Big Brother: We’re Talkin’ Game Now Jessie, It’s Gettin’ Ugly

Happy Monday, gasmaholics! No, you didn’t sleep through the whole week. I’m back early! Flippy is dying to unleash some snark on the Chenbot this week, so he’s taking Thursday and I’m taking Sunday. Just go with it, k? We’ll be aight.

Tonight, Announcer Guy promises that “a love triangle turns ugly!” And they reuse the clip of Ronnie sobbing “I miss my wife” right before the theme. HAHAHA.

This will never ever get old.

So, when we last left our hamsters, Laura was evicted. Two weeks in and the only person in the house with sense is already gone. Let the fun begin! Houseguest reactions: Jordan complains that she’s the only popular person left. Also, she’s the most modest person she knows. Ronnie sees the writing on the wall, but promised the wifey that he wouldn’t give in without a good cry fight. The Hamburglar thinks he is flying under the radar. And… big sigh…

Jessie is HOH again.

No, we weren’t dreaming Thursday night. This is all too real. Even more annoying, Jessie has picked up the nasty habit of talking about himself in the third person. I mentioned Thursday that Jessie winning was the best outcome for Ronnie, and Kevin agrees with me. So does Ronnie. Whew, I feel so validated. Apparently the plan for the week is to back-door Ronnie instead of just putting him up. Why? It’s not like he’s a veto champ or anything.

Seriously. THIS guy?

Meanwhile, Jessie says in the DR “I feel no obligation to put up Ronnie. He didn’t lie to me. As far as I’m concerned, Ronnie is solid.” Finally, someone is starting to play the game up in here.

Quick flashback to the Mini Muscle doing his Evel Dick stunt on Ronnie from Thursday night. Then the Muscle drops a bomb: he has a secret alliance with Ronnie. We see him sneaking into the HOH room sometime back when Ronnie was doing a Brian Wilson in there.

And then he runs screaming from the sight of Ronnie in boxer briefs.

Seriously, shoutout to whoever saw that coming in the comments! You are teh aewsum! Unless you saw it on the live feeds, you cheater.

Ratalie and The Muscle worry that Jessie is thinking independently of his cliche. Not to worry guys, I’m pretty sure that won’t get him far. They also want Casey gone because he almost won the last game. You know, the game where they basically drew random numbers.

Seriously. THIS guy?

That’s what worries me.

Ratalie sneaks up to Ronnie and suggests he go out and hang in the back yard with all the people that hate him, because “you know you’re good this week.” Ronnie brags about his “main alliance” with the Athletes.

OK, I gotta beef with the editors here. Last week they made it look like everyone, Athletes included, were after Ronnie. Now it seems he and the Athletes are tighter than that unfortunate pair of boxer briefs. I’m fine with editing to make the story better and take out all the boring crap, it’s why I don’t watch the live feeds. But don’t totally mislead us. That’s just cheating. Or, as we say here in South Carolina, goin’ to Argentina.

Anyway, Jessie’s HOH room redux features more pix of Jessie flexing and measuring his biceps and being a cute little kid. Jordan eyerolls. “Jessie loves himself. I guess that impresses SOME girls.” Cut to Lydiot and then Ratalie. File that away under “not-so-subtle foreshadowing of 10 minutes from now”. Lydiot gushes over a pic of Jessie’s motorcycle, or as he calls it “my other baby”. The chick with the tattoos digs the bike? Jump in that stereotype with both feet, Lydiot.

So it seems the house is split along these lines: The Athletes + Ronnie, People Who Hate Ronnie, and the floaters Chia and Michele. People Who Hate Ronnie (seriously, have they done any actual game-playing?) are having a meeting in the back yard worrying whether Jessie will stick to “the plan” and vote Ronnie out. Ratalie comes over to snoop, and Casey tells us how he really feels about Ronnie, in flawless Ebonics. Or at least the dialect of it that’s spoken by middle-aged white guys in Florida. “He ain’t Superman, he ain’t got no crystal ball, that bitch puts his pants on like everybody else… it’s like making a deal with the devil.” It seems one bad metaphor alone is not enough to express Casey’s hatred of Ronnie.

Ratalie, of course, goes straight back to Jessie to report.

Rat in the Hat

Jessie blows off Casey, since 1) Casey doesn’t know about the Athletes’ deal with Ronnie and 2) I mean, just look at the guy.

I think we’ve covered this already.

My head is spinning, so let’s take a break from all this hardcore game action. BTW, what’s up with the funky neon graphics on the new BB ads? I feel like I’m watching a promo for You Can’t Do That On Television.

Ah gee, look at the time! It must be time for the Showmance of the Week! This week’s hot ticket is… Jessie and Lydiot sitting in the hammock. She’s all covered up from head to toe like that makes it less obvious. In the DR, she admits to a “kindergarten crush” on Jessie. Which is actually quite age-appropriate.

Guns & Roses

So they’re on the hammock and all I can think is, I hope they wash that thing between seasons. Lydiot’s in the middle of confessing some deep Offbeaty angsty stuff to him, or maybe quoting some Plath, but he keeps interrupting her. LOL. In the DR, Jessie compares Lydiot to a caterpillar in a cocoon, but can only maintain talking about someone else for about ten seconds, and then says he is also a caterpillar in a cocoon and a beautiful butterfly pops out when you take the time to get to know him. Pretty sure I have absolutely no desire to see whatever’s inside Jessie’s cocoon. Speaking of which, Ronnie wants to make up for last week, “kiss some butts and rebuild some bridges,” mixaphorically speaking. The first butt he wants to rebuild is Michele’s, but she’s not having any of it.

Ready to see some more hot steamy showmance action? No? Too bad. Lydia and Jessie have moved from the hammock to the couch. She taps her cheek, which I guess means she wants him to kiss it. He kisses his hand and pats her cheek with it.

Because Jessie would obviously rather kiss himself than some mere girl.

Then the high school fun really begins. Ratalie and Ducky and Chia join them. Lydiot shoots Ratalie a dirty look and goes inside. Jessie gets Ratalie to stretch out on the couch and starts rubbing her shoulders. Lydiot comes right back out, of course, has nowhere to sit, and is none too pleased by this shocking turn of events.

Ducky is all, “Lydia’s into Jessie, Natalie’s into Jessie, Jessie’s into Jessie.” Ducky, sadly, is into no one in this scenario. In case you don’t remember, this is the part in the movie where Andrew McCarthy asks Molly Ringwald to the prom and Ducky realizes Molly has been totally tooling him for the whole movie. So if you count Ducky, this is like a love what, pentagon? Gross.

Lydiot gives up the fight and goes to bed, and as soon as she’s out of earshot Ratalie tells Jessie that perhaps Lydiot doesn’t like her. Maybe she’s jealous. You know, of their… friendship. Jessie complains that he’s got two women fighting over him, totally deadpan. “It’s tough being me sometimes… it’s not always a good thing to be ridiculously good looking.” I have to give Jessie some credit here. Has anybody else on this show ever done such a good job making a caricature of themselves? Props, dewd.

Did I say TWO women? Michele has been feeling left out, so she squeezes into her shortest skirt and goes up to the HOH room to break off a piece of that for herself. She makes an awkward promise of loyalty, and suggests he put up Jordan. Ratalie does the smart thing (hey, someone has to) and asks her for a guarantee of safety next week (to “not put us two up”).

Now Jessie may not be the brightest knife in the shed, but he knows (and loves) empty flattery when he sees it. “Michele is like a horrible car salesman. A whole lot of nothing comes out of her mouth to convince me of anything.” And Jessie is like a horrible speaker of Engllish. A whole lot of nothing comes out of his mouth that doesn’t mean anything.

Commercial. Hey, here’s a trailer for The Time Traveler’s Wife. This looks interesting and all, but, I mean really…

The Time Traveler’s Wife. The Astronaut’s Wife. The Pilot’s Wife.

Sci-fi meets chick lit. Is there a name for this genre mashup? Hey, we could do a spinoff of this season and call it “The Gaming Expert’s Wife”! Mrs. Ronnie is definitely more telegenic than her husband.

Back from break, and we’re in the kitchen where Jordan is complaining about being on slop as one of the Have-Nots.

“You take cold showers… the bed is hard… you have to sleep like an Eskimo…”

Have Eskimos not heard of bras?

Something tells me it’s time for the Have/Have Not Competition!

Jessie’s wearing a shirt that says “BEER” on it and talking with a really bad imitation of a Southern accent–but, to be fair, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a good imitation of a Southern accent. Then Casey tries out the accent too. No, wait, that’s his real accent. Anyway, it’s pick on NASCAR this week, y’all. Jordan should feel right at home! The lucky contestants are Jordan, Chia and Ducky. Here’s the deal: they ride around a track on little keg-shaped carts, picking up big Styrofoam ice cubes and tossing them in the other teams’ 55-gallon drums. Wearing “Big Brother Beer Goggles”. While the drums are spinning. Jordan throws an ice cube in her own drum by mistake, then complains the others are targeting her. Well, since you decided to help, sweetie. This is too easy, so they get sprayed with foam. Jordan says getting sprayed with white stuff actually feels pretty good.

I’m just gonna let Flipit take this one.

Jessie, accent getting crappier by the second, counts the ice cubes. Brains lose by 1 and are the new Have-Nots. Now Chia is the one complaining about being targeted. Seriously people. There are only three people playing. Everybody’s targeting everybody. Get a life.

On top of all that, it’s time for America’s Choice! Remember? Which food do you want the Have Nots to be stuck with for the week? Ronnie thinks America wants to torture them. He doesn’t know the half of it. And I’m not going to keep you in suspense any longer, because I know you’re dying to hear the results. America chose… cabbage and cocktail weenies. Chia complains that America sucks. Also that her team “is full of dorks.” Why yes, Chia. Yes, it is.

Down to bidness now. Jordan, the representative of the People Who Hate Ronnie, makes the pilgrimage up to the HOH room to bow before Jessie and Ratalie.

Ummmmm

Jessie greets her with a big ol’ “Hey Scooter!” Yes, I will be making frequent and shameless use of that nickname. I love it when they do my work for me. She says Ronnie must go, and… well, that pretty much covers it. At the end of this meeting of the minds, Scooter sums it up thusly:

“We’re talkin’ game now, Jessie. It’s gettin’ ugly.”

I’m just gonna let that one soak in.

“Mmm, nope, still no bra. Score!”

So after discussing the finer points of Big Brother game theory with Jessie, Scooter reports back to Jeff that all is good, because Jessie told her he wasn’t Going Against The Wishes Of The House. I love how the Ronnie-Haters keep using that term.” They’re on the ball, y’all. Jeff has a few doubts, but “right now I feel as good it gets in the BB house.” I guess he hasn’t discovered the Jack Shack yet.

So this week’s America’s Vote is.. the same as last week’s. Really, could they not come up with a better method of audience participation? I know you’re dying to send those texts, so here are your choices:

1) Squash and squid

2) Brussels sprouts and borscht (both of which I love, BTW)

3) Liverwurst and black licorice

4) Super fast disclaimer copy

I vote for the super fast disclaimer copy. If they want to torture the Have-Nots they could play it over and over again at random times during the day and night.

Oh, and here’s a promo for the live feeds. “Can’t get enough of BB?” Chenbot wants to know. I miss the old pre-domesticated Chenbot raising her eyebrow and saying “Do you like to watch?”

So anyway. We’ve seen showmances blossoming everywhere this week. Lydia with Jessie. Natalie with Jessie. Jessie with Jessie. And now, for the piece de resistance:

Wish they were with Jessie.

They’re talking about luuuuv, of course. Kevin’s gone steady for nine years. So, like, since he was forty. Russell wants a girlfriend, but can’t settle down. And lemme tell ya, Straight White Lunkhead Gets In Touch With His Inner Queen is a storyline that never gets old. Russell is growing lamb chops to go with his Hamburglar stache. Can we have Cowboy and Marcellas guest on one episode and dress the four of them up as the VIllage People?

Time for more Lydiot / Ratalie drama! Lydiot complains that Ratalie hasn’t had to switch beds or share beds with anybody the whole time she’s been in the house. “It’s kind of like a college dorm. You’re rotating, you’re switching.” Which explains a lot about Lydiot, you ask me. Ratalie refuses to switch beds so Lydiot can sleep by herself, or something. I’m not really clear on anything except 1) this is hilarious and 2) Jessie is mysteriously not offering to let them both sleep in the bed with him. Forgot to take the testosterone pills this morning, didya, Jess? Lydiot decides to stay up all night instead of going to sleep, to prove a point. The point being that she’s the most passive-aggressive person in the history of the show. “She should learn when to keep her mouth shut,” Lydiot says. Told her, didn’tcha? I bet Ratalie will never forgive you for letting her sleep while you got to stay up all night. You go, girl. Ducky points out that Lydiot’s crazy behavior is making her a target.

Sure enough, Ratalie puts her Bloods colors on and tells Daddy she wants Lydiot gone. “I’m not gonna talk to Lydia and she better not talk to me. Tell her not to talk to me.” OMG. She dint! “She’s jealous of us… if I win HOH I’m putting her up.” Ratalie is also totally not signing Lydiot’s yearbook this year, you guys!

“Sorry, I tuned you out 5 minutes ago when you quit talking about me.”

So like any good polygamist, Jessie troops off to his other wife to get her side. Lydiot, having been up all night sticking it to Ratalie, wants to wait until tomorrow to talk about it in the HOH room, but there’s a problem:

I’m totally stealing that name too.

Old Girl is, in fact, snooping on them with the HOH cam this very minute, but Lydiot demands exclusive time with Jessie. “That’s great that you guys are talking. Lydia’s not joining that conversation.” And now Lydiot is talking about herself in the third person. Jessie must be contagious.

After the commercial, it’s finally time to get it over with and do the nominations. Let’s get preactions from the Houseguests. Casey says if Jessie doesn’t get Ronnie out “he has added yet another target to his back”. Jessie’s back must resemble like a Target commercial by now. Ronnie feels relatively safe. Michele is worried because “I don’t have that many friends. Nobody cares if I walk out the door.” You know she’s holding back big fat nerd tears and wishing she could curl up with her Haagen-Dasz and her Say Anything DVD. In perhaps the most unnecessary statement ever to come out of the office of HOH, Jessie lets us know that his nominations are all about himself. In other news: the economy is going through a bit of a rough spot.

Jessie pulls out the Athlete keys, then, in order: Chima, Kevin, Casey, Lydia, Ronnie. Lots of raised eyebrows from the Ronnie-haters. Here’s Jessie’s speech, in all its glory:

“I nominated you, Jordan, and you, Michele, for eviction this week. That’s it.”

Best. Nomination Speech. Evar.

You can’t improve on perfection, but Jessie elaborates in the DR by saying he put them up because they “aren’t exactly killer instinct competitors” for POV. And I’m actually starting to like Jessie. Curse you, Flipit.

Ronnie gives us his best (which is to say, awful) imitation of a Chill Town post-nomination speech, ringing phone and all.

Hello, Mr. Boogie, sir? Will you let me into Les Deux now?

My loony prediction for the rest of the week: Michele comes off the block and Jeff goes up, putting the Ronnie-haters in the minority. Scooter goes home, depriving us of some choice comic relief.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?