Big Brother: Top Banana

Lesbian Tarzan

Tonight on Big Brother, this is only the second most embarassing outfit the houseguests are being forced to wear.After the nomination ceremony, Michele worries, because apparently “sometimes pawns go home”. Hey, did you guys know Michael Jackson was dead? I mean, since we’re all doling out valuable and lesser known nuggets of information, I thought I would contribute by notifying as many people as I could of this highly guarded, incredibly secret news. You heard it here first, people. In your FACE, Katie Couric!

Jessie explains that he didn’t put up Ronnie because Ronnie hasn’t really “hosed” him yet. Wait, is Jessie Canadian all of a sudden? Because I think Robin Sparkles might have something to say about that. Well, besides “Let’s Go To The Mall”, of course.

After the nomination ceremony, Jeff and Jordan conduct another meeting of the minds, which is to say that Jeff talks and Jordan pretends to listen while imagining what it would be like to meet Miley Cyrus. Jeff points out that Jordan’s probably safe no matter what, since she’s up against Michelle. She’s also safe because she’s the least threatening player in the history of this show, but Jeff doesn’t point that out because Can A Guy Get A Little On Camera Action? Jordan responds by blatantly adjusting her boobs, which she does so much that I am beginning to believe that it might be some kind of Morse Code for her family at home.

“Left means ‘I love you mom’ and right means ‘I love you dad’. Both means I have an infection.”

After trying to get a little sympathy from Jeff with no result, Michele returns to the Have Not Room, where she finds Ronnie laying down. “It probably should have been me up there,” Ronnie says unconvincingly. “I’m so emotionally drained!” he continues. Way to look for sympathy with the person who just went up on the block instead of you, idiot. You should be lucky she’s giving you the time of day, since she’s the person you turned into a scapegoat and blamed for all your terrible, ill-conceived schemes.

Ronnie then gives her some sage advice, which is to win the veto and use it on herself. He then tells her that if she gets the ‘Houseguest’s Choice’ option when it’s time to pick players for the veto competition, than he would definitely use it on her. She hilariously laughs in his face, which is exactly what he deserves, pointing out that he would also be safe if he won the veto. “Come on, Ronnie, I’m not that stupid,” she says as she leaves the room, laughing to herself. She then heads into the kitchen, where she tells most of the remaining houseguests what Ronnie just told her. Russell sits there looking guilty, I guess because of his super-secret alliance with Ronnie.

“Moose and squirrel are going to get us!”

Up in the HOH room, Ronnie talks to Jessie and Natalie, who confirm that everyone in the house still wants him kicked the eff out. Jessie tells him that Casey is at “the tip of the arrow” and leading the charge to get him evicted. However, Jessie has other ideas, ideas which involve Casey himself leaving instead. Ronnie is excited at this news, and gives them each one of his patented creepy hugs before calling them his, quote, “…brother from another mother and sister from another mister.” Isn’t the use of that phrase alone enough to make you want the guy off of your television? In mean, people who don’t know well enough to be embarrassed when they use expressions like that, they make me feel like I just watched that video from The Ring, but in real life. That shit sends a chill down my spine, not even kidding. I keep waiting for my phone to ring, but instead of someone whispering “…seven days…” it’s like, “…bling bling…”

Jessie tells us that he doesn’t want Ronnie out of the house, so he’s going to try and convince the others to keep him. We get a montage of Jessie telling various dolts in the house (Chima, Kevin, Lydia), that Ronnie isn’t really a threat to them by making them admit that Ronnie wouldn’t go after them if he won. Of course, none of these people even question why Jessie would try to convince them of this and make the connection that Jessie is aligned with Ronnie, they just sort of shake their heads dumbly in agreement.

The Number One Threat

Jessie is pretty proud of himself, thinking he’s convinced everyone that Ronnie is not an issue: “I got Braden out in Week 1, I got Laura out in Week 2, and I’m going to get Casey out this week. I’m picking people off left and right!” he says with a cocky smile.

Not so fast, there, Shoulders McGee. Jessie only won HOH and got to pick who left in Week 1 because other people won a competition, and he only put Braden up once Lydia convinced him to, so he really doesn’t get credit there. It’s not like it was part of some grand plan. Laura only went home in Week 2 because Ronnie is a giant pussy and couldn’t put Russell up because he was afraid. This week is really the first week where Jessie is calling the shots, and judging by the way he’s calling attention to himself by targeting Casey instead of just removing Ronnie and not rocking the boat, he’s learned pretty much nothing since last summer about his weaknesses. I mean, do the benefits of keeping Ronnie, who has no pull with anyone, really outweigh the drawbacks of keeping him and causing other people to target you? There is no situation in which this makes sense. He’s so worried that people won’t think he’s smart that he does the dumbest thing possible, which is pretty poetic, if you think about it.

The houseguests are bored, so they decide to play Truth or Dare. Kevin picks Dare and has to cuddle with Jessie (who’s asleep with his headphones on in the HOH room) for ten seconds. So Kevin goes upstairs and tries to delicately embrace Jessie, and I have a feeling this might not be the last time Jessie wakes up with an uninvited guest. Judging by the fucking creepy pictures of a disembodied torso that went up on this here website yesterday, next time will probably also feature chloroform and a length of rope. Natalie screws everything up when she moves Kevin’s hand and wakes him up.

The face most people make before they climb into bed with Jessie

The houseguests then dare Ronnie to go hug Casey for twenty seconds, which is actually a pretty great dare. I can tell because it made me laugh like a ten year old. Ronnie pretends to be walking by Casey silently in the hallway, and then at the last second he just goes right for it, apologizing and rubbing all over Casey’s back while Russell and Natalie hide around the corner and laugh like fifth graders. Natalie might actually be a fifth grader, though, so she gets a pass.

Casey, however, is not amused, and he confronts Russell about it, asking him not to make Casey the butt of a joke again. Casey points out in the Diary room that he’s really more upset that Russell is hanging out with Ronnie and being friendly with him just days after following him around the house and terrorizing him. There’s a very minor shouting match, but it’s a boring fight. Remember when people used to have interesting fights on this show?

WHO WANTS CAKE

Players are picked for the veto competition. Casey, Jeff and Chima will be competing in addition to Jordan, Michele and Jessie. Jessie picks Natalie to host the competition, which sends Lydia into a blind rage. Lydia never really does anything terrible on the episodes that I recap, but now is as good a time as any to tell you that I really, really dislike her. On any other season but this one (and I guess Season 8), she would be my least favorite houseguest, hands down. But we can discuss why at a later point.

After Casey and Jordan have a short conversation about how nothing could absolutely go wrong with their foolproof plan to evict Ronnie, so pay no attention to this plinking Piano Music of Ignorance behind us, it’s time for the Veto competition. The houseguests are all given pink jumpsuits and pig noses, because sometimes metaphors just have to jump out and crush your larynx. There’s a giant mud pit in the backyard (“I think it was poop. I’d be okay if it were poop.” – Jordan), and there are “truffles” in the pit. Each truffle has a point value on the back. Each houseguest will use a rope swing to jump into the pit and collect the truffles. You can only keep four truffles, and if you don’t think the number on a truffle is high enough, you can throw it out. The person with the highest point total wins the Veto. Some truffles have prizes. These will not eliminate you from the game like they normally would, but they are worth zero points.

Wow, that took entirely too long to explain. What is this, the Bar Exam?

“I’m a scientist!”

Anyway, so people in pink bodysuits fling themselves into the mud and collect truffles. It should be noted that Jessie looks like a giant pregnancy test.

Wait, so it’s positive?

People explain their strategies, but it pretty much comes down to trying to keep the highest numbers possible and gambling that you’ll be able to find something higher. When the five minutes are up, Natalie presents a final twist: she has six envelopes in her possession which could add and subtract points, or have a special surprise inside.
Michelle, Casey, Jeff and Jessie choose to take envelopes. Chima decides not to take an envelope and Jordan also refuses, presumably because figuring out how to open an envelope can be pretty tough.

Jessie reveals his truffles first. He’s chosen to take a $2500 prize to start, and he still ends up with 26 points. His envelope contains another five points, so he has a robust 31 points to start. Jessie poses like an idiot in celebration. I know that you are shocked.

“YAY! It’s Boxing Day!

Jordan, Jeff, Chima don’t have enough points, so they’re all out. Casey reveals his truffles, revealing a margarita party that makes everyone cheer in excitement. He tells us that he didn’t think he was in danger of going home, so he made a strategic move and tried to please the house. Of course, he has no idea Jessie’s after him, because it makes no strategic sense, but Jessie still shouts “GAME OVER!” anyway, all proud of himself. Casey’s envelope contains a special reward, which is a banana suit that he has to wear for one whole week. It’s designed to embarrass Casey, but he’s accepting the award in a room full of people in pink bodysuits and pig noses. It’s like the pot calling the kettle undignified.

All that’s left is Michele. She reveals 28 points, which is not enough to beat Jessie, but she still has an envelope to open. She gets an additional seven points from the envelope, which wins Michele the veto. She jumps up and down in the pink bodysuit, which is not advisable.

Yeah, I wouldn’t do that.

But THEN they want her to swing over and retrieve the veto, and she takes a total header into the mud.

I would say that this is embarassing for you, but you’re wearing a giant pink bodysuit.

After the break, it’s time for Casey to wear the banana suit.

Now, if only someone would slip on him and fall.

Casey makes the rounds at the house, and Jeff hilariously says he can’t wait for the visual imagery of Casey smoking a cigar in the backyard with the mean look on his face. As Casey wanders around the house, he apologizes to his kids and mother for embarrassing himself. Shouldn’t every houseguest really apologize, all the time? No need for the banana suit.

Not really that much more embarassing than what he normally wears, frankly.

Now that Michele’s won veto, Jessie decides to give her the time of day. He asks who Michele wants out, and tells her that he had a particular person in mind and that he was rooting for that person to lose the veto competition. Michele is no dummy and quickly figures out that this not only means that Ronnie and Jessie are working together, but also that Casey is being targeted. “You know, I’ll be nice to Jessie, but when the time is right, I’ll be gunning for him,” she tells us from the Diary Room. If she didn’t have the personality of a block of wood, I’d almost like her. The Wooden Avenger is coming after you, Jessie! Run!

Lydia and Kevin talk in the HOH while Jessie lounges downstairs with Natalie. Kevin, aware of the plan to get rid of Casey, notifies Lydia that this is bad for them since it reduces their shot at being safe during the next HOH. Lydia, upset about Jessie and sporting her pouty face (because she only has two faces: pouty and pouty because no one’s paying attention to her), tells Jordan about the plan to get rid of Casey. Jordan tells Jeff, and Jeff tells Casey The Smoking Banana, and shit is ON.

“Jessie does look kind of like a monkey, so I might not come back.”

Casey decides that the best course of action is to go upstairs and address the issue with Jessie directly, which is kind of an admirable move on his part. I mean, what’s wrong with just talking behind the guy’s back until it blows up in your face? Has Casey never seen this show before? So Casey asks Jessie directly what his plan for the veto is, and Jessie tries to be all coy about it, telling Casey that “the right guy’s is gonna go out the door”. Casey’s like “So…that means Ronnie, or me? I am confused.” And Jessie looks at him all smug like “the right guy, man”, and acting very cocky and like he’s not about to be vulnerable in roughly two days time. Man, I hope someone evicts his ass in Week 4 for the second year in a row. That would be tasty indeed.

Time for the veto ceremony. Jessie is wearing a cowboy hat and glasses from Urban Outfitters, because he is super cool and everyone loves him and no one is thinking of eliminating him at all.

Wearing the banana suit: more or less embarassing than this?

Michele uses the veto on herself, of course, and thank you to the show for not making her ask why she should use it on Jordan, as if that was ever going to happen. Jessie stands up and tells everyone that he won the power of HOH, and thus he should be able to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Sexual favors from Ronnie? “So, move your feet, you’ve got a new seat!” he yells, all proud of himself, and then he puts up Casey. Ronnie smirks like a fuckin jerk when this happens and Jordan catches him. Jordan’s like “Why are you looking at me like that?” to Ronnie, and he’s all “I’m not looking at you like anything!” Can we have a double elimination next week? Is that a possibility?

Jessie says that there are winners and people that hate those that are on top, which is apparently where Casey comes in. Everyone is just jealous of Jessie! Don’t you want a grossly oversized body that makes you look like a creepy anime character all the time? Then of course Ronnie tells us that the force is with him, but I refuse to dignify that.