Previously, on Big Brother: Daniele won HoH and nominated Amber and Jameka. What will happen tonight? I’m going to go on and speculate that the main thing will be crying.We color in after nominations, and Jameka is telling us that she doesn’t buy that Dani nominated her and Amber because they were too nice to be standing against at the end. Amber tells us that Daniele lit her fire, and she’s “busting out of a cape, like rowwwwwwr, this is me!” If I had to guess, I’d say Amber probably put the thing on backwards. Also, ‘busting out of a cape’? An adept analogy!
I’m so riled up, I could maybe fight my way out of a paper bag, instead of crying until it gets really wet and disintegrates!
Daniele asks Jameka, who is laying on the couch outside the HoH room, if she needs to talk about nominations. Then, Daniele tells us that she thinks Jameka took the nominations pretty hard, but that Daniele is here to play a game so “that’s all there is to that”, like she’s some sort of badass all of a sudden. I don’t get it. It’s not like after Jameka got nominated, she cried all over the house, then holed herself up in one room and whined about how she hates everyone and misses Nick and wants to go home, DANIELE.
Jen tells Jessica in the hammock about how dumb they were for voting out Dustin when they should have gotten rid of Dick. They’ve already let both of them sneak through nominations twice, and Jen (whose skin looks sort of bad here) doesn’t understand how they can keep a strong pair like that around. I’d agree, but then the alliance of five would have remained strong, so it’s sort of a Sophie’s Choice. Then Jen tells us that she feels like Dick and Daniele always try to backdoor somebody and the two people that get put up at first are never the targets. Then Jen gets up from the hammock, walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror with her bare fist.
Jess and Eric lay in bed and flirt with each other about Muay Thai boxing and wrestling moves (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a chick at a bar and then she’s been like, “Can you teach me to throw a haymaker?”) when Zack busts in and interrupts them. He turn the thermostat down, and then tells us that he thinks that Eric doesn’t have any game (um…from what we’ve seen so far, he’s not exactly A.C. Slater himself) and that he enjoys busting up Eric’s shenanigans when he can. Then he jumps into bed with Jess and Eric, but it’s in like a joking way, which is totally something my friends would do just to screw with me. And which I would do to them.
Step two: register hair as lethal weapon.
They try to make it out like Eric is all uncomfortable all of a sudden, but I sort of don’t buy it. The words “Eric” and “uncomfortable” are sort of ubiquitous at this point, so it’s not really an abrupt thing. He’s tense and high energy and awkward all the time, I’m pretty sure. Basically, he’s the Kramer of Big Brother.
In the hammock out back, Amber and Jameka discuss how they’re pretty much done with Jessica and Eric. Amber is particularly done with Jessica, whom she calls a “sneaky, selfish, twenty-one year old bitch”. Again, I would like to repeat: the concept of “selfish” does not apply when EVERYONE IS TRYING TO WIN MONEY FOR THEMSELVES. Amber tells Jameka that she’s a pawn and the target is Amber, because Jameka can’t compete in the HoH comps and Amber is, of course, universally loved by all the Houseguests, the viewing audience, and various species of water buffalo. Who says that about themselves?
Amber tells Jameka that she had “vision” and that Amber is going to win POV and they’ll both be safe. You guys, I seriously hate this. She is so self-centered, possibly more than any reality TV contestant I have ever seen. Definitely worse than Dreamz, or Charla, or any of those guys. I seriously cannot think of one person on any season of Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, Real World, Road Rules, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Project Runway, Trading Spouses, Celebrity Fit Club, Joe Millionaire, Average Joe, For Love or Money, Looking For Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska, Bands on the Run, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Are You Hot?, or Britney and Kevin: Chaotic that I find more indulgent, egotistical and hypocritical than her. Except maybe Daniele.
Back from the break, Eric goes to get his America’s Player task. It turns out that America has voted to have him give the woobie to Jessica (which is nice, if a bit of a letdown. Seriously, giving that to Amber would have touched her, to the heart) so he stuffs it down the back of his pants (where all childhood keepsakes eventually end up) and heads off to compete his mission.
“There’s a candy bar down there, if you get hungry.”
Eric goes into the bedroom where Jess is laying down, and makes up a really elaborate and sort of good and believable story about how his mom made him bring it with him before he left and how it’s for when he’s scared or whatever, and Jess buys it. Task Completed! I can’t wait for the one that’s like, “Whose lock of hair and toenails would you like Eric to steal in order for him to make a creepy stalkerish shrine?” That one’s gonna be awesome, and I am going to be voting for Dick, just so you know in advance.
In the HoH, Zach and Daniele talk about how they feel like they’ve been stuck in the house for what seems like ages. Try having to write about your sorry asses every three days. They go on at length about how sick they are of everyone who is still in the house, most particularly Jen. What we learn from this segment is that they are both really bad at making fun of people and/or being clever. It’s like watching The Smurfs having a Your Momma contest.
It’s time to pick players for the veto competition. This week, the winner not only wins the veto, but also a trip out of the house with the runner-up. Eric talks about how he hasn’t been able to participate in a Power of Veto competition yet and he really wants to. Daniele picks Houseguest’s Choice and picks Dick, of course. Amber, in a bit of poetic justice I like to think comes from Jesus, picks Jessica. Then Jameka picks Zach and the house erupts into laughter because the whole ‘Eric never gets to play in the veto’ thing is a housewide joke.
After the veto balls are picked, Amber tells Jameka that God has told her that they are on the block for a reason, and that reason is so that they can both go on the trip. Again: I cannot stand this. How can anyone say things like that with a straight face and with that much conviction? Whatever that means?
Back from the break, Eric comes out of the Diary Room to announce that it’s time for the veto competition, which interrupts Dick, who was busy drinking a totally badass, punk rock, anti-establishment Starbucks Frappucino in the kitchen.
What? I put pig’s blood in it, okay?
In the backyard, all these motorcycles are set up with dividers. If you think the motorcycles are going to come into play in any way, you would be mistaken. Turns out that the producers have taken a survey of audience members about the house, and the person who guesses the percentage furthest from the correct answer will be eliminated.
The first question is about what percentage of people think Kail would make a good politician. The answer is 19 percent, and Dick, who has guessed 78 percent (because he spent his time in the house thinking that Kail was some sort of player) is eliminated. Question two: what percentage of people think life in the BB house is easy? The answer is 14%, and Zach, who guessed 62%, is eliminated. What percentage of people think that Dustin is a better boyfriend than Joe? The answer is 47%, which means that people think they both suck about equally. True?
Anyway, Jessica is eliminated. Jameka gets eliminated after a dumb question about Nick, which means that Daniele and Amber get to go on the trip. At this point I begin to hope that, in a miraculous twist, that trip is to be evicted.
The last question is about whether Zach was the sexiest bunny in the house or not. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. Amber (who is full on bawling, because HER VISION IS COMING TRUE, OMG), answers 65%, and Daniele answers 46. The correct answer is 35, so Daniele wins the Power of Veto, which I am okay with because I’m hoping it will stun Amber out of her stupid ‘God Loves Me Best’ mindset. I’m probably wrong about that, because I’m sure Amber will have a Revisionist History Flashback or something.
Dick talks about how Daniele is doing a really good job at competitions, which is hard to argue with, so propers to her for that. Amber loses her shit after everything’s over and goes over to the pool shed for a heart-to-heart with The Man. Why is the Jack Shack the epicenter of religious activity this year?
Back in the house, Dick goes for the congratulatory hug, but Dani shuts him down to take him into the bathroom and tell him that she’s going to offer Amber amnesty and use the veto on her if she promises not to put up Dani next week if she wins HoH. Dick thinks it’s a pretty good idea and tells her to go ahead with it. Now, more completely irrelevant and boring Amber and Jameka “strategy” in which Amber tells Jameka that if Dani comes to her with a deal involving anything past next week, she’s not going to take it. Jameka’s like, “Watch out! She might make you swear on your daughter!”
So Daniele puts her plan into action and takes Amber upstairs into her lair. Amber tells Dani that she would be willing to make a deal with her if Dani had something in mind. It just so happens that Daniele does, so she makes the offer that she told Dick about earlier, and Amber readily accepts, with accompanying “ding!” sound. Then, Amber overreaches unnecessarily and tells Daniele that she’ll essentially NEVER put her on the block if she’s HoH, no matter when that time happens to be (ding!). Then, she voluntarily swears on her daughter. So, I guess we can add “spineless” to the list of adjectives re: Amber. Daniele (who is dressed like the meanest Crip that Beloit, Wisconsin has ever seen) gives her a stoic look the entire time as Amber continues to promise more and more crap to Dani, including that she’ll vote however Daniele tells her on Thursday. (ding!)
Dani can’t believe this and is like, “But what of Jameka?”, and then Amber totally Judas-es her out and tells Dani that she’ll vote for Jameka if necessary. Then Amber’s like, “Would you like a kidney or one of my ovaries? It’s cool, I have two of each.”
Dick and Eric congratulate themselves in the backyard over their successful alliance and Dick brings up the possibility of backdooring Jen. Eric is amenable to it, even though he wants Zach up. They talk about how all they need to do is win HoH next week and they’re essentially the Final Four, because they can take out whichever of Zach/Jen they don’t take care of this week and Jameka can’t compete, so all they have to worry about is Amber, who isn’t really an issue. This is largely true, and also sort of depressing, because if I have to stake my hopes on Amber in order to avoid a Dick/Daniele final two, you guys are going to need a new recapper.
Back from commercial it’s time for the veto meeting. Daniele uses the Power of Veto on Amber, of course, and then puts up Jen. Daniele goes into one of her big speeches about how it’s not personal, but this is a “life changing opportunity” for everybody and she wants people who will compete to be there, or something, which Jen rolls her eyes at because she knows it’s bullshit. Seriously, Daniele is essentially saying, “This is not personal, but I really don’t respect that you’re not here for the same reasons as me, thereby making it personal.”
So, it turns out that Daniele and Amber’s big trip is to go to New York City to be on “The Power of 10″ which is actually going to be awesome, because if there’s anyone who has their finger on the pulse of society, it’s Amber. I seriously hope that they’re pitted against each other. This just may be the best idea in history.