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Well, let’s get it over with.
Julie Chen apparently forgot to put on a top before going in front of the camera, because I’m pretty sure she’s just wearing a slip and a skirt. Also, it is Mardi Gras around her neck.
Julie’s all, “Who would have thought that Dick and Daniele, the father-daughter team, would make it to the home stretch?” I know, they’re such underdogs! Watch me root for their can-do attitude!
Julie segues us into the Bunny Hop challenge, which retro-Julie explains to the houseguests in black and white. Doesn’t black-and-white Julie and modern day Julie coming this close to each other create some sort of hole in the space-time continuum? Maybe the goal is to suck us all into some other dimension where we haven’t noticed that they’ve overlooked about eight-thousand rule violations to allow Dick and Daniele to make it to the end.
The bunny begins circling the houseguests, much like the vultures now circle Dick. He’s not dead, he just looks that way, buzzards. Back of my daaaaaaaaaad! Soon, there is water, and Daniele gets cold. Then some mud and crap shoots out at them, like they are being tarred and feathered. Sort of like Amber will be once the media ban is lifted. Man, I can’t wait for that! Can I recap the aftermath?
After two hours, you will be shocked to hear that Daniele is whining about being cold. Unfortunately, since she cannot use her father to intimidate the water, she’ll have to actually do something herself for once, which is to say: she’s just going to stand there and whine.
Pretty soon, Daniele starts physically shivering, and she actually looks really, really cold. But that doesn’t mean I feel sorry for her or anything. Because I don’t. That’s what she gets for being made of paper mache and crazy straws.
Dad, insult my roots so they get scared and go away!
At two hours and twenty minutes, the water has stopped and Daniele starts bugging her dad to distract Zach and psyche him out. So, in case you were wondering whether she’s encouraged and benefited from his raging douchiness throughout this show, there’s your answer.
Dick starts heckling Zach about something or other, and then there’s something about how Zach would like to own a midget, which would actually be awesome. Dick is screaming and screaming at Zach, but what he’s really saying is, “Love me, please!” to his daughter. She giggles, and what she’s really saying is, “When the two of us are the final two, I’m going to take it all if I win, and if you win, I’m going to whine at you until you give me half. So that’s how this is going to end.”
Dick keeps this random stream-of-consciousness insult thing going and it’s not effective at all, mostly because he’s not that smart and can’t think of any good insults. I’d rather be at a Nickelback concert than watching this show right now. That’s how badly I hate all these people.
Soon it’s raining again, and Dick (like any retarded bully who is afraid of someone smarter than him) just starts calling Zach a pussy over and over again. So clever. No wonder America loves him. Dick shuts up for a moment when he notices Daniele shivering profusely, and gets a look of fatherly concern on his face. The bunny slows down to the point where Zach just sort of has to step over it, and then when it gets to Daniele, she just sort of lets it back her up off the stoop until she falls off. Somebody get that bunny a beer!
Um, bunny for president?
So Daniele wraps herself in about eighty-thousand towels, and then goes inside to the shower and sobs at full volume while she warms up. It’s just like The Crying Game, except when I watched that movie, I actually felt sorry for the guy.
Back outside, Dick tries to be a huge badass and scream at the top of his lungs about what a fucking Rambo he is, and how Alison Grodner can leave the water on all day, because HE’S NOT MOVING! Are you not intimidated by my manliness, Zach? Cry yourself right off that comically large carrot!
Except, no. Because Zach does the exact right thing, which is to mock Dick mercilessly, like I’ve been waiting for someone to do since Jen left. Zach’s like, “I’m a badass because I have a bunch of tattoos!” and it’s sort of awesome, and he actually gets to Dick, who you can tell is actually kind of hurt by it.
Mommy, he’s looking out my window!
Dick tells him how he’s not moving, he’ll be on the pedestal all night! Because he’s a badass! Remember that one later. At four and a half hours, Daniele comes out dressed like a fucking Eskimo while Dick shivers under the water. Daniele starts encouraging her father for the first time this season, which is so sincere of her considering that her money is on the line since she’s already out of the competition. Then she says, “I love you” to him, which is just about the meanest, most utilitarian thing I’ve ever seen on reality TV, no kidding. As much as I hate Dick, that is wrong. Remember when Boogie manipulated Erika’s feelings and insecurities all last season? This is so much worse. She is so fucking gross.
As Daniele finally tells Dick that it’s okay to get down, the stupid fallen soldier music starts up and Dick gives up. Zach is a better man than me, because this, right here, would have been the part where I started shouting, “PUSSY!” at Dick, over and over again, at the top of my lungs.
Then Dick starts acting all disturbed by his loss, to the point where Zach, who has just prevailed, has to come over and comfort him. Again, I would have been calling him a pussy. But that’s just me.
The music just keeps going while Dick cries, and if you were wondering whether either of them have any grace at all, watch Zach go inside with no towels while Daniele holds about eighty of them in her hands. The music is so right, you guys. This is just like Saving Private Ryan, except with animatronic bunnies, and no one’s guts fall out! Except mine, from being grossed out.
So, I’m going to pause here for a moment to use this show for something worthwhile. If you haven’t watched Friday Night Lights yet, so get the DVD and watch it, right now. Because if that gets cancelled after this season, I’m blaming each and every person who watches this show. So there, now I don’t feel so bad.
Back from the break, it’s time for round two of the competition. In the back yard, there are two really huge tanks of water with a bridge between them. You have to take puzzle pieces from one tank and put them into the other one in the order that houseguests were HoH. Daniele and her badass goggles will be going first.
Gee, I hope I don’t get swimmer’s ear!
She tells us she’s not good at puzzles, but it looks like she gets done pretty quickly. Then Dick goes, and when he finishes the puzzle, he slams the button so hard that he breaks it. Metaphor for the blunt, crass nature of his game or not? You decide.
So, the winner of the second part is Dick. You will be shocked to know that Daniele whines afterwards about losing, and also that she wants to go home. Dick tells her that they’re going to get their “fairy tale ending”, which just goes to show you that one person’s heartwarming tale of triumph is another man’s soul-crushing loss of faith in humanity.
Julie interviews the houseguests, much of which consists of the Chenbot fulfilling her program directive of making us think that Daniele is compassionate (wrong), Dick is brave (wrong), and Zach has superpowers (wrong). Seriously, is she watching the same show that I am?
Time to go to the jury house! Eric and Jessica lounge by the pool and flirt self-consciously, because this scene is totally not set up, even a little. Then Dustin and Amber talk about how in love Eric and Jessica are as if they’re reading from a cue card, but the best part is that Dustin is reading from a big people book and Amber’s is really tiny.
Look at the words I unscrambled-ed!
Later that night, Jameka is all denim-ed out as she enters the house. Dustin tells us how pissed he is that a Donato is not walking in, and also that he thinks Eric and Jessica are totally doing it, even though they aren’t. Jameka shows everyone her DVD, and they give Zach propers for nominating Dick and Daniele, and this is where you can tell that Zach would have totally stomped either of those fools in a jury vote. Also, this is where I started thinking about how Zach winning would actually be really awesome, because it would accomplish the dual goals of both thwarting the Donatos and showing Amber and Jameka (but mostly Amber) that the whole thing isn’t predetermined and one of their so-called “good people” isn’t always favored. But, alas. Also, Jen gets one more awesome moment in by actually looking at the clock the second the DVD is over like, “So, are we done here?”
I’m going to go eat now. Are you going to take away my jury vote?
Back from break, it’s time for the last HoH competition. Julie will be reading the beginning of statements made by each member of the jury, and they’ll have two choices for each one. The person who gets the most questions right will win. The first question is a quote about Amber. What moment in the house annoyed Amber the most? It was when Jen cried about her picture. Maybe she thinks “annoyed” means “awesome”? I wouldn’t put it past her. Also, it’s not like you can be annoyed by yourself, so that eliminates a large quantity of possible answers. Really, all of them.
Dick gets it right and Zach doesn’t, so Dick is up 1-0. For literally EVERY question after that, they both guess the same thing, so this means that Dick is the fucking last HoH. The Donatos celebrate with their typical grace and candor, which is to say that they scream all over the place and do just about everything but pull down their pants and take an actual, literal shit on the floor.
Good news is, they probably won’t be talking to each other in six months.
Seriously, is he not the sorest winner ever? It just goes on forever. After the final commercial, we go through the motions and Dick gets to choose who to evict. Julie gives Zach time to plead his case, which he uses to congratulate them on a game well played (NO, but more on that later), and then Daniele super-gloats for thirty seconds. Dick evicts Zach in the crudest way possible, which is to toss him and then scream about how awesome he is. Zach’s like, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to get as far away from you as possible now” and then he’s out the door without a hug or handshake or anything, because: Donatos.
Julie asks Zach about what his biggest “game moves” were. Zach tells Julie that laying low was sort of his strategy after the Mrs. Robinson Alliance fell through (remember that?) and so he just sort of lay in wait until his opportunity arose, and it actually sort of worked, which is cool. The Julie is like, “How did you stand up to the totally awesome, unstoppable Donatos, because OMG, he makes my circuits smoke!” and Zach tells her that it was mostly just Daniele, actually, so Julie should stop with the gushing. And good for him, because it was. Propers to her for winning all those competitions. And that’s all she gets credit for. Julie asks the obvious question, which is “Why the hell did you wait so long to go after Dick and Daniele? You dumbass.” Zach tells Julie that he put them up so late because he was trying for jury votes by attempting to establish himself on the “good people” side of the line. That has merit, although he could have done it while people were still in the house so that he could have made an alliance where he wasn’t finishing third. During the goodbye videos, Daniele tells Zach how much he hurt her feelings by turning on her, which…wow. My head hurts.
Hahaha! He’s got my nose!
The final America’s Choice vote is for Eric’s jury vote. So, I’m predicting at least that vote goes to Dick, if he doesn’t win outright. Also, it’s going to be awesome to see this twist finally revealed. Again, I bet Daniele doesn’t talk to him for the rest of her life because of the Nick boot.
Sunday is a “best of” show, narrated by Dick and Daniele, so we’ll be back on Tuesday for the finale.
So…isn’t everyone happy? Because I think we’re supposed to be. And I’m not, and here’s why: these two have had an easier time getting here than any other final two in history. For those of you that think Daniele and Dick somehow deserve this for playing the best game, I submit to you that they did not. To get them to this point, it has taken several occasions where rules that would get any other houseguest kicked out have been completely overlooked (Dick gets secret coded messages from his son in his HoH letter, Dick physically harms other houseguests) and the fact that each knew that the other would be in the house before the show even started (which has gotten people removed in the past, when a houseguest from the Ex-Factor season found out his ex was going to be on and called her, causing them both to be removed at the last minute and replaced with Jun and Jee). You can actually, literally burn someone and get away with it, but if you eat any cottage cheese? Fuck you. Also, you can say that they had the most difficult game ever because they were targets due to their relationship, but that gives them as much in favor as against, because while people will be trying to evict them, they also have an advantage that no one else does, in that they can create an alliance in which they can trust the other person completely, as opposed to creating alliances with strangers. Couple those two things with the fact that America influenced the game in their favor more times than I can count on one hand this season, and you have one of the most ridiculous, fucked-up final twos that this show has ever seen.
So, yay! See you Tuesday!