Previously on Big Brother: I saw this screencap coming a mile away.

That’s what she said.
Also, Russell promised to go all Chima on eviction night. We can only hope. Chenbot, looking resplendent in a beige… tablecloth, I guess, says that “the game has turned into a living chess match”. I think BB is more like poker, but YMMV.
When we go to color, Jeff says he has the chance to take out his strongest competitor, and he’s taking it. Russell says “they picked the wrong guy”. Judging by the crazy eyes, I’d say they picked the right one, brah. Kevin goes to thank Jordan and Ratalie, who, perhaps not coincidentally, are dressed like Twinkies. You guys, they are total besties now! Aunt Flow even came to see them both at the same time this week!
And brought Ratalie this awesome t-shirt.
Ratalie says in the Diary Room that she and Kevin are going after Jeff next week. But first, they’re going into the storage room to do a Chill Town Happy Dance. Does anybody have an original idea on this show anymore? Meanwhile, Russell is in the Shallow End (thanks Flipit for another awesome nickname) pouting. Michele comes to see him wearing her best Back Door Nooky skirt, telling us how helpless and vulnerable she feels and how she needs a big, strong, hurting man so they can ease each other’s pain together. Russell apparently decides not to take her up on it, because next we see him outside pouting some more.
I threw myself at him. And missed.
Jeff, inside, tells everyone it’s time to face the music, by which he means it’s time to stir the pot. He asks Russell if he wants to talk, and Russell obviously doesn’t, but Jeff keeps after him. “You gotta know it was a smart move on my play. You don’t think so?” Jeff accuses Russell of breaking up their Final Four deal by having a Final Two deal with Michele. This only makes sense under Jeff’s Laws of Mathematics, and Russell correctly points out that Final Two deals have no bearing whatsoever on Final Four deals. Not one to quit while he’s ahead, Russell follows this up with a threat that Jeff better not show his face around the jury house. Which only makes sense if Russell wants Jeff to win, but who’s counting? Jeff responds to the threat with another threat, and just like that this thing has escalated to about a 6.5 on the Donato Scale. If Russell smoked he could totally burn Jordan right now. Speaking of Jordan, Ratalie goes squealing to her that the boys are going at it outside. Jordan runs out and starts defending Jeff, which causes Russell to ask who’s wearing the pants.

And by “pants”, I mean “chastity belt”.
Didn’t we see Russell try this on Ratalie and Jessie just a couple of weeks ago? Russell’s bag of tricks seems to be kind of limited:
1) Schmooze
2) Rage
3) Pick on a girl (or Ronnie, but I repeat myself)
4) Repeat
“You’re just mad cuz you gat gat!” Jeff says. Gat? Gat means Gun, right?
But apparently in Chicagoland it means Beaten In A Battle Of Wits By An Unarmed Man.
He repeats these words of wisdom about two dozen times just so they sink in. You Gat Gat. I may wake up screaming that in the middle of the night. Assuming I get any sleep. On that note, Round 1 comes to a close. It looks like an even match so far, but don’t worry, there’s more to come.
As entertainment between rounds, Russell thinks he has Michele’s vote and only needs one more to stay, so he goes after Kevin at the pool table. Hs angle with Kevin is that he should stay because everyone wants to go to the final two with a villain.
An eeeevil villain?
It’s not a bad idea but there’s no way Kevin is deserting Jeff. Besides, 1) Russell is laying it on way too thick and 2) Kevin has to know that he doesn’t need a villain, he’d win against anyone that’s left. I’m thinking there’s a Marcellas-style exit in Kevin’s near future, though. Enough jibberjabber, it’s time for…
Round 2
Russell tells the DR that it’s time “to make the house see how big a threat Jeff is”. So he goes to yell some more in Jeff and Jordan’s general direction. Jeff is doing a good job of not getting ruffled. Not so much for his sidekick. Unfortunately, she forgot to read the safety label that came with her, um, airbags.



Any airbag that has deployed must be replaced. Do not try to remove or replace any airbag by yourself. This must be done by a dealer or knowledgeable body shop.
Russell is really intimidated by being chest-bumped–or squished, anyway–so he drops the F-bomb on Jordan. “Sitting there eating cookie dough wondering why you’re fat.” Fat insults are too mature, though, so he tries barking like a dog. When that doesn’t work, he goes and does some bench presses to help think of snappy comebacks. Jeff, rather than getting mad, is starting to look at Russell like the nice people in white coats do right before they lock you in the padded room. “Take 5 minutes, think of a good one, and I’ll be sitting here,” he says trying not to laugh. Russell mentions the Technotronics incident. “You can’t use Technotronics again, bro, cuz you’ve said it 800 times.” So Russell calls Jordan a fatty. Jeff: “This is what you come up with after two days? That’s terrible.” Now everyone is laughing. Russell saves the best for last: he turns on everyone else and tells them they’re too stupid to see that Jeff is playing them all. What was that plan of yours again? Well played, sir. Well played.
Strategery FAIL
Kevin must have told Ratalie that Russell approached him, because she tells him “If you keep Russell here, I’ll stab you in the heart.” LOL. Jeff finally starts to get a bit worked up, but wisely heads inside instead of giving Russell the satisfaction. Russell stomps around the yard calling everyone a bunch of sheep and basically being ignored… and that’s it for Round 2!
And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, off we go to the jury house! Woohoo! It’s a gorilla! It’s a jerkopotamus! It’s…
The Return Of Pepto Man!
Jessie is back in top form and putting America on notice that he’s “ridiculously tanned and jacked”. That’ll make Russell’s day tomorrow when he hears that the steroids flow freely in the jury house. But back to Jessie. Since he didn’t have the opportunity to watch farewell videos on eviction night, the producers have thoughtfully provided him a DVD to watch. Yes, I said a DVD! Big Brother has finally made the jump from VHS. Welcome to the year 2000! I promise your computers won’t go haywire, the Y2K thing was totally a letdown. Anyhoo, Jessie is totally ridiculously jacked to watch the video.
Cuz Pepto Man’s about to get a sidekick.
He’s eating a large bowl of something disgusting-looking, totally oblivious that the camera watching him eat means something’s about to go down. Lydiot sneaks up behind him, and you can tell she’s in the mood to kick some ass because she’s changed from a pink unitard to a black one. She tries to act mad for about three seconds, then a fight breaks out. And by “fight”, I mean “foreplay”. Seriously this scene would not be out of place on an overnight-date episode of The Bachelor.
Or a low-rent porno, but I repeat myself again.
Once they get their paws off each other, Lydiot shows Jessie the video of Chima’s meltdown and exit. I was hoping they’d show Lydiot’s drunken rampage again, but no such luck. Jessie is impressed enough with Jeff’s gameplay that he thinks about voting for him to win. Slow down there, boss. You still have to make it through the next week without being killed in post-coital sleep or having your ankles smashed with a sledgehammer. Luckily Lydiot is happy at the moment, because she has him all to herself. “I’d be happy too if I were you,” says Jessie. Yep, top form. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Jessie is great at making a caricature of himself. Like St. Hubbins said, it’s such a fine line between clever and stupid.
Which reminds me: back to the Houseguests!
The Chenbot’s first question is for Russell: hasn’t it been a weird couple of days? Russell is back in Dr. Jekyll mode and says that all the rage is “entertaining” and “fun” and “personal attacks are part of the game”. Next she asks Jordan the same question. Jordan says it’s been a stressful time and she’s not usually not such an angry person, but the game has brought it out of her. “I mean I was mad. Like, mad!” “So when a man calls you fat, there are no rules, he’d better take cover?” says Chenbot. Zing! Hit a little close to home there, did it?
BITTER CHENBOT IZ BITTER!
Smoothly moving on, the bot turns to Kevin and asks if he’s surprised that Jeff used the veto on him. “I would like to think that Jeff did that because he had a secret crush on me. I’m happily married, but…” HAHAHA.
Next topic is the kiss that Jordan denied Jeff after the veto competition. Chenbot asks Jeff if he gets rejected like this outside the house. “Well, I try to slip it in when I get the chance.” I’m just gonna let that one stand as is, I don’t think I could improve on it. After a lame question to Michele about how she enjoyed the churros and chitlins, Chenbot says that the Have/Have Not competitions are over, but there will be some more surprises on the way. I guess they ran out of random food items to throw together. Anyway. Let’s get to a break.
Ever wonder how they pick random audience members to zoom in on? Cuz it sure ain’t looks.
Time for the private HOH Chenterview. Why did Jeff put up Russell now? Jeff says there was “talk around the house” that Russell and Michele were coming after him but that it was a good opportunity to get rid of a strong opponent, and he took it.
It’s not easy making these guys look like geniuses, but you pulled it off.
She also asks if he thinks he can trust Ratakev (stupid question) and about the bickering with Jordan (boring question). Let’s move on to the nominee speeches. In what has to be a first, Ratalie thanks the whole BB production crew and everyone who made it possible for her to be here. Before the Oscar music starts playing, she adds that her fellow Houseguests told her she was safe, so thanks for that. This gets a nice laugh from the audience. Russell follows this up by saying his tantrums were just strategy and he was copying Evel Dick, Boogie, Dr. Will, and “some of the greats from the past”. Well, one out of three ain’t bad, I guess. He says something about not cursing on TV, and I can hear the producers holding their collective breath, but he behaves and it’s on to the voting. I’m not gonna keep y’all in suspense here. Russell gets voted out 3-0. Chenbot does the old switcheroo–”Natalie…. you are safe”–and Russell totally buys the fake. I didn’t think that fooled anyone anymore, thanks to Seacrest. Russell politely says goodbye and gives handshakes all around.
After mic-up, Chenbot asks Russell about his erratic behavior. Russell repeats that he was stealing pages from the Evel Dick playbook. He’s still all calm and affable while saying cringeworthy lines like “Personal attacks are part of the game”. Lydia and Russell kinda worry me with the Jekyll/Hyde act. Isn’t there a name for that? Like borderline personality disorder? Last question for the Rage Muscle: was it smart of Jeff to get you out now? “Absolutely,” says Russell, not a bit tweaked. He even smiles through the farewell videos, with Jeff and Jordan laying into him pretty good (Jordan: “I very strongly dislike you with a passion”) and the others being sort of apologetic. This new charming Russell is getting on my nerves, so let’s say goodbye to him and get to the HOH competition!
Everyone is lined up in lanes on what looks like a shuffleboard court at first glance.
And this looks like a whale tail at first glance, but it’s just a mic strap. Whew.
Julie says they’re going to be making s’mores and they’re standing on a giant graham cracker. Each Houseguest has a giant thermos at one end of their lane and what looks like a big fishbowl at the other. They have to transfer “hot chocolate” from the thermos to the bowl, one cupful at a time, until the “marshmallow” in the bowl floats up high enough to pick up. They’re missing the peanut butter, though. A good s’more has to have peanut butter on it. Chenbot says that if they don’t spill any, they’ll only have to walk about 4 miles. So, another pointless long competition. Endurance ones I get, but these are just annoying. While the Houseguests get to steppin, Chenbot tells us that a “new HOH twist” will begin on Sunday and that it has something to do with a door. Yeah, yeah. Unless Evil Twin Natalie from Season 5 is behind the door, color me unimpressed.
As we leave the Houseguests, it starts to rain chocolate on them. At least the bot says it’s chocolate. It looks like water to me. I can’t even tell if it’s brown.
So what’s the new HOH twist? And who’s going to win this competition? Michele? She’s already slipped once or twice. Kevin? HAHAHA. Jordan?
She hasn’t even gotten her airbags fixed yet.
So my money–and Grodner’s too, no doubt–is on Ratalie to win this one and challenge Jeff next week. Should be interesting even though all the nutters are gone. See you then!
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26 Comments
I’m so tempted to cheat and look at the live feeds to see who won. Michelle is too clutzy, Nat would lose if she were the only one out there (Tae Kwon Do champ, yeah right) and Jordan looked like she was gassed after 2 minutes from carrying those big fun bags back and forth.
I hope it’s Michelle, just because you never know what the hell she’s thinking.
The thesis statement for this episode was: Jeff and Jordan could be played by a tone of bricks and they’d still be clueless.
How could you tell Russell that you wouldn’t take him because he doesn’t have you in mind in the final two? Buddy, your not even at the final 4 yet.
“Like St. Hubbins said, it’s such a fine line between clever and stupid.”
Which could have been the motto for this whole season.
Good-bye, Russell the Rage Muscle. I don’t think all the crazy is out of the house though; I’m thinking Jeff will lose it when they take out his little lapdog. No one can risk taking Jordan to the final two.
I don’t like any of these people. Thanks, BB.
Russell’s intimidation strategy didn’t work on J/J because Chima exposed him as a fraud when she nominated him two weeks ago. Remember, his intimidation worked on Ronnie, but when he was in her face, she got back into his face and gave as good as he got. Russell was a sheep in wolf’s clothing and went out with a whimper.
I think, after that, Russell should have changed his strategy to something a little more subtle and dumped Michelle as an ally. Michelle has been the weak link in all the alliances that tried to include her. In this case, it was Michelle’s fault when she couldn’t give J/J a straight answer regarding keeping a final four deal that their distrust of Russell deepened and basically sealed his fate within the house.
I’m not a fan of anyone left either, but a final two with Kevin and Jordan would be the most interesting outcome for me, because they basically cancel each other out as entities within the game.
I’m also looking forward to the face-morphing challenge…. someone always screws that one up badly and I’m thinking this season it’ll be Michelle since she sucks under pressure.
Good stuff copyhacker, although I seem to recall it has been a couple seasons since the evicted houseguest was toting a VHS to the jury house.
Lydia is so banging the shit out of Jessie all week.
Is it me or is Michelle starting to look super buff all of a sudden? All of a sudden, she’s bearing her midriff and her belly is completely gone. Look for the churros and chitlins diet plan at a store near you. Meanwhile, Jordan who was supposedly the beauty of the house has aged about 15 years in 7 weeks, and her and Natalie could have a contest as to who’s ass has gotten bigger.
Why is it guys always seem to either maintain or improve their physiques in the house while the women all pack on major poundage (Jun, Allison, Janelle, for examples). Even Daniele Donato managed to go from emaciated to merely really skinny.
I believe Jessie’s pants are the ones from Flipit’s brain.
LOL JasonR:
@her and Natalie could have a contest as to who’s ass has gotten bigger.
Bwhahahaha!
BTW Michelle has lost 16 lbs. I’m sure due to her slop diet. I bet new HOH power sux. Thanks for recapping Copy. The worst thing to come out of season 11 will be the spawn of Jess/Lyd which will probably be tattooed in utero and the first new born to slap it’s own mother and father at birth.
Re: the Chenbot’s hammering home of the ‘fat’ comment:
I’m guessing that Mr. Chenbot answered the question wrong (i.e., do you think I’m fat?) the other night and the Chenbot’s just letting him know where things stand.
Hey, I’ve been married for 16 years and suffered through two pregnancies, I got experience.
Michelle is definitely fast aproaching hotness territory. She needs to wash her hair and maybe put on a bit of makeup though. If she was as smart as she was supposed to be, she’d start working it right now.
I’m just hoping that she’s finally wake up…the girl’s a goddamn zombie.
Jordan’s stopped being cute a few pounds ago. No wonder she’s been bickering with Jeff. She can sense his own growing disgust. Which is worse to do on national TV: kissing or turning into a blimp?
I’ll check out the live feeds thread later, but in the meantime, I’ll give the win to Michelle — she’s the only one who’s been working out, she’s in the best shape for this one.
Also, Russell’s an idiot, he has no game whatsoever, which is a real shame. And now I’m thinking that Jeff planned to get him out all along, regardless of the two hamsters.
I’m going to look stupid for asking this, but when has that ever stopped me? What does YUMMEEVEE mean?
love, J-Mo
J-Mo,
YMMV = “Your Mileage May Vary”, i.e. a shorthand of saying you may disagree.
Don’t feel bad, I had to look it up
Isn’t it funny how Jordan’s heavy southern twang and borderline retardation were kind of adorable when she was hot, and now, not so much (for Jeff and us at home)? A lesson to those who only have their looks going for them.
Can someone tell me why Jordan having a fat ass all of the sudden makes her suck so bad? Her stupidity was cute when she had a smaller ass? WTF???
Holy Cow! This epi irritated me for some reason (J/J)?? Probably.. Can’t stand Jeff and Jordan now when last week liked them. True.. she is getting more stupid and she has crooked boobies – so there!
What’s “You Gat Gat”? for crying out loud? That bugged me.. I know Russell messed up big time, but we don’t want J/J nor Rat to win, right! This season sucks.
JasonR, thanks for clearing that one up!
I don’t think Jordan sucks for gaining weight, for me she’s moved into annoying territory when she suddenly started getting all big-headed and agressive because she’s under Jeff’s protection. She didn’t “win” her HOH turn, Jeff threw a game in order for her to get it, she’d most likely not have won it on her own. She hasn’t demonstrated any desire to actually play the game, she’s just latched on to Jeff, and I think that’s part of the reason he’s gotten pissy with her, she’s just coasting and expecting him to do everything while she sits and smiles prettily and massages her implants and cockteases him.
I’m not so sure I agree with the idea that Chima really “bested” Russell in their arguments, either… I somehow feel like if there weren’t cameras around that she would not have been so quick to jump up in his face on her own when he was enraged… same goes for Jordan.
I somehow doubt Jeff gets a jury vote to win, but it’ll be interesting to see what happens.
love, J-Mo
@tommy girl: As far as I can tell he was really saying “You got got”. As in “I got you good.” Flipit does Jeff’s accent better than me though.
@J-Mo: YMMV will henceforth be pronounced YUMMEEVEE in your honor.
I agree that Jeff’s become pissed because he’s had to drag Jordan this far in the game, all while having to be the bad cop to her sweet, innocent, ever increasingly large-assed cop. I don’t think he’s angry about not getting any from her because I imagine Jeff can land a Jordan-esque chick without much effort, hence Chenbot’s “not used to getting shot down?” remark to him. Sounds like Julie woundn’t mind making a tent up in the HOH room with Jeffy.
I guess it’s part of the game, but I’ve always thought the “let the bitter, angry losers decide the winner” ending to the game a bit silly. There are a few that can respect the gameplay , like Jessie did when talking about Jeff last night, but mostly it’s just a bunch of Lydias and Chelsias (a cunty blast from the past) ranting at whoever got them booted.
I don’t think Jordan’s retarded. I just think she’s the product of “bad schoolin.”
I missed last nights episode because I had to work. (I need to hire more college boys!)
Don’t like
KEVIN
NATALIE
JEFF (would still “do it” with him though).
Indifferent to:
JORDAN
Kinda like but not wholeheartedly (not like the way I liked Russell and the Big Pussy Ronnie):
MICHELLE
I think Jeff liked Jordan in the beginning because he thought she was cute and helpless, a good way to pass the time…why now would he expect her to have insight, intelligence and be a competitor? He created then nurtured her dependence on him…and now he knows that against her in final 2, he would lose to her. His bad.
Oh, and I was laughing my ass of when Russel was yelling about how Jeff would “put them all up, you just wait, you’ll see, you’ll allllll seeeeeeeee” Isn’t that how you get to a final TWO??? It always gets this way in the end…as if keeping a big a-hole like Russel would make everyone a winner!
@ Itchy…. I agree that the Chima/Russell blow-up ended with no victors, I was trying to make the point that had she not stood up to Russell, his strategy of intimidation may have gotten him further into the game. Since she was able to stand up to him and hold her ground and even wound him with the “terrorist” comments, I doubt anyone could take him seriously when he tried to intimidate J/J. I wish Russell would have thought his strategy through a little more; instead of dogging out J/J, convince them that taking Michelle out was a smarter idea (she has won multiple vetoes and HOH in the past) and no one can actually tell where her loyalties actually lie.
@ Mr. Dangerous… The reason I don’t like Michelle is that she has played this game to be a number and every time she’s had an opportunity to flip the alliances (starting the woman’s alliance with Chima, Rat, and Lydia), she has backed down and whined. She has never made any power moves and when confronted about her gameplay, she falls apart rather than take responsibility. I am tired of her whining nature and she is fast becoming the most annoying HG this season. (Trust me, I remember Ronnie & Vanilla Ice’s dad).
Whereas, in my estimation, Kevin is the sleeper. To me, he is the only person that is universally liked and hasn’t burned any bridges with jury members or those left in the house.
Uh, Kevin and Natalie say they’ll be true to Jeff and then they go into another room, laugh and say they’re going to stab him in the back the first chance they get.
I don’t like people like that. I’ve dated people like that.
My mother likes Kevin though. She said she liked the little gay, Mexican guy. I didn’t have the heart to tell her he wasn’t a beaner he was blackasian.
Hey, Slutty, nope that wasn’t me on that one…
Although I didn’t think Russel’s strategy (if you want to call it that) was to frighten people into thinking he’d go further, since obviously he’d get himself expelled if he did.
It was more to destabilize them (emotionally, psychologically, exasperatedly, whatever). So whether Chima yelled back or not wasn’t the point — it was the effect it had.
He managed to force Ronnie to exile himself for a few days (whereupon he was voted out).
And he managed to push Chima over the edge to the point where she got herself expelled.
But in the end, he only managed to get the rest of them annoyed, which made it easier to kick him out. He really should have played this last week a lot differently. But I don’t think he had a clue how.
As for Jordan. Well, sorry, but her whole raison d’etre here has been to be a cute, loveable airheaded blonde. Which only works when she’s actually cute, not when’s she’s increasingly heavy, sloppy, nasty and tired-looking.
Jordan has always been irritating. Then again, I didn’t like Jessica Simpson’s TV show, either and Jordan is a less buff Jessica. I don’t think she’s fat, but she’s very sensitive about her weight and looks and voices things about it often. Made her an easier target for Russell to go after.
Jeff seems like he might be a control freak in RL. His edit on the show was kind this week.
itchy: “Although I didn’t think Russel’s strategy … was more to destabilize them …”
IAWT. Maybe it’s the martial arts thing: look for the flaw in your opponent and exploit it. ‘Course fights tend to be over quickly and this game takes forever, more time for resentment to build up and flow over. Also, he’s got major rage issues; Chima insulted him numerous times re: his religion and ethnicity and it made him completely lose the plot. His sense of “honor” is seriously ratcheted up (and one-sided), which is funny to see in a game like this. I still am sad to see him gone.
Didn’t Russell cross himself the other day? Which suggests he’s a christian (there’s a big christian population in Lebanon), not muslim. Which is why he appeared to shrug off the ‘terrorist’ comment (or used it to serve his purposes.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He’s out of the house, he no longer exists ;-D
@ Mr. Dangerous… well, I kind of hate Jeff, so I feel he deserves what he gets since he made such a colossal mistake with evicting Russell.
It seemed obvious to me that Jeff should keep Russell around, especially if he keeps blowing up on people and making everyone dislike him.
So…why wasn’t it obvious to Jeff?? Dumbass.
I’m on Team Kevin now.