Don’t Worry, Holly. Diane’s An Idiot Too

Do you ever lose faith in humanity? Do you ever think that idiots hold entirely too much power, and bigger idiots let them have it? I’m not really a cynic, but after last night’s episode of Big Brother, I may have to change my outlook on life. Sure, it’s only a reality show, and sure, the outcome doesn’t really affect my life beyond the world of TVgasm, but as the epic power struggle between Jase and Diane continues to shift towards the bandana’d one, there’s a nagging sense that we’ve hitched our ride onto the worst kind of leader: an idiot.Diane, until this most recent episode, has proven herself to be a ballsy, cutthroat gal who’s not afraid to take on the bad boys. That’s all well and good, but if tonight’s episode taught us anything, this poor girl doesn’t have the mental fortitude to take the Four Horsemen down. This was most evident during the veto competition, which in this case was designed specifically to keep the power of veto away from people. The concept was simple: contestants gathered coins in their piggy bank. If someone accumulated more than twenty coins, they would be eliminated. So of course the logical thing to do would be stuff Jase’s piggy bank full of coins and be done with it. Everyone seemed to figure out that strategy, even Scott (who probably thinks a piggy bank is a where swine take out loans). Unfortunately, Diane spent so much time trying to figure out how she could win the veto that she never thought of how to keep Jase from NOT winning it. Therefore, the misguided girl diplomatically gave everyone one coin and then gave Jase a kind boost of four coins or so on top of that. It wasn’t enough to put him over the edge, but just enough to make sure he could clinch the victory.

Oy vey, Diane. It seems like when Holly left, she took Diane’s brain with her. Maybe Holly has some strange Frankenstein project with her creepy mannequin roommate. Anyway, the good news is that Diane is at least forthcoming about her lapse of brainpower. Even she had to ask how she got through four years of college. And by the way, Diane, we’re still waiting on that answer.

Sadly, this was not Diane’s only dumb move of the night. Her parting gift to the Horsemen, after assuring Jase’s veto victory, was nominating Marvin in his place. The mortician with the 1990 fade (the first and least offensive new hairstyle debuting this episode, but more on that later) was Scott and Jase’s first pick to go on the block. Adria ” or actually Natalie ” wisely pointed out to the women that obliging Scott and Jase on this nomination pick will just reaffirm the guys’ egos, but the twin unfortunately didn’t realize that Diane was going through a moronic phase, which meant she was going to put up Marvin anyway. My only hope was that this was a plan to completely blindside Scott, whom Diane had previously said was safe. If the Horsemen do think that they are sending out Marvin, and Scott goes instead, it will be priceless.

Now even though Diane takes the cake for making the stupidest decisions of the evening, the winner for biggest idiot is still up for grabs. As usual, Jase, Scott, and Michael are the nominees. The girls almost nabbed the title for their goofy attempts to unlock the secrets of the spy screen. Nakomis urged Diane to get in her sultan robe and slippers and command the spy screen to appear. Amazingly, this approach didn’t work. Maybe that’s because today’s technology isn’t robe powered. The girls did find the remote eventually, and with it came the realization that the guys have been hiding this semi-powerful tool from the rest of the house all this time. Adria was definitely not happy about that, but I digress. I’m supposed to be nominating biggest idiot, not angriest spy screen viewer.

First up is Jase. We already know he’s an idiot. Crafty, yes, but an idiot all the same. Tonight’s daring feat of dunderheadedness once again stemmed from the lame fashion choices he thinks will get him into Brad Pitt’s inner circle (and yes, that was double-entendre intended). Jase baffled fashion pundits everywhere by donning a single dish glove during the veto competition. Little, yellow, different, not better. The look was bizarre and decidedly untrendy, even by Big Brother standards. I couldn’t help thinking Jase looked like 1986 Michael Jackson crossed with Mr. Clean. What do I know though? Maybe dishwasher chic is the new Derelicte. Either way, I think Will said it best when he noted that Jase is “about as erotic as a wet t-shirt contest at a nursing home.”

I thought this would surely be the sartorial nadir of the episode, but Jase still had a few cards up his sleeveless T. At the veto ceremony, to accentuate his unabashed gloating, Jase slipped into some of Will’s mismatched clothes and paraded around in some glaring ensemble that was one part SS soldier, another part gay leprechaun. He also worked his hair into a funky Beelzebub ‘do with little horns sticking out the side. I guess it was an homage to his devil rep, but I don’t seem to remember Satan having purdy blonde highlights. Truth is he looked more like the lost member of Flock of Seagulls than anything else. Jase, you are an idiot.

Wow, is that Ed Grimley?

Nominee number two is Scott, who started off the episode declaring that everyone in the house genuinely likes him. So I guess the general disgust and revulsion people have for him is just an act. Scott actually believes that when he goes up for eviction on Thursday, he’ll beat Marvin. I’m not saying that couldn’t happen, but Scott believes he’ll win based on popularity. I’ll tell you one thing, he won’t win based on looks. His hair became the object of ridicule from comedian Marvin who noted that the flat-ironed mess looked like a “rooster’s ass”. So true, Marvin. Maybe he can write for TVgasm. Later, at the veto ceremony, Scott had his hair down in what was supposed to be an homage to the mentally challenged. I don’t think anyone was surprised at how easily Scott slipped into the role. Scott, you are an idiot.

Then there’s always loveable Michael ” aka Cowboy. He’s not brazenly idiotic like his other Horsemen, Drew excluded. Cowboy is more old-fashion, simple mindedly dense. When the house guests had to paint piggy banks, Michael claimed his porcine artwork looked like him. Last time I looked, Cowboy, you weren’t fluorescent yellow with a red nose.

Hmmm… I thought I had more on Cowboy this week, but I don’t. So I’m going to take him out of the running, and based on my own scientific findings, I hereby declare Jase Idiot of the Week. You see, now I feel better.

Who do you think is the biggest idiot on Big Brother 5?