Previously on Big Brother: I saw this screencap coming a mile away.
That’s what she said.
Also, Russell promised to go all Chima on eviction night. We can only hope. Chenbot, looking resplendent in a beige… tablecloth, I guess, says that “the game has turned into a living chess match”. I think BB is more like poker, but YMMV.
When we go to color, Jeff says he has the chance to take out his strongest competitor, and he’s taking it. Russell says “they picked the wrong guy”. Judging by the crazy eyes, I’d say they picked the right one, brah. Kevin goes to thank Jordan and Ratalie, who, perhaps not coincidentally, are dressed like Twinkies. You guys, they are total besties now! Aunt Flow even came to see them both at the same time this week!
And brought Ratalie this awesome t-shirt.
Ratalie says in the Diary Room that she and Kevin are going after Jeff next week. But first, they’re going into the storage room to do a Chill Town Happy Dance. Does anybody have an original idea on this show anymore? Meanwhile, Russell is in the Shallow End (thanks Flipit for another awesome nickname) pouting. Michele comes to see him wearing her best Back Door Nooky skirt, telling us how helpless and vulnerable she feels and how she needs a big, strong, hurting man so they can ease each other’s pain together. Russell apparently decides not to take her up on it, because next we see him outside pouting some more.
I threw myself at him. And missed.
Jeff, inside, tells everyone it’s time to face the music, by which he means it’s time to stir the pot. He asks Russell if he wants to talk, and Russell obviously doesn’t, but Jeff keeps after him. “You gotta know it was a smart move on my play. You don’t think so?” Jeff accuses Russell of breaking up their Final Four deal by having a Final Two deal with Michele. This only makes sense under Jeff’s Laws of Mathematics, and Russell correctly points out that Final Two deals have no bearing whatsoever on Final Four deals. Not one to quit while he’s ahead, Russell follows this up with a threat that Jeff better not show his face around the jury house. Which only makes sense if Russell wants Jeff to win, but who’s counting? Jeff responds to the threat with another threat, and just like that this thing has escalated to about a 6.5 on the Donato Scale. If Russell smoked he could totally burn Jordan right now. Speaking of Jordan, Ratalie goes squealing to her that the boys are going at it outside. Jordan runs out and starts defending Jeff, which causes Russell to ask who’s wearing the pants.
And by “pants”, I mean “chastity belt”.
Didn’t we see Russell try this on Ratalie and Jessie just a couple of weeks ago? Russell’s bag of tricks seems to be kind of limited:
3) Pick on a girl (or Ronnie, but I repeat myself)
“You’re just mad cuz you gat gat!” Jeff says. Gat? Gat means Gun, right?
But apparently in Chicagoland it means Beaten In A Battle Of Wits By An Unarmed Man.
He repeats these words of wisdom about two dozen times just so they sink in. You Gat Gat. I may wake up screaming that in the middle of the night. Assuming I get any sleep. On that note, Round 1 comes to a close. It looks like an even match so far, but don’t worry, there’s more to come.
As entertainment between rounds, Russell thinks he has Michele’s vote and only needs one more to stay, so he goes after Kevin at the pool table. Hs angle with Kevin is that he should stay because everyone wants to go to the final two with a villain.
An eeeevil villain?
It’s not a bad idea but there’s no way Kevin is deserting Jeff. Besides, 1) Russell is laying it on way too thick and 2) Kevin has to know that he doesn’t need a villain, he’d win against anyone that’s left. I’m thinking there’s a Marcellas-style exit in Kevin’s near future, though. Enough jibberjabber, it’s time for…
Russell tells the DR that it’s time “to make the house see how big a threat Jeff is”. So he goes to yell some more in Jeff and Jordan’s general direction. Jeff is doing a good job of not getting ruffled. Not so much for his sidekick. Unfortunately, she forgot to read the safety label that came with her, um, airbags.
Any airbag that has deployed must be replaced. Do not try to remove or replace any airbag by yourself. This must be done by a dealer or knowledgeable body shop.
Russell is really intimidated by being chest-bumped–or squished, anyway–so he drops the F-bomb on Jordan. “Sitting there eating cookie dough wondering why you’re fat.” Fat insults are too mature, though, so he tries barking like a dog. When that doesn’t work, he goes and does some bench presses to help think of snappy comebacks. Jeff, rather than getting mad, is starting to look at Russell like the nice people in white coats do right before they lock you in the padded room. “Take 5 minutes, think of a good one, and I’ll be sitting here,” he says trying not to laugh. Russell mentions the Technotronics incident. “You can’t use Technotronics again, bro, cuz you’ve said it 800 times.” So Russell calls Jordan a fatty. Jeff: “This is what you come up with after two days? That’s terrible.” Now everyone is laughing. Russell saves the best for last: he turns on everyone else and tells them they’re too stupid to see that Jeff is playing them all. What was that plan of yours again? Well played, sir. Well played.
Kevin must have told Ratalie that Russell approached him, because she tells him “If you keep Russell here, I’ll stab you in the heart.” LOL. Jeff finally starts to get a bit worked up, but wisely heads inside instead of giving Russell the satisfaction. Russell stomps around the yard calling everyone a bunch of sheep and basically being ignored… and that’s it for Round 2!
And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, off we go to the jury house! Woohoo! It’s a gorilla! It’s a jerkopotamus! It’s…
The Return Of Pepto Man!
Jessie is back in top form and putting America on notice that he’s “ridiculously tanned and jacked”. That’ll make Russell’s day tomorrow when he hears that the steroids flow freely in the jury house. But back to Jessie. Since he didn’t have the opportunity to watch farewell videos on eviction night, the producers have thoughtfully provided him a DVD to watch. Yes, I said a DVD! Big Brother has finally made the jump from VHS. Welcome to the year 2000! I promise your computers won’t go haywire, the Y2K thing was totally a letdown. Anyhoo, Jessie is totally ridiculously jacked to watch the video.
Cuz Pepto Man’s about to get a sidekick.
He’s eating a large bowl of something disgusting-looking, totally oblivious that the camera watching him eat means something’s about to go down. Lydiot sneaks up behind him, and you can tell she’s in the mood to kick some ass because she’s changed from a pink unitard to a black one. She tries to act mad for about three seconds, then a fight breaks out. And by “fight”, I mean “foreplay”. Seriously this scene would not be out of place on an overnight-date episode of The Bachelor.
Or a low-rent porno, but I repeat myself again.
Once they get their paws off each other, Lydiot shows Jessie the video of Chima’s meltdown and exit. I was hoping they’d show Lydiot’s drunken rampage again, but no such luck. Jessie is impressed enough with Jeff’s gameplay that he thinks about voting for him to win. Slow down there, boss. You still have to make it through the next week without being killed in post-coital sleep or having your ankles smashed with a sledgehammer. Luckily Lydiot is happy at the moment, because she has him all to herself. “I’d be happy too if I were you,” says Jessie. Yep, top form. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Jessie is great at making a caricature of himself. Like St. Hubbins said, it’s such a fine line between clever and stupid.
Which reminds me: back to the Houseguests!
The Chenbot’s first question is for Russell: hasn’t it been a weird couple of days? Russell is back in Dr. Jekyll mode and says that all the rage is “entertaining” and “fun” and “personal attacks are part of the game”. Next she asks Jordan the same question. Jordan says it’s been a stressful time and she’s not usually not such an angry person, but the game has brought it out of her. “I mean I was mad. Like, mad!” “So when a man calls you fat, there are no rules, he’d better take cover?” says Chenbot. Zing! Hit a little close to home there, did it?
BITTER CHENBOT IZ BITTER!
Smoothly moving on, the bot turns to Kevin and asks if he’s surprised that Jeff used the veto on him. “I would like to think that Jeff did that because he had a secret crush on me. I’m happily married, but…” HAHAHA.
Next topic is the kiss that Jordan denied Jeff after the veto competition. Chenbot asks Jeff if he gets rejected like this outside the house. “Well, I try to slip it in when I get the chance.” I’m just gonna let that one stand as is, I don’t think I could improve on it. After a lame question to Michele about how she enjoyed the churros and chitlins, Chenbot says that the Have/Have Not competitions are over, but there will be some more surprises on the way. I guess they ran out of random food items to throw together. Anyway. Let’s get to a break.
Ever wonder how they pick random audience members to zoom in on? Cuz it sure ain’t looks.
Time for the private HOH Chenterview. Why did Jeff put up Russell now? Jeff says there was “talk around the house” that Russell and Michele were coming after him but that it was a good opportunity to get rid of a strong opponent, and he took it.
It’s not easy making these guys look like geniuses, but you pulled it off.
She also asks if he thinks he can trust Ratakev (stupid question) and about the bickering with Jordan (boring question). Let’s move on to the nominee speeches. In what has to be a first, Ratalie thanks the whole BB production crew and everyone who made it possible for her to be here. Before the Oscar music starts playing, she adds that her fellow Houseguests told her she was safe, so thanks for that. This gets a nice laugh from the audience. Russell follows this up by saying his tantrums were just strategy and he was copying Evel Dick, Boogie, Dr. Will, and “some of the greats from the past”. Well, one out of three ain’t bad, I guess. He says something about not cursing on TV, and I can hear the producers holding their collective breath, but he behaves and it’s on to the voting. I’m not gonna keep y’all in suspense here. Russell gets voted out 3-0. Chenbot does the old switcheroo–”Natalie…. you are safe”–and Russell totally buys the fake. I didn’t think that fooled anyone anymore, thanks to Seacrest. Russell politely says goodbye and gives handshakes all around.
After mic-up, Chenbot asks Russell about his erratic behavior. Russell repeats that he was stealing pages from the Evel Dick playbook. He’s still all calm and affable while saying cringeworthy lines like “Personal attacks are part of the game”. Lydia and Russell kinda worry me with the Jekyll/Hyde act. Isn’t there a name for that? Like borderline personality disorder? Last question for the Rage Muscle: was it smart of Jeff to get you out now? “Absolutely,” says Russell, not a bit tweaked. He even smiles through the farewell videos, with Jeff and Jordan laying into him pretty good (Jordan: “I very strongly dislike you with a passion”) and the others being sort of apologetic. This new charming Russell is getting on my nerves, so let’s say goodbye to him and get to the HOH competition!
Everyone is lined up in lanes on what looks like a shuffleboard court at first glance.
And this looks like a whale tail at first glance, but it’s just a mic strap. Whew.
Julie says they’re going to be making s’mores and they’re standing on a giant graham cracker. Each Houseguest has a giant thermos at one end of their lane and what looks like a big fishbowl at the other. They have to transfer “hot chocolate” from the thermos to the bowl, one cupful at a time, until the “marshmallow” in the bowl floats up high enough to pick up. They’re missing the peanut butter, though. A good s’more has to have peanut butter on it. Chenbot says that if they don’t spill any, they’ll only have to walk about 4 miles. So, another pointless long competition. Endurance ones I get, but these are just annoying. While the Houseguests get to steppin, Chenbot tells us that a “new HOH twist” will begin on Sunday and that it has something to do with a door. Yeah, yeah. Unless Evil Twin Natalie from Season 5 is behind the door, color me unimpressed.
As we leave the Houseguests, it starts to rain chocolate on them. At least the bot says it’s chocolate. It looks like water to me. I can’t even tell if it’s brown.
So what’s the new HOH twist? And who’s going to win this competition? Michele? She’s already slipped once or twice. Kevin? HAHAHA. Jordan?
She hasn’t even gotten her airbags fixed yet.
So my money–and Grodner’s too, no doubt–is on Ratalie to win this one and challenge Jeff next week. Should be interesting even though all the nutters are gone. See you then!