Happy Birthday, Keesha!After the nomination ceremony, we color in on Jessie’s bitchface, from which he is bitching (out of his face) about the nominations, telling us that he thinks it’s “an honor” to be nominated three times in four weeks. Yeah, it’s just like you’ve won the Nobel Prize for Douchebaggery. You’re like the Jane Goodall of douchebags. April tells us that her target is actually Memphis, and what’s with these people refusing to evict Jessie? Why would anyone think Memphis is a threat? What, is his moustache going to walk off his face and stab you to death in the dark of night? She tells us that her alliance wants Jessie out, but that’s too damn bad because she gets to make the decisions. I realize that these people have just been doing whatever the HOH wants for the last few weeks, but don’t they know that they have a vote and they can make their own choices? I can’t believe all these people are just doing what one person wants.
Dan goes to get his America’s Player task, which instructs him to hug someone for ten seconds. First of all, I hate Debby from Ohio or whoever the hell it was that came up with this task. You can’t think of a single thing better than this? I hope you wander onto one of Ohio’s many giant boring stretches of highway. Anyway, Dan is not happy about having to hug Jessie. He comes up with a rather genius method of pretending to have a freakout about his girlfriend outside the house and bonding with Jessie that way, since he has one too. Jessie falls for it hook, line and sinker and is all up in Dan’s face trying to comfort him in the most ridiculously intense way possible. As he and Jessie hug, the editors put a convenient little clock at the bottom like it’s The Price is Right or something. The beautiful part is, since Jessie and Dan’s homoerotic hug goes long, they just keep counting the seconds like “Dude, you guys can let go anytime.” Dan looks over Jessie’s shoulder and mugs for the camera. After Jessie leaves, Dan asks him to close the door so he can compose himself and then celebrates his victory. Way to go, you completed the lamest task ever! Next week: Dan has to do ten jumping jacks.
Dan violates the five second rule
After picking players for the veto competition (Michelle, Libra, and Jerry are chosen to play with April, Jessie and Memphis), April sits up in the HOH room with her crew to talk about the veto competition. Libra makes the very valid point that the veto competition could be anything, so they need to take the fact that Jerry is competing very seriously. Well, looks like someone has changed her tune about the whole “old people competing” deal. April is like “Yeah, if it’s a nose picking competition!” and: nice one, April. What’s next, telling him your dad can beat up his dad?
Anyway, Libra takes offense to this for some reason, and starts going off about how no one in the house respects her or thinks she can do well in competitions. That’s a nice slice of poetic justice, right there. Anyway, Libra works herself into a big tizzy and starts going off on all of them, to the point that she gets up and leaves the room acting all offended. I literally have no idea what just went on there. First of all, it’s not like Libra has done well in any competitions, she has sucked. Secondly, she’s the one bitching at everyone about uneven teams and old people and all that all the time, so maybe she should relax a bit. April looks devastated after Libra leaves, and then calls her a bitch when it’s just her and Ollie in the room. Meanwhile, Libra has retired to her now customary position in bed under the covers in the sixties room, and she bitches to Keesha about how mean that whole thing was. Since Keesha will take any opportunity to take April down a peg, Keesha backs up Libra even though she kind of hates them both, saying that she thinks April never trusts any of them.
“Here, let me show you how to do the hustle.”
Outside, Jessie is laying down for his “fourth of fifth nap of the day”. He’s like a hummingbird! He ends up overhearing all the shit talking going on in the other room, even though overhearing one of those three talking badly about the other two is about as easy as catching herpes from the Big Brother toilet seat. He then goes upstairs to April and relays the whole thing to her, with extra “details” that didn’t really happen. I’m pretty sure at one point he tells April that Libra admitted that she was responsible for the Iraq war.
Because April is so eager to turn on Libra and Keesha, she swallows absolutely everything Jessie says without questioning a word. Ridiculous, especially considering that she just put him up. She tells Ollie that she’s going to go downstairs and confront the two of them about it. Turns out April’s version of “confronting” involves being a complete coward, being non-specific about who said what, sitting on the bed with crossed arms and being elusive, and just generally being completely spineless. What a badass she is! She’s obviously so intimidated by these two that she has no idea what to do. I have to tell you, after watching some of the Showtime show, that I agree with Keesha: April is completely, utterly fake the entire time. She is this very specific type of annoying, like that girl in high school who wasn’t actually cool, she just repeated stuff she had heard other, cooler kids say in the past in hopes that this would get her accepted.
Anyway, Keesha and Libra are not having it from April. Libra is like “Fine, who do we need to talk to? Let’s go fix this shit right now.” Because April is looking for a reason to screw them both over, she doesn’t tell them it was Jessie. Keesha sits behind April trying not to get mad, eventually storming out of the 60s room in a huff and calling April a bitch about three hundred times in front of Michelle and Renny in the kitchen. Keesha then returns to the 60s room where Libra and April are still fighting, and after April asks her not to cuss at her, she utters my favorite quote of the entire fight: “Listen, April, I’m not cussing, but I fucking said it time and time again!” Priceless.
At this point, April gives up the ghost that Jessie was the one who started all this, causing Keesha to immediately leave the room and go get Jessie, because Keesha is awesome. Meanwhile, Memphis is in the living room looking into the ceiling camera and laughing. “See America, this is why there’s all 30 year old women in this house, because they’re all crazy!” Are all 30 year old women crazy? Wait, forget I said that. So Jerry comes in and tattles on Memphis because he is an old jort wearing bore, and Renny then gets angry at him for interrupting her and flips out at him, leaving. So while Renny and Jerry are screaming at each other and Keesha, April and Libra are screaming at each other, Memphis does the most awesome thing in this episode when he walks in and just says “There’s birthday cake in the kitchen, everyone” like absolutely nothing is out of the ordinary. Man, that single comment almost made up for all that facial hair.
Wait, so by cake, he means this?
And then, all of a sudden, it’s time for Keesha’s birthday. Best. Birthday. EVER. Keesha keeps waiting for everyone to show up and sing to her, but half the house is too busy arguing about the Gross National Product of Guam or whatever the hell they’ve gotten to talking about by this point. Libra, April and Jessie, who are still in the other room bickering at each other. For those of you keeping track, this fight has now spanned two commercial breaks. Jessie stands there pretending like he didn’t do anything wrong like he always does, which just pisses Libra off more, until they’re just screaming at each other about I have no idea what. I think this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever recapped. How the hell do you even try to make sense out of this? And yet, I love it.
So Libra finally comes out and the whole house sings “Happy Birthday” to Keesha, and the whole thing is awkward and awesome, like the house has suddenly become a Wes Anderson movie starring the cast of Arrested Development. After the singing is over, Libra is awesomely like “Anyone want cake?” in the most aggressive way possible, like she’s the villain from Saw and the cake has razorblades inside it that you can only eat around if you decode a secret message written on the walls.
“My birthday was better last year, and I spent that one in Ohio.”
And then, just when it appears that everyone has achieved dÃ©tente through the magic of cake, the fight starts again. Libra apologizes for yelling, and then Jessie makes a dick move by apologizing for “being honest about what happened” which he was not, but: it’s Jessie, so whatever. Keesha ends up giving him the middle finger and yelling “fuck you” at him over and over again. I know I’ve already used the pic, but it is too good:
Anyway, Keesha and Libra back their way into their cave in the 60′s room, yelling at Jessie the entire time while he pretends to be innocent. The whole thing culminates with Libra telling Memphis that “Every day is a new day, buddy!” implying that they’ll try to get rid of Jessie, which I hope to God they do.
Man, this season is awesome. Can someone please tell me what the hell just happened?
Back from the commercial, it’s time for the veto competition. It’s a hockey setup, and the players are aiming for the center of a net. The person farthest from the center will be knocked out in each round, and they’re also doing the fun Yankee Swap thing they do every year now, except in this case you don’t pick a random box, the producers have actually pre-ordered the stuff by giving you the pretense of a trophy for each place in the game.
Anyway, Memphis gets knocked out first, and the 6th place prize is the veto. Excellent work, Grodner. Cackle to yourself high atop your perch. Michelle gets knocked out in the next round, and the 5th place prize is a Hawaiian vacation, which Michelle is very excited about. She elects to keep the vacation, so Memphis still has the veto. Jessie gets knocked out next (after a now requisite DR about how the competition is lame because he didn’t win an his “back is too big”), and his prize is a “slop surprise” about which Renny’s instructions are very mysterious. Jessie elects to swap the slop card with Memphis, so now Jessie has the veto after three rounds.
Half referee, half librarian, all hot
April gets third place, and her price is 10 grand, but it’s doled out in these little gold bars that April can use at any point throughout the game to bribe people or get what she wants or whatever. She elects to keep the gold bars instead of swapping them for the veto. She tells us that it’s because she feels like she’s already done her part for her alliance instead of telling us the real reason, which is that it benefits her to be able to bribe people. The final round is Libra against Jerry, and Libra wins by nailing the center. Jerry’s 2nd place prize is a letter from home. Jerry does a very smart thing, looking at April and offering to split her 10 grand three ways (with Libra being the 3rd person) if he takes the veto. April quickly agrees, and Jerry swaps his letter from home for Jessie’s veto. Libra’s 1st place prize is the infamous red unitard, meaning that she obviously is going to have to screw someone, because why would your prize be to wear something that Sheila has worn? Even more crazy might rub off on you, and for some of these people that could be near disastrous.
Libra, already the proud owner of 3 grand from April, elects to trade her unitard for Michelle’s Hawaiian vacation. Michelle gets all pissed about it, completing her transformation into Amber by crying for the second time in two episodes. Memphis’ slop surprise is that he gets a one week slop pass, redeemable at any point, but he also has to put someone else on slop right then. Without even hesitating, Memphis is like “Jerry, duh”. I love that these two hate each other so unabashedly. It’s really interesting socially, how Memphis and Jerry deal with their dislike for each other so directly, but Keesha, Libra and April are more secretive about it. I’m not making any generalizations about gender roles or anything, but it’s interesting, is all.
Soon, she’ll be ready to try out for ANTM
After the veto, Michelle throws a giant tantrum about having to wear the unitard. She tells Jessie that she’s going to leave the house over and over again, telling us in confessional that Libra is a terrible mother because she chose the Hawaiian vacation over a letter from her kids. Yeah, I’m sure five month old twins and a four year old would really have a lot of illuminating things to say. You know, if they could write legibly.
I don’t understand why Michelle is so angry. If she wanted a better prize, she could have, I don’t know, done better than fifth in the competition. Michelle then tells Jessie that she’s “not here to be made a fool out of”. Well, you could start by avoiding ending your sentences with a preposition. Scratch that, you could avoid that by not throwing a tantrum on national television. Also: you’re on Big Brother. What, did you think that you’d be discussing Tolstoy all day? After she changes into the unitard in the shower, she fixes her hair and throws a pity party for herself, talking about how she “always gets screwed” and how this is the story of her life or whatever, cementing my hate for her. Jessie tries to comfort her in the dark as inspiring music plays, but since I don’t really care for either of them, I start making a grocery list instead.
After the commercial, people are already locked down in the backyard while Jerry prepares for the veto meeting. Well, I guess there wasn’t much intrigue regarding whether the veto would be used. At the ceremony, Jessie tells Jerry nothing of interest. Memphis tells Jerry not to take him off because they don’t like each other. Jerry then immediately decides not to use the veto. We were not kept in suspense there, even a little. Usually this show at least makes a cursory effort at keeping us wondering.
“Beg, beg, beg my jorts for sanctuary!”
Either way, I really hope Jessie goes home on Thursday.