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Saturday, September 15, 2007
12:57 am
28 Comments
Well, let’s get it over with.
Julie Chen apparently forgot to put on a top before going in front of the camera, because I’m pretty sure she’s just wearing a slip and a skirt. Also, it is Mardi Gras around her neck.
Julie’s all, “Who would have thought that Dick and Daniele, the father-daughter team, would make it to the home stretch?” I know, they’re such underdogs! Watch me root for their can-do attitude!
Julie segues us into the Bunny Hop challenge, which retro-Julie explains to the houseguests in black and white. Doesn’t black-and-white Julie and modern day Julie coming this close to each other create some sort of hole in the space-time continuum? Maybe the goal is to suck us all into some other dimension where we haven’t noticed that they’ve overlooked about eight-thousand rule violations to allow Dick and Daniele to make it to the end.
The bunny begins circling the houseguests, much like the vultures now circle Dick. He’s not dead, he just looks that way, buzzards. Back of my daaaaaaaaaad! Soon, there is water, and Daniele gets cold. Then some mud and crap shoots out at them, like they are being tarred and feathered. Sort of like Amber will be once the media ban is lifted. Man, I can’t wait for that! Can I recap the aftermath?
After two hours, you will be shocked to hear that Daniele is whining about being cold. Unfortunately, since she cannot use her father to intimidate the water, she’ll have to actually do something herself for once, which is to say: she’s just going to stand there and whine.
Pretty soon, Daniele starts physically shivering, and she actually looks really, really cold. But that doesn’t mean I feel sorry for her or anything. Because I don’t. That’s what she gets for being made of paper mache and crazy straws.
Dad, insult my roots so they get scared and go away!
At two hours and twenty minutes, the water has stopped and Daniele starts bugging her dad to distract Zach and psyche him out. So, in case you were wondering whether she’s encouraged and benefited from his raging douchiness throughout this show, there’s your answer.
Dick starts heckling Zach about something or other, and then there’s something about how Zach would like to own a midget, which would actually be awesome. Dick is screaming and screaming at Zach, but what he’s really saying is, “Love me, please!” to his daughter. She giggles, and what she’s really saying is, “When the two of us are the final two, I’m going to take it all if I win, and if you win, I’m going to whine at you until you give me half. So that’s how this is going to end.”
Dick keeps this random stream-of-consciousness insult thing going and it’s not effective at all, mostly because he’s not that smart and can’t think of any good insults. I’d rather be at a Nickelback concert than watching this show right now. That’s how badly I hate all these people.
Soon it’s raining again, and Dick (like any retarded bully who is afraid of someone smarter than him) just starts calling Zach a pussy over and over again. So clever. No wonder America loves him. Dick shuts up for a moment when he notices Daniele shivering profusely, and gets a look of fatherly concern on his face. The bunny slows down to the point where Zach just sort of has to step over it, and then when it gets to Daniele, she just sort of lets it back her up off the stoop until she falls off. Somebody get that bunny a beer!
Um, bunny for president?
So Daniele wraps herself in about eighty-thousand towels, and then goes inside to the shower and sobs at full volume while she warms up. It’s just like The Crying Game, except when I watched that movie, I actually felt sorry for the guy.
Back outside, Dick tries to be a huge badass and scream at the top of his lungs about what a fucking Rambo he is, and how Alison Grodner can leave the water on all day, because HE’S NOT MOVING! Are you not intimidated by my manliness, Zach? Cry yourself right off that comically large carrot!
Except, no. Because Zach does the exact right thing, which is to mock Dick mercilessly, like I’ve been waiting for someone to do since Jen left. Zach’s like, “I’m a badass because I have a bunch of tattoos!” and it’s sort of awesome, and he actually gets to Dick, who you can tell is actually kind of hurt by it.
Mommy, he’s looking out my window!
Dick tells him how he’s not moving, he’ll be on the pedestal all night! Because he’s a badass! Remember that one later. At four and a half hours, Daniele comes out dressed like a fucking Eskimo while Dick shivers under the water. Daniele starts encouraging her father for the first time this season, which is so sincere of her considering that her money is on the line since she’s already out of the competition. Then she says, “I love you” to him, which is just about the meanest, most utilitarian thing I’ve ever seen on reality TV, no kidding. As much as I hate Dick, that is wrong. Remember when Boogie manipulated Erika’s feelings and insecurities all last season? This is so much worse. She is so fucking gross.
As Daniele finally tells Dick that it’s okay to get down, the stupid fallen soldier music starts up and Dick gives up. Zach is a better man than me, because this, right here, would have been the part where I started shouting, “PUSSY!” at Dick, over and over again, at the top of my lungs.
Then Dick starts acting all disturbed by his loss, to the point where Zach, who has just prevailed, has to come over and comfort him. Again, I would have been calling him a pussy. But that’s just me.
The music just keeps going while Dick cries, and if you were wondering whether either of them have any grace at all, watch Zach go inside with no towels while Daniele holds about eighty of them in her hands. The music is so right, you guys. This is just like Saving Private Ryan, except with animatronic bunnies, and no one’s guts fall out! Except mine, from being grossed out.
So, I’m going to pause here for a moment to use this show for something worthwhile. If you haven’t watched Friday Night Lights yet, so get the DVD and watch it, right now. Because if that gets cancelled after this season, I’m blaming each and every person who watches this show. So there, now I don’t feel so bad.
Back from the break, it’s time for round two of the competition. In the back yard, there are two really huge tanks of water with a bridge between them. You have to take puzzle pieces from one tank and put them into the other one in the order that houseguests were HoH. Daniele and her badass goggles will be going first.
Gee, I hope I don’t get swimmer’s ear!
She tells us she’s not good at puzzles, but it looks like she gets done pretty quickly. Then Dick goes, and when he finishes the puzzle, he slams the button so hard that he breaks it. Metaphor for the blunt, crass nature of his game or not? You decide.
So, the winner of the second part is Dick. You will be shocked to know that Daniele whines afterwards about losing, and also that she wants to go home. Dick tells her that they’re going to get their “fairy tale ending”, which just goes to show you that one person’s heartwarming tale of triumph is another man’s soul-crushing loss of faith in humanity.
Julie interviews the houseguests, much of which consists of the Chenbot fulfilling her program directive of making us think that Daniele is compassionate (wrong), Dick is brave (wrong), and Zach has superpowers (wrong). Seriously, is she watching the same show that I am?
Time to go to the jury house! Eric and Jessica lounge by the pool and flirt self-consciously, because this scene is totally not set up, even a little. Then Dustin and Amber talk about how in love Eric and Jessica are as if they’re reading from a cue card, but the best part is that Dustin is reading from a big people book and Amber’s is really tiny.
Look at the words I unscrambled-ed!
Later that night, Jameka is all denim-ed out as she enters the house. Dustin tells us how pissed he is that a Donato is not walking in, and also that he thinks Eric and Jessica are totally doing it, even though they aren’t. Jameka shows everyone her DVD, and they give Zach propers for nominating Dick and Daniele, and this is where you can tell that Zach would have totally stomped either of those fools in a jury vote. Also, this is where I started thinking about how Zach winning would actually be really awesome, because it would accomplish the dual goals of both thwarting the Donatos and showing Amber and Jameka (but mostly Amber) that the whole thing isn’t predetermined and one of their so-called “good people” isn’t always favored. But, alas. Also, Jen gets one more awesome moment in by actually looking at the clock the second the DVD is over like, “So, are we done here?”
I’m going to go eat now. Are you going to take away my jury vote?
Back from break, it’s time for the last HoH competition. Julie will be reading the beginning of statements made by each member of the jury, and they’ll have two choices for each one. The person who gets the most questions right will win. The first question is a quote about Amber. What moment in the house annoyed Amber the most? It was when Jen cried about her picture. Maybe she thinks “annoyed” means “awesome”? I wouldn’t put it past her. Also, it’s not like you can be annoyed by yourself, so that eliminates a large quantity of possible answers. Really, all of them.
Dick gets it right and Zach doesn’t, so Dick is up 1-0. For literally EVERY question after that, they both guess the same thing, so this means that Dick is the fucking last HoH. The Donatos celebrate with their typical grace and candor, which is to say that they scream all over the place and do just about everything but pull down their pants and take an actual, literal shit on the floor.
Good news is, they probably won’t be talking to each other in six months.
Seriously, is he not the sorest winner ever? It just goes on forever. After the final commercial, we go through the motions and Dick gets to choose who to evict. Julie gives Zach time to plead his case, which he uses to congratulate them on a game well played (NO, but more on that later), and then Daniele super-gloats for thirty seconds. Dick evicts Zach in the crudest way possible, which is to toss him and then scream about how awesome he is. Zach’s like, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to get as far away from you as possible now” and then he’s out the door without a hug or handshake or anything, because: Donatos.
Julie asks Zach about what his biggest “game moves” were. Zach tells Julie that laying low was sort of his strategy after the Mrs. Robinson Alliance fell through (remember that?) and so he just sort of lay in wait until his opportunity arose, and it actually sort of worked, which is cool. The Julie is like, “How did you stand up to the totally awesome, unstoppable Donatos, because OMG, he makes my circuits smoke!” and Zach tells her that it was mostly just Daniele, actually, so Julie should stop with the gushing. And good for him, because it was. Propers to her for winning all those competitions. And that’s all she gets credit for. Julie asks the obvious question, which is “Why the hell did you wait so long to go after Dick and Daniele? You dumbass.” Zach tells Julie that he put them up so late because he was trying for jury votes by attempting to establish himself on the “good people” side of the line. That has merit, although he could have done it while people were still in the house so that he could have made an alliance where he wasn’t finishing third. During the goodbye videos, Daniele tells Zach how much he hurt her feelings by turning on her, which…wow. My head hurts.
Hahaha! He’s got my nose!
The final America’s Choice vote is for Eric’s jury vote. So, I’m predicting at least that vote goes to Dick, if he doesn’t win outright. Also, it’s going to be awesome to see this twist finally revealed. Again, I bet Daniele doesn’t talk to him for the rest of her life because of the Nick boot.
Sunday is a “best of” show, narrated by Dick and Daniele, so we’ll be back on Tuesday for the finale.
So…isn’t everyone happy? Because I think we’re supposed to be. And I’m not, and here’s why: these two have had an easier time getting here than any other final two in history. For those of you that think Daniele and Dick somehow deserve this for playing the best game, I submit to you that they did not. To get them to this point, it has taken several occasions where rules that would get any other houseguest kicked out have been completely overlooked (Dick gets secret coded messages from his son in his HoH letter, Dick physically harms other houseguests) and the fact that each knew that the other would be in the house before the show even started (which has gotten people removed in the past, when a houseguest from the Ex-Factor season found out his ex was going to be on and called her, causing them both to be removed at the last minute and replaced with Jun and Jee). You can actually, literally burn someone and get away with it, but if you eat any cottage cheese? Fuck you. Also, you can say that they had the most difficult game ever because they were targets due to their relationship, but that gives them as much in favor as against, because while people will be trying to evict them, they also have an advantage that no one else does, in that they can create an alliance in which they can trust the other person completely, as opposed to creating alliances with strangers. Couple those two things with the fact that America influenced the game in their favor more times than I can count on one hand this season, and you have one of the most ridiculous, fucked-up final twos that this show has ever seen.
So, yay! See you Tuesday!
TV Social
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28 Comments
Wow, that had to be rough to recap. I didn’t think it could get any worse than last season. I was very very wrong. Others may think Dick is “brave”, but your readers know that you are the brave one. Because after that recap, D&D lovers are gonna come after you like disease on Dick, like scabs on Daniele, like slime on Dick’s goatee… I think you get the picture.
Thanks for making it funny to read about, now if you could just do something to help make watching it bearable!
It was terrible to watch this season (in fact, I skipped most of the episodes after Jen got burned) but you guys did a great job making me laugh about it anyway! Thank you. Sorry you had to watch this garbage.
[i]Dick is screaming and screaming at Zach, but what he’s really saying is, “Love me, please!” to his daughter. She giggles, and what she’s really saying is, “When the two of us are the final two, I’m going to take it all if I win, and if you win, I’m going to whine at you until you give me half. So that’s how this is going to end.” [/i]
Word. As much as I have been offended by Dick this season, at least his feelings for Daniele appear sincere, and he has been a complete tool for her this season. Her being 21 years old is no excuse. When it suits her, she turns on the fake sweetness to try to manipulate (even her “aw, I’m sorry I had to do this to you!” goodbye videos were completely two-faced all season), but when things don’t go her way, she whines and complains and acts entitled. Even the “I love you” to her Dad didn’t feel right to me, but I couldn’t say why — and you captured my feelings on that exactly. Thanks.
Dick should win because he is the least bad choice. But it wouldn’t surprise me to see him encourage the jury members to vote for Daniele. Ya think?
I’m glad you’re OK, Schoonie! (When the recap was a little delayed, I was afraid you might be out on a ledge somewhere. I’m glad Flipit was able to talk you down.)
I agree w/ everything you say, again. Before posting, I just did a quick check on how things are going at Chez Donato. Good news, she’s being a total $#*(!% to him. She also just said — and I kid you not — that she can’t stand the smell of puppies.
Of course. (Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m she’s objectively a pretty girl, and all — but isn’t there something very Cruella DeVille about her smile? Come on, picture it — esp. with the white & black hair she’s currently rocking..)
Anyway, I’m beginning to think that Allison Grodner (“we couldn’t have gotten a better F2 if it were scripted”) (*IF?*) is the real enemy here. The BB rule book specifically prohibits threats and intimidation; someone said that if Arnold were still there this year, this crap wouldn’t have happened. Fire Allison!
Word, Schoonie.
This season has gotten so bad that I’ve stopped watching. Now I’m even having trouble READING about the episodes.
Bring on Survivor.
Test.
Schoonie,
Two more rules that were broken: Daniele wasn’t 21 years old when she entered the house & Dick cheated by putting the blue ball in Jameka’s tube during the POV competition.
If I were one of the other competitors, I’d be talking to a lawyer on Sept 19th. (Especially Jen.) The Donatos & CBS will have some money they can use to settle any claims.
But hey, who cares about rules when you can make your biggest BB fans turn away in disgust?
Great recap, once again, Schoonie. I couldn’t agree with you more. I can’t decide whether the Donatos are poorer sports at winning or losing. When they win they shove it in everyone’s face and act superior and when the lose they pout and whine (Daniele) or become verbally and physically abusive to the other HGs (Dick). And her telling him she loved him like that was such cold, calculated manipulation I actually felt a genuine pang of sympathy for Dick (but just for a second).
And for anyone who says it wasn’t fair how the bunny broke down right when it got to Daniele, I say whatever. It was slowing down, so I understand how she wasn’t sure if it was going to stop or not, but she still could have stepped over the stupid thing. She was cold and tired and didn’t want to be up there anymore.
Did someone actually see Dick put a blue ball in Jameka’s tube during the POV competition or is that speculation? Because if that’s true that is clear cut cheating and I don’t know how CBS would justify not punishing him in some way.
Schoonie,
Best. Recap. Ever. You do a great job capturing the disgust that we should all be feeling about this. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to have to slog through that – your recaps through the season have reflected it: in the beginning it was all fun and games; by the end, with ALL the bullshit that’s gone on this year (and you do a good job of highlighting it), it was just an absolute drag to get to the end.
Never in the history of network TV has there been a couple more consistently deserving of derision (though Amber, the Nazi, may have them both beat) than Dick and Dicklet. It’s like they’ve taken all the bad qualities of North Americans and distilled them into these two people: him with his ego, his over-inflated sense of self-worth combined with his deep-seated insecurities (remember all the star-fcking comments he made at the beginning?), his absolute fear and hatred of women, his coarse behaviour (I’m no prude, but does every fifth word need to be bitch, followed by a massive loogie? It’s just lame, dude), even his look (that is ˜you know, totally rad’) with his frosted tips – seriously, Pal, you know how I know you’re gay? B/c you trade hair care tips (not to mention eyeliner, nail polish, etc…) with your twenty-something daughter (BTW, not a huge fan of Dustin, but he’s 10x more of what it takes to be a real man than Dick will ever be). Then there’s the Dicklet. Man, she’s a piece of work. She could not suck out more. Not saying she’s not hot (though the ˜reverse skunk’ she’s rockin’ these days has got to go), but she has the emotional maturity of a ten year-old (though that’s only 5 years behind fa(bro)ther) combined with a complete delusion WRT to her own actions: everything she does is good, everyone else bad. Though, I will give this to her – she’s one crafty btch. She actually deserves the money. Outside of Eric, no one played this game harder and more completely all summer. Can’t stand her, but she makes Machiavelli look like a pussy.
Look, know this was long, but I’ve had a lot of sht to get off my chest. Great job all season, Schoonie – to you too Flipit.
C.
Great recaps Schoonie and Flipit. We appreciate your hard work and dedication. It’s just too bad that you had to endure such a crappy season 8.
I cast my AP votes for Dick. Well, actually, my votes were more against Dani than for Dick, but “none of the above” wasn’t on the ballot.
Dick, whether you share your winnings with your daughter or not, she’ll still treat you like gum on her shoe. Save yourself the heartache and just keep all of the money for yourself. Dani USED you to do her dirty work, so you earned it.
Dani, I do understand. You are the one who doesn’t. No one gets to choose their parents. Deal with it. That’s history. You’re an adult now. Forget about punishing your Dad and learn to stand on your own two feet. And learn how to do it without using other people just to get what you want. THAT’S JUST PLAIN WRONG. Use your winnings wisely and build a nice life for yourself. Oh, and don’t forget to pay the tax man first. Yeah, I know. That isn’t fair….
Great recap Schoonie-
It makes me feel a little bit better that you and all the other comments here mirror exactly how I feel. F the donatos. Seriously.. the absolute worst sportsmanship and behavior ever.
Even worse than Maggie and Ivette?
I wonder what would happen if the jury just refused to vote? I actually turned my TV off when Dick won HOH. I couldn’t take the gloating and smug attitudes anymore.
Dick’s mom must have the worst parenting skills ever to have raised two vile humans.
I didn’t actually believe that there could be Donato fans out there.. until I went to the EW website. Wow. Reading the message boards on there will seriously make you wonder about the state of America.
Ok, worst final 2 in BB USA history?
BB1 Eddie vs Josh
BB2 Will vs Nicole
BB3 Lisa vs Danielle
BB4 Jun vs Alison
BB5 Drew vs Cowboy
BB6 Maggie vs Ivette
BB7 Boogie vs Erica
BB8 Dick vs Daniele
Season 6 was terrible, but just because the Friendsheep anoyed me.
I actally cannot stand Dick or DIcklet. So yeah, I guess this is the worst final 2 for me.
come on people, get a grip. these people were all selfish, ego maniacs and prima donnas. don’t let the amber, jameka religious bs fool anyone. no one, and i mean no one out of the entire group would have been loved at the end had they gotten there. they all were sniveling smart alecs. just enjoy the show for what it’s meant to be…summer’s guilty pleasure.
First off, I have to agree about Friday Night Lights. I bought the DVD set and plan to watch it this season.
Second, maybe after America’s Player is revealed, I am hoping Daniele doesn’t talk to AMERICA for the rest of her life because of the Nick boot.
For the last 3 years it just makes me sick to my stomach who makes it in the end! I can stand “The Dicks” Dick and Dicklet were awful, from Dick’s horrible treatment of the other HG to Dicklet’s passive personality of having her fa(bro)ther do all of her dirty work! Disgusting! Eric could have won is he wasn’t America’s Player that just screwed him up. The sad thing is all of the viewers who enjoyed how Dick acted. Of course, the normal tv viewers(not live feeders) never actually saw just how horrible this man is.
I did not agree with everything Dick did or said, but what makes any of you better by saying what yall did. You put Dick and Dani down by what they say and most of you say the exact same thing and think you are better than they are. You are all wrong. Jen got burned cause she was trying to grab Dick’s cig. Anyone that stupid would get burned. Now I do agree that Dani whined alot and rode the coattails of her dad. Dick deserves the win. I dont think this year was all that bad. No one can say that anyother HG would not have done the same thing to make it to the final two. As a matter of fact some if not all did things that where wrong not just Dick and Dani. And no one commenting here can not say they would not have celebrated the same way if they had the chance to win that much money. Some of you need to grow up yourself.
What upset me isn’t that they are in the final two. There have been other final twos that have disappointed in the past. What upsets me is the hypocracy of BB producers bending the rules for some and not for others.
It wasn’t “may the best person win.”
On the upside I was hoping the denatos would go all the way early on in the season….on the down side, they have.
I wanted Jesus and Amber at the final 2….DAMN IT!
“Ok, worst final 2 in BB USA history?
BB1 Eddie vs Josh
BB2 Will vs Nicole
BB3 Lisa vs Danielle
BB4 Jun vs Alison
BB5 Drew vs Cowboy
BB6 Maggie vs Ivette
BB7 Boogie vs Erica
BB8 Dick vs Daniele”
I am think Maggie vs Ivette was worse than Dick and Danielle. Who else should it have been? Everyone on this season was terrible at the game. All floaters except for the Donatos. I feel like Kail and her alliance would have been good if they werent all voted out right away but besides them no one else even was playing. Eric was our puppet. Jessica is pretty dumb(but likeable) Amber makes Jessica look like a Mensa Member. Jen was okay. Jameka was too nice to play. Zach is an Oaf. So I’d say I’d be pretty disapointed in any final 2 from this season.
Can I jsut say i love that I don’t have to click through 10 pages for a great Schoonie recap anymore….
[quote/]Sort of like Amber will be once the media ban is lifted. Man, I can’t wait for that! Can I recap the aftermath? [quote]
And I do beleive there are going to be Amber watches happening ALL OVER the site.. you may have to get in line. Won’t it chap the Danatos when they have to stand in line to get an interview behind Amber and Dustin, who we must not forget is also a racist in his own right.
So disgusting that people still defend Dick trying to burn Jen. The defense of “he was defending himself” is bullshit. Who made the first move by blowing smoke into someone’s face?? Jen was defending herself by going after the cig. Please don’t defend a pussy like Dick who would never have done that to Zach or Nick or Mike, or any other man who would’ve wiped the floor with his ass for doing that shit.
EZ, I can appreciate your point of view but Jen freaked and could have moved a bit rather than getting that close to Dick. They both were at fault for the burning … but who in their right mind would have attacked him .. aiming for the lit cig.?
gifford – “Freaked”? As in, kept her cool through multiple verbal beatings (how many girls do you know that would not “freak” the first time they were called a bitch?) and when she knew she was going home, said “fuck it” and fought back? Yeah, she should definitely control her emotions.
is it okay if I just keep weeping that Zach didn’t backdoor Dicklet when he had the chance . . . imagine the lightning he would have put through the show, and to put Eric in a position to avenge their F over, Zach would have been almost clear . . . sigh, like all say, thanks Flip and schoonie for doing the discusting task, and making us laugh (and cry) with you!!!!
Bring on Survivor and Project Runnway . . . oh how they’ll shine in comparison to this.
Hey, you shouldn’t turn your backs on Big Brother over this despicable happening. Most finales these days are always terrible, so it’s nothing new. Just something worse.