Big Brother: Too Much Protein Causes Brain Clots

Tonight on Big Brother, Ronnie has a secret and Lydia does some “My name is Chubby” jokes.

I was a dork in high school.

Love the new purple opening. The theme of the season is Awkward, and the old dj/fifth grade teacher not a day over 56 guy is hammering the nail directly on its head.

Previously, Ronnie and Jesse talked Chia into going up as a pawn. The same day she threw a hissy fit and made herself the asshole of the house. Well, the other asshole. The giant one with a butt like a boulder and the brain of a two year old can’t be evicted this week. Chima’s watched the show before and knows there’s a good chance she’s doomed. Can her day get any shittier?

Yes. Yes it can.

Jugs knows she dodged a bullet. She didn’t, however, dodge the chance at a life without a mustache. Poor girl puts a small fortune into being f able and at the end of the day she ends up looking like Dr. Phil with implants and a weave.

She’s been nice to everyone, so she doesn’t understand why no one’s watching her back. LOL. How can they? You’ve installed enough saline to store the contact lenses of a small city into your front. They’re looking at that.

Chima goes into the metal room to reflect, pray, and drum up some positive energy. Kidding! She loudly pouts that the nerds and the weirdos are targeted first, just like in high school. OMG that was deep. Jeff agrees. “It just got reuhl.” He feels like the outsider of his team. Uh, you don’t talk to your teammates so yeah. Ya ah. He didn’t even know who was going up, so this is all a sheack to him. Without Jessie and Riddick, he would be the most likely candidate for airheaded douche of the cast, but next to those guys he looks downright meek. Yes, he’s waxed, shirtless, and wearing a sideways hat in the diary room, but he’s not jumping all over the place flexing, woot wooing and doing Walk Like an Egyptian choreography, so he’s fine by me. If he didn’t sound like he was threatening to break someone’s kneecaps if they don’t pay protection money to da boss every time he opened his mouth, he’d be totally hot. Shhhh. Don’t talk.

See? Isn’t that better?

Russell is very dickishly pleased by Lydia’s tears and says he’s glad that people are realizing they’re not at band camp. Man, I wish the theme this year was band camp. I might have less utter disgust for this ass if he was blowing the bass line to Mame’s “Open a New Window” out a tuba.

Braden literally runs after Lydia to “awww” as she crawls into bed, goes fetal, and cries. Jordan comes in to rubberneck too, and Lydia tells us that she thinks she was an easy target cuz of the way she looks. Why does this girl act like her tattoos are a bad case of psoriasis? No one cares, ok? Get a personality that’s not dyed into your flesh already. And if you don’t want people to judge how you look, make less faces that look like this.

Hi. My name is Chubby. My mama’s chubby, my daddy’s chubby, and I’m Chubby.

I never get tired of those My Name is Chubby jokes. The one about Chubby riding on his sister’s motorcycle? Priceless. Jeff joins the party, and is embarrassed for laughing when he realizes that Lydia’s not doing the I’m Chubby bit. Kevin joins in, and they all console her and tell her she’s real perty and everyone likes her. Chia’s outside listening the whole time, and she’s confused.

LOL

The other dorks are just like “um er uhhh um well….” She takes a while to reflect, but I still don’t think she quite gets what’s happening here.

Uh..er…uh…um…

Crickets.

Yeah! Do that!

Chia tells us that her alliance is assuring her she’s safe. So that’s what “uh er um well…” means. Later, Ronnie and Chia go to the pantry to wonder if Jeff will vote against his own team and save Lydia. Ronnie randomly says “Everyone has a price.” You know he’s been dying to say that all week. Can “Life is a game” or “You reap what you sow” be far behind? He leans over to whisper a secret into her ear after she promises to never repeat what he’s about to tell her.

And I am living with herpes.

Chia’s like uh…thanks? Ronnie means it though, and glares at her with a creepy plastic smile on his face as she gets the hell out of there. Ronnie will be the first one to lose it in this house, and it’s gonna be beautiful.

Please sir, can I have some more?

Over in the red bedroom, Jugs holds up her jugs and gives her back a break while she cries to DJ and Riddick about how no one likes her cuz of her rack and she can’t help it if she’s got exercise balls stapled to her outer lungs. DJ sums up her plight nicely: “You can’t help it. You chose to get implants.” HA. He can’t say that to her face, obvs, so he just stares at said implants with a mixed look of alarm, horniness, and disgust.

Those things make me feel 53 again.

So Lydia has insecurity about the tattoos she put on herself, and Jugs has a problem with the ziplocks full of jelly she put in herself. Doesn’t anyone have real hangups any more? Back in my day, we were depressed about real issues. Like being fat. Or bald. Or having webbed toes. Why do I want to cry right now?

Riddick and Jesse meet up in the HOH room and make wild love. No? BOOOO. Instead, they gossip about how Jeff is in the pat Lydia on the back and try not to stare at the hideous psoriasis room right now being friendly with the enemies. They knew from the start the one guy who didn’t have tiny raisin roid nuts would be the one to turn first. Riddick …Riddick…you know what, I don’t like that name. Vin D looks like a poet laureat compared to this ass.

Can I call you Dick for short?

Anyway, RDick saw Jugs crying and moaning about no one liking her, so he figures she’ll be easy to get on their side. Or on her back. They call her up to the room and basically jump around making gorilla sounds and beating their chests. She does her best to sell herself. Which she seems skilled at. It’s official. The three grotesquely inhuman looking monstrosities are now officially on the same team. Who saw that coming?

Montage of Braden being “wacky.” Look! He’s got leather pants! Look! He’s using a snorkel in the pool! Hey! He says rhyme-y things like “stay clean, chicken wing!” WAH-WAAAAAH! RDick suspects that a handsome charming sweet person has a chance of being liked. RDick could try to be nice and charming, but he would have to die and be reborn as someone else first, which takes a long time. Instead, he will rely on a plan that involves giving people dirty looks, grunting with Jesse, and keeping his fingers crossed that the producers don’t throw in any mental challenges.

Don’t inhale. It’s all fun and games til you drown standing up.

Jesse calls everyone into the living room to announce the rules for the veto competition. Unfortunately, he has to read for this duty, and that’s not really his strong suit, or as he would say, strong point. He kind of whispers and mutter/stutters. I hope the producers end the note with an equation so we can see his head explode. Lydia is hoping that no athletes are picked, but Natalie and Russell are picked. Sad horns.

Finally, someone trimmed Jugs.

Uhoh. The first name picked out of the bag is RDick’s, and Chia gets HG’s choice. She horsey laughs and picks Natalie. LOL. Way to hide that alliance! Michele doesn’t get it, and thinks choosing an athlete is crazy. Why would Chia choose someone who’s supposedly against her to fight for her life? She musta been thinking with her head half on! I keep waiting for that look of “ooooh!” to blink on, but it never comes.

Keep on turning that over in your head. It’ll come to you.

Jeff is the next one chosen, and the dj guy is chosen as host. The backyard is what Chia describes as her high school picture.

You know. When she had zits. And was white. And hadn’t watered her head yet.

Casey reads the instructions to the game, and it’s a little disorienting hearing someone adept at reading. Well done, BB! The challenge is to pop the zits. RDick looks cocky, cuz running around punching shit is something he’s cut out for. His smile fades, though, when he hears that they have to dig around inside the zits to find tiles with letters on them, which they will use to spell the longest word possible.

You know he’s gonna spell fart.

Chia is a journalist. Where? Does anyone know? I’ve been looking for her name all over the most obvious choice, The Thrifty Nickel, and haven’t found it yet. My guesses are all dried up. Go is called, and everyone gets to popping. Don’t worry for Lydia. She’s hatched a brilliant plan to find the letters for “civilization” and Chia is going to try and find the letters for “superficiality”. Then they’re gonna will themselves to win the lottery and get struck by lighting.

Jeff, though, is more realistic. His only goal is to not make an ass out of himself, cuz he can’t even text well enough for the spell check on his phone to come up with alternate words. HAHAH. Jessie figures there’s no way he’s gonna win this one, so he’ll do a few cartwheels and hope someone from the WWE is watching.

It’s not real til he gets smashed in the head with a folding chair multiple times.

He is the first to finish after picking what looks like three letters. RDick and Natalie are the first to finish, followed by and finally Jeff and Lydia. Jesse is first to show his word, and he shocks the country by proving once and for all that he’s more than just a tiny nutted meat head with a butt like a bowling ball.

Kidding!

I actually had to pause so I could lol for awhile. And you people wonder why I love Jesse? Casey laughs at him openly, which makes it even better. Natalie is next to reveal, and she spelled “Last.” OK we need to stop talking cap and trade and universal healthcare and funnel some money into the education system. Ronnie smiles real big and reads off his hand: “‘Last’ is the ‘last‘ damn word I would have thought of spelling!” Oh, Ronnie. If you fail here, there’s always that dream of teaching comedy defensive driving class.

Chia tried to spell superficiality, but she couldn’t find three of the letters. The Thrifty Nickel is so proud right now. Casey points out that if she had just spelled “super”, she would be in the lead. She realizes that he’s right and that super is in fact a word. Doh! That was a real brain twister! RDick spells shotgun. Wow! Who knew he had it in him? The spelling part I mean, not the streak of violence. Jeff tried to spell a word that’s not a word and he still misspelled it. Love. This. Show.

Just one or two more letters and you could have had an even longer failure! Stay pretty.

Lydia is the last to reveal, and she’s got ci i liza tion. Wow. The winning word is shotgun and four of the six couldn’t come up with one single word. The win turns RDick smart. You can tell cuz he’s wearing a shirt in the diary room. Wait. He just called himself Russell the Love Muscle again.

Never mind.

Kevin says that the athletes can be cocky all they want but they all have targets on their backs cuz they ruled high school “and now it’s our turn”. I’m rooting for you! Now you’ll just have to learn how to exceed in physical challenges. No? Mental challenges, then. Still no? Well, maybe they’ll come up with a gay challenge. Love Muscle will prob win that one too.

He meets Jesse, Natalie and Jugs in the HOH room. Jugs is convinced that Jeff is smart and he just threw the competition. I have no trouble believing that he’s really as dumb as he comes off. Arguments? Anyone? Moving on. Jeff doesn’t care what anyone thinks, cuz he’s flirting with Jordan on the couch. She plays with his feet and makes fun of his second toe. “Whaddya want me ta do? Gedda toe jeyob?” Uh-oh. Don’t let Jugs hear you. If she hears there’s a surgery she didn’t know about there’ll be blood and severed toes all over that set.

Russell does handstand pushups and then starts punching the air and circling the elliptical trainer Jeff’s on, glaring at him. He doesn’t like that Jeff’s coming off as a nice guy, so he’s gonna mess with him and make Jeff lose it and embarrass himself in front of everyone. He makes fun of Jeff for technotroncs loudly and repeatedly, then starts yelling at him for being an idiot and a weakling. Jeff keeps elliptical-ing and ignores him, so Russell yells louder and louder and gets himself more and more worked up. Jeff gets kinda ruffled, but he’s basically just coming off as a dude minding his own business and being attacked for no reason. He fights back a little harder, and the whole thing devolves into “You ah!” “Any time, brother!” “Bring it!” “Suck it!” “You suck it!” “You!”s.

Russell goes inside after spitting all over the place and threatening to beat Jeff up, and Natalie moves in to glare/pout at Jeff, who’s still working out. He doesn’t wait for her to say anything though and vents all over her. She doesn’t think it’s fair that the rest of the team has blood on their hands and he looks completely innocent, and he points out that he wasn’t even let in about their decision so he is, in fact, innocent. The other people in the backyard have spent considerable hours watching this show, and their reactions to this drama are the same as mine.

Yawn.

Jeff ends this all by hinting that his poor English might have just been a ruse after all: “My team can fuck off. Why don’t you spell that for your word?” Got another word for you. Marry Me.

Lydia gets desperate and decides that she’ll just hang all over Russell’s love muscle to stay in the game. If this show knows how to do one thing, it’s to make women all over the country feel really, really proud. She massages him in the kitchen and then gets him on the couch to tell him like how much she like really like likes him for realsies. To seduce him, she covers her sleeves with sleeves and puts wads of toilet paper on her head just in case he needs to blow his nose.

Russell starts rubbing her legs and telling her that it wasn’t his choice to put her on the block, it was Natalie’s! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Lydia falls for this, of course. Russell is gonna get some and boot her ass anyway. Natalie comes in smiling, and Lydia glares at her. Russell is a prick, but at least he’s making things interesting.

Lydia grabs a box of condoms and makes her way up to the HOH room. She gets in bed with Jessie and right when she starts talking smack about Natalie, she walks in and is upfront about wanting her on the block. They argue, but Jesse says something very wise. “I don’t know who’s playing the…friends close and enemies closer.” That stops the girls for a minute, if only to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.

Jesse tells Lydia that he thinks she’s been insincere and fake, and she flips it and says if anyone’s fake, it’s Braden with his charm and his highlighted hair and snorkel in the shower and leather pants. Jesse and Natalie like her thinking and get excited at the possibility of making another person in the house hate them and want to get revenge. Late that night, Russell comes up to the HOH shirtless and rubbing his tiny muscle through his sweats.

EW.

Jessie tells him they need to get rid of Braden cuz “he’s getting scott free” and “how big of a good grace is the fact that we’re taking her off?” I love when Jesse tries to talk smart and ends up with blow job face.

If you would just have done this at your WWE audition you would have a job right now.

It seems settled. Braden’s going to be put up. Why? Who knows? Downstairs, Braden’s making wacky face at the pool table.

Russell corners Ronnie in the pantry and rubs his muscle some more. He seriously needs to stop that. Ronnie agrees to vote Braden out, and tells us that it’s very important for Russell to know that he can take his lunch money without getting violent cuz then Russell will totes like him and wanna watch TV after school or something.

Ronnie: game master. He runs straight to Jordan and Jeff and tattle tales, which of course means they all tell Braden. That takes about two seconds to come back and bite Ronnie in his pasty ass. Russell sees him talking to Braden, then he sees Braden sulking. He immediately confronts Ronnie, who’s like “wha? Huh? What happened? Someone told? Told what? To who? Huh? Wadn’t me!” Gulp. Shifty eyes. Lip lick. Russell threateningly says he’s gonna find out who squealed and goes to eat a salad. Ronnie follows him, sits at the table across from him in silence and tries not to pee himself while RDick silently eats and glares at him.

Russell tells Jessie about Ronnie squealing, and now he’s another possibility for eviction. Yay! Fresh enemy! Russell gathers everyone for the veto ceremony. He opens the floor for save me speeches, and Lydia and the shortest pair of shorts she could find go first. She basically just bends over and giggles. Chia tries to be charming, but when she’s not taken off the block she’s right back to her normal demeanor.

Lydia’s safe. Nice to see outright ho-iness hasn’t lost it’s magic on Neanderthals. Jesse takes the floor and says “due to today’s current events,” HA “…Braden.” Braden told us he would take it like a man, but he ends up putting on his just got dumped glasses and stutters his own name a few times.

Lydia thanks baby Jesus in Heaven. I’m sure he’s touched by that one. Braden, who should get along great with Jesse cuz neither one of them can form a sentence, says “Jesse definitely misrepresented me, but he’s niglagent.” I don’t know what he just said, but I smell racism.

Who’s out? My guess is there’s no way people are keeping Chia over Braden. The Thrifty Nickel is about to get their ace back in the deck.