Chenbot Experiences Technical Difficulties

Heading into tonight’s episode of Big Brother, we all pretty much knew what would happen. Adria would bully people around, CBS would try to misdirect us into thinking she’d have a shot at staying in the house, and then the roommates would vote her out unanimously. Yawn. Oh, but this ain’t no Bunim/Murray production. With firecrackers like Adria and Marvin hanging around and malfunctioning robots like Julie Chen ready to wreak havoc, we should have known that tonight’s episode would be full of bizzaro fights, schemes, and facial expressions – mostly on live TV. And honestly, isn’t that what we really want out of life?Where to begin? I suppose we can start with Marvin who won the award for most devious scheme of the week. This crafty guy decided to rot the Drew/Diane alliance from the inside out. No, he didn’t start a rumor that Diane hates American Eagle. Even worse. Marvin made a pass at Diane. Well, not a pass, but a little kiss on the forehead. Of course, this was carefully executed in the presence of Cowboy, who’s about as observant as a toddler with a blindfold on. It didn’t take long for Michael to report back to Drew that Diane kissed Marvin. To the amusement of all viewers, Michael made it sound like the two swapped spit for about twenty minutes by the bathtub – former romantic stomping grounds for Scott and Jase. Note to self: one Michael is the equivalent of twelve kids in the game of Telephone.

Upon hearing of his honey’s cheatin’ ways, Drew promptly cut the ripcord and send Diane packing (mixed metaphors, I know). In a tense showdown which was nicely augmented by Big Brother’s best selection of “DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!!” music, Diane sat speechless as Drew stonefaced dumped her ass. Around this time, we all were praising Marvin for one of the best reality schemes ever – that is until Drew let out his inner Ashton Kutcher and revealed that he had Punk’d Diane. Who would have thought that Drew would pull of such a fantastic bit of misdirection? It sort of put a damper on the Marvin adulations though. Even so, maybe Marvin’s scheme wasn’t that effective off the getgo, but I have faith it may lead to a Drew/Diane meltdown. I just don’t know why Diane’s first response to Drew’s interrogation wasn’t “Dude, me and Marvin?” That should have been enough for Drew to realize that no woman could intervene in Marvin’s ongoing love affair with his stupid cigarette holder.

When Marvin wasn’t honing his inner Iago, he and the rest of the household were diligently avoiding Adria, who had been sweetly dubbed “The Plague”. The only person who couldn’t avoid The Plague was Karen, who managed to get cornered at every instance by Adria. I personally think Karen should run for public office; she managed to come up with some of the most creative ways to be noncommittal. If Adria had asked “Are you going to bed now?”, Karen would have replied “I don’t know. I really can’t think that far ahead. I sort of have to look after myself. But who knows? Maybe I will go to bed.”

At the end of the day, despite Adria’s best attempts to bully Karen to her side, the house guests all voted to kick out the floundering twin. She seemed to take the eviction well, merely saying “let me squeeze out” once Julie read the results. Of course, no one realized she meant “let me squeeze out this piece of emotional shit on you” because that’s pretty much what she did next. Adria let loose a rambling speech that was sort of vengeful, sort of condescending, sort of heartfelt, and almost completely nonsensical. “I’ve always kept my word” she proclaimed. Yeah, Adria always kept her word, except, you know, for all those times when she didn’t keep her word.

When Adria appeared to be finished, Karen swooped in for a “goodbye, now shut up” hug which didn’t seem to work because Adria remembered she had one last zinger left: “Oh and Natalie says ‘That’s coming from both of us’ so that’s two more votes on the jury.” I’m confused. Did Adria have Natalie on the phone or something? “Hey guys, Natalie also says she left her sock somewhere in the house so could the next person voted out bring it to her? It’s her favorite.”

It was clear that Adria was trying to say “Hey, kiss up to me because I’ve got lots of power in the jury house” – although that might have been wiser to do before the live votes. Trusty Marvin was quick to cut through the BS when he said he thought Natalie and Adria were supposed to be two different people. Aw shit! Adria’s carefully rehearsed farewell speech hadn’t anticipated that! The two got into a little spat, which of course was EXCELLENT. Marvin ran circles around the freshly evicted houseguest, and with a black man angry at her (the same black man that Baby Jesus had told her to nominate), Adria did the only logical thing she could do: run! She zoomed out of that front door (slamming it, natch) and bolted across the faux-front lawn so quickly, I swear I heard the Road Runner’s “beep beep” sound.

It was a good thing that Adria finally decided to bust a move because I feared that the prolonged exit would cause the Chenbot’s wiring to overheat. My fears were justified as moments later, Julie conducted an odd interview that had her flashing signs of… well, not personality, but something. Off the bat, Julie asked who Adria would vote for to win the prize, and immediately after asking the question, the Chenbot’s face went from the typical plastic smile to a strange expression of either arousal and sexual desire or supreme relief from some passing gas. It was very quick but bizarrely funny in a way that only Julie can pull off.

Order seemed to be restored moments later when Julie executed a pitch perfect fake laugh. The degree of difficulty was high – at least a 9.9, and her dismount was beautiful. It was clearly a gold medal performance.

I was convinced the Chenbot was back up to speed, but then seconds later, she veered off the teleprompter and made an improvised remark about Adria. This was followed by a series of flubs that surfaced until the end of the program. I can just imagine the Chenbot control room turning into a den of chaos: “We’re losing control! She’s thinking on her own!” Oh, and in my fantasy world of the Chenbot control room, Clint Howard is so the lead technician. Of course, Julie Chen doesn’t really have a team of scientists controlling her in real life; so our only explanation for her behavior was booze – and lots of it.

Anyway, all this Chenbot activity almost overshadowed Adria – who was still talking. During the exit interview, she was complaining that no one had walked in her shoes and understood her struggle. Yes, I almost forgot that most derided of minority groups: twins, or double-births, I should say. How could I forget all those grade school lessons about the great twin marches of the 1960s Civil Rights movement?

Well, Adria will be reuniting with her long lost twin, Natalie, at the jury house soon, which should mean life in the tropics will be getting even more catty than it was already. Tonight we got to see the much anticipated Will/Natalie reunion. It started off with some silly staging. Instead of Will waiting by the door to see who would open it, he stood with his back to a staircase which Natalie descended, ultimately tapping him on the shoulder. I don’t know. I’m sure tapping on the shoulder can be really cool and exciting on PAX, but this is CBS. We want a door!

Anyway, Natalie and Will had a nice, superficial reconciliation. Will said he’d take the high road with Natalie, which meant obnoxiously bashing her to America behind her back. That’s okay though. She got her revenge when she lovingly compared him to Charles Manson. Uh, yeah. That’s a beautiful compliment. Meanwhile, Will kept his stupid karma boomerang saying alive and kicking. Now, it’s a neat catch phrase, but I’ve really had some issues with its logic. I mean, Karma is like a boomerang – what goes around comes around. Will should have really said “If Karma exists, I’ll be seeing you real soon” or “If fate is a boomerang, I’ll be seeing you real soon”. Okay, I’m a dork. I feel like I may have lost my audience. Here, look at this image of Julie Chen and the Karma Boomerang. Now you’re back.

Anyway, on the mainland Drew managed to win his second Head of Household competition, which was all wonderful until Julie dropped the bomb on him that the next eviction would occur in two days. This promptly caused Drew’s brain to explode again as he muttered out a few “But… whoa… wow…” comments before his head flopped backwards into a vegetative state. Chenbot strikes again!

With Drew at the helm, it will be difficult to gauge who he’ll target, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Nakomis or Marvin on the chopping block. The question is whether or not Drew will remain Head of Household after Saturday’s eviction. Who am I kidding? The real question is will the producers be so kind as to devote an hour to the cat fights that are sure to erupt in the jury house? Oh I hope so…