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This has been a very trying season of Big Brother. I really love this show, and quite clearly I love to talk about it, but I have never had so much of an emotional investment in a reality show since – well, I guess since Naima won ANTM a few months ago, but I think you get the idea. The last month has been great, with HOH and nominations swinging back and forth every week. Unfortunately, there has always been that creepy feeling in the back of my head. What would happen if my side didn’t win? We got to bring Kaysar back after his eviction, but since Howie was in charge, things have never been the same. My giddiness at the greatness of this season has been tempered by the slow realization that the numbers are skewed in favor of a Friendship win, a scenario I would guess about 82% of America would find a complete disaster.You know what? When times get tough, it is always great when you can count on somebody. This person has to be comforting, this person has to warm, this person has to be funny, this person has to make you feel like you are the luckiest television viewer in the world. Folks, that person is Julie Chen. I think Julie’s internet stardom has pretty much killed off the camel toe, but the absence of such a sight is not enough to make me change the Chennel, errr, channel. If you stick with Julie she always will come through, and tonight was one of those nights.
As we panned in to Julie welcoming us to Big Brother, our immediate reaction was that Julie had just returned to the set after she and Les won the hand jive competition at the sock hop. I have no idea where in the hell Julie found that dress, but I know that there is one more wardrobe coordinator out of a job. I guess it was supposed to be an evening dress, but does a black taffeta poodle skirt seem elegant to you? And how about those straps on the halter? Was it just me or did it look like two huge caterpillars had crawled up Julie’s neck and were about to engulf her head? Or maybe they were going for that HUGE necklace she was wearing. Did some robin mistake the Chelmet for a nest and lay some eggs all over her chest(yes, I know robin eggs are blue, but maybe it was a magical robin)? I have no clue what was going on here, but at least it got me in a good mood to start things off.
But first! We have to have a little update on what has transpired since Tuesday. It’s no coincidence that the time that Beau has been HOH has been some of the dullest moments in the house all season. And the saddest part is that he isn’t quiet and introverted because he is quietly plotting what is going to happen next. From what I have seen, he is a complete idiot, and the only reason he doesn’t open his mouth more is because he’s not sure what to do when there is no 60-year-old schlong for him to take care of. Let’s play a drinking game next time. Every time Beau finishes a sentence, you take a drink! This game is for everybody, even your friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, because Beau is so incompetent, you never have to worry about even having a sip of alcohol.
With nothing that Beau does worth anything, that usually means that the burden of entertainment falls on Howie, and this is once again the case. This time, we have learn that Howie has, wait for it, wait for it…a white ass! It was a tad more Howie than I wanted to see, but Beau is getting sick of all of the women in the house, so he asks Howie to give a little show. He wants him to streak back and forth across the yard a couple of times. Just when we believed that we might be getting to see all of Hurricane Howie, we learned that perhaps Howie isn’t a man whore anymore. He’s not going to take his pants off for nothing; they have to promise him something. They better be stuffing Jacksons down his g-string, at the very least.
Apparently James must have let the Bible out of his sight for a few minutes, because it was in the backyard and Howie wanted everybody to swear that they were going to vote out Rachel. Beau was up for it, and Ivette saw no problem with it, but Maggie wasn’t going to swear on the Bible. You know, she’s too good to swear on the Bible. Actually Maggie, this would be the perfect time to swear on the Bible because you know that Rachel is going home. Why not swear on the Bible, it proves that you can keep a promise? Maggie didn’t see it that way, and how had his opinion as to why, saying “Big Fat Maggie” was a lying sack of garbage. Now that is a put down! None of this, you are pitch black and stark white stuff Beau tried to pull.
God, I really hate Maggie. When oh when are the CBS producers going to do the “getting fat” montage? Notice that whenever the friendship needs a meeting, it seems to take place in the pantry nowadays? Seeing Maggie and Ivette before and after will make my day. For now, I have to listen to their idiotic comments and logic.
We got out first interview with the houseguests, and lo and behold, Julie turns to the side and I see that the back of her dress is see-through mesh. which only makes me further confused about the dress. If it has a mesh back, why the wooly mammoth halter? Julie asks questions and begins with April, asking her how life in the house is without Jennifer. Well, I am sure it was much like the last 75 years that April has lived without Jennifer, so not that bad. Next we have a boring question to Maggie about the kitchen table. Was it surprising to see? Yes! Oh dear, how interesting.
I was surprised at the next question, because it said that there were some questions from internet readers. CBS gave viewers the ability to submit questions from their website, but didn’t really promote it, most likely because they wanted to save themselves from having to delete all of the “Why do you have such a huge ass Maggie?” questions TVgasm readers would have submitted. The first question was to Ivette, and she was asked what celebrity she would want to play her in a movie. There is something in the water because Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz were mentioned. Ivette wisely said no and suggested Julie D’Amato from the Sopranos. Did she mean Drea DiMatteo? Jamie Lynn Discala? I guess I could see Jamie Lynn Discala, but let me suggest another Latin person to play Ivette that could more easily represent her size – George Lopez. I wish they asked April the casting question, I have always wondered if she would rather have Rue McLanahan or Bea Arthur as her body double. Next, Janelle was asked what she would do with a one-day vacation from Big Brother. Who in the hell came up with these questions? Please tell me that it was none of you.
It was then time for what had the potential to be the most awkward on screen interview ever. Julie Chen vs. Beau. The Robot vs. the Ho-bot, an EPIC battle. We knew that it was going to be so very uninteresting, and Beau was still trying to remember his subject and predicate, and then CBS through us the strangest interview angle EVAR. Usually, it is a shot of the houseguest, then a shot of Julie from the monitor. For some reason, the producers decided to do the houseguest shot from behind Julie, giving us an unusual view of Julie’s statuesque posture. Why was this so very distracting? I think I need help.
Leaving Beau, hopefully never having to worry about hearing him speak again, we went on to talk about our man James. God, I hated him so much early on in the game, but now it seems like it was so long ago. Nowadays, everybody knows what kind of player James is. He is playing both sides, both teams know it, yet neither team wants to do anything about it. He was such a target, it is really amazing how he enabled himself to get even this far in the game. Forget about the winning, just getting to this point is huge. James doesn’t see it that way, and he still carries around that stupid scar of Sarah’s for good luck. Just how duplicitous is James? One minute, he is really ripping April, while Rachel is saying “she sucks royally”, but on the other side, he is ripping Rachel, saying he is so happy they just realized her true nature, while listening to April talk about Rachel saying “She really is a conniving bitch”. We then cut to Janelle discussing going all the way (to the end of the game, you perverts) with James, and she leaves, saying “I respect your honesty”. Yes, you didn’t lie about your job, your relationship, or that time you promised to nominate Howie and Rachel – on the Bible I might add.
Whenever there is a new set of people on the block, we have to have a little bit of face time from the folks back home, and we first get Howie’s parents. You really feel for what these people went through, and they are really proud of their son. Then we got a little look at Rachel’s parents, and I was literally left speechless, mainly because laughing and talking at the same time doesn’t work out so well. And it’s not like they were that funny in what they said, but they had this classical music in the background, just in case you couldn’t tell that there was a difference in personality between the two families. I though they would have some cat eating some fancy feast in the background, or a friendly British chap dropping off a jar of Taster’s Choice.
They interviewed various people, including Howie’s friend Mike, who is a ventriloquist, or should be, considering his lips never move when he talks. But then it went back to Rachel’s parents, and I noticed that her father Bob never looked at the camera, he just stared off to the left like he was waiting for the ice cream truck to come down the street. And it wasn’t just for a few seconds, it was the entire interview. And then we got Howie’s sister Ashley. The best way I can describe Ashley is that if Rachel’s Dad Bob and Janelle had a love child, it would be Ashley. Everybody was happy for their family members and very proud, even Howie’s parents after hearing him berate April and talk about boobies for two months.
With the eviction happening soon, it was time to check in on the houseguests and what they’re saying in the diary room. April is up first, and she talks about how immature Howie is. He is actually the most immature 34 year-old she has ever met. When she was his age, back in 1950, she wasn’t talking about boobies and humping legs and acting like a hurricane. She notes that Rachel is 33 years old and acts her age. Why the fixation on people acting their age? A little insecure perhaps?
As Janelle was talking about how her alliance might crumble if Rachel is out of the house (uh, this just in – your alliance has been crumbling for weeks), and Ivette says Howie had issues, I became really distracted by that background in the diary room. Remember when you were taking your school pictures each year and they gave you the options of what backgrounds to pick? Remember the boring blue one, and then the one where they charged like $10 extra dollars but had those colored lasers in the background that matched your shirt? The diary room is totally taking me back to that time. I never got the lasers, but at least my parents didn’t make me wear a tie.
Soon enough, it was time to find out who was going to be evicted, and it was going to be another live vote. YES! Like always, the nominees were given a chance to make a final plea. Rachel didn’t say very much, but Howie went on and on and on, and Julie had to start with her interrupt laugh to cut him off, because Howie wouldn’t stop. As he was giving his speech, he seemed to pause every five seconds to kiss Rachel, maybe because he knew he was never going to sleep under the same roof as her ever again.
Howie ended soon enough, and it came to the vote. Maggie went first, and I am not sure what is supposed to be flattering for her, but what she was wearing this evening was not flattering. Maggie is not obese, but she does need a little help in a few areas, and a great place to start would have been to do something about her sagging boobs. While she was sitting on the couch, she broke both titty rules. Rule 1 being your stomach shouldn’t extend farther than your boobs, and Rule 2 being your boobs should never be able to rest on your stomach while you are sitting down. And if that wasn’t appetizing enough, we were treated to her playing with her wedgie after she got up. Sesame chicken was not a good choice.
Maggie votes, and Julie is really in top form with the color commentary. Notice the subtlety with how she switches modes from host Julie to analyst Julie. It is quite a spectacle to behold. As Maggie went to sit down and Janelle got up, something strange happened. She got up and said “Sorry guys” and then “Sorry America” and then headed to the door giggling like she knew there would be trouble, but was going to love the trouble anyway. It was like watching that episode of Three’s Company where Jack and Janet have an argument in the kitchen or the bedroom or by the couch, and Mr. Furley knocks on the door so Chrissy has to go and distract him somehow, but she can’t control the ways her arms are flailing in the air. Oh right, that was every episode.
Janelle gave her vote, and after saying she wanted to evict Rachel, we got a little peek-a-boo shot. First Julie shows us the hot box, now Janelle. SUMMER OF SECRETS. As Janelle comes back and April goes up to vote, we hear Janelle says “Well, everybody knows I’m wearing white!”. I guess she must have really given the people on the other couch a show. She was probably laughing because she was wondering what would have happened if she forgot to wear any underwear, like usual.
Rachel had enough votes for eviction after only three people, but Julie assured us we would get to see what everybody thought, which was also to get rid of April. We had a teary goodbye, and Rachel began her interview with Julie. The robot hand was ready for action, and when Julie finally got around to asking her question, Rachel told us what we all wanted to hear. “I truly believe I am sitting here because Howie nominated James and Sarah.” I thought it would feel better when I finally heard somebody say it, but it just made the wound deeper.
The interview went normally, but we learned of another new Chenbot feature. Previously, her head only had a four-way power option, like the seats of a 1993 LeBaron. Up and Down, left and right, that is what we knew from Julie. Now, it has a full 8-way adjustment, and she used it when she interrupted herself in the middle of a question to redirect it to something else. Some programmer was lazy sending the instructions and almost threw her off. Luckily, the new head motions let us knew she was serious and we finished the interview.
As custom, the houseguests had a chance to say something to Rachel on her way out. Howie had very nice things to say, and Janelle was also very gracious. It looked like everybody was going to be fairly civil. Even April said that the only reason April was being voted out was because she was a great competitor. Hopefully, April’s comment will be the last thing in Rachel’s head, and not that image of April calling her a conniving bitch 30 minutes earlier in the episode. But you knew that Ivette was left. Has anybody else noticed how the last messages are from people that really hate the person being evicted? In times past, they would always end with an ally or best friend in the house. This year is much different, and Ivette gives Rachel her last message, saying that her actions were despicable, yada yada, and I hate you and whatnot.
Ivette keeps on talking about Rachel being a sore loser or a poor winner, but other than some faces she made at the dumbest nomination speech of all time, she has not terrorized the house, and didn’t take her eviction personally. And wouldn’t the fact that Ivette leaving a message to a defeated competitor about poor sportsmanship, but talks about nothing but how bad the person is count as poor sportsmanship as well? If your opponent loses and you basically rub it in their face, what does that say about you? Oh, that’s right, you are a huge (literally), hypocritical, sucky bitch.
Before the HOH competition, we got a chance to learn about the next America’s choice. Everybody has been speculating we would get to choose an HOH or evict a houseguest, but it was really much simpler than that. America’s Choice would win a phone call from home. Normally, CBS fixes this so the person with kids gets to talk to them. Nobody has kids this time, so there is no reason for CBS to fix this time around. Therefore, we are asking everybody to vote Janelle. I don’t particularly care what she has to say to Michael, but as the time goes by and it looks like somebody from the Friendship will win, we must do everything in our power to make it known how much people hate the. Vote early and vote often.
The HOH competition had the houseguests answering questions with an answer of “higher” or “lower”. On the first question “How many houseguests are over 6″ tall, is the answer higher or lower than three”, Maggie, Ivette, and Howie(no surprise) were eliminated. This meant that the chances of Janelle winning were pretty good, and the chances of either James or Janelle winning was even better, especially considering old hag April was their competition. James was eliminated after a few more questions, and it came down to Janelle and April for the tiebreaker. My heart must have been beating like Cappy when he sees a hockey jersey. Janelle loves tiebreakers, and the question was how many pucks were in the basket in the hockey game. Janelle loves hockey, so this is going to be good odds. Right? Right!?
Sadly, my heart was broken. April won, which is about as close to a worst-case scenario as you could possibly get. She took a long time to write her answer down, and I Julie said that she needed an answer several times. I wish there was a time limit, because perhaps then Janelle would have won, but the Chenanigans were very low on this competition. I am going to have to endure another week of the friendship, and perhaps the loss of Janelle. It is KILLING me. Calling Maggie and Ivette fat and April old are shallow victories. The Team Kaysar website is no more, but maybe we can spearhead another sort of fund drive. A forums reader suggested we take a full-page ad in the Los Angeles Times on how much we hate the friendship. Wouldn’t that be absolutely beautiful? Public humiliate is always a decent resort for an empty victory.
So, whom will Busto nominate? Is there any scenario where somebody from the friendship does win?