Big Brother: Yap Yap Yap

Previously on Big Brother, all the jerkfaces were eliminated, and now there are five people left and I really like four of them. That’s not how it’s supposed to happen on this show! Don’t you know I’m supposed to despise every last one of you by now? DON’T YOU? Quick, one of you call somebody a racially charged name or burn somebody with a cigarette or something so I feel less awkward! Do it, NOW!The show begins with Michelle getting evicted. Okay, so when I tell you that the entire first segment is composed solely of previouslies, I do not lie. It is alarming. It’s like recapping Sportscenter or something. So, anyway…Keesha tells us that she felt genuinely bad that Michelle went out the way she did, but it had to happen because Michelle was a solid player. After Jessie, Michelle has quickly risen in ranks to become my second least favorite houseguest. Nothing like dreaming a bunch of conspiracy theories while you wear a tank top designed for twelve year olds.

Then we get a hilarious DR by Ollie in which he promises Michelle that he will avenge her eviction. I guess he’s going to accomplish that by leaving twenty minutes after she does. We get a flashback to the extremely tense HOH competition from Thursday, after which I was jumping around the living room in celebration like it was Season Six. That’s how I know this season is awesome: for the first time in three years, I actually care what happens. Once Keesha became the HOH, Ollie tells us that he wasn’t worried because he performs his best “when his back is against the wall”, which is pretty much the only position that he and April didn’t do it in.

After the veto competition (in which they insert a ding noise when Dan wins where there was not one during the live show), Dan and Memphis have a quick strategy meeting in which they try and figure out what would be best for them. Keesha tells them that she wants Ollie to leave, so that’s going to be that. My favorite part of Thursday (well, other than the totally rad evictions of two assholes) was when Julie was like “Let’s listen in on some strategy!” and it’s just Keesha screaming about something or other for like three minutes.

And then, Ollie is evicted and all of a sudden it’s the fun people and Jerry. He tells them that he just wants to be able to talk to them and have some conversations so he doesn’t feel so alone. Then he pins Renny down in the kitchen and starts yapping about how awesome he is for being 75 and doing so well in the game, because that’s all he talks about, EVER. I wonder what he talked about before he was old? I bet he just sat in his living room and listened to the police scanner. Renny tells us that she absolutely hates talking to Jerry; not because he’s old, she says, but because he’s just “not her type of person”, which is true. Renny has a personality, and Jerry has a vast collection of jorts.

After the commercials, it’s time for the Awesome Filler Segments of the Evening. Awesome Filler Segment Number 1: the captions tell us that it’s 8:00 PM in the house. Dan asks Renny what time it is in New Orleans, and she hilariously tells him that it’s 6 in New Orleans because they’re two hours behind. Memphis and Dan both start laughing at her, and then Dan corrects her by telling her that it’s actually 10 PM in New Orleans and not six. She becomes more and more animated and convinced that she’s right. “Quit making an ass out of yourself in front of America, Dan!” she yelps at him in her crazy voice as Memphis and Dan collapse into laughter.

Awesome Filler Segment Number 2: Keesha asks Dan to imitate her laugh up in the HOH room. There’s a montage of everyone making fun of and then imitating her in the diary room. It’s all good fun until Jerry impersonates her, and it. Is. TERRIFYING. Just the face he makes, and the noise? It gave me shivers. He makes it sound like the Grim Reaper, but if the Grim Reaper thought Dane Cook were funny.

The HOH competition is circus themed, as evidenced by Keesha’s half-assed circus getup, complete with cane. As they head to the backyard, Dan tells us that the odds are good that their alliance will win because it’s 3 on 1. You know what that means. Choke! Each question is about what day an event happened in the house. You then basically play skee-ball to land as close to the respective day as possible, and the lowest score wins, kind of like golf. After the first question (about the Judas moment), Dan is ahead. Dan stays in the lead through the next 4 questions as well. Jerry starts gaining on him when he gets a question about the earthquake exactly right, but Dan is still in the lead by 2 at this point with two questions left. After Dan has a horrible misthrow and is off by 11 on the next question, Jerry takes the lead and keeps it through the end, despite a good effort from Dan on the last question. Of course Jerry yaps for years about how you should never underestimate an old man. Oh my God, we get it, SHUT UP.

After the competition, Memphis and Keesha commiserate in the peace room. Memphis points out that pretty much everyone’s fought with him. Memphis then tells them he’s not going to be making a deal with Jerry, no matter what. I’d say remember that, but…you know how it goes by now.

Time to see Jerry’s HOH room! He carries a GIANT bag of medication into the room with him as everyone gets to see his pictures of his poor, poor family. Just think about how many of them probably get called Judas on a given day. And the laundry they’d have to do, all the jorts and sleeveless t-shirts! Man, somebody mail them something nice. He spies a toy snake in his HOH gift basket and calls it “Hissy”, and then tells everyone that he has to tell them the story surrounding the snake. Of course it’s some ridiculous and long…well, hold up a minute. It’s just like this:

I know I’ve already made my fair share of Grampa Simpson references this season, but: I believe that pretty much covers it.

Awesome Filler Segment Number 3: In the middle of the night while Keesha and Memphis sleep, Renny gets up and sleepwalks over to the dresser to get some candy bars. She’s entirely out of it as she opens door and then closes it, wanders around the room with no knowledge of where she is, and tells them not to steal her stuff. The next morning in the kitchen, Renny is like “I woke up this morning with an Almond Joy in my bed, and I have no idea what happened!” Man, it’s a good thing she’s not on Survivor; she would have sleptwalked (sleepwalked?) right into the waiting jaws of a tiger.

Renny and Keesha talk in the peace room about what they think Jerry will do. Renny thinks that his best bet is to put the 2 guys or 2 girls up. Meanwhile, Memphis and Dan talk about the same thing outside. Memphis thinks the smartest move is to make a deal with Jerry that will guarantee them Final 3. I think the assumption is that since Memphis won’t get Jerry’s vote anyway because they hate each other, he has no problem screwing him after this week. So Memphis goes upstairs and tells Jerry that the easiest way to do things is for them to go to Final 2 together. Sadly, Jerry does not tell Memphis to use the X Factor hand signal whenever he wants to talk. Memphis continues to fill him full of shit, telling Jerry about how he doesn’t trust anyone anymore and he needs Jerry to get to the end and whatever, and of course he eats it up because he’s Jerry and he’s an idiot. Jerry tells Memphis that his goal is to put Dan up and send him home, so Memphis needs to make sure that happens after the veto competition. Memphis sells the Dan eviction, telling Jerry that he has no problem getting rid of him because, he says, “the son of a bitch put me up!” Jerry and Memphis shake hands while Memphis tells us in voiceover that he has no intention of getting rid of Dan. This is actually fairly shrewd play by Memphis and Dan, since it keeps both of them from going up, which would be the worst possible scenario because then their fates are in the hands of Renny and Keesha, which is bad.

Nomination time! Dan tells us he’s pretty sure he’s going up because “Jerry hasn’t called anyone else a Judas in the house!” Indeed, Dan. Jerry tells us that everything he does is well thought out and planned to get him to the end of the game. Yeah, that’s why his alliance is so dominant and he has so many friends, because he’s the Machiavelli of this bitch. Oh, wait. So at the nomination ceremony he puts up Keesha and Dan. He tells Dan that it’s a matter of trust, since he still doesn’t think Dan is reliable. He tells Keesha that he put her up because she’s a good player. Jerry tells us that he wants to get Dan out of the house, so putting Keesha up guarantees Renny’s vote to evict Dan. Memphis, meanwhile, tells us that his real goal is to get Renny out of the house because she’s his biggest problem right now, since he’s set with everyone else. He’s also tired of her stealing all his candy bars.