Big Brother: What Are We Going To Do Tonight, Brain?

So, in case you missed it, this guy is HOH:

The same thing we do every Thursday night, Pinky: watch a live show and pray for a malfuncChen.  

Jordan is up on the block, because The Brain didn’t have The Stones to go up against The Muscle. So it’s Jugs vs. Roots this week.

And gravity is winning.

Diary room reactions from the Gravity Girls: Jordan feels betrayed. I’ve given up calling her Jordan because no one this dumb can be THAT boring. Laura thinks Ronnie would be stupid not to send her home, because she’s “a little bit wiser” than Jordan. Only a little bit? Don’t sell yourself short. Speaking of selling herself, Jugs primps in a bikini as Jordan says “Laura’s a bigger threat than me, because she’s smart,” and Jeff agrees. “No offense, but I think she is too.” LOL. Jordan thinks this is funny, which proves his point.

Brief tease of a potential showmance between Jeff and Jordan, mostly because we need it to set up later events. Jordan says Jeff “kinda reminds me of me, but just a boy version of me,” which is really funny because now that I think of it, she talks just like Bobby on King of the Hill.

Which, I guess, means Jeff is Luanne in this scenario.

Laura gives us the obligatory I’ll-campaign-against-my-friend Diary Room speech. She tries to convince Ronnie to keep her in over Jordan because Jeff is aligned with Jordan, and because Laura has better assets. Like her, uh, brain. Yeah. So Ronnie calls a meeting of the Geek Squad.

Which has a raging case of the munchies.

He wants to talk them into voting Jordan out.

Because how can you resist a face like this?

Also, when you put two mental giants like Jordan and Jeff together, they’ll have the house doing their bidding in like 25 minutes. Or a quarter of an hour, I get those mixed up. Ronnie says he should have put Mini Muscle up, because Laura says she’s convinced Russell to try and sway votes for her. Laura said no such thing, of course, and Ronnie is not as smart as he thinks, because he doesn’t realize that Ratalie is going to go squeal all this to Jessie. Jessie calls an emergency Athletes meeting, because maybe between the four of them they can summon up enough brainpower to figure out exactly who is throwing whom under what bus. Jeff says that nothing’s adding up to him. Which comes as a surprise to no one, I’m sure.

Nope, still not enough brainpower here, so everyone ends up dragged into the convo. It’s Jugs in one corner, and Ronnie in the other. Laura has the truth on her side, and an even more powerful weapon: tears. Ronnie who has never ever before had the power to make a woman cry, is speechless and flees to the HOH room.

Deer, meet headlights.

Mini Muscle, unsatisfied with the calm and order of the proceedings, goes after Ronnie just to make things a little less civilized. Ronnie proceeds to name everyone in the house he hasn’t lied to, leaving Laura and Russell out. LOL.

Can’t see me peeing my pants behind this rail. Nyaah!

Laura is smart enough to finally figure out that Ronnie’s been playing half of the house against the other half. To this, Ronnie says, and I kid you not, “Lies! Vicious lies!” He runs to the HOH room to wax his dastardly mustache. Mini Muscle shakes his burly fist at the HOH spy cam.

Let’s lighten the mood with some Chenbot, shall we?

The Chenbump is going to have to get a lot bigger before she can pull off the pumpkin look.

After the break, Ronnie spends the rest of the week curled up in a fetal position in the HOH room, binging on Pringles, Special K and Sour Patch Kids. The voice of Big Brother makes a rare broadcast appearance to send Ronnie to the Diary Room. “Oh Big Brother, you like to torture me, don’t you? Make me go out there to that den of serpents.” LOL. Wuss. He tiptoes out the door trying to blend in with the wallpaper. Mini Muscle has been lying in wait outside the door to follow Ronnie around the house, let loose with some smack talk. If this clever strategy doesn’t ring a bell, maybe the accompanying biker muzak does… oh, that’s right…

I understand Russell a lot better now, and I fear for the rest of the season.

Way to pick a role model, Russ. What you’ve failed to consider is that Evel Dick was, I dunno, ONLY THE MOST HATED HOUSEGUEST IN BIG BROTHER HISTORY. Not like Will-Kirby-love-to-hate-him hated, JUST-PLAIN-D-BAG HATED. Even Jessie and Ratalie notice you’re being a total Dick. Besides, isn’t it kind of overkill for intimidating this guy?

Help me, Obi-Wife, you’re my only hope.

It’s live interview time! Ratalie gets the first Chenbot Softball: what’s the mood in the house like? “We have united as one, unlike last week… against one particular person.” Cut to Ronnie. Nice.

Flashback to Sunday’s show and the luxury competition. They must be short on actual footage this week if we’re replaying video from 2 shows ago. The Houseguest reactions are boring. “Michele, which one of the guys wore it best?” She says Jeff had a nice rack. I want to say something about a rack of test tubes but it just doesn’t seem worth it. Ducky liked Casey’s outfit the best, and even goes so far as to give him “2 snaps!” Oh, Ducky. You just took away my big gun. It was so much better last week when the snaps were figurative. Jeff says he won’t live it down with his buds back home.

Other things Jeff won’t live down:

After a promo for There Goes The Neighborhood (Big Brother with twice the contestants and half the reward! What’s not to like?), Chenbot tells us that Ronnie’s “Internet nickname” is “The square root of all evil”. Does anyone buy this? I’d bet a week of slop that one of the staff came up with that five minutes ago. Chenbot, of all people, should know that official Big Brother Internet nicknames come from right here on the gasm, and neither Floonie nor myself would stoop to such a lame nickname. Just ask Russell the Rage Muscle. Anywho, it’s time for the HOH special one-on-one time with the Chenbot. She asks the obvious question: WTF were you thinking when you tried to play both sides? That never ever works, unless your name is Alison or Jun. He claims he’s loyal to the Athletes, which is why he didn’t put up Russell: it was too early to go against them. I ain’t buying it. Occam’s Razor and the yellow stain on Ronnie’s crotch tell me he’s terrified of Mini Muscle.

Next quesChen: why has Ronnie been hiding out in the HOH room? He says it’s to get sympathy, and he has been known to go without food for longer during periods of intense gaming. Well, maybe, if you don’t count the Sour Patch Kids and boogers.

Now on to the nominee questions. Jordan says it’s been “a crazy week”.

And has the crazy eyes to prove it.

She rambles something about rats, and not flying all the way out here not to be here. Yeah, I didn’t follow either. She follows that up with an even more bizarre exchange that has Casey saying “Big Mac!” Is McDonald’s coughing up for product placement in the house?

Apparently so, since the Hamburglar is living there.

Jugs’ speech is smooth and flattering (to everyone but Ronnie) and awesome. Time for votes! Jeff is up first and, predictably, votes for Laura. Jessie also votes for Laura. It’s looking unanimous. But Ratalie is next, and says she’s going to spice things up, and votes for Jordan instead. O RLY? What is this supposed to accomplish? Are they trying to make someone it look like Ronnie has an ally in the house? I don’t get it, but it can’t be that complicated. If Ratalie is doing it, that means Jessie thought of it.

Everyone else votes out Jugs. So sorry, Flipit, but your new heroine is out. The Houseguests stand around while they pin the mic on Laura, which takes a little extra time because they have to be careful not to spring any leaks. Jordan gives Mini Muscle a great big hug, just like Lydiot did last week. How does this guy get to be the white knight? He’s even wearing a black hat, which any country fan can tell you just screams Bad Boy. We go back to Chenbot and Laura, but only for a second. Someone’s loaded Chenbot with Ryan Seacrest’s programming this week instead, because the interview with Laura has to wait until after the break. Straight to commercial.

Is it just me, or do the trailers for Transformers and Fast & Furious look an awful lot alike?

Chenbot wants to know why Ronnie was gunning for Laura, which is obvious to anyone actually watching the show, but Chenbot has no way of knowing this. Laura explains slowly and patiently that Ronnie 1) knew she was onto him and 2) was too chicken to go up against Russell directly. She says she’s OK with leaving, since she’s probably taken Ronnie down with her.

OK, hold up a minute. This has got to be the dumbest reason I’ve ever heard for getting evicted. Jugs, in case you didn’t notice, you’re. OUT. And Ronnie’s? IN. What’s more, if you hadn’t ratted out the rat, you? Would STILL BE IN. And you call yourself a student of the game? Whose game exactly? Are you wearing Marcellas Underoos?

But let’s hear it from The Brain himself. Ronnie’s is the first goodbye video. He says Laura is gone because she had, and I quote, “diarrhea of the mouth”. I don’t think I’ve heard that phrase since fourth grade. Except I might have used it in a House recap once. But moving on. Casey says Laura is out because she wasn’t a sheep. Make up your own joke about Casey and sheep. Mini Muscle goes next and says he’s going to miss watching her, um, work on her tan. So yeah. Let’s keep Pervy McStache around awhile longer, why not? Kevin is next. “You never asked me to not vote for you.” Leave it to Ducky to make his farewell video all about Ducky.

That’s it for the videos. Chenbot asks Laura who she wants to win HOH. Either Jordan or one of the Offbeats, she says. You know, maybe it’s the oversized teeth, but she’s actually kind of well-spoken and intelligent-sounding. Maybe calling her Jenius 2.0 wasn’t all that far off. Except she’s, well, evicted.

Before showing us the actual HOH competition, Chenbot shows us clips of the Houseguests practicing for the game. They must really need to fill up space this episode. The game involves launching a ball off a teeter-tottery contraption into an array of holes, much like skee-ball. They call it “Buzzworthy”, because 1) there are fake plastic bees everywhere, and 2) the holes are arranged in a hexagon like a honeycomb, and 3) there is no 3. Not much to see here. This season has so far been long periods of brain-rotting boredom interspersed with moments of extreme conflict and intimidation. It really is just like high school!

Mindless drones, queen bees and all!

After yet another break, Michele goes first. She scores 4 points and goes to stand in the “winner’s circle” by virtue of being the first player. This lasts about three seconds, until Jessie scores a 6. Michele is eliminated and Jessie is the leader. Wow, this game is going to take no time at all. We’re just zipping along tonight. It could have gone even faster if they’d just had everyone think of a number between 1 and 20. Ducky is next with 5, Natalie shoots a 2, and Lydiot a 1. YAWN. Next comes Russell… AFTER THE BREAK. Yep, the Chenbot definitely got loaded up with Seacrest’s programming by accident tonight.

Also, wasn’t this guy eliminated in like the first night of Idol finals?

When we come back, Russell shoots a 5, HotLips and Jordan both shoot 3, and Jeff shoots another 6. A tie, a tie! Now Jessie and Jeff are both standing in a 3-foot circle, which cramps Jessie’s flexing. Last is Casey, whose ball skips off 10 and ends up in a 1 hole. The suspense, it is killing me. In the tiebreaker round, Jessie lands another 6, and Jeff’s ball bounces off 7 and lands in 3. And seriously, the whole game was over in less time than it took you to read about it. Unless you’re Jordan.

And yes, Schoonie, I regret to inform you that Jessie is HOH.

Again.

Handshakes and congrats all around, except for Ronnie. He’s getting totally ignored.

During ANOTHER commercial break, there’s a trailer for this new Orphan movie. “More shocking than The Sixth Sense!” Really, is that still the gold standard for twisty suspense movies starring creepy kids? It’s been ten years. The trend cycle, it spins so fast these days.

The Chenbot asks Jessie how he feels about winning HOH again. “I just wanna eat,” says Jessie, and says athletes can’t keep up their muscle mass on just protein drinks. Aren’t muscles pretty much made of protein? Anyway, you should totally talk to Russell about hitting up his stache, I mean stash, of steroids. Or maybe Big Brother rations those out like they do cigarettes.

Since that game took like twelve seconds, we have still more air time to kill, so Chenbot pulls a filler question out of the stack of cue cards hiding the Chenbump. She asks Casey what it was like to miss his son’s first birthday. She’s a cold one, is our Chenbot.

“I think of my little boy every time I dress like him.”

Finally it’s eavesdropping time, but nothing interesting happens. Ronnie paces around trying to act like he planned the whole getting-ignored-by-everyone thing, and strangely, everyone kind of ignores Jessie too.

So. Most boring episode yet this season? Except for the haRussment of Ronnie, which would have been interesting had we not seen it 2 seasons ago, this one was a snoozer. Is Jessie winning HOH the best outcome for Ronnie? I think so, but it won’t keep him off the block. There’s no way Jessie is putting Mini Muscle up yet-he’s doing all Jessie’s dirty work. And what was up with Natalie giving Laura the sympathy vote?

As the bot would say, Stay with us!