Big Brother: Wigstock ’08

Previously on Big Brother, Renny dazzled America with her wigs, dangly earrings, and muumuus. I’m pullin’ for ya girl!

Baby Jane grew up to be healthy and happy, contrary to nasty rumors.

Tonight, we’re gonna catch us a gator, arrrrrg.

It’s another live show and Mrs. Bot is looking particularly stunning this evening in a khaki pantsuit on loan from Jeff Probst’s personal collection. Julie has the displeasure of reminding me, and America, that my favorite person in the entire world this week is on the block against Keesha. Renny handles the nomination with her innate charm and dignity by saying that Memphis can kiss her ass for trying to pit her against her best friend. Renny says that she is not going to campaign against Keesha. Keesha feels the same way, that’s only until she finds out that Renny has an underage pregnant daughter and was part of a faction who tried to get N’awlins to secede from the union. I have a feeling it’s gonna get dirty.

There will be no more Hooters in America. Shhhhh. It’s my strategy.

Memphis is still steadfast in his dedication to the renegade alliance, completely trusting that Dan will stick to his word and follow the plan. Memphis obviously does not understand the definition of the word renegade. Memphis’s surprise use of the Veto on Dan shocked Jerry who thought that Memphis would stay true to his promise and not go against his vow. Jerry obviously does not understand the word “mixologist.” Dan is just thrilled that another sucker fell for his shtick. So far that’s Memphis, Jerry, Keesha, God, Dan’s girlfriend, and the kids Dan coaches since Dan has been placing bets against his team since day one with his bookie.

Memphis feels a little twinge of regret in his gin-soaked fauxheart for having effectively screwed over both Jerry and Renny simultaneously. They’re probably the closest thing he’s ever had to a mother and father since being left on the doorstep of a Waffle House when he was 2 days old. Memphis senses a trip to the woodshed with Jerry soon, but feels safe with his compadre Dan faithfully riding bitch on his Harley of deceit.

Later Memphis is brushing his teeth when Jerry ambles into the bathroom with his hands uncomfortably deep in his mail-order short pockets. After Memphis leaves, Jerry asks Keesha to come and chat with him in head of convalescence room. Once Jerry and Keesha are alone he expresses his frustration that Memphis would once again save Judas and tells Keesha that it would be behoovey of them to break up the Dan/Memphis All Lies Ass. Jerry tells Keesha that he knows for a fact that Memphis has a deal with every person in the house and therefore must be excommunicated and stoned.

Finally! Some time alone! Did I tell you about the time Job saw a cloud shaped like a unicorn?

When Keesha leaves, after an uncomfortable hug from Jerry, the kind that that one uncle always insists on which always lasts a few seconds too long and is followed by creepy sigh, Keesha goes to Renny to discuss this newfound information. Renny immediately believes that Dan and Memphis are in cahoots to go to the end together. Unfortunately there’s not much they can do with this information since one of them, Keesha or Renny, most likely the most beautiful one, will be going home in a matter of moments.

In the kitchen Dan is trying to fix some food so he can bulk up to featherweight league coach while Jerry starts in with the mind tricks. Jerry reminds Dan that Memphis only wants to take Dan to the final two because he thinks that he can beat Dan with jury votes. This is possibly true since Dan has effectively screwed over every person in one way or another through this game. Of course there’s always the Dr. Will Factor where the jury will appreciate his game play and see Memphis as a hanger on. While some may like Dan’s foreign policy, promising to withdraw CBS contestants from Gabon immediately others may find his inexperience a hindrance to offering him the title. It’s all so confusing. Thank God the CBS overloards, George W. Moonves and Julie Cheney, just fix the vote for us so we don’t really have to think too hard about it.

How’d this get in here?

Jerry continues to talk and talk reminding Dan that he, Jerry, is Dan’s best shot at winning a half million dollars. Jerry says that Memphis is a sneaky snake and Dan can’t stand toe to toe against either of the women, mostly due to his poor lower body strength. Jerry, confident that he has finally talked some sense into Dan, wanders off to watch the bug zapper in the back yard.

Later Dan and Keesha are gossiping in the storage room, hunt a little, peck a little, about Jerry’s conversations with both of them. Dan is in the middle of his Jerry impression, which sounds an awful lot like his Darth Vader impression, when they hear noise coming from outside the door. Both freeze and then scramble to look casual before Memphis finally busts through the door. Keesha catches Memphis up on the Jerry-hate and tells him that Jerry told her that he, Memphis, has deals with every person in the house. Memphis freezes momentarily but thinks quickly on his feet, a skill he learned from grifting at Nascar rallies when he’d skip school, and says, “Well you both know that’s not true,” before adjusting his mesh hat and running out of the door. When Memphis and Dan reconvene in the bedroom Dan whispers a sweet nothing in Memphis’s ear saying “we have to be careful around her,” just before the “Taken” shirts and cargo shorts go flyin’.

You might need some paper towels for this one, Jer.

In the kitchen Renny and Keesha share a glass of white wine, more precisely Keesha has a glass while Renny sticks a nipple on the bottle and nurses it while smiling. Renny and Keesha share a moment, fueled by the alcohol, and commiserate about how different they will be when they leave the house. A little more wine later that start sharing their feelings about each other and Renny tells Keesha that she wants to see Keesha be a “mothuh” and Keesha says that she has never met anyone like Renny and will be friends with her for years to come. The two embrace and cry and thank the other for her support during this game. And while it’s not shown I’m pretty sure they later lip sync “Aint No Mountain High Enough” into their hairbrushes.

Back at Julie, the Chenbot poses the question if there is more to Memphis than meets the eye. The answer is no. Memphis’s time in the house has made him reevaluate his relationship with his girlfriend. No more will he take her for granted. No more will he grab her hair and wax his Camaro with it. We also find out that Memphis’s daddy issues are what prompted him to mildly overreact to Jerry calling him a womanizer as Memphis dad was married 5 times and Memphis doesn’t want to be like that. Who wouldn’t want to be a stud? Memphis’s best friend, who shares Memphis’s penchant for novelty hats and V-neck T-shirts, says that Memphis is 100% dedicated to his girlfriend and has never once cheated on her during their relationship, but what else is he going to say? He’s bound by the bro-code to stick to that story.

Bonded in cheesy hats.

Back in the living room Mrs. Bot interviews the houseguests. First up she reminds Jerry of his fateful tumble into the swimming pool and we are treated to a playback of the event. While hilarious, Jerry’s hips are fully intact and he is able to laugh about it now. Of course he was also seen laughing at the towels in the bathroom on more than one occasion. Mrs. Bot moves on to Dan and asks him about his constant antagonization of Renny. Dan states the obvious, that he does it because it’s hilarious, and Renny mildly agrees. She realizes her place in the house, that of comic relief, and appreciates Dan’s sense of humor. She also points out that occasionally Dan ends up in bed with her. Of course Renny means this in the most chaste way possible but Mrs. Chen runs her bawdy humor program, which was written in 1994, and replies “too much information.” Thankfully she doesn’t abbreviate it.

After the break we get a chance to chat with Jerry one on one. Mrs. Bot asks Jerry what prompted him to make a deal with Memphis after stating numerous times that he didn’t trust him, nor did he find his slack-jawed yokel accent charming. Jerry replies, “well I’ll tell ya, talking TV, I was running out of bodies.” Mrs. Bot asks who Jerry would like to be sitting next to in the final two. When he is informed that his first choice of Lola Fillana is dead, he opts for Keesha. Jerry feels that he would have a good chance sitting next to Keesha and has a plan to win HOH and then POV after tonight so he can reach his goal. Of course neither of these things are going to happen for many, many reasons.

Next up we finally get a glimpse into the Jury House. Keesha enjoyed her week of solitude, finally having time to catch up on her booty knitting and sassy head rolling classes, until April walks in. These two living together for an entire week would have made a great one-week sitcom, which is about how long it would last regardless.

The two wait with baited breath, (really, April ate some live bait to sustain her evil), to see who would join them next. Michelle flies through the door on her broomstick with a raucous “guess who got back doored?!” Of course Steven left weeks ago so they can only assume it’s her. When Michelle pops in the DVD to show how she was able to shimmer into the Jury House, the first thing she says is, “wow I do look pretty on TV.”

…………………

Yea, take a moment.

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I know, right?

Anyway, the group watches the swinging vine HOH competition and never misses an opportunity to comment on how fat Keesha looks. It’s good to see that high school never really ends, it just gets older and skankier. April reminds us that she has no respect for Keesha considering how well April maintained her dignity through the game while Keesha will have to live with her actions the rest of her life. Someone should tell April that she will also have to live with the baby that Ollie knocked her up with on national television for the rest of her life too.

April starts to tear up while watching her OlLEE-kins suffering while swinging on that rope. She states that it’s a little difficult when you’re in a relationship and the other person is still in the house. You know how that goes. When you’re dating someone and you get kicked off the reality show but they’re still on the reality show. You don’t have to tell me. I lived it, honey. It was painful for me when I couldn’t be with Puck anymore after he got kicked out of the San Francisco Real World house but we made it through. Puck, you’re my rock, honey. I love you. I’ll be home at 8.

After seeing Dan backstab Ollie and backdoor Michelle, all of the ladies are visibly angry with Dan. April can’t stand his dishonesty, akin to plucking out all your eyebrows and then drawing them in to fool people into thinking they’re real. Keesha can’t believe his selfishness, something like taking a trip over a letter from your children. Michelle is flummoxed by his duplicity, like someone who would consistently change sides by screaming at an old man one week and then being his best friend the next.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair:

Hover through the fog and filthy air. Bwahahahahahhaaa!!!

When the next houseguest is about the arrive all of the ladies hope that they see Dan walk through the door so they can evoke the power of three on his ass, but are shocked when they get the complete and total opposite, Ollie. April is thrilled to see Ollie, although disappointed that she’s stuck dating another poor guy. Ollie didn’t forget the question he posed in his recorded goodbye to April, and immediately asks her for an answer to whether she will be his first girlfriend. April agrees since them cameras are on her. Ollie then makes side deals with Libra and Michelle making them numbers 2 and 14, respectively. Michelle and Libra are happy for April and Ollie but are also visibly upset that there won’t be a dry spot to sit in the house for quite some time.

Back at the real house, it’s time for the eviction. Renny gets to plead her case first and tells her housemates that she is a fighter and doesn’t go down without a fight. If I were Dan and Memphis I would take this as, “she’s going to knee me in the groin and bite my nose off before she walks out.” She also takes a moment to remind the two boys that they should keep the person that would best suit them in the final two. Poorly chosen words if Renny wants to stay because no one stands a chance against her if she were to make it to the final two. I have a sneaking suspicion this was a way to throw the vote to her girl Keesha, who speaks next. Keesha takes the first part of her speech to tell Renny how much she loves her and tells the others to do whatever the hell they want.

After the two tools cast their vote, it is official, Renny has been evicted from the house. When Renny receives the news she handles it with class and a smile. Renny, being the complete opposite of Ollie in every way possible, hugs every person, Keesha twice, before walking out with a beauty queen smile. When Renny walks into the back yard she is met with more uproarious applause than any houseguest to date. Renny makes her rounds and shakes hands with the commoners like Elvis during his ’76 comeback tour. I’m sure a lot of those audience members won’t wash their hands for years and the scarf Renny dropped will show up in a museum somewhere.

What the hell is offshore drilling? Someone get me a drink, por favor!

When Julie chats with Renny, Renny is asked why she thinks she is sitting there instead of Keesha. Renny may have misunderstood the question, stating, “because I didn’t win the POV.” That’s my girl. The taped messages for Renny are all positive with every houseguest thanking her for her caring nature and bright smile, and Keesha crying like a baby. After the messages Renny says how proud she is to be sitting on the couch next to Julie and hopes that she made her family proud. She hopes America got to see what a caring person she is and is so happy that she decided to go on this ride. Mrs. Bot expresses my exact sentiment when she states, “So are we.” Goodbye Dawlin’! We love you!

Back in the living room Mrs. Bot shows the remaining houseguests short clips from previous competitions and advises the group to pay close attention. After they have seen the clips they are all asked to go to the back yard for the next HOH competition. This competition is one of those where all of the eligible houseguests are standing on a circle with walls dividing them from the others, Dating Game style. Julie is going to ask True or False questions based on the clips they saw and the first person with the most correct answers in a certain period of yada yada yada. Come up with something new, Big Brother. Have them stand in a square or a tetrahedron.

When the questions are asked Dan takes a fast lead but is closely followed by Memphis. Poor Keesha, a pretty girl no doubt, just can’t seem to do anything, way behind with one point for the majority of the game. Dan’s photographic memory pays off once again and he easily pushes ahead again to take the title of HOH effectively sealing Jerry’s fate. Before going to commercial Julie informs us that there is something surprising waiting in the living room before showing a picture of what I think is Amber from season 8.

Is it me or do Jews smell funny?

When we return from the break, the houseguests are allowed back in the house to find a surly sumo wrestler sitting on the coffee table. At first they don’t know what to do, until the man speaks to them in Japanese, and then they are really lost. We’re left with the cliffhanger of all four remaining houseguests trying to figure out what the hell to do. They’re not sure if they are supposed to fight him or move him, but we will no doubt find out next week.

Well what did you think? Are you going to miss Renny as much as I am? Who do you think will be in the final two? Does Jerry stand a chance? Was Renny always wearing a wig? Discuss.