Big Brother: Fish Head, Fish Heads, Yummy, Yummy Fish Heads

Immediately after Jen and Parker’s eviction last week, all of the houseguests rush to the memory wall to find that the two evicted houseguest’s pictures were already grayed out. Matt comments that the producers don’t wait two seconds since Jen and Parker left less than two minutes ago. Two minutes is more than two seconds. He does know that right?

In Beeg Bruhta, yer eizah een or yar aut. Later Heidi.

Allison continues to conduct the crazy train stating that she is glad that Jen is gone since Ryan deserves better than Jen and she will now have a chance to work on their relationship. She states this while stroking a furry white cat and wearing a monocle. A lot of other houseguests make comments that it was really sad to see Parker go since he was a good guy with some killer chronic, however no one seems to miss Jen.

“It doesn’t say ‘Ryan’s partner’ on my right boob for nothin’. No not the writing you see on TV. I carved it in with an old fork last week.”

With mallternative couple James and Chelsia in control we can be sure that there will be plenty of Hot Topics clothes and non-stop rocking out hard core to Blink 182. Alex isn’t happy about the HOHs and blames Amanda if he gets nominated since she made everyone hate their team with her constant gossiping and horse-faceyness. Amanda admits that when James and Chelsia won the HOH competition she threw up in her mouth a little but doesn’t mention that she also let a little pee slip out and cut one and blamed it on the dog.

The entire situation is no no bueno. Natalie feels safe that she and Matt won’t be nominated, for no other reason than blind trust in God and bikinis. Allison assumes she is safe because Chelsia still thinks she is a lesbian and lesbians have never been targeted or subject to persecution. Josh thinks he’s safe because James and Chelsia’s dads are still alive and that’s A-OK in his book.

Nothing’s more punk that jazz hands.

The houseguests come into the house to find all of the cups missing as if someone were building a very small fort. The houseguests discuss what kind of flatware can be used as an alternative and after everyone votes no on plates and forks they decide to use bowls for drinking. Matt has the epiphany of the evening when he states, “cups are a very essential part of life. We use them for drinking and what not.” That’s very good Matt. Now what do we use a chair for? Cha-ir.

“Ch…..ch……cha…..chair!”

Later James assures Matt that he will not be on the block this week. Chelsia and James both give Matt their outsider, tattooed, punk word that Matt and Natalie are safe but Matt obviously doesn’t completely trust the two since he looks into the camera and says “You got that right?” They got that Matt. They also got you picking your underwear out of your crack, kissing yourself in the mirror and checking out Alex’s boredom woody.

“I see all as well. You’re all gonna die in this house. DIE!”

Josh wants Sharon to trust him so he wants to be honest about everything. He tells her that dishwater blond is not his natural hair color, that he’s actually a top and also shares the fact that Allison and Sheila are lesbonaunts.

Like everyone in on the fake secret Sharon thinks that it all makes sense now and double negatively states that you can’t trust no one in the house, meaning you can trust someone in the house. She also states that she don’t want none unless you got buns hon, which means that she in fact does want some.

“O god, I just pictured the scissoring. OOhh and they’re both eating cold cuts. Make it stop.”

It’s time look at the HOH room! Chelsia is thrilled that there is no chance she will be put on slop and the fact that she gets a bubble bath in which to cleanse her infected belly button piercing. Once in the room James and Sharon both get pictures of their loved ones including Chelsia’s family and cat and a pictures of James’ big, black sex cop from Immoral Oral 6. Natalie mentions that James’ sister looks like a model and wonders what the hell happened to James.

Chelsia tries to pimp out her brother and tells all the ladies that her brother is single, owns his own pet-grooming salon and is a proud member of the Oprah Book Club. Sheila cries because she sees the picture of Chelsia’s cat and misses her own pussy, which she lost in particularly randy cab ride with the Rolling Stones back in the 70s.

Mickey Rooney holds back Sheila’s eyes to show us what she looked like 20 years ago.

James reveals to Ryan and Moose his nefarious plan which he calls “Operation Condor” in which he plans to get rid of everyone who’s picture is on the top shelf of the memory wall meaning that Alex and Amanda will be going home next. The plan is called Operation Condor since condors swoop in and take things off of the top shelf. At least very specifically trained condors do.

Amanda asks Natalie if she should have a chat with Josh about their previous blowup and Natalie says it’s a good idea mainly because she wants to see a cat fight. When Josh comes in the living room from his daily constitutional Amanda asks Josh to join her in the sauna since a room that reaches over 100 degrees is the perfect place to conduct a civilized conversation.

Amanda agrees that Josh obviously tore her a new asshole and Josh tells her that she’s welcome. Amanda tells Josh that she knows he didn’t mean what he said and before Josh can disagree Amanda forgives him. Amanda takes this opportunity to form a secret alliance with Josh since no one would ever suspect that she and Josh didn’t hate each other with the fiery passion of a thousand volcanoes. Amanda promises Josh that she will take him to the final three but Josh is wary of Amanda’s claim.

Josh fears that Amanda will throw him under the bus as soon as she gets an opportunity just like Josh’s poodle Sprinkles. Doesn’t feel so good when it happens to you, does it Josh? Amanda hugs Josh and assures him that she won’t dick him over like so many DL thugs have done in the past.

“You’re gonna be my GBF forever and ever and I’ll hug you and squeeze you and love you to death.”

Later that day Natalie and Amanda are chillaxin’ in the hot tub when Natalie confesses to Amanda that she gets butterflies in her stomach every time she is around Matt. Amanda says she feels the same way every time she’s around Alex but that’s mainly because she’s terrified that he will anally rape her or cut off his ear to profess his love. Natalie mentions all of the things that she and Matt have in common: He wants five to seven kids as does she. He likes pizza and she likes pizza. He was born a boy and her parents decided to raise her as a girl.

I heard that Ricky Martin was once rushed to the hospital and they pumped like a gallon of butterflies out of his stomach.

Later Natalie goes to take a bubble bath in Blanche Deveraux’s bedroom and tries to coerce Matt to join her by loudly commenting on how great the water feels and how the tub is large enough for more than one person. Matt may be a guido moron but he knows when a chick is trying to get all up in his business. Matt calls Natalie on her shit and says that they are not going to have sex no matter how bad she or the producers want it.

Natalie later equates her and Matt’s relationship to the movie The Cutting Edge where the two main characters pretended to not like each other but really loved each other deep down. It’s actually more like Welcome to the Dollhouse where the main fugly wants to give it up to the first guy whose lazy eye wandered her way.

“Thank you for being a slut, traveled down the alley and up my butt.”

Downstairs Sheila and Allison chat about a plan to take Josh and Chelsia aside and tell them the truth that they are not actually lesbotards. Sheila doesn’t understand what purpose that would serve, but somehow did understand the purpose of making up the lie in the first place. Sheila doesn’t think it’s a good idea to “in” themselves since people will be upset that they lied and more upset that there is no one in the house to do woodworking or caulk the tub.

Sheila feels that Josh would freak out since he actually was born gay, or at least turned that way after seeing Sheila’s Playboy spread, and they were just pretending to be. The plan is to stroke his ego and tell him that they are so proud that he didn’t tell the entire house like they thought he would, so their plan backfired causing them to reveal the truth. Sheila is apprehensive but goes with Allison on this since Allison wears the pants in that relationship.

“Ew, yuck. I just pictured us scissoring and I gotta tell ya: it’s not pretty.”

Food competition! Chelsia and James exit the DR in matching captain’s hats to gather everyone for the competition. Everyone is given hankies: yellow and green meaning they’re either into watersports or Kermit sex. Everyone is ushered outside to find a makeshift lagoon complete with fishnets, boats and hookers on the docks. Everyone squeals with delight, mostly James, until they are metaphorically punched in the face by the smell all of the dead, rotting fish. Moose looks at Sheila and says “Damn girl! Is that you?”

“Jenkies gang, looks like a mystery to me.”

In the contest half of the team have to stand on the dock of the boat and hold a rope attached to a large net. The other half of the teams have to enter the lagoon and toss dead fish into the opposing team’s nets to make them too heavy to hold so they are dropped. Chelsia’s initial strategy is to go for the big fish but realizes that she is too delicate of a flower to toss big fish and James realizes the same thing. Ryan admits he was a little turned on seeing all the girls covered in fish guts and dirt since he obviously likes dirty girls, hence Jen. Ryan is so distracted by the sexy, sexy chummed-up ladies that he is the first one out.

Matt gets distracted by something shiny and drops his net next. After much mishigos it finally comes down to Josh and Moose. The two go head to head in a dramatic confrontation between goof and evil until goof forgets what he’s doing and drops his net so Josh and his team, “Sea-duction” win. This puts Amanda, Alex, Moos and Sheila all on slop and let’s face it, no member of this team is going to starve to death. Amanda is really upset about it since she really enjoys food as well as water and oxygen.

“This buenos.”

Next up we get a bueno montage showing how often Amanda says bueno and how peeved the houseguests are getting having to hear it constantly. It’s this year’s “Awk-ward!” Amanda seems to think that bueno means hello or possibly “fear me, bitches” since she says it every time she walks in a room. Beyond that she uses it at the most random times for absolutely no reason and it seems to be catching on.

“Put it in my bueno and bueno me like a dirty little bueno.”

In the confines of the HOH bedroom where no one can see them, except for the world, James confesses to Chelsia that he is attracted to her and thinks she’s cooler than Pink, Bikini Kill and NOFX combined. He tries to coax her to get in bed with him but Chelsia can’t decide if she’s man enough. She sits on the chair clutching her blankie for a long time before she finally crawls into the bed and comments on how large it is, meaning the bed.

James says he’s going to sleep and Chelsia doesn’t want him to, throwing mixed signals all over the place. Chelsia’s talking head confesses that James is growing on her but she also confesses that the cream is helping to clear that up. James and Chelsia finally share a passionate kiss causing their tongue rings to get tangled.

“Be gentle. On second thought I’m having a little trouble getting in the mood. Why don’t you smack me around a little bit.”

Allison and Sheila decide to come clean with Chelsia and James that they are not really lesbian lovers. They just can’t get a man. They are worried that they will walk out of the house and be picketed by the gays but I’m pretty sure lesbians are going to be elated that neither of these two crags will be coming to The Bearded Clam happy hour anytime soon. James and Chelsia take the news well considering there was never sexual tension nor will there ever be.

Next they corner Josh and tell him the truth as well. Josh asks the obvious question as to why they thought that would help them causing Allison and Sheila to stop and think really hard, both coming up with nothing. The whole situation has thrown Josh into a sexual identity crisis causing him to question his on sexuality since he lost his male partner and is currently sleeping with a woman. Ah, college memories.

“Never mind. I just pictured the scissoring and I’m gay again. Even gayer now, actually.”

Chelsia, Josh and James come together to talk about the fact that Allison and Sheila may now be lying about lying and the group realizes that they can’t trust anything that the two alleged-former-not-really-lesbians say. James says that after finding out that Sheila isn’t a lesbian he went back to his original first impression of her that she is just a giant bitch. It’s a fine line between the two. He’s also “pissed off” that she was lying about her sexuality to get through the game.

Chelsia reminds us that one of the duties of the HOH couple, in addition to folding the T-shirts and restocking the candy shelves, is to nominate two couples for eviction. Amanda feels that her brains and beauty have put a target on their team but I’m pretty sure it’s the fact that everyone hates her. Natalie feels safe since James and Chelsia promised her team immunity from eviction but we all know that there’s really no immunity unless you wear a condom which none of these people do. Sheila is worried that either she or Allison could be put up. Moose feels that Sheila’s bitchocity has made them a target. Alex feels that Amanda pissing every one off has made them a target. James says that the second pawn couple will be a shock. It’s going to be veteran character actor Ernest Borgnine.

Everyone is called to the table for the nominations and Chelsia and James pull the first keys leaving Moose and Sheila safe from eviction but not safe from their growing lust. The next keys pulled are for Josh and Sharon leaving them in the house for another week. The next and last couple safe is Allison and Ryan, which leaves Natalie and Matt and Alex and Amanda up for eviction. James doesn’t pull any punches and tells Matt and Natalie that they were nominated since they are such strong players and can win the POV this week so that Alex and Amanda will be voted out. Matt reminds us of the age-old adage, “never trust anybody with pink hair” which is why I always thought my Grandma was a shifty bitch.