So tonight was the big eviction episode of Big Brother, and while the results may not have been shocking, the Head of Household competition has still moved me to ask one of the more clichéd questions out there. To all you newbies watching Big Brother, are you not entertained???
Please make note that that is the first time I have ever quoted Gladiator. You must realize that it takes something very special for me to join the masses who think they’re oh so clever by rehashing this dumb Russell Crowe line. Don’t fear, though. I have no intention of going all Braveheart on you too, unless Julie Chen does something really amazing this season. She is on pace to have the most flub-tastic summer yet.
Anyhow, let’s take a stroll down recent-memory lane and relive all those fun moments from tonight’s telecast.The episode began in a glimmering way as Julie Chen greeted us in a metallic, sparkly dress oddly reminiscent of my junior prom’s Mylar decorations. With glitter twinkling on her shoulders and a giant smile plastered on her face, the Chenbot seemed ready to attack tonight’s show with a festive elegance not usually seen outside of figure skating. In fact, I’d wager to say that if Kristi Yamaguchi and an Oscar statuette had a lovechild, it would be Julie Chen.
Anyway, after the past two weeks saw the Chenbot teetering down the perilous staircase of the Big Brother house, the producers wisely moved their hostess to lower ground tonight. Julie was instead stationed just outside her little studio door, and thankfully only had a few paces to walk before she lowered herself onto her Couch Of Awkward Badinage. Ah, but even the simplest routines can be exciting as the Chenbot nearly flashed her hootchie to the entire country. Yes, a poorly placed seam and a scandalously short skirt nearly gave way to a Basic Instinct moment as Julie sat down and crossed her legs. Sadly, no X-rated body parts flashed on screen. Instead, all we could see was a tantalizing darkness that was both mysterious and disturbing.
The Anti-Camel Toe
Seconds later, Julie Chen provided her next awkward moment simply by glancing at the flat screen TV behind her left shoulder. Honestly, if I simply say, “Julie Chen looked at the TV screen to her left,” it doesn’t sound terribly strange or bizarre. And such is the beauty of the Chenbot. Words cannot describe how robotic she is, but seeing her head swivel around with mechanical precision is a sight of pure wonder. Okay, okay, I’m just babbling now. I’ll get on with it.
Julie Chen’s helmet (Chelmet?) grows larger by the day.
After Julie’s first “But First!” of the evening, we then watched the houseguests in the wake of Saturday’s dustup. Michael and Eric, the two principals of the conflict, sat outside at the table and made peace. “I apologize…if you felt I was aggressive in a sense,” said Eric. In a sense??? You CHARGED him like a bull! Well, actually, he looked more like a really angry turtle, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, the two agreed that they were “cool,” and so came the pitiful attempts by CBS to have us believe that Michael would not be going home tonight. Suddenly, Eric was in his HOH room saying that Michael’s not as bad as he thought. Then we saw Queen Buzzard April as she noted, “I can easily vote Janelle off this week.” Hey, grandma, didn’t you just tell Janelle that you had her back? Or was that simply an expression from 1947 meaning “I hate you”?
Anyway, sensing that she might have to secure her position a little bit, Janelle worked her charm on Howie by inviting him into bed and picking his brain. He didn’t feel like she was in any trouble because “The Surfboard People” would all look out for each other. Surfboard people? Oh — those were the seven people who stuck it out on the surfboard that first night. Hmmm…so is “The Surfboard People” going to be this year’s self-titled alliance? Sigh. Hey, at least it’s better than “Santa Monica Van Boys.”
Okay, back to Julie. With the houseguests eagerly awaiting the voting results, the Chenbot conducted her weekly questioning of the assembled cast members. She asked Kaysar how the house was in the wake of Fight Night, and he replied, “I think we’ve grown up a bit.” Listen, it’s not like you all just had a near death experience. And I refuse to believe anything stemming from Eric’s ‘roid rage could ever lead to a coming-of-age personal growth. Nevertheless, Julie asked the same question to Ivette who said that she was now trying to keep her big mouth shut. However, Ivette stumbled through her answer, eventually ending with, “I’m speechless. You got nothing to say sometimes.” To which Julie Chen said, “Oh, I know about that!!” We then sat through ten seconds of silence as everyone looked awkwardly at each other and then at Julie.
All right, that didn’t happen (again), but we did get another “But First!” and then got to see some of the house guests talking about the pros and cons of both nominees. Sarah babbled about something, and I was very happy to see that she was in her third term of pregnancy. You go girl! Would this be the first reality star baby to be born on a show? James, meanwhile, told us that Janelle “has no self-respect.” This coming from a guy who willingly appears on Big Brother, a show where millions of people can watch you masturbate on the Internet. Speaking of wacking off, Howie showed up next to comment, “I love Janelle. She’s a good friend of mine and hopefully a future hookup of mine.” Riiiight. Good luck with that buddy. I’m sure she’ll eventually warm up to your Drew Carey humor and oversized tank tops. You know, assuming she goes blind and deaf in the next few hours.
When we came back from commercial break, the Chenbot had Eric all sequestered in his Head of Household room and actually managed to ask him some pointed questions. First: what did Michael allegedly say about his family? Keep in mind that what we the viewers saw on Tuesday’s episode was Michael saying that he wanted to piss Eric off by asking how his grandparents died. Okay, so what Eric actually heard: “Somebody had brought back some comments that he had made about my family and about my father and mother to the effect that I must have been abandoned as a kid in Boston — That’s why I came to Vegas.” Now maybe Michael did say that, but for now, I just have to say that’s a damn good game of Telephone they’ve got going on! Honestly, Eric must be a total idiot. If he actually put time into thinking about the content of the alleged insult, he’d see it makes no sense. He was abandoned and therefore had to go to Vegas? WTF? Why wasn’t his first reaction, “Oh, she must have heard that wrong.” That would be like someone telling me, “Oh, J-Unit said your spatula is ugly and that’s why Juliette Binoche didn’t want to go on safari with you.” NO ONE SAYS THAT ABOUT MY SPATULA!
Anyway, Eric droned on and on, and I feared that I might instantly fall asleep and miss the rest of the show. Luckily, Julie followed up with another good question (whoever programmed her for this segment did a fine job). She asked how exactly did Michael break his trust. Eric explained that Michael had been spending too much time around Janelle (although, wasn’t the original beef that he was spending too much time with Jennifer?). Since he considered the VIP waitress a threat from day one, Eric therefore viewed Michael and Janelle’s “talking” and “smiling” and “breathing the same air” as a violation of trust. Clearly! Hey dumbass, why not use their relationship to your advantage? You know, get some reconnaissance on your enemy? Oh, that’s right. That would be “logical” not “dumb.”
After Julie was done questioning the stumpy firefighter, we then saw some silly footage of Michael and Janelle’s burgeoning romance. That’s right. Perhaps forced into each other’s arms out of necessity, the two had suddenly become an item over the past few days. And who can blame Janelle? Michael’s a real charmer. A sample line: “That perfume you wear is intoxicating.” Ooooh. I can already hear the Barry White playing in the background. Lay another one on her, brother man. “I want to reach over right now and kiss you.” Oh yeah. It’s gettin’ hot in here! Hey Janelle, did you use Windex on your fly? Because Michael can really see himself in your pants!
Amazingly, these lines seemed to have worked. Either that or Janelle had succumbed to her boredom and decided to get a little hanky panky while she could. The best part of all this though was her casual dismissal of her boyfriend. Apparently she had been seeing a guy in Manhattan prior to the show, but, well, he’s not a reality star now, is he? “It’s incredibly uncomfortable for me to break up with someone on a television show,” said Janelle, but she proceeded anyway. “I’m sorry, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again.” HA! Awesome! Some guy just got rejected by a hottie in front of millions of people. I particularly loved Janelle’s unsentimental, business-as-usual demeanor. She has much to teach her reality star brethren.
Asked why she liked Michael though, Janelle answered very simply: “He’s kind of a snob.” And people wonder why Michael and Janelle are my favorites. Snobbery is always a good thing on Big Brother. Anyway, super sleuth Maggie had sniffed out this secret love affair, and she noted that the two always seemed to be going off behind closed doors to make out. Later, we saw footage of the couple kissing in the backyard. Yes, and what a closed door romance it was! “They seem very comfortable together,” Maggie noted, adding, “Much like me and donuts.”
Actually, Maggie was right. Michael and Janelle were very comfortable around each other, which is too bad because maybe Michael would have otherwise felt some shame in attempting to recreate the upside down Spider-Man kiss on Janelle. The only problem: he was kind of at an odd angle on account of him NOT hanging upside down. I guess you could say it was less Spider-Man and more Murderball. Sorry, I just like saying Murderball. …….. MURDERBALL!!!
Julie Chen finally returned to our screens, chirped “But First!” and then introduced us to the next set of voting houseguests. AARP poster child April was up first and immediately dissed Janelle: “When a guy says hi, she says, ‘Hiiii’.” DAMN THOSE SALUTATIONS! A pox on anyone who employs them!
Jennifer, meanwhile, had the most interesting voting rationale: “I’m not a lesbian or anything, but a good reason to keep Janelle around is that she’s pretty to look at.” Whatever, LESBIAN! Ah, I’m just kidding. But I did enjoy Jennifer’s hasty disclaimer about her sexual orientation. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. We then cut to Jennifer strumming a guitar and singing, “I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains…”
(Picture me blowing into my hand bugle) Burr Burrr Burrrrrr!
Big Brother 5 update time! Yay!
After the commercial break, the Chenbot greeted us with the happy excitement of a mother letting her kids open up their Christmas presents. And for good reason. It was time for us to catch up with the most memorable duos from last season. Julie marked the occasion with a celebratory slurring as she introduced “The outrageoush Jase and Holly.” Wonderful.
Anyway, it took about .135 seconds of Holly for us to remember just how awful she was. After waving her dumb pooch’s paw at us, Holly explained that she dated Jase for about ten months, but “I couldn’t handle country music anymore.” That’s funny. I heard he couldn’t stand THE CONSTANT SOUND OF YOUR VOICE! Jase, meanwhile, was back in Ohio looking as toolish as ever. His hair had turned brown, but it was still sky-high and stupid looking, which gave me some comfort. The aspiring actor said he had to return home because at heart, he was just a country boy. Well, that’s a nifty little rationalization for your failed acting career. Jase continued: “LA is a tough town.” Yeah, especially if you have NO TALENT (or sleeves).
Sweet tat! I’m sure you’ll never regret it, what with it being so artistically done and all…
Next up were siblings Nakomis and Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy). These two ended on rocky terms last season, but hey, they’re family! Can’t wait to see how they’ve filled in the gaps in each other’s lives! “Everyone wants to know, ‘Do you keep in contact with your sister,’ and this is like the first time we’ve been together since the show,” said Michael. We then cut to Nakomis looking at Michael’s wedding photos and saying, “So Scott and Drew went to the wedding?” OUCH! No invite for lil’ sis? That’s gonna be one awkward Thanksgiving (assuming Nakomis is invited). Just thinking about it is too nervousing for me!
Speaking of bitterness, we then caught up with Diane and Drew, last season’s power couple whose demise came at the hand of one million dollars. In his patently slowwwww voice, Drew said, “After the show–” you bought cheesy items for your apartment like a sign that says “BELIEVE“? Actually, no, he didn’t say that. Instead, he revealed that he had moved to Los Angeles to become…wait for it…wait for it…an actor! Who would have thunk it? The good news is that Drew does have an acting coach, and he even had a bit part on The Bold and the Beautiful a few months ago (Drew did, not the acting coach). And here’s a little bit of useless trivia. I ran into BB5′s Scott a few weeks ago, and he revealed that Drew and his brother Ben live just blocks away from the TVgasm offices. Perhaps a joint TVgasm/reality star viewing of Big Brother is in order? We’ll keep you updated…
Finally, the last couple of this segment were the super twins themselves, Adria and Natalie. Lifting weights at the gym, the gals said that life after the show has been grand. They revamped their website (pop the champagne! It’s the high life now!!!) and “we took off with our book!” Well, it wasn’t so much a book as it was a ten-page pamphlet.
“Hey Lorlene! I gots you a twin-ological book for your exercise and such.”
By the way, what happens if I don’t have a twin to work out with? Should I find a “Single-Birth-ological” book instead?
Anyway, the twins offered up some generic advice to the teams still in the house (oddly enough, they didn’t even mention bible-thumping), and then we later returned to Jase who complained, “When I was in the house, who did I have? NO ONE!” Well, except for the Four Horsemen. And Holly. And Marvin. But yeah, basically no one. It’s good to see that Jase still marinates in bitterness — much like Diane who, despite insisting that she’s over Drew evicting her in favor of Cowboy, still seemed mighty p.o.’ed about her third place finish last season. I’ll tell you what I’m bitter about. Diane said she would write some guest commentary for us last year. (Cut to me tapping my fingers on the desk, whistling, checking my watch).
As the updates wrapped up, Adria (or Natalie, who knows really?) gave one piece of sage advice to the remaining houseguests (not that they could hear them): “Don’t get discovered!” So, um, Maggie and Eric, maybe you should stop both wearing LAS VEGAS RESCUE-WEAR!
Anyway, the moment of truth finally arrived. Time for the live eviction. Janelle and Michael said their bland goodbye speeches, and as they droned on, I couldn’t help but notice poor Sarah stuck on side-table duty. Somebody get her a chair! She’s preggers! I also noticed Howie’s arm draped around Beau. Summer of Secrets. Summer of Secrets…
Well, it should come as no surprise that Michael was kicked out of the house. As he hugged everyone goodbye, Howie said, “Tell Julie I say hi.” I have a better idea. Why don’t you guys all vote Howie out so he can tell her himself? Anyway, Michael emerged from the household (somehow injuring his hand in the process), and as he stepped out the front door, we were lucky to have a dramatic shot of the Chenbot eagerly awaiting his arrival. It was like the robot version of Cold Mountain.
Summer of Secrets continues: check out the Chenbot’s power pack and tan lines!
In the wake of Michael’s departure, the houseguests milled about in relief, and Howie even took the chance to give Janelle a little massage. Honestly, she seemed about two beats away from yelling, “Get off. Get off. GET OFF. GET OFF!!!!!” Actually, instead of flipping out, she merely pulled away from Howie’s meteorological paws and declared, “I gotta pee so bad!” Something tells me she’s gonna have to be “peeing” a lot the next few days (unless Howie releases his sexual frustration on Beau again).
Anyway, Michael’s exit interview was completely unmemorable, but I did enjoy the goodbye video recorded by Kaysar. I can’t be totally positive, but I’m pretty sure the producers just pasted it together from stray words in their interviews. Afterwards, Julie then revealed the big twist to Michael about how everyone had a secret partner. With a Willy Wonka-ish glee in her voice, the Chenbot asked, “Are you surprised?” Michael simply shrugged and replied, “No, I knew it. It was obvious.” Wah wah waaaah. Somewhere in the corner, a daisy just wilted.
Now all this stuff had been fun, but the real excitement of this episode came during the Head of Household competition. After all, this always-silly challenge could be the downfall of Eric. Tonight’s big game was the traditional “What do you think everyone else thinks” quiz. Julie would ask a question, and everyone would have to answer what they assumed everyone else would answer. Julie then noted one regulation: “Do not reveal your answer until I say ‘answers please.’” Uh oh. Julie’s going to flip out. It won’t be long before her circuits are shorting, smokes pouring out of her ears, and she’s shouting, “ANSWERS PLEASE! I NEED AN ANSWER!”
Surprisingly, Julie was pretty calm during the competition. The only time she seemed mildly unhinged was when some of the eliminated contestants forgot to reset their color wheels to yellow. RESET TO YELLOW, DAMMIT!
The questions were fairly harmless, and at one point, Julie asked who do people consider more intelligent, James or Eric? Everyone chose James, except of course Ivette — which simply reaffirms that she’s an idiot. For the most part, however, the houseguests seemed amazingly in sync with each other as each question resulted in either a tie or maybe one person getting eliminated. Three hours later, the Chenbot finally moved on to a tiebreaker where she asked how many coconuts were on the trees in the original Head of Household/surfboard challenge. The four contestants (James, Maggie, Janelle, and Kaysar) all scribbled down their answers, but their general sloth finally sent the Chenbot over the edge. “I need everyone’s answers NOW!” she demanded. Just when Julie’s motherboard seemed ready to fizzle out in a short circuit of rage, the houseguests presented their answers, and guess what? Kaysar won! Yes!! This is going to be one interesting week. Such is the beauty of Big Brother. Everything can turn on a dime. Saturday can’t come soon enough…
What did you think about this episode? Did you want Michael or Janelle evicted?