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Previously, on Big Brother: events required me to root for Jameka and Zach, because 1) Jessica and Eric sort of messed up a couple of weeks ago, and 2) America humbly requested that they do so. So now I have to root for the Big Brother equivalent of Whoever Is Playing The Yankees. So thanks. Jerks.
My daddy’ll make you pay!
We flashback to Eric and Jessica getting evicted from the house. Daniele tells us that it was no longer in her best interests to keep Jessica and Eric around the house, which would be correct. I begrudgingly tip my hat to her giant scary face. Eric is all emotional in the Diary Room as he tells us that Dick and Daniele “will need armed security” if Jess gets evicted, because he is going to be “a monster”. Apparently an impotent monster who doesn’t win anything and embarrasses himself by telling a girl he loves her on live television. He does sort of look like a Mogwai in some ways. Don’t feed Eric after midnight!
Eric tells Daniele and Dick that they could have just told him that she was going. And why wouldn’t they do that? They’ve been nothing but honest the entire time about everything. Like they say, their game has been so honest and straight forward so far! Jameka tells us that she’s still here because she made a deal with ED. She doesn’t know that Jess was going home anyway and Dick was just taking advantage of the situation, but in the workout room, Dick makes her promise not to put him up with Daniele from this point onward, and then Ambers the deal by making her promise her firstborn as well. Jameka has no choice but to take the deal, even though you can tell it makes her want to throw up a little in her mouth. On a side note, how gross is it that these people have let the Donatos make it so far together that all that has to happen is that they can’t go up together and they still get to dominate the game? Dumbasses. When does Survivor start?
Flashback to Thursday’ HOH competition. Dick cops to the fact that he was just guessing about stuff, and then the stupid guitar music of Dick is a giant poseur starts playing while he celebrates with Daniele in the round room. He hugs all up on her while Zach stands in the room with them trying to pretend like they care about him at all. Awkward!
Flashback to Eric and Jameka going up. Didn’t you guys see all of this already? What the hell? Flashback to Zach winning the veto. Daniele gloats her ass off after the competition telling Jameka that she’s not going home, even though she could have if Zach had used the veto. Yet another damn flashback to Eric getting evicted. This feels like the morning after a really fuzzy drunk evening. As Eric gets evicted, Daniele tells us that Eric deserved to get evicted because he was one of the “biggest liars in the game”. Well, that’s true, he was ONE OF THEM, there, Skinny McHypocrite.
Next time you pray, God’s not gangsta, we are.
All four of them celebrate how far they’ve gotten in the game. Dick tells the Diary Room that he and Daniele are in the Final Three for sure, because they’ve got agreements with everyone. Then, he goes in the Round Room to have a discussion with Daniele and he leaves Zach outside, which is apparently the thing that starts to give him an inkling that he won’t be making it much past the final three. Gee, it was that? Zach lays on the bed, thinking about tearing up his Official Donato Family Membership Card. But he already knows the secret handshake!
Daniele and Dick talk about how concerned they are with “the veto and everything this week” even though the HOH competition hasn’t happened yet and they only really have Daniele playing because Dick isn’t eligible. Oh, how tasty this will all be if it works out correctly. Then they say that they’re probably going to be sending Zach home this week and gloat about it, saying that they’ve then officially betrayed just about everyone in the game. Wow, a little perspective, finally! Lemme check: Nope, still hate them.
Zach interrupts their conversation to warn them not to send him home this week, and Daniele tells us that Zach is like that person who calls your cell phone that you send automatically to voicemail. I’m sure people are jumping to pick up the phone and listen to Daniele talk about herself and how unfair all the men in her life are to her. My daaaad is bothering me so much! It’s so haaaard! She smiles like she thinks it’s really clever, but my friends and I have been calling it “The Donato Button” since before this season of Big Brother started.
After the commercial, they come downstairs and the memory wall has changed from photos of the houseguests to photos of different competitions, which they have to study in order to win the next HOH competition. Many of them consist of Eric in a variety of compromising positions, so it’s nice to know that, much like America, he can be embarrassed long after he’s no longer occupying your region.
Daniele tells us that she got distracted by reminiscing about all of the great memories she’s had over the last three months. Look, in that picture, there’s Daniele whining about how she hates everybody! And look, over there in that picture, there’s another one of Daniele whining about how she hates everybody! Good times.
The HOH competition is a simple quiz about the pictures that Daniele, Zach, and Jameka will participate in. You can tell that even the producers are even kind of phoning this one in, because Dick is smoking a cigarette while he hosts the competition. I guess it’s sort of symbolic. Don’t worry, people who run this show, I want to see if Viva Laughlin is just as bad as advertised, too. First person to seven wins HOH.
Whoever wins gets Dustin’s crown. And gonorrhea.
There is questioning, and answering. It is all very uninteresting, Jameka is never in it, Daniele and Zach have a tiebreaker, and then Zach wins HoH. Not a terrible outcome, but this week the Veto is really the most important, because the winner of that gets to decide who goes home.
Zach celebrates like a dork, and Dick seems to think that it won’t be that big of a deal because they’re aligned with everyone. Guess what? Daniele is upset about it! She whines and cries until her daaaaaad comes to console her, and then she gives him lip about how they should have kept Amber (of all things, and if you’re thinking that this is completely illogical because that was like three evictions ago and things could have worked out completely differently and she shouldn’t whine because they’re both still sitting there, then you’re with me). That’s correct, even though there is a better than fifty percent chance that they will both be sitting there next week anyway, due to the way the veto works, she is still crying. And all of this happens right in front of Daniele’s ‘Happy Birthday’ banner, even though her birthday was like a month and a half ago, because that’s just how Daniele rolls. It’s always Daniele’s birthday in Daniele land! Give her presents! It’s her party and she’ll cry about every single thing that’s ever happened if she wants to! Can’t. Stand. Her. We go to commercial with her saying, and I quote, “this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks”. And I agree with her, completely, but I think we might be talking about different stuff.
Time to see Zach’s HOH room! This should go well. Daniele tells us how bitter she is over all of it. Really? She’s never bitter! He gets some letters from home, including one from his mom. Apparently, having a pep talk from his mom was really good for him, because he fist-pumps all over the room to get himself psyched up for everything. He’s sort of the Urkel of this place.
Dick and Zach talk about this week’s nominations, and they come to the conclusion that Jameka is going to win in a jury vote because all of her friends are on the jury and would vote for her to win. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that the other seventy-five percent of you are sort of odious, but let’s ignore that part. Zach tells Dick that he was sort of thinking that they would end up as the final two. I thought for a second about how maybe that wasn’t advisable, to tell Dick that you essentially want to get rid of Daniele, but really, what’s the harm? There’s one more HOH competition after this, and they’re all going to do whatever they’re already planning on anyway, and Zach is untouchable this week.
So now Zach goes to Jameka and tells her that they’re probably not going to be getting much farther if they don’t work together to reach the Final 2. REALLY? This is just happening now? This is so too little, too late. He tells her that he’s thinking of putting up D & D and hoping that Jameka wins the POV so that they can keep the nominations the same. Wow, that was a meeting of the minds, there. Too bad it didn’t happen like three weeks ago when they were both still floaters. The outcome could have been a lot different.
Danielle comes into the HOH and starts vamping on Zach, which, in case you were wondering, is one of the things that she used to give Jen a lot of shit for which she is now doing. I don’t get it, it’s like she’s the worst parts of all the evicted houseguests put together. Everything that was annoying about Amber, about Dustin, about Eric, and about Jen is annoying about Daniele. She’s like the perfect storm of Get Off My TV.
You killed George Clooney!
She seems very anxious about getting put up, even though it pretty much doesn’t matter this week because of the way the veto works, which Dick and Daniele themselves have discussed at length already. Zach (to his credit) doesn’t take her flirt bait and tells her in a very straightforward manner that he knows he’s screwed if he continues on with them, so she should just shut her cakehole and wait for his decision. Then, GET THIS: Daniele tells Zach that he doesn’t need to go to the F2, because her dad is going to win due to the fact that he’s played the best game. She’s essentially making the argument that he should just give up because he’s not going to win. And the worst part is, she actually expects him to just lie down in front of her at this, because her logic, it is flawless. Zach, shockingly, does not collapse into a pile of tears. In the DR, Daniele tells us that she thinks Zach is ridiculous for even thinking that he could win. The audacity of these people, trying to defeat her! Isn’t it plain that everyone loves her? I mean, come on!
Daniele goes to her father and tells him that Zach is probably going to put them both up. What, you don’t have any confidence in your flawless Einstein-ian logic? So then Dick and Daniele get all riled up, because they’ve been nothing but honest with Zach. Do they remember, like, twenty minutes ago, even? It’s like they’re a walking version of Memento.
So Dick, of course, goes all idle threat on Zach, because that’s what he does every time he’s put in a corner, because yelling uselessly all over the place is always the right course of action. He comes off like a whiny baby, even though I say again that THE NOMINATIONS DON’T MATTER THIS WEEK. That’s the thing with Dick and Daniele: they talk about the game a lot, but if they would just wake up and think for a minute, instead of feeling sorry for themselves so freaking endlessly, they might figure this out.
At the nomination ceremony, Zach goes on at length, thanking the other houseguests for being his friend and restoring his faith in God or whatever. Dick and Daniele smirk their asses off as Zach nominates them both. Dick starts talking about how this whole thing won’t work (and sadly, it probably won’t), but Zach gets in a good dig when he tells Dick that his screaming his head off and trying to intimidate people shit is no longer effective. He tells Daniele that she’s too strong in competitions, and that he’s going to try his hardest to get one of them out this week. That’s the correct play, but again: too little, too late.
As we march toward the inevitable Dick/Daniele finale, I ask of you a Sophie’s Choice: Dick/Daniele or Mike/Erika? And how come we never get satisfying finales on this show?