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Tonight on Big Brother, Natalie tells America to suck it, Grodner shoves filler down our throats, and Kevin makes some of the most vile faces ever seen on a human being.
We open with a blue out. Jordan talks about how shocked she was when she found out Jeff was the magical wizard. Then again, Jordan was shocked that there weren’t 25 quarters in an hour, so take it’s for what it’s worth. Russell was shocked too. So shocked that he developed a giant shock zit.
Thank you for coming. Have a nice day.
We see the whole magical wizard ceremony all over again. For a second there, it looked like Jessie was going to plea for his safety the old fashioned way. Lap dances.
Unfortunately, he didn’t strip down to nakedness. Just to his douchey nature.
Chia may look calm while Jeff puts up Natalie and Jessie in place of her nominations, but here’s how she really feels.
Her mouth is so big that the editors have to fuzz out the entire lower half of her face. Without that mouth she’s all forehead. If they fuzzed out up to her eyebrows, I would have thought I was looking at Stevie Wonder. With a boob job.
We get to see what happened after Jeff put the sour couple on the block. Chia stays calm and collected and hums “I Just Called To Say I Love You” for awhile, then she starts telling Jeff off in what I’m guessing is her stab at “silent intensity.” Sorry but yawn. She has the intimidation power of a pet rock. That grows grass hair when you pour water onto it.
Natalie yaps about Jeff showing no loyalty, and he calmly answers that she and Jessie were in the lead so it would be stupid for him to leave them safe. Duh. Chia accuses him of being power hungry. Well ain’t that the nut sack calling the elbow ugly. She says that keeping Russell was a bad move and he’s like “uh yeah, for you.” But he’s disloooyal. Chia is more dazed and confused than calm, like she just fell out of a tree. He’s getting annoyed, and when he tells her that she has no power, he sounds like a dad about to hand out a spanking if you don’t calm down in the back of that keahr!
Confusedly, she says if she didn’t have control then he wouldn’t have had any nominations to overthrow. She’s starting to crack. All over the net there have been whisperings about Chia’s nervous breakdown. Bring it on! This is boring. Jeff shrugs and says it’s a game, and Chia gets an evil little girl voice and calmly and freakily mutters “I can play a game….I can win a game! ….There’s no power next week….” She looks like she’s about to start rocking back and forth with drool coming down her chin while giggling hysterically right now. Poor Chima is gonna take days to realize she wasn’t elected president and doesn’t have four years of power. Deluuuuusional!
This reminds me of that part in The Sixth Sense where Bruce Willis finds out he’s been dead the whole time.
We see Jessie evicted again, and it’s glorious. And then the fun begins.
Natalie tells us what a good, decent person Jessie is. I wish there was more time to ask her for specific examples, but watching her drip snot all over herself is entertaining enough for now. She sobs about how the bad and the ugly are always the ones who win and the good toned muscular people lose even though they’ve got integrity. What is she even talking about? Chia acts like even more of an idiot and says that Jessie’s eviction feels like a family member dying. Her family is so fucking offended right now. Watching her mourn with one boob four inches above the other one is hard. I don’t know who to cry for. Her, Jessie, or the reputation of her boob doctor. Seriously, those things are all over the place.
Kevin is mortified when Jessie disses him, and doesn’t get why. Uh, cuz you just voted him out? No, it’s because he’s an egomaniacal megalomaniac. True, but I have a feeling it might at least a little bit also be because you voted him out.
He was a regular Joan of Arc, that one.
Lydia rolls one of her eyes back and the tattoo on her chest detaches from her body and flies away to avenge Jessie.
She’s crushed you guys. Jessie didn’t just get into her head, he came into her heart. And her palm. If loving him so deeply makes her a bad player, then fine. “I’ll be a bad player!” Oh, NOW you’ll be a bad player? Thanks for the warning. Wouldn’t want to be shocked by your complete lack of game if it just came sneaking up on me.
Last season, we got one homely deranged chick sobbing and snotting and drooling all over herself when Jessie was evicted. Now we have three! This season is really stepping it up. Jeff tells the three sobbers it’s only a game and he doesn’t get why they’re acting like that. Natalie uses her loyalty line again, and Chia says he lied when he said he would vote Russell out. He reminds her that he didn’t technically vote so he didn’t lie. LOL. I like that one. She says “you can semantics if you want”. Without missing a beat, he says “you can semantics!” Then Jordan says nobody should be mean to Jewish people.
Then Michelle wins HOH. Everyone’s a little iffy about that, because no one knows what she’ll do. As Kevin puts it, her win “is the most biggest question mark.” This show makes me think of the movie Nell a lot.
Michelle and Russell are in awe of Jeff’s game play, and he gives an inspirational speech about how you can talk and talk and talk, but if you don’t change things then what’s the point? Then he goes back to studying a cure for cancer, which is his real reason for being on Big Brother.
Meanwhile, Chia and her homely coven (plus Kevin) bemoan the holes in their hearts. Michelle is talking to Russell and Jeff and Jordan, which means she’s aligned with them even after all that horrific abuse Russell hurled at her. Michelle is trying to get on Jeff’s side, not Russell’s. Still, it’s fun to watch Chia cry at Michelle forgetting all that abuse by the big bad terrorist MAN.
Wacky muisc plays as Michelle shows off her HOH room. She’s had a bunch of different hair colors, sometimes all at once. Everyone oohs and ahhs at her pics. I ooohed a lot. Well, ewed.
Your nose is way smaller as a redhead.
There’s a pic of three guys, and Michelle says that one of them’s her husband.
Then there’s a closeup.
No one understands why she has a rat, but it’s because they don’t know of her super secret brilliance. She could name the rat Algernon and bring it flowers and they still wouldn’t get it. One thing Jeff does get, though, is that everyone is suddenly kissing her ass and pretending they love rats just to get on her good side. LOL. I want to see the looks on their faces down the line when they find out that she doesn’t love rats, she just does tests on them. Chia is the only one in the room having trouble faking it.
That high boob’s not fooling anyone, either, girl.
Michelle gets a form letter from her husband that she calls thoughtful, but it’s the same letter everyone gets. Except Chia, of course, cuz her letter was about some horrific disease or something.
Jeff sits outside with Russell worrying that Chia will talk Michelle into putting them both on the block. Russell claims his devotion and then pauses for Jeff to commit to an alliance. Jeff doesn’t, and keeps fretting so Russell says that he would take Jeff off the block even if it left him exposed cuz it’s all about keeping your word and he’ll scratch Jeff’s back as long as he scratches his. Pause. No commitment from Jeff. He starts talking about being in trouble again. Come on, Jeff! Commit! Marry Russell! Didn’t he already learn this lesson with Jessie the first week? He’s come a long way to just make the same mistake and put himself on the outs with a possibly strong ally just so he doesn’t have to lie and backstab later. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LIE AND BACKSTAB!
Russell knows that Michelle hates his ass right now, so he appeals to her in a way he thinks she will be able to understand. He wears glasses. Cuz she’s smart. I love that everyone has a pair of glasses to whip out this season as a smart person prop.
Les sociÃ©tÃ©s pharmaceutiques sont l’Ã©pine dorsale de notre Ã©conomie, non?
He kinda apologizes for last week, and she says her main problem was that they were supposed to have an agreement but he blabbed her secrets and then berated her. He nods sympathetically like that was someone else. Someone without glasses. He suggests that they are equally at fault. Huh? How so? Cuz all she did was confide in you and then defend herself when you went all roidrageous on her. Michelle giggles and smiles a lot and pees the bed a little cuz he’s even talking to her. She tells us that they’re ok now, but she knows he’s sneaky so she’ll keep her eyes on him. And keep her eyes on him she does.
The international mouth sign for blowjob had to be blurred out. Hussy!
The homely mourning alliance eats Chinese food and opens Jessie’s bottle of Merlot in remembrance. LOL. Jordan goes outside and rants to Jeff about how annoying it is that they’re such hypocrites and she wants “what’s her name” and her big mouth out of there. I have no idea who she’s talking about.
Inside, the homelies are toasting to “Mr. Pectacular” with really dirty glasses. I kinda hope there’s a salmonella outbreak.
And now the mourning party begins. Lydia talks about how special Jessie was and tries to cry. She can’t, so she just scrunches her face for awhile. You’re covered in tatts, your hair looks like crap, you’re wearing enough eyeliner to fill a 99 cent store. The last thing you should be doing right now is making this face.
Keep that up and you’ll have as many lines on your face as Natalie.
Lydia knows that when she wakes up tomorrow, she’s gonna see everyone but her Jessie. WAAAHHHH! Now Chia’s crying. Poor Jessie didn’t even get a chance to fight! And he was so much fun! And so…big! They cry and wah but never offer any specifics as to why he’s a good person. For once, Kevin and I are on the same page.
O. M. Geeeeeeeee.
Violin music plays as the girls talk about how grateful Jessie was to be alive and how he never talked bad about anyone. LOL. Kevin reminds us that Jessie put Chia on the block, voted to evict Lydia, and got mad at him for not getting rid of Natalie. This is reasoning, and it has no place here. The girls continue. Chia sobs about how Jessie put her up but really wanted her to stay, and Lydia, with a straight face, says “did you guys know he prayed for us all the time?” BWAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Well, God would have answered, but HE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK JESSIE WAS SAYING.
Russell sits outside wearing a shirt that says Welcome to Jook City. I had to look Jook up on urbandictionary. There are three meanings. 1. To hook somebody up with someone or something. 2. Type of dance. 3. To stab somebody. Mmmmm, I’m thinking 3? I don’t care. I’m not mad at him for wearing that shirt. I’m mad at him for wearing a shirt. It forces me to concentrate on his zit.
Less jooking, more Proactiving.
The not homelies sit round the hot tub and talk about what morons the homelies are and how they’re treating Jessie like he’s just been crucified. Inside, Lydia says that she’s always liked Jordan but she hasn’t stood up for what’s right! Natalie doesn’t just blame Jordan, she blames America, dammit! “Thanks America! You’re real standup people!” Real nice, Natalie. I hope she has a town hall meeting and gets her ass whooped by an old lady with a Don’t Mess With Texas t-shirt and a sun visor covered in little kitties. Numerous shots of the girls sobbing. Cut to Chia and Nat trying to cuddle with Jessie while he looks uncomfortable.
I wonder what Russell’s doing right now.
Next morning, the not homelies are still basking in their glory. Michelle says that she wants Chia out of the house. YAYness. Time for the have/have nots comp!! Meh, who cares? When the hell is Chia gonna lose her shit? We’re halfway through the episode and nothin! WHAT GIVES? The HGs go to the backyard. They will have to slide into goop and then run to a buffet table of casseroles. They have to guess what’s in them and then put them on the corresponding title to win a luxury. The producers flirt with Jeff by spelling casserole the way he pronounces it.
Russell takes time to remind us how big his wiener is.
While Michelle and Jeff try all the casseroles to match them up (who comes up with this shit?), Natalie starts yapping at Jeff. Without Jessie there to balance her out a bit, she’s turning into Danny DeVito’s character from Taxi at record speed.
Jeff basically tells her to stfu. Jeff and Jordan are teamed up to swallow and gag together. Aw, love. Jordan thinks she tastes tuna, but tuna’s not even on the board. What is it with idiots and tuna?
Kevin is teamed with Lydia, and he’s immediately offended by her barking. Don’t be friends with a dog, then. I am offended too. By the fact that he’s not only reinforced every cruel, lispy, pansy ass stereotype of gay people, but that he’s ruined hot pink for me, too.
Not ok, Mary.
Chia makes little to no effort. She’s still walking around dazedly from the fall from the tree. Nat isn’t much quicker. Chia starts shit with Russell, telling him not to look at her, and he says she’s not good enough to look at. No one argues. They win food for every day but two. You know, I could be reading a book right now. My fear that this might not ever turn into an action packed episode intensifies when we get a segment of Lydia talking in an annoying little girl voice about her stuffed unicorn Gay Yum Yum. She tells Kevin not to be mean to it, and then the Gay sits on it and swallows it into the vortex with a YUM! YUM! The end. If only he could fit Lydia.
Outside, Russell asks Jordan if she likes Jeff and she says she would date him if he lived in Charlotte. She says she’s very young and he’s very old and doesn’t know if it would work out. WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHIT?
Later, Nat goes up to the HOH and asks her to be honest about who she’s putting up. Then, she tries to talk her into getting rid of evil Russell. Chia is next to come kiss ass, but never quite gets there. Michelle says flat out that Chia won’t be happy with the noms, and Chia warns her that she’s out if she doesn’t get out Russell. She doesn’t yell or get crazy, but she’s emphatic. Chia’s mouth works, and Michelle is now confused about what to do. I knew that the episode after Thursday’s couldn’t be as exciting, but with all the buzz on the net the past couple of days I am completely pissed that it’s this lame. COME ON!! I’ve got some Divine Designs on the DVR. Candice Olsen’s even more of a devious trash talking slut than the lame brains in this cast tonight.
Rusty nails and Jessie pee.
Time for nominations! Chia says that if Michelle doesn’t put Russell up then she will question her ability to reason. She knows how to reason. Russell keeps showing off his love muscle. Why wouldn’t she want to keep him around?
Michelle nervously asks the HGs not to take anything personally cuz it’s just a game and they’ve all “made lies”. And that’s the smart one. Jordan, Jeff, Russell, Kevin, and Lydia are safe!! Nat and Chia are on the block! YAYAYAYAYYY!!! Lydia’s the most surprised. She showed up dressed like Aileen Wuornos thinking she was going to be executed.
Michelle tells Chia that she knows there’s no way Chia will try and take her to the final two and Nat is up just cuz. Nat tells us that she’s a force to be reckoned with. LOL. Announcer guy says to be sure and come back Tuesday to see what happens when someone self destructs and is removed from the game. WTF?!?! NO FAIR!! We all know who it is, and I would have tried to sweet talk Schoonhacker into taking this bs night if I had known this would happen!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Oh wait. It’s over and now I can watch Candice slut up someone’s house. YAAAYYYYY!!!