Big Brother: We’re Just Friends

Tonight on Big Brother, Memphis shows sick tendencies, Dan poses a lot, and Jessie sweats off even more weight.

RENNY’S GONNNNNEEEEE!!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!!! God bless her, when she got the news she acted like she won an Oscar.

Don’t worship me until I’ve earned it, dowalings!

When we left off, there was a big fat sumo wrestler who looks very familiar looping Paddycake over and over again in Spanish. This show may occasionally bore us, piss us off, or thrill us, but it will always make us do one thing. THINK.

Keesha cries as she tells us how sad she is that Renny got the boot, and then she eats a cupcake. And a pot roast. Jerry, who has had a moment to readjust from Memphis’ bitch slap betrayal, is patting himself on the back for not getting sent home last week because he was the HOH, even if the rest of his reign was unsuccessful. I know a bunch of you have the hates for ole Jerr, but I have to admit that I kinda like him. I appreciate long stories about cows and snakes and the Bible and I especially love when he starts nanny boobooing other countries with his hat.

If they’d a put me in a house full of gooks and I woulda had this thing won weeks ago.

And that time we got to see him work out with the rubber arm bands? Schwing! Memphis has peaked his fauxhawk as sharp as a razor today because he did what he set out to do. Congrats, you beat a woman with thirty years on you. Douche. Too bad Memphis wasn’t on this show before he met his girlfriend, because I have a feeling I would have liked him a lot better. Let these pics serve as a lesson: stay single.

Before



After

Dan shouts at the cameras about having to get Renny out before the final two because there’s no way anyone would beat her vote wise, and he’s right. Unfortunately, he’s right very, very loudly which means he will win. I watch Numb3ers and believe in percentages. Last year Moose won and before that was Evel Dick, two of the biggest mouths in TV history. One thing Groedner likes is a formula.

Keesha tries to cry as Renny leaves, but her jeans are too tight and if she moves her diaphram her head will pop off, so she just hugs her friend and concentrates on breathing. She tells us that Renny should never be in black and white because she’s too much of a star and should always be in color. And wigs. And boas. Ok I seriously just need to let her go.

Memphis is glad that the Renegays live, but he’s worried that his flighty parnter might put him on the block again and mess it all up. Don’t worry, Cabbage Patch. I think when someone copies your hairstyle you are officially bff and they will never betray you.

Bad haircuts are thicker than blood.

Keesha is a little worried about Dan’s win, because she’s starting to sense that Dan might be closer with Memphis than with her. And you thought Hooter’s waitresses were all morons.

After Dan wins the HOH, Jerry starts babbling about how it’s a game and how camels only drink once a month and frogs wait patiently on a lily pad until something better floats by. He tells us that he feels like the whole house is always against him. Poor guy. Wait til he gets out and realizes the whole country’s against him. His return to the local Luby’s will be like that scene in Dangerous Liasons where Glenn Close gets booed out of the Opera House. Only hotter.

When the remaining HG’s get back inside, Margaret Cho is sitting in the middle of the room without her shirt on to promote her new reality show.

I hope her mom comes on. She’s hilarious.

No one quite knows what to do. Dan wants to poke her, but Jerry warns him that she will eat someone for lunch. Subtitles tell us that Cho is saying “I am sitting on what you need”, but none of the HGs can read so they have no clue what’s going on. Memphis thinks they will have to wrestle Cho, but no one will touch that one. Finally, she gets up and underneath her is a black envelope. Dan tries to talk to her again, not really getting the whole “No speaky Engly” thing, tries asking her questions. Cho just keeps repeating the same thing over and over again. Then he gets up and shoots hard boiled eggs at Keesha.

That girl will do anything for a laugh. No wonder they keep letting her on TV.

As Cho does all sorts of kicks and squats, Dan blames her for the earthquake. Classy, Dan. She can hear. When the houseguests are tired of trying to figure out how Margaret got so many zits on her butt, it seems like an eternity has passed. Finally, Dan notices the envelope under her ass and wonders if it might be a clue.

Next stop Jeopardy.

Dan and Jerry sit on the couches and watch the squat show while Memphis and Keesha hide in the kitchen, afraid that Cho’s hugeness might be contagious. I got news for you, it is. And you caught it. Cho gets up and Dan steals the envelope. It says that there will be a big luxury comp involving a trip out of the house. Memphis guesses it might be a sushi dinner, and Dan thinks it might be a trip to Japan. So different, yet the same. Awwww! Jerry guesses a trip to Vegas, and Keesha thinks it might be tickets to 9 to 5 the musical (see you there, Claire!).

Dan and Memphis go to the boy’s bedroom and do their weird pointing at each other thing and whisper congrats at each other so no one will know they’re in cahoots. Really? You have the SAME HAIR. When they’re done with their superspy thing, they go to hang out with a very worried Keesha in the other room. They listen to her, but stay quiet while giving each other superspy roll eyes. Keesha starts thinking very deeply about her situation. You can tell because she’s wearing what I can only guess are a pair of glasses Renny left behind. Could you imagine ordering hot wings from a girl in these glasses?

Where do you think you are, Applebee’s?

She tells us that she hopes Dan and Memphis would pick her over Jerry, but they won’t stop whispering to each other and linking pinkies, so she’s skerd. Later, Keesha goes outside and cries because she’s stronger and slightly more with it intellectually than Jerry and if she doesn’t win the POV she’s completely screwed she misses Renny.

Later, Memphis and Jerry sit on the tear stained outdoor furniture and talk about the game. Forgetting that until very recently Memphis rode a bike, Jerry tries the “I’ve got poor kids” thing. When he remembers that Memphis is unfazed by welfare he says that everyone in the jury house told him in code that they were going to vote for a woman to win if they got a chance. Memphis can only hear “cow cow cow cow snake snake snake snake Moses Moses Moses Moses”. It’s either keep Jerry talking or suffer the consequences when he goes in to change into his sleeveless wifebeater and jiggle his arms everywhere.

Please. For all our sakes, just keep him busy.

Later that night, Jerry has run out of stories and changed into guess what? THE RED WIFEBEATER! Told ya! He sits outside with Memphis, Dan and Keesha and they all discuss the subprime mortgage crisis and it’s effect on the economy. Just kidding. They stare at one of the spiders that lived in Michelle’s hair making a web. Memphis says that he wants to give it a moth and watch it eat it, which is how serial killers start. Well, that and torturing cats and being treated mean by their mamas. Memphis aptly names his new pet Ted and starts hunting for bugs to feed it, which freaks Keesha out. Dan gets on board and they find a moth. The spider’s like uh no so they get another one and the spider catches it and rips it to shreds. It’s pretty fascinating. Who says this show gets boring near the end?

Michelle’s pic on Match.com

Keesha calls them asses. Later, Dan tries to find someone to come fawn over his HOH room and see what ball busting pussy whipped prison bitch t-shirt his girlfriend sent over this time. There are pics of her everywhere, and Memphis tells us that Michelle and Rerun thought that Monica was fake, but he never “doubted the kid”. Except for that time that “idiot” put him on the block. Everyone compliments the pretty family/girlfriend pics. Well, everyone but Jerry, who goes on and on about how fat Dan used to be. LOL. I wish I was there just so I could walk up to Jerry and flick his underarm back and forth.

It’s just the gown. Or the tie. Or the fat.

Dan tells us that Jerry’s a dumb shit and is terrible at getting on people’s good sides. Aw, even butch loud straight guys get ruffled at the three letter word. The letter from home is from his parents.

Dearest Daniel Joseph Jesus Matthew Sam,

Please hurry up and win and get Monica out of our house. She’s eating all our food and insisting we do her laundry, run her errands, and wax her back. One night we were trying to watch the show as she stood in front of the TV and screamed curse words and poked it with a branding iron, and when we mentioned how cute we thought Keesha was she turned the iron on us and we had to get a hotel room for two days until she calmed down. Tell Keesha and Memphis we love them and tell Jerry to stop wearing wife beaters…. Oh yeah. Your team lost. AGAIN. Love, Mom, Dad, and the Holy Spirit. Peace be with you.

As the HG’s sleep that night, crafty PA’s are putting the set together for the luxury comp, which involves a gorilla, a contortionist and a giant hot dog. Magically, Keesha is dreaming the exact same thing. The gorilla comes into the house and goes to the diary room, takes off his mask, and then starts putting all sorts of English words that don’t go together in the same sentence. Jessie!!

Possibly sensing that he was a total dickwad the first time he was on TV, this time he’s trying out a wacky, friendly personality complete with giant ears and goofy eyebrow positions. Good to see he hasn’t gained back that six pounds he lost in the house, because I like seeing what his skeleton looks like under his skin. It’s hot.

From the house. Not our hearts.

He tells us that it’s time for a rude awakening, “and this time it’s my turn! How’s that sound…?” He almost nannyboobooed Renny, but she’s gone. WAAAAAHHHHHH. We were robbed of our DISRESPECT montage. He puts on his mask and does a Walk Like an Egyptian dance, and then that “reinvigorating Microsoft” commercial with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates comes on where they’re in a shoe store. Does anyone get wtf that ad is going for? I tried to Google info about it but then Windows crashed. Ah well.

Back from break, Jessie runs into everyone’s rooms and wakes them up. Keesha jolts awake and asks where the hot dog is and then joins the other HGs in the backyard. Dan tells us how wacky the whole set up is but all I can hear are nipples.

Dustin is sitting at home right now feeling much less alone in the world.

Dan is openly turned on by the contortionist, and I hope he wins HOH one more time so I can hear Monica’s letter. There are all sorts of clues in the yard. There’s a diamond, an elephant, a statue, a spaceship…I imagine that this is how Renny’s house is furnished. The game is to put the clues together to form a common phrase. When they guess, they ring a bell and go to the diary room and they get three hours. To the people who pay for the live feeds, I feel for you. The winner gets time out of the house and this challenge can possibly “change the game.” The HG’s start concentrating very hard on the clues. Especially Dan.

Jessie copies the HGs actions in a “monkey see monkey do” kind of a way, and everyone likes him. If he had just had a silencing mask from the beginning, he would have won this thing. Every so often, Jessie removes one of the clues from the yard or covers it with a sheet, meaning it’s a red herring. That would mean the wisest thing to do would be to wait until the last minute to make your guesses so that you’re sure you have all the correct clues. Shocker, Jerry is the first to get a phrase. He guesses “Don’t shit where you eat” because he was eating a banana by an emu, and all emus do is shit. When it’s removed from the backyard and the banana is being digested, Jerr knows he boned that one.

He guesses again, this time going for “diamonds cut class, ballers get ass” because there’s a diamond, he has huge balls, and the contortionist won’t stop showing off her ass. Jessie keeps dancing around, and Keesha giggles that hideous laugh. She guesses “blew it” because there’s a blueberry and an egg with “it” on it. She answers half heartedly and admits that she probably “blew it”. Make an effort, woman! Meanwhile, Dan is seriously sitting on the porch staring at the contortionist. Damn, Catholic Dan. Keep it in your pants. She finally gets uncomfortable and leaves.

Jerry thinks he knows another one, so he strides toward the bell and rings it and then waves at no one. Dan is offended by Jerry’s cockiness, which is hilarious to me because Dan is shirtless and fauxhawked and very very cocky. Jerry guesses “Fuck with a bitch, sleep in the doghouse” because both a dog and Keesha are in the yard, and the yard is in the back of a house. When he’s done guessing, Jessie covers up the dog and the hot dog, which makes Jerry 0 for 0. He mutters “I guess I should have waited.” No, come on. You did great. Keesha looks like she finally has it all figured out.

She guesses “Leggo my Eggo” because there’s an egg in the backyard. Man, you wanna root for the underdogs but she and Jerry are really making it tough. Memphis tells Dan that the hardest games for him are crossword puzzles and making phrases out of random pieces of Renny’s furniture and anything that requires spelling or addition or science or reading or writing or geography. Jessie puts his thumb in his mouth, calling Memphis a baby, and for once, the kid has a point.

With about fifteen minutes to go, Dan finally makes a guess, “Bury the hatchet”, because there’s a berry and a hatching egg with “it” on it. He’s followed by Memphis, who guesses “fruitless exit” with the same clues. Dan is officially the smartest person in this house. If that doesn’t make you take a closer look at our educational system, nothing will. During his exit on the way back to oblivion, Jessie walks past Dan, who smells Axe and stank hormone sweat and guesses it’s him. See? Brains.

Three hours are up. The HGs go inside and there is a gorilla glove hanging on Jessie’s picture. They all stand there for awhile and try to decide whether or not the gorilla was Jessie. HAHA sometimes I literally feel the tingles of love for this show. And…Dan wins with bury the hatchet! He gets to go to a remote island for a day with either a HG or a jury member of his choice. Instead of choosing right away, Dan pretends he’s in a Calvin Klein ad.

He’s afraid of taking Memphis because he doesn’t want people to think they’re in cahoots. He’s not kidding, and I love him for it. Hmmm. Who should it be?

Michelle would be so happy to be alone with a man that she might forgive him for backdooring her. Hmmm…..

Michelle is has the biggest mouth and the most hate for him, so he chooses her. Now how this translates into luxury, I have no idea. Maybe they’ll get to see an Ashton Kutcher movie, too. Dan decides not to tell the HGs that he is taking a jury member and instead tells them that he had the option of taking one of them or going alone and he didn’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings so he’s going alone. Memphis starts flattening out his fauxhawk and trying not to be mad, and Jerry says that he’s shocked Dan’s not taking his bf. Dan senses that Jerry knows something is up and is afraid his plan will “backfire me.” There’s the Dan we know!

Later in the HOH, Dan and Memphis try to decide who to put on the block. Whoever wins the veto this week will have the only vote to oust someone, so if Memphis doesn’t win they need to have a backup plan. They still think that no one has a clue that they’re dating, so they decide the best plan would be to put Memphis up and let Keesha think she’s safe so she doesn’t lose her shit. Then they go downstairs holding hands and shaping each other’s hawks.

As if he knows that Monica senses her relationship is in danger, Dan shows up to the nomination ceremony in his prison bitch t-shirt and a new headscarf, presumably made by you know who. Dan stands in front of the wall of pictures and salutes Jerry, shaking his head and muttering “75 years old!” Just do your business, please. The jury can’t see you.

A boy like that will kill your brother. If his girlfriend lets him out of the house.

Dan gives a speech about the gringos moving in on his territory and not being able to stand for it any more. Then he pulls out a comb switchblade and dances around the room. On with it! Memphis and Jerry are on the block, and Keesha can’t believe it. You can see her mind spinning. Or ticking. Ok her mind probably isn’t doing anything, but her face is all scrunched up.

Wait. Is there a giant hot dog outside or not? WAKE ME UP!

Jerry and Keesha both fall for this trick. Keesha thinks Dan actually wants to take her to the end, and Jerry thinks now that Dan’s betrayed Memphis again, Jerry can be sneaky and use his infamous powers of persuasion to make Memphis his best friend. Well played, Daniel. Well played. Tune in Tues to see Michelle fall in love all over again, and as always check out our live feed recappers in the forums, who are doing a bang up job this year at catching every fart, sneeze, and moth torture.