Big Brother: Yappy Chihuahuas and Crappy DJs

Tonight, on Big Brother, Julie Chen is hilarious and Ronnie finally gets hit upside the head a few times.

Unfortunately, it’s not with a baseball bat.

Everyone’s favorite bot welcomes us to the show wearing a headdress. Seriously, how many impoverished Asian children’s heads were shaved for her do? You guys! There’s something big going on tonight!! I’m hoping for mandatory lobotomies. No? Damn. The cliques are over and done with. Meh. Who cares? I want some prods stuck in some frontal lobes. It’s the only thing that can truly save the season. The bot is so excited about this shocking turn of events that a shoulder cord pops out of her skin.

So in case you forgot all the intense action that’s gone down the past week, let’s enjoy a five minute clip to remind you.

Oh yeah. And this.

Well, at least it’s erect. It makes him look closer to his made up age.

Also, Jessie had a very, very serious meeting about strategy.

Finally. A banana that can talk back. Knock knock.

DJ Midlife Crisis is so sexy in that thing that other bananas start crawling out of the woodwork to try to get his number.

The Way You Look Tonight

Alright, real banana. This is verging on harassment.

Julez promises not only that the cliques twist is over, but that “a new power will be unleashed on the house.” PLEASE let a psychopathic babybot shoot out of her and break through the front door.

No, couldn’t be a babybot cuz it’s not time yet. This not yet released power is something America has chosen. It will probably be the power to feed someone horseradish sauce and baby poopies for a week or some shit. You’re not gonna pull one over on me, Chendra. In the meantime, let’s see how DJ Midlife handles his “final ap-peel!” Wow, Chenbott and Costello all in one. I never see your comedy coming, but I relish it when it gets here. Right after Jessie’s nomination soliloquy:

Cuz one of your boobies is kinda square.

Casey is so upset about the lack of houseguest outrage at his nomination that he has to let his ears take a breath.

Banana Ear Outrage Syndrome

Midlife is amazed that Ronnie pulled off tricking Jessie into letting him stay, cuz Jessie is a super complex guy and known for thinking things through very deeply. Ronnie is so happy with himself that he puts his arms up. Way to ask back those lost viewers, CBS. Please don’t ever let this happen again.

Please. Please trim your armpit hair.

Watching Ronnie squeal and giggle and pat himself on the shoulder makes me kinda sick, but not as sick as the previous shot. The editors make it up to us quickly, though.

Uh oh, look who’s smart now?

Jeff isn’t happy about Casey’s nomination because “we had everything set in stone, per se.” LOL. Glasses? Don’t help. Casey talks to Jordon outside about this being “the season of the dork,” and thinks he and Laura are both out because they’re not sheep. Old dudes who bleach their hair and wear urban stylings from the young adult section of Dillard’s and chicks who completely massacre their bodies to be “pretty” aren’t desperately trying to swim with the flow at all. DJ Midlife is so stressed that he lets his black youth accent get out of control and morph into a high Jamaican guy’s. “Yeah, mon.” LOL, Midlife.

Jeff comes out to join them. He can understand the nomination, but “what’s up with the diss?” He’s referring to Jessie’s “move your feet, you gotta new seat” nugget of Jenius line. That wasn’t a diss. He just wanted to show you that he could rhyme, which, as he’s wearing a straw hat and giant plastic clown glasses, is the least he could do.

Jeff is pissed that Jessie is such a douchebag that he would wear giant sunglasses and make up a stupid zinger for a guy wearing a banana suit. HAHA. Midlife’s like uhhhh…yeah, thanks. Later that night, Lydia skankily sneaks into the HOH suite. Jessie looks like he’s totally ready to do anything that walks in that door, unfortunately for him.

Lydia crawls into bed with Jessie and stares at him while he sleeps. She likes to watch him move and stuff. “Maybe Jessie dreams of baby unicorns.” I can guarantee you if he wakes up right now and sees you glaring at him like you’re a leak and he’s a tube of caulk, he will never ever think of baby unicorns while sleeping again.

Actually, Jessie might just be impressed with his own powers. This guy can take the homliest girl in any house and turn her into a quivering slobbering mess. Remember what he did to Michelle?

Can ya heah me honey? Touch the glass! TOUCH IT!!

Lydia says she hopes he’s thinking of her in his sleep, because sleep is a very vulnerable place for a person to be in, and she could do whateeeever she wants to when he’s like that. OK she’s totally kidding, right? No. She makes crazy eyes at the camera and says he better not ever make her mad or she’ll do something really bad. One part of me is screaming that this nutskank should be thrown out of the house by the producers right this second, but the other side knows the truth. Jessie. Fucking. Deserves it.

Jessie, the Lord is tryin’ to tell you somethin’.

Jordan cutely tells us that she’s just gonna sit back and let DJ Midlife go off the deep end, sealing his own fate. That’s a smart move. Saving money on a doctor you found in the yellow pages? Not as smart.

Casey sits outside with Kevin, who is also in big stupid plastic sunglasses. It’s not ok because he’s gay. It’s worse. Casey gently berates the HGs for being sheep and doing whatever the athletes tell them to. This is an attempt “to make ‘em raaaazzzz up!” OK, Martin Luther King. If he can convince everyone that it would be in their best interests to not side with the opposite team, he’s in. Seems like they would have already thought of that, but better late than never. Kevin comes around and decides that it would be good to have someone going after the athletes like a rabid dog so he doesn’t have to pull out his Lee Press-Ons and start aiming for the eyes like a crazed banshee quite yet.

But you know his time will come.

Midlife’s next target is Russell. How do you ruffle any meat head roid rage ape who works out five hours a day and refers to himself as the Love Muscle? Challenge his pride. He tells Russell that in his alliance he’s number four. Russell gets all fidgety and nervous, insisting bros come before hos. You’ve seen this show before, right? Jessie doesn’t have bros. Only hos. Russell tells us he’s swayed, but there’s no way he’s going with a banana over a possible future bottom.

I have no caption for this. I just wanted something to glance back at every once in awhile filed away in the archives. You’re welcome.

Enough mental chess. Let’s take a break from this brain twister of a season and enjoy a video package called Idiot Love. Starring Jordan and Jeff. The girls all lie around tanning, squawking to Jordan that she should snap Jeff up and keep him crated while she’s out so no one comes by and tries to steal him.

But I promised Papaw I wouldn’t wipe my boogars on anyone.

What do the families think of this budding romance?

They’re totally gonna watch their little girl bone an older man in night vision under their giant cross.

Papaw says that Jordan’s so nice that no one ever dislikes her cuz of her prettiness. The editors cut out the part where he screams at the TV for her to keep it in her pants or he’s locking her in the Jesus Chapel Summer Camp for the rest of the summer. Then we meet Jeff’s family. You know what would make this show awesome right now? For Candace Olsen to bound through the door and get rid of that panelling.

Jeff’s family does us the great favor of showing us a pic of Jeff in high school.

LOL

Jeff’s mom says that spelling was never Jeff’s favorite subject and he and Jordan are “cut from the same cloth.” HAHAHAH. Love moms who are not completely delusional about their children.

Who was he supposed to end up with, Sandra Day O’Connor?

Jordan’s mom puts her daughter’s affliction much more subtly: “She’s on her own page.” Clip of Jordan and Jeff exploring the great mysteries of the world. Like how they both spell cat with a “k”.

Let’s make babyz.

These two are really cute together. In the way monkeys throwing poop at each other is cute. It’s gross, but you can’t help but awwwww! Both moms tell us that their kid has had their heart broken, and Jeff’s mom thinks Jeff might have been put on the show to find his wife. It had absolutely nothing to do with the way his stomach is cut like a statue’s or his lips are like soft plump pillows or that his butt’s like a…. Where was I?

The HG’s gather in the living room for the eviction ceremony and ChenChen calls out the “two hundred pound banana in the room.” Oh, Julez. I haven’t laughed that hard since Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place was on the air. DJ Midlife tries to seem good natured and says that the suit shows off his tan, and Julie moves on to Ronnie. She reminds him that last week everyone hated him so much that he barricaded himself in his room with candy, a tear stained picture of his wife, and moobs.

THAT WAS SOooooo FUN!!

I don’t know why he’s laughing, but I suspect he has a boner. He’s never not gonna giggle and twitch while Julie Chen is talking to him. Ronnie says that he’s glad to see “how actions in this house that everyone’s performed in the house really show how they really are as a person.” HUH? I hate this little idiot. Especially when he makes that lipless frown. Leave it up to Big Brother to make you root against the underdog. That Grodner’s got skill.

HIT HIM!

Russell is wondering how he’s resisted beating the shit out of this little twit.

I miss roids.

Chen asks Ronnie to name names, but Ronnie makes that self righteous little frown and snaps “they know who they are.” WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Let this be a warning to the rest of the HGs. DON’T. PERFORM. ACTIONS. Moving on. Lydia has shown up looking much less crazy than usual. Just kidding. She looks like she just got electrocuted during aerobics class in 1984.

And she liked it.

The bot asks Lydia if her argument with Natalie was just about sleeping arrangements, and she hesitantly answers yes. Jessie makes a stupid “don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful face” to the monitor.

I hate you for many reasons. Being beautiful is not one of them.

Natalie and Lydia both giggle and speak poor English and refuse to admit wanting to bone Jessie. Hey, I wonder if Michelle ever gets a call from Jessie?

You’re gonna call me, right? RIGHT? RIIIIGHT?!?!?

Julie congratulates Michelle (the one from this season) on winning the veto and not worrying about that whole dignity thing.

And now for a very special message from CBS about how getting a prostate exam is sexy. Whoever cast this psa should be fired. This woman looks like she’s getting a prostate exam right now.

My prostate just shriveled in fear.

Back from break, the bot has private time with Jessie. She asks about the girls fighting over him, and he says their relationships are “strictly plotonic.” LOL. He says that they both have good qualities. Chen asks if he’s just using them for game play, and he says no he likes them both and considers them both strong allies. Why isn’t Jessie acting like a douchebag? This wasn’t in the script! Oh wait. He just made Days of Our Lives eyebrow. He’s back on track.

He admits that one of the girls could be playing him, but he would understand cuz they’re fighting for so much money. Then, when asked who he would choose to be stranded with on a desert island, he won’t answer. “Happy birthday, dad!” OK, let me get this straight. Jessie was just gentle, charming, and dimply. And he only messed up one word! He even used “I plead the fifth” correctly! WTH?

What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

Time to vote!! DJ Midlife is shitting bricks. Chenlet asks them to plead their case. Jordon bounces around and does her Kelly Pickler impression, then Midlife apologizes for letting his team down and blames his fall on backstabbers. Ronnie frownsmiles in a really not witty t-shirt he ordered off the Gadzooks online store cuz he was too afraid of getting punched at the one in the mall.

Midlife calls Ronnie “the dorkapotomus with the God complex” and Jessie “the smedium wearing egomaniac with the personality and IQ, ironically enough, of a banana.” HAHAHAHAH. Dude, a sixty year old just said “smedium”. UrbanDictionary.com: The Fountain of Youth. Jessie looks like he’s gonna cry.

He warns the other HGs that what been done to him be done to dem too, soon, and don’t be sheep. Well, you won Lydia’s vote!

What does smedium mean?

Bye now, Midlife! Good luck with that whole magically turning yourself into a thirteen year old urban youth thing. On cue, he ends his goodbye speech with “Holla.” LOL. You know his wife has her face in her palms right now. Time for the vote!! Jeff votes to keep the mother of his future doltlets in the house, Ronnie “is ecstatic to vote to evict the hypocritical, sore loser midlife crisis having Casey.” He’s so excited at his imagined power that he frownyface jizzes himself.

Natalie high fives him in the hallway and then wipes off her sticky hand before voting to evict “the bitter banana Casey.” She’s wearing the exact colors of the carpet. I don’t know why that’s important, but I can’t take it off pause.

Chia votes to evict Midlife, and Russell bucks the trend and votes to evict Jordan. Michelle votes to evict Casey, and Lydia comes to the voting booth dressed like Jugs.

She puts on her best Sherlock Holmes accent to evict Casey, and to win her title as the HG I want to throttle the most at the moment.

Kevin follows his hag and votes to evict Midlife. Well, there you have it. Casey gets up and spreads around some “big daddy”s, “yoyoyo”s and “fo shizzle”s before telling Jessie that his word is mud. He tries to go out on a ranting rage, but Natalie jumps all over him like a yappy Chihuahua and tells him he stabbed Jessie in the back first. Jessie was smart to align with her. He doesn’t have to try to come up with any big words as long as she yaps for him. Fitting that the seventy year old in a banana suit, a bleached goatee, and an Eminem hat would go out losing a shouting match to a girl. Nice try, LOOZA!

Natalie’s still worked up and she continues yapping long after Midlife leaves. She’s also pissed that there was one vote for him and gets started pointing fingers. Midlife whines to Chen that he can only take so much BS from dolts like Jessie and the guy’s only in the lead cuz of luck. Chen gives him shit for taking a margarita party over the points in the veto competition. And didn’t he realize that Ronnie won everyone back when he was pulling pranks on Midlife? Midlife has no good answers for anything, but he does have a lot of bitterness, which is more entertaining anyway.

In goodbye vids, Russell says he tried to get him the votes but couldn’t, Ronnie nanny booboos and makes armpit farts, Jordan calls him awesome, and Lydia says she’s more than an eighteen year old fool. She’s a twenty four year old fool with a college degree, dammit! Kevin says sorry, Michelle says that there’s only one other married person in the house and it’s Ronnie. Then she gives a big thumbs down. LOL. Jeff tells him to walk out of heah wid his banana held high.

ChenChen gathers the HGs back in the living room, and Natalie shouts that there are no more cliques. Chen confirms her suspicions, and then adds that soon one of them will be granted with a mystery power.

I hope it’s catching.

I hope it’s catching.





I hope it’s kats.

America is going to decide who gets this mystery power, and it will be valid for two weeks. Julez has a lot of stuff to read off the prompter, here, and she of course bones it halfway through. We’re trying to forget that you’re the boss’ wife, k? Let us! She sends the HGs outside to play for HOH, and tells us the special power is called “The Coup D’etat”. Whoever wins will get to throw out one of both of the nominations. Way to make this whole thing even more random and luck based. All I ask is PLEASE don’t give this power to Ronnie, AMERICA!!! But knowing how America votes, my hopes aren’t very high.

I will never get over this one.

This week’s HOH competition involves hanging from a circular lift. Whoever hangs the longest wins. Can fake pigeon poop be far behind? The first five people to be eliminated get a graduation gift box, one of which contains $5,000. They swing around in circles, and a big foam diploma comes out that they start crashing into head first. HAHA. Love this.

I hope the objects just get bigger and harder. Plate glass! Wall of nails! This could get good. It probably won’t, but without dreams we’re just empty vessels.

Chia, shockingly, is the first one to start whining. When we leave the backyard, it’s raining and they’re getting beat in the heads. LOL. Man, this is one night I wished I had the live feeds. I will just have to make due with putting Ronnie getting his head bashed in on a loop.