I have to apologize up-front for the brevity of the recap, but I had a friend in from out of town this weekend and some very important things to do.
Why so serious?
With Brian leaving the big brother house the douches mourn the loss of a fallen brother, while the ladies go all Nancy negative wondering who will piss them off next. Renny is just happy that she wasn’t the first one out since her own flesh and blood son told her that he expected that. The guys are all still upset that Jerry broke his word, and Renny reminds everyone of this fact just to stir up some shit to divert attention away while she fixes her wig and reapplies her mole.
“I wear the mole on my inner thigh. Most people don’t know it’s there, but I do. I know.”
Since Jessie is the head of house-hole, everybody is now gravitating toward him and laying off the shrunken head jokes. Dan feels that he is set to go on the block due to his misplaced devotion to Brian and is already dreading sitting that close to Renny for an extended period of time. Renny is fairly positive that she will be on that block, once again cursing the fact that she never learned how to use a doorknob which led to Jessie and Renny’s Moonlighting bickering since day one.
I also have to take a moment to point out that Jessie is a raging douchebag. I really want to kick him until he’s dead. He raves about his winning streak, having won a POV and HOH back to back, and boasts about his 18-inch arms not being able to fit on the screen. I’m not stating this hatred out of jealousy just because I get winded using a rotary phone. I legitimately hate him. But to spread the douchocity Memphis starts kissing Jessie’s pimply ass immediately, so he’s on my list too.
Next is Jessie’s HOH room but I don’t want to give him power by talking about, except I will say that the majority of pictures are of Jessie coated with baby oil and flexing the veins in his eye lids. Everyone comes to the room to wow at Jessie’s pictures, and more importantly to wow at Jessie wowing at his own pictures, except Steven who doesn’t go, probably for the same reason he didn’t shower after gym: fear of getting a boner.
Somebody glued Jessie’s head on a picture of a penis.
The coven, April, Michelle and Libra, all decide that Steven and Angie should go up on the block and are convinced that they can use their feminine wiles to bend a mere mortal like Jessie to do their bidding. To prepare for their chat with Jessie April hoists her tits up to her chin, Libra prepares inspiring speeches she stole from Obama and Michelle eats more corn chips. When they confront Jessie with this information he reminds them that Renny is his primary objective since she’s powerful as an ox and as sharp as a whip. The ladies have to work on Jessie for a while before he realizes that Renny is just a sad old woman in a wig who can be taken care of at anytime down the road. Of course that’s what people said about Evel Dick.
“OK I brought The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Did you remember the pig’s blood and chicken feet?”
Jerry gets to spend a little quality time with Libra and Angie, telling them about his devotion to his wife of 54 years who has Parkinson’s disease. I am not going to make a joke about his refusal to place her in a home because I’m counting on someone to change my jumbo diapers when the day comes. Angie and Libra are moved to tears by Jerry’s profession of love for his wife and best friend, but not so much that they won’t vote him out within two weeks. Mark my words.
For such a sweet guy, I was really surprised when he proceeded to say “pussy.”
The poodle’s out of the Prada bag about Steven’s sexuality (homo for those of you keeping score at home) and Dan is very intrigued since he doesn’t know any gay people. Yes, you heard that right: The Catholic schoolteacher doesn’t know any gay people. Dan continues to ask questions about homosexes since this is his only opportunity: “Where do they live? What do they eat? How big do they get? Are they carnivorous?” I do have to give Dan props, mad props, for stating that he is excited about this opportunity to learn about something that he is ignorant about. Cheers for admitting you’re ignorant.
“Now I understand gay sex but I still can’t figure out how lesbians do it. Mental note: ask Jessie”
When Jessie is walking by Angie on his way to find the baby oil, she stops him and asked for a little one on one time with him. Angie tells Jessie that she wants to make things right with him after the Brian debacle since she really respects Jessie, and his HOH status doesn’t hurt. Jessie immediately dips into his douche bag and tells Angie that she had plenty of time to make things right and basically waited too long. Jessie also reminds Angie that he is not stupid and only pretended to be a meathead just to throw off the rest of the houseguests. If that’s really the case, well played meathead. I totally bought it.
The ridiculously complicated French themed food competition is next. The house is divided into 2 groups: Jessie, Ollie Angie, Steven, Dan, and Michelle on one team, leaving Renny, Jerry, Libra, some kid in an iron lung, the blind girl, and the Siamese twins with no arms on the other team. So it’s evenly divided. The contest consists of a large barrel suspended in the air with wine flowing into it. A few players from each team must get into the barrel and catch the corks thrown up by the rest of the team to plug up the holes. This will in turn make the wine flow from one hole and other players from a team must fill wine glasses from the other team’s hole to……is anybody still reading this? It’s a mess and surprisingly complicated especially since I’m drunk.
This year’s gay pride parade was mediocre at best.
The competition is grueling and long, even longer since Renny keeps standing under the dripping wine with her head up like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption. The best part of the competition is Ollie getting interviewed afterward about his role as a “catcher.” When the game is over the preppies win, leaving Renny, Jerry, et all on slop for the week.
Later Dan attempts to get some alone time with Jessie in order to save his ass. Or was it, use his ass? I didn’t really pay attention. Either way, Dan’s plans are foiled when Jessie and Ollie come into the HOH room while Dan is lying in wait for Jessie to arrive alone. Dan had been watching the monitors so saw Ollie and Jessie walking in so he had time to rush to the bathroom after cleaning up the rose petals and champagne.
“Now that Steven explained it, I’m dying to give this thing a whirl.”
Luckily Dan gets a little head time….er face time later and Jessie is surprisingly receptive toward Dan’s pleas for safety, obviously sensing that the douche is strong in this one.
The nomination time is upon us and everyone is sweating it. Jessie strategically places the keys in the box allowing tension to build and keep his enemies sweating until the last moment. When the last key is pulled it’s Renny’s which leaves Steven and Dan on the block. Jessie tells Steve that he was nominated because he didn’t take the time to come visit the HOH room and Dan was nominated simply because there’s only room for one jackass in that house at a time.
“Ya know what Jessie. There was a time I would have slept with you, but not anymore. You blew it baby!”
Well what did you think? Did Jessie make the right decisions and more importantly do you think I could take him in a fight? Do you think Rick Springfield was singing about Jessie’s girlfriend? What kind of shoes do you think his girlfriend wears? I bet she’s a Ked’s kind of girl. Discuss.