we all know he won’t because he has a giant crucifix on at all times and Satan totally hates those. April can’t believe the girls turned on her “after I saved their asses last week!” That was so sweet of April to only nominate two people instead of the entire house, wasn’t it? I mean, not to put two members of her own alliance on the block really took a lot of good will.
Goal Weight Rerun, after finally figuring how to decode that tough three finger math he was working on at the end of the last episode, has realized what went wrong. He tells April that “just so you know, they flipped it! They flipped that one!” Good call, Goal Weight! I look forward to more HGs getting the boot so Rerun has some more screen time. He really comes up with some gems. April is ready to passive aggressively kick some ass, and she’s not gonna let him hold her back. She says the line’s been drawn so she doesn’t care what comes out of Michelle’s mouth in the next few minutes, she’s gonna be right there in the front row nodding her head and staring at the floor in defiance of her betrayers. Libra doesn’t seem to know that a storm’s even a brewin’. She is in the kitchen whispering to Memphis “we got you! We need you!” Like he’s the new city council man she helped get elected and now she’s expecting him to make good on his campaign promise of banning those darn metallic balloons that float into power grids and cause blackouts. He just shrugs and looks all pasty in response.
Meanwhile, Michelle has furiously paced to the bathroom, where she talks into the mirror like Jessie’s been imprisoned behind it. She promises to get revenge on all the disrespect shown him and tells him she will do his best to turn the mirrors around so he can at least stare at himself a little bit while stuck in purgatory with the rubber aliens.
Woah. Back up. It’s dinner hour here.
Flashback to Michelle winning HOH and Jerry screaming “Screw you people! Don’t you hide behind your cross with me, buddy!” I don’t really see the big deal in what Dan did. Taking money to betray people is pretty biblical. It’s not like he sealed it with a kiss or anything gay like that. Flashback of Michelle screaming her victory scream and taking the best picture she’s taken this entire season.
If this was your profile pic on Match.com you might be putting food down for an actual man instead of running a Petco out of your apartment.
Dan tells us that he prides himself on never lying and he only has himself to blame for lying to people this time. However, he didn’t wear his cross while he did it so at least he didn’t betray Catholicism. Why didn’t all those pedophile priests come up with that one? Would have saved the Catholic Church millions. Sure they raped lots of kids, but they weren’t Catholics at the time. They woke up, put on their crucifixes and did their jobs the next morning, what’s the prob? Cut to shots of Dan alone in the pantry looking into the camera and taking the cross off before he does his dirty deed. He tells us that it was extremely difficult to do it because it represents his religion. A CROSS? THAT’S CRAZY! I guess it’s easier than a crown of thorns. He also says it was the first time in his life he removed it, and then he tries and fails to squeeze a couple out for the cameras. We have seen a man commit his first sin ever on national TV. I hope he keeps the cross off for awhile so he can murder someone and make out with a couple of dudes before he goes back to being perfect.
Keesha knows that Michelle’s pissed that she sent Jessie “packing to his real girlfriend”. HAHA. And pissed Michelle is. Finally, the ranting and raving starts in the kitchen, where Michelle and April sit together smirking. Michelle says that Renny was commenting just this morning about how Michelle stayed up all night to listen to the taped messages from America. Renny doesn’t seem to know what Michelle means, but she tells her that she didn’t say anything derogatory so “Don’t fuck with me!” Then Michelle says “WHAT?” and Renny screams “WHAT?” and Michelle screams “WHAT! WHAT’D I SAY?” and Renny screams “What you said!” LOL. This season is giving us some awesome giant fights and you can’t follow a damn one of them. It kind of reminds me of that show Orangutan Island on Animal Planet, where the apes screech and throw shit at each other and knock each other out of trees. You can’t literally transcribe what’s coming out of their mouths, but it’s still fun to watch cuz someone ends up covered in crap.
Renny screams out a few more F bombs and leaves. Michelle is still riled up though, so she yells into the other room that she knows exactly who the four votes against Jessie were so everyone can stop hiding. Keesha and Libra walk right in shaking their heads and smiling and saying they aren’t afraid of a big desperate Portuguesa with chola hair, stripper heels and untiahd and then they all start screeching at each other. Libra calls April out for suddenly being all buddy buddy with Michelle, which infuriates April enough to stand up and call LIbra a liar. I should point out that April is literally standing right behind Michelle while she yells. If you’re gonna use a human shield, it’s wise to find one built like a brick wall.
Both Michelle and April scream liar liar as Libra walks away. When she gets almost all the way to her door, April finally comes out from behind the wall of gina and screams “good job swearing on your kids, you bitch!” Libra marches right back to her screaming that she never did such a thing. April, already in the open, gets the balls to start screaming and rolling her head back at Libra, which is awesome. They basically just scream yes you did and no I didn’t back and forth for awhile. Libra starts to leave again and Michelle screams after her that she didn’t even care enough about her kids to read a letter from them. Sure, they’re only five months and four years old, but Michelle’s family most likely won’t write much better and she’ll cherish her letter! How sweet. Too bad you can’t cherish it in Hawaii, ho!
Jerry, not one to be left out of childish fighting, starts bellowing about how he paid social security tax all his life and he only gets enough every week to buy aspirin and diapers. Oh yeah, and also he shouts that Libra’s a “dummy”, which in today’s language, what with inflation and all, is the c word to him. Libra sees that there’s no walking away from this one so she walks to the couch and has a seat while informing Jerry that she isn’t dumb and graduated Magna Cum Laude from Rice Motherfuckin University. He tells her to stop speaking Spanish and then waves his underarms at her until she gets sick and silent. Michelle screams that she doesn’t care and Libra screams that she doesn’t care and Michelle screams that she doesn’t care and Libra screams that she doesn’t care and she’s talking to Jerry anyway. Then Jerry shouts “you don’t do nothin’ for me!” Jerry is just as much of a screechy non sensical bitch as everyone else in this house, and I’m proud that he can keep up. Catholics, gays, black people, Hooters waitresses and Applebee’s bartenders all over the world feel ashamed when they see themselves portrayed on Big Brother. Why should old people get off easy? Meanwhile, since he’s already taken the first step toward a sinful life, Dan is in the bedroom with a pillow over his head learning how to make out.
Hold on let me take of my cross.
Someone finally asks where Dan is, and Michelle says that he’s probably burning right now. She adds that he should take off his cross and get rid of his Bible, and Jerry says that he should be praying. April agrees, saying he’s a disgrace to…(the rest was muted out. Thank goodness the editors wouldn’t let a word like “Jesus” or “Christian” be uttered by someone not wearing a giant crucifix. Standards, people. Standards.) Memphis can’t believe that someone would start saying something derogatory about another person’s faith. Actually, they’re saying something derogatory about the person, not his faith, but who cares? Memphis now has a reason to be a self righteous. He says where he comes from, you’d get punched in the face for talking like that. Bartenders for Religious Freedom. It’s almost as bad as suggesting someone who claims to be a stud that gets all kinds of gifts from women a womanizer! THE HORROR! Commercial break.
There’s this really crappy looking show called The Ex List coming to CBS about some girl who doesn’t understand why she can’t keep a man.
Season Finale spoiler alert: IT’S YOUR GIANT FOREHEAD. The end.
When we come back from break, Dan is getting to third base with the pillow. Memphis comes in and waits for him to zip up before he starts going off (in a whispery kind of way) about what an arrogant ass April is and how he can’t believe people on Big Brother are acting like such children. Dan, who is wearing only shirts that cover up his crucifix from now on so God can’t see it just in case he has to sin in the future.
Dan knows that Memphis has Michelle’s ear, so he is hoping that he will slide by another week. Memphis seems to be on the same page. Now that that’s out of the way, he leaves Dan to finish what he started with the pillow. Memphis’ next stop is the pet lady, who thinks that he has promised the other side how to make a proper Jack and coke in order to stay in the house. He promises that he only swore to keep them off the block this week and he never said one shitty thing about Jessie. She doesn’t look convinced, so he says that Jessie told him he liked facial hair and that seems to get her happy again.
She goes to find Jessie, who has now been interrupted twice. That poor pillow can’t get an orgasm to save it’s life. Michelle asks him kind of nicely if he’s really a teacher. Then she tells him that Jessie was sticking up for him and didn’t want to put him up on the block. Yeah, but HE DID put him up on the block, ass. Dan doesn’t say that. He whines and does that same fake mope cry thing he did when he told us about taking off the cross for the first time ever, saying that he did it because he’s a weak player and can’t win anything and a big group of people told him that was how to win and he’s dumb and he’s sorry and he knows he’s going home and has to live with that and btw Jessie told him he liked chicks with facial hair.
Michelle lightens up a bit at that one and says that it’s normal to lie and cheat and steal in this game, but it’s only ok to do it if you’re on her side. How could you be a bastard for people who would “throw you on the bus like that?” Finally, a twist to that stupid reality show lingo. I don’t like you so I’m not gonna give you a ride. I’m gonna throw you on the bus to ride with poor people until you learn your lesson. It’s way more civilized than throwing someone under the bus. Yay manners. He agrees and she leaves, saying that he should come up and talk to her if he feels like it. Why is it that no matter what a man does, a woman will turn on another woman first?
Later, in the kitchen, Libra plays it smooth. She asks Michelle if she’s invited to see the HOH suite, and Michelle says she would be offended if Libra didn’t go and it’s just a game. Libra applauds that because she feels the same way. WTF? These women are insane. Michelle says that she wants Libra to see her mother and where she came from because it might explain how she got to be such a good person. Libra’s like yay Michelle let’s have lunch! Then they make out.
Time to see the room! Shockingly, there’s a giant bag of Doritos and freshly cut pig’s ears in the gift basket and pictures of pets on the walls. The biggest surprise is that April’s not the only one with a twin!
Grooming can only change so much.
April squeals and jumps up and down like she and Michelle have been besties forever. She says her family looks so nice, and pig’s ears are her favorite too, and she loves pets…when she says that Michelle’s brother is hot, though, Memphis rolls his eyes and tells us that April is the fakest a hole ever.
Alright, that’s enough.
Michelle’s letter is from her brother, and everyone stays to hear it.
We’ve been watching Big Brother and we saw that you’re on it! We totally thought you just made it up so you could take a secret trip to Portugal and promise Dad’s big screen TV as a dowry to farm boys and then act like you found your one true love, like that time you picked up one of the migrant workers in front of Home Depot and planned a wedding. Too bad he learned what “forever” meant, huh? That was hilarious. Congrats on that giant gay dude. He seems like he can totally be tricked into marrying you if you phrase the proposal just right (use really big words!), and if not, there’s always the Home Depot parking lot, eh? Anyhoo, love you miss you. The animals are all fine but the turtle looks like it’s always crying. Come home soon cuz honestly if I have to pick up one more bag of dogshit I’m gonna kill myself.
Love, your brother.
PS There’s a tube of Veet hidden under the deer jerky. Don’t turn into your sister! xo
Renny starts crying and kisses Michelle on the cheek. Michelle asks if anything’s wrong, but Renny (who is clutching a jar of Ragu) leaves to sob alone. Everyone congratulates Michelle on being hands down the saddest thirtysomething ever, and Libra comes up and gives her a big hug and says “way to compete!” Oh, Libra, you’re so smooth. Downstairs, Renny sobs in bed because she misses her marching band. Dan comes in and hugs her. He’s followed by Keesha, who’s sucking on a lollipop. She says “I know! It’s hard!” Then she walks right back out with her lollipop back in her mouth. LOL.
Up in the HOH suite, Michelle, Jerry and April talk about how Dan’s a lying snake. Jerry repeats the same ole same ole about not getting any social security and Dan hiding behind the cross. Michelle says she’s religious too but you don’t see her acting like that. Then she talks about what a terrible mother and a bitch Libra is. This show makes religion sound fun. April, not to be left out, reminds them of how she screamed at Libra and accused her of swearing on her children. She won’t stop until Michelle pats her on the head. Jerry, noticing for the first time that April’s even in the room, looks at her chest and licks his dry crackly lips. Downstairs, Libra looks really calm, content and happy.
The food competition takes place in the living room, which has been set up to look like a game show set. Rerun says that he’s very excited to compete today “to win food within the house”. Well said. HGs from past seasons will be here to play, and the cheezy cell phone salesman who was evicted the first week of this season pops up as the game show host. He looks even shlubbier than Drew Carey, which is quite a feat.
Even the wardrobe department hates this guy.
The object is to guess which news items from the outside world are true or false after an ex-HG pitches them. The players: Season One: Chicken George. Still frightening. Season Two: Bunky. He makes fun of himself for crying. I make fun of him for the name Bunky. Season Three: Amy. She still thinks she is a beauty queen. She is still sooooo not.
Beauty Queens don’t have to use a table to support their elbows as they wave, you drunk. Ask to borrow Jerry’s rubber band things. Look what they’ve done for him!
Season Four: Jun. Most likely still an asshole. But now she’s a frumpy asshole. Season Five: Jase. When he’s done peeing on the guest stand, I realize that this is actually a beautiful picture of two military men standing together.
This is a proud day for America.
Season 6: Janelle. This girl is going to be on this show until she dies or it does. And I’m totally fine with that. Rerun gives her a standing ovation and starts shouting that he’s the virgin son of a preacher man and could use a little schooling. April shoots daggers at him, but his rock hard penis deflects them. Season 7: Mike Boogie. We’ve seen him get genital warts removed on national television, and now we get to smell his b.o. Thanks, Groedner!
Yup, still grodie.
Season 8: Jenius. Still has giant boobs, and most likely Boogie’s warts. Season 9: Matty (and Natalie, who is scaling the fence). The current HG’s are playing for food, and the old ones are playing for cash. Dan goes first and he chooses Boogie as the exG to tell him the truth. The question: Did Brett Favre really come out of retirement and join the NY Jets? Boogie says that since Dan is a football coach, he should guess that it is in fact true. Dan, poor thing, being the coach of the tiniest football team ever, guesses false, which is of course wrong. Not too embarrassing though. Who knew Favre would turn out to be such a douche? Oh, Dan. You should have asked Boogie if he was wearing a crucifix before you answered.
Renny’s next and her exG is Jenius, who says Renny’s her favorite. They have both been publicly told to shut up so many times the camaraderie is to be expected. Jen gives Renny the right answer and Renny trusts her. Nice to see Renny win something. If only she did it in a boa. And not doing awkward jumping jacks to the Benny Hill theme. After her jig, Renny waits to hear what she won. Michelle groans “we get food, Renny.” Hilarious.
Jerry chooses Janelle, who keeps calling him Evel. Must be the arms. He says she’s gorgeous and hoots and hollers and makes air humping gestures. She calls him hot, and I press pause to make a tiny cut on my inner thigh. The question is about Jessie. Did he get offered the cover of Men’s Fitness? Janelle says that Jessie didn’t get the offer and PS he’s not that cute. LOL. Michelle pushes over the flat screen and production halts until a new one is brought in. We’re back. Jerry decides not to trust Janelle. Moron. Dan rolls his eyes and points out that it’s only been like eight hours since Jessie was evicted. Jerry is pissed off, and Janelle apologizes for giving him the correct answer. He waves his arms and calls her a dummy.
Next you’re gonna tell me that you went to college, too. F ing women.
Memphis chooses Amy. The question is if China banned fat sweaty bald cabbies during the Olympics. Amy says it’s true, but since she’s kind of a jackass and that story is so fucking wrong, Memphis calls her a liar. IT’S TRUE!!! LOLOLOLLLLLL China. Who says that country has no sense of humor? Rerun is mad at that one because bald people should have rights too. Yeah, you Nic Cage and Bruce Willis should form a coalition or something. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Rerun, Nic Cage and Bruce Willis were banned from China during the Olympics? Someone needs to take a stand, and China: I believe in you.
Rerun is next and he chooses Matty, who he calls a pimp. He says that he’s trying to be like Matty this season. HA. April just smiles, like she wasn’t just called a manipulated ho in front of the country. Michelle gets mad cuz she called dibs on Matty the psycho magnet. He tells her he’ll help her after the show. EW. Michelle starts crying and telling him about the big screen TV dowry. Rerun asks where Nat is and Matt jokes that she’s hiding in the bushes because the producers are trying to limit the religious hypocrites to two per season from now on.
The question is “Does China really claim they can prevent rainfall?” Matty says China has invented a laser that shoots satellites to prevent rain. Rerun says a lot and I can’t understand him. Something about ladies and red tickets. Anyway, he thinks Matt’s full of shit. And the story is true! Dear China, fucking SERIOUSLY? Libra chooses Bunky. The story is that Cheech and Chong are reuniting for a tour. Bunky promises that he isn’t lying and reminds her that in his season he wasn’t a liar. He says the story is true. Since “Who gives a crap?” isn’t an acceptable answer, Libra decides to stick with her mistrust of humanity and calls him a liar. And she loses! Dumbass. Renny seems to be the only one who even knows who Cheech and Chong are, and just the thought of the old stoners brings a smile to her face. There’s a shocker.
Michelle chooses Jace. The story is that BB simulated an earthquake to freak out the cast, and Jace says that California did indeed suffer an earthquake. Some of the HGs did think it was faked, which is hilarious. Like Grodner would spend that kind of cash. None of the exGs have lied, so Michelle says the story is false. And she’s right! Of all the people to break the pattern, Chicken George lies to April and says that Britney Spears is in fact going to record a country album, and she believes him! See, George? And you didn’t even have to say you were a virgin. It’s the first time he’s lied, and it’s the first time he’s won something. What have we learned? April’s a moron. Correct.
Later, Memphis goes up to the HOH to talk to Michelle. She won’t tell him anything except that she doesn’t trust anyone including him even though he’s currently the cutest and most f able man in the house. He starts stammering and leaves to go down to agree with Renny and Keesha that April’s a fake bitch. Renny decides it’s time to make a play and goes up to the HOH suite. Michelle is a bitch to her and says that Jessie would really love seeing this. Renny ignores it and points out that Jessie would be here to enjoy it with her had April not put him up and refused to tell Jerry to use the veto on him. Michelle whines that she hasn’t been in the loop. Hard to be in the loop when you’re up Jessie’s crack, dumdum. Renny may be on Michelle’s shit list, but she’s the first person who’s made a valid point this whole episode. April made a promise to Michelle at the end of the HOH comp last week and then turned right around and nominated Jessie. How has that not been mentioned?
While we’re on the subject of unmentioned stuff, did you know that Cheryl Ladd is a frequent sufferer of heartburn? Now you do! Hawt.
Michelle stares at the wall of headshots while all the HGs tell us who they want to go up on the block. It’s just a rehash of what we already know, but one thing’s missing. Besides Dan’s aureolas.
Second time in his life.
Michelle, being the wise player that she is, doesn’t nominate the guy who was the final vote against her fake boyfriend or the chick who put her fake boyfriend on the block or the old dude who didn’t save her fake boyfriend. She chose the bad mom who stole her hard earned Hawaiian vacation and the Hooters waitress with even eyebrows. Those bitches got no respect. I’m glad, though, because this means that Libra will actually have to PLAY and Keesha will break down and start freaking out, and that’s when she’s the most enjoyable. YAY! So how do you guys feel? Disrespected much?