Big Brother: We All Know How This Is Going To End, Right?

First of all, Julie is dressed all abstract and deconstructed with all these wacky lines all over the place, and she’s had her hair cut. Do robots grow hair? Or did they just replace her whole head? Mysteries, they abound.Julie does that thing that’s my favorite part of the show where she tells us all about everything we just saw in the previouslies, and I am out of ways to make fun of how dumb it is at this point. So I guess just take my word for it? Julie then tells us that there’s still some sort of excitement going on in the house, which we all know is wrong, because we segue into yet another flashback, this one involving Ryan’s use of the veto. Look, James is on the block! I love how they accidentally backdoored him. Natalie tells us about how she’s pretty sure she can win against anyone but James. Are we getting a little cocky, Natalie? Sharon tells us that she’s pretty sure she can win if she gets to the Final Two. That one is probably true, given that all her friends are going to populate the jury.

James tells us that he’s sort of out of options, so he’s going to have to resort to taking down Natalie and making the whole house think she’s two-faced. Which means that we’ve reached the point in the season in which it is time to invoke the Howie Clause, which is that when all else fails, you should be as mean as you possibly can to the person you hate the most, in such a way as to think that you are being clever when in reality you are making yourself look like a dumbass. James starts making fun of Natalie, and it looks like everyone is laughing at his stupid comments about how pale she is (is that really something to make fun of people about? I’ve never understood that), but it’s obvious that it’s misplaced editing. Then she comes outside and James goes for the kill by asking her why she hasn’t worked out since Matt left. Ouch! And also really mean. I was hoping Natalie would be like, “I just haven’t had time!” because you know she would totally say that, despite the fact that her day planner is like “Yeah, I’m seeing a free hour right here on the 10th between ‘Stare at Matt’s memory wall photo’ and ‘Count all the ceiling tiles in the house, then divide by eight’.

James calls her “big”, and I can’t tell whether it’s in front of her face or not, but he’s dumb. This show, always classy, then follows Natalie into the kitchen and shows her chowing down on a meal in excruciating detail. It doesn’t really look like Natalie’s gained that much weight to me. But then Natalie starts bossing everyone around, all “Laugh at him and I will vanquish you from this house!” which is how you can tell what James did kind of worked. Sharon comes outside and sits down with James all “Mommy said we’re not allowed to laugh at you anymore.”

Later, the boys are sitting in one corner of the yard while the girls sun themselves on the other side. James is throwing comments at Natalie, and Adam laughs at him. Natalie is like “Your ass is grass if you egg him on!” Methinks Natalie might be a little too big for her britches at this point. How does Adam sit there and take that? Natalie doesn’t call the shots. Various discussions about how each gender needs to take the other out ensue. This is how you can tell that there is nothing going on, because it’s obvious that they’re struggling to make this interesting. Natalie’s all “Girl power!” then talks about how it would be the first time in the history of BB that the final three was entirely composed of females. But Natalie, you’re forgetting Ivette, Maggie and Janelle! Well, there’s a good chance that one of them could maybe be a tranny (AT LEAST), so I’m going to let you have that.

I’m loving how there is absolutely no intrigue surrounding the eminent departure of James at this point, fifteen minutes into the show.

Back in the kitchen, Natalie is eating some more (shut up show), while Adam is literally laying, with his full body, on the counter where food is prepared. At one point, Natalie turns around and walks toward Adam, and she has this absolutely giant kitchen utensil in her hand, and for a moment, just a moment, she looks at him with her perpetually crazy eyes and I am all “Oh, it is about to go down.“

But no, she’s just telling him all about how Sharon wants to band all of the females together and take out the guys. What was the point of telling him that, Natalie? I guess she thinks she’s priming the pump for Sharon to go home next or something, but it seems like she’s working all the angles a little too hard. Then she calls Sharon “sneaky but silent but deadly mole”. Did she just say that Sharon smells bad? I don’t get it. And why is she a mole? I’m just…I’m done. Then she talks about how this has to stay on the “donkey down low” and we are at the point in the season where the Houseguests start to lose their already tenuous grasp on the English language and just start speaking exclusively in inside jokes.

Natalie then sells the Sharon girl power story to Ryan, and they both thank God and call the whole thing “a miracle” and call themselves “Team TC” and I hate them. Every year it gets down to this point, where there are like six people left, and you think “Wow, I can’t possibly hate these people more than I already do”, and then they cut your feet off.

Ryan and James play chess (yeah, I’m sure Ryan was a childhood phenom), and James tries to work Ryan. The funniest part of this episode then occurs when James is like “Soooo…you’re voting me out, right?” and Ryan goes (verbatim) “Pretty much, yeah.” Genius! It’s like, there’s this whole hour of television in one sentence. My work here, it is done.

James tries more half-assed scheming on Sheila (while Adam watches and remains silent), telling her that Natalie has “no opposition” in this house if he leaves, because none of the remaining people can compete with her. Yeah, demeaning Sheila is totally going to get her to keep you in, dipshit. Sheila’s all, “Well, maybe I will keep you in!” but it’s only halfway crazy. It’s like no one can even muster up the energy to care this week. Which makes this whole thing awesome, in some backwards way, because it’s not like anyone, even the editors, are trying to convince anyone otherwise.

Back from commercial, it’s time to talk to the houseguests! Julie must have gotten my memo about how dumb this part of the show has gotten, because she makes it her mission to make these people as uncomfortable as possible tonight. She starts things off with a viewer question for Natalie. Natalie, Brenda from New York wants to know, “What does religion have to do with this game?” Dear Brenda: Call me!

Natalie tells Julie that religion keeps her grounded and whatever, and that’s probably true, given that she needs a new center of gravity because her boobs seem to be slowly turning on her. Seriously, I have a theory that states that her boobs are lying in wait, slowly gathering power and feeding off of the negative energy in the house, like that slime from Ghostbusters 2, and I’m waiting for them to gather enough power to spontaneously transform her into Venom from Spiderman one day, just turn her into this freakish possessed evil thing. That would be awesome. I hope it’s during a live show! Julie would shit herself.

Since Julie got a lame answer from Natalie, she’s like “Sharon, what did you think of that answer?” and Sharon waffles, giving a boring answer, toeing the line between idiocy and realism, much like this show so often does. Julie then does the meanest thing ever, which is to ask Adam what he likes in a woman. That shit was hilarious, and mean. Adam misses his opportunity to hit on Julie and gives the factory answer about attitude and conversation. So that means that no one in the house tickles your fancy? I hear Sheila has some really interesting things to say about the Industrial Revolution.

They then show Sheila a montage of pranks that James has played on her (which seems sort of pandering right before they’re supposed to vote to evict him), and James compliments her by saying that Sheila is probably the only person in the house that can take those things with a grain of salt. Yeah, that’s Sheila: always grounded in reality with a firm perspective.

Julie asks Sheila about whether the houseguests make her feel younger or older, and she takes absolutely forever to pick one, finally like “Um…younger?” because 1)the question is dumb and 2)so is she.

After commercial, we get to meet Sharon’s family! Much like Sharon, they are attractive and a little boring, but probably interesting at family gatherings and in social settings where alcohol is involved. Her dad wears his Marine uniform with a thousand medals pinned to his chest and he talks about how brave she is. They call her “Sharon Lynn” a lot, and cheer her on. We find out that she got into a car wreck last year, which made her religious and made her appreciate her friends and family. I can’t make fun of that, it’s actually a normal, human reaction. From the only normal, non-idiotic person in the house. That’s not fun for anyone!

….which is why we’re going to go check out the Jury house, where Matt tells us that it has been a very lonely week by himself, with only his thoughts. Yeah, I’m sure you’re probably really tired of hearing that song the jack-in-the-box that’s inside your head plays, because that damn monkey with the fez keeps turning it all day! You will be surprised to hear that he’s still wearing the stupid short pants when Chelsia shows up. They start hitting each other all jokey and kidding around, and Chelsia immediately draws boundaries when she picks a bed that’s not Matt’s. “I will not be hooking up with Matt while we’re here” she tells us definitively. I mean, he’s not even into dudes!

And then we’re ahead another week, while Chelsia and Matt wait for the third juror to show up. Josh has decided to continue his stupid dramatic rehearsed bullshit, spouting random sound effects and reciting blatantly prepared statements. What a tool. But then Matt out-tools him by talking about how Josh’s personality is just like that of a “bitchy woman on her period”, and there are no words. One thousand dollars to the first person who brings me the load-bearing support beams from that house.

Now Julie totally fakes me out, making me think we’re going to commercial, but then she doesn’t and I have to rewind. How dare you! That’s the biggest ruse anyone on this show has pulled off in about three seasons. It’s time to vote, right now. Sharon stands up to make her speech, talking again about how “if it’s meant to be” she’ll stay, and how everything “happens for a reason”. I love when the houseguests think that the outcome is Meant To Be or destiny or whatever, because then? Explain to me Evel Dick. Or Mike Boogie. Or any winner of this show since Will, really.

James is awesome when he’s like “It doesn’t matter what I say, because these stupid speeches make no difference, so let’s get on with it.” Indeed, James, indeed. Truer words have never been spoken.

Natalie votes for James, Ryan votes for James, and Sheila votes for James, so that’s done. James exits quietly and quickly, not holding a grudge against anyone and with some total perspective that it’s a game, which is nice to see for once. While he gets mic’ed up, we see that Sheila is crying but that Sharon is not, which is odd. James must really have pissed her off somehow.

Time for James’ interview with Julie. I hope they warned him not to say any dirty words this time! Julie says that he looks relieved. Duh, I would be too to be away from those people. I’d be relishing the fleeting hours between when I was evicted and when I showed up at the Jury House of the Damned. Julie asks James about his crying, and he talks about how everything is kind of magnified or whatever. Then we’re pretty quickly onto the goodbye messages (Julie used all of the time up harassing them earlier, I guess), and Natalie is of course completely ridiculous in hers, talking about how she has a “file cabinet” or whatever in her brain. Julie asks him if he’s going to be friends with anyone from the house, and he’s like “Maybe, I sort of hate all of them.” You know, for being sort of pretentious, James can be really cool sometimes. He does say that he hates Natalie and Ryan, but still: he (and Sharon) at least sometimes seem like humans, with perspective. Occasionally.

Time for the HoH competition! Each person (except Adam) gets into a glass box with chains and bars and stuff on the inside to hang onto. It’s another endurance competition; the glass box will raise up and you can’t fall out of the bottom. What, they’re not going to fling crap all over them this time? About thirty seconds in, Ryan is already sweating all over the place. I would like to take this opportunity to state for the record that I have absolutely no idea why anyone would ever find him attractive. He’s obviously sort of dumb, he’s average looking. Why is there such a contingency of people that think he’s hot? I mean, you have Adam sitting right there! Do we not remember his HoH photo? Finger guns, people!

Julie makes a half-assed effort to Probst them all into dropping, asking how things are going and whatnot before segueing into the credits. Over the credits, it looks like Sharon is already making excuses about why she is going to drop. Is she not worried about going home? If I were her, my ass would be in that box forever.