Big Brother: Gays Vs. Catholics: Smackdown

Big Brother

By FozzieBare | Wednesday, July 23, 2008 | 8:42 pm | 15 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarious, recap, spoof, TV, tvgasm

Evictions, evictions
You’re so delicious
I love you more
Than all the competitions.

It’s the Great PumpkinBot, Charlie Brown

With Dan and Steven on the block we face the possibility of either losing the swayback, chaps-loving queer or that rodeo enthusiast. Dan has opted to lay low and let Steven’s natural self-destructive nature and desperate need for Crystal Meth drive him out of the house. Of course Steven doesn’t realize Dan’s motives and actually feels bad about being placed on the block next to his GBFF.

A moment of silence for Estelle Getty. Goodnight Sophia Petrillo, wherever you are.

It doesn’t take Steven long to start campaigning against Catholicism though when he takes an opportunity to sit down with a few key players, Libra, Ollie and April, to pitch his case and crawl out from under the rubble left by Brian. The group tells Steven that they like him and find his oversized belt buckles “um….interesting” but he is such a strong competitor that they think Dan is the person they should keep. Steven thinks quick on his boots and reminds them that a better competitor is a better ally at this point in the game. Plus he’s the only out gay guy in the group so he wouldn’t fight with them over boys or try to cock block Ollie. Food for thought.

After Steven leaves the group alone with their thought Michelle wanders in the room with the flimsy excuse of needing a tissue. The night vision goggles and sonic ear device are damning evidence of her duplicity. The group takes a moment to compliment her on her hair and pretty outfit, but as soon as she leaves they all giggle about how stupid her hair looks and make comments about her cheap K-Mart clothes. After they rag on Michelle a fair amount of time they move on to Angie and Memphis for plotting against them. The group makes a decision to bring in one of the floaters in the house to tip the scales, and Libra actually says “our back’s against the wall” when her back is literally against a wall. That’s like saying “I’ve really painted myself into a corner” if you have actually painted yourself into a corner. It’s just funny.

It’s like saying you screwed the pooch if you literally just screwed a pooch.

Michelle immediately heads to Jessie’s room to pumice the scaly, dead skin off his feet again while feeding him grapes. Dan enters with the sinful cover of having to use the bathroom again, since both lying and pooping are sins according to Catholic dogma, but takes a moment to warn Michelle and Jessie that he knows something is going on in the house and if they hear anything he would appreciate a heads up. Michelle looks up from giving Jessie a bikini wax and agrees.

That will be four Hail Mary’s and six Our Fathers.

While Angie counts the ways she hates the coven, April, Libra, and Keesha, the coven simultaneously hunts a little and pecks a little as to why they don’t like Angie. The coven deduces that Dan would be more easily swayed to the other side so keeping Steven would be the better bet, plus they could dress him up, talk about boys and go shopping.

“…we’re like totally out of eye of newt. Maybe we can use Renny’s eyes instead.”

The Chenbot takes a chance to have a little video chat with the houseguests, calling on Jerry first. She asks if he thinks he is as strong of a competitor as the younger houseguests to which Jerry replies, “chicken salad,” before wetting himself. Next Julie doesn’t pull any punches when she tells April that she senses love in the house and wonders what attracted April to Ollie when they’re not even the same race? April says he’s nice and sweet and she can talk to him, plus he’s hung like a Christmas ornament.

Renny poses for a question from Julie, which sadly never comes.

After the chat, Julie takes the chance to stir up a little trouble between Jessie and Renny by showing videos of their families’ opinions about this Harold and Maude sequel gone horribly awry. Not surprisingly Renny’s family describes her as vocal, free spirited, and wacky, which are all synonyms for functionally retarded. Jessie’s family describes Jessie as a tool and wish that he had never been born. For some reason Jessie’s family takes his side and Renny’s family takes hers, but we won’t really see this issue resolved until the steel cage match in week 8.

Two bitches enter, only one exits

Next Julie takes a chance to chat in privacy with Jessie. She asks him why he thinks the houseguests refer to him as a body without a brain? This is the same heartbreak Cybil Shepherd faced in the 70s, but luckily doesn’t have to worry about anymore. Jessie doesn’t understand the question but expresses more concern that CBS should invest in wide angle lens cameras to capture the full shape of his 18-inch biceps.

“Maybe you should get another camera behind me to capture my glutes too. We have to give America what it wants.”

When time for the evictions Dan delivers a heartfelt message to his housemates that he simply wants a chance at redemption for his treacherous actions the first week and only hopes that they can give him another….blah blah blah. When Steven delivers his speech it is quite possibly the most brilliant soliloquy in recorded reality TV history, with Survivor Susan from season one now a close second. See transcript:

“I would just like to say that at the beginning when we first moved in, I made a choice, and I immediately regretted that decision. But looking back on what I’ve learned in this house I’ve learned some amazing things. For example, it takes several thousand volts of electricity to make the gas in a neon light flow. I also learned that derriÃ¨re is the hardest porno password ever. It’s not delivery, it’s Di Giorno. So as I look back I just have to ask myself, what would Willy do? So I would like to tell you all one last message. Suck it bitches.”

I am officially joining the gay rodeo circuit. We all knew it was just a matter of time.

Despite Steven’s brilliant speech which included pornography, instant pizza, and conservation, all nine eligible houseguest vote to evict him. Sad goodbyes all around before Steven leaves the Big Brother house to applause and cheers from the live studio audience. When Julie gets a chance to sit down with Steven and ask him questions about his gameplay and how he can do those things to another dude, we also get to see the goodbye messages that his houseguests recorded. They’re all standard “miss you,” “sorry to see you go” “K.I.T.” “Have a great summer” messages…..except Jessie’s? Jessie takes this moment to tell Steven that it was great to work out with him and hopes that Steven will take inspiration from Jessie’s rock hard abs and bulging biceps to achieve the physique that Steven has always wanted. OK we’re all smart, resourceful people. What can we do to make this dude suffer? Think people. I’m picturing something with a laxative and a protein shake.

“Ahh that’s so swee….wait. Seriously?”

It’s sad to see Steven go but at least this means that this walking wang, Jessie, is finally out as HOH. To prepare for this week’s HOH competition the staff decided to effectively screw with the houseguest’s heads and give them the gaslight making them each think they’re insane. At random moments through the week, the Producers would let one of the houseguests see a big-eyed, green alien staring at them through the two-way mirror, causing the person who sees it to scream and Renny to pee a little. Before the competition random decorative items were removed from the house and the Houseguests have to answer questions about what was stolen by the alien to win the HOH, because aliens are notorious for subtle, subversive redecorating when you’re not looking.

“Ahhhh! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow!!”

Two by two the houseguests face off, just like Moses would make them do, about the items that have been abducted it……O I just got that! Abducted. Aliens. Very clever, Julie. Anyway, we come down to Keesha and Libra squaring off in a sexy, interracial women-in-prison-movie sparring match. When Libra screws the pooch, metaphorically unlike Jessie, Keesha takes the prize and it crowned the new HOH.

Caged Heat 8: Big Brother Edition

Well what did you think? Who hates Jessie by a show of hands? Who thought Jerry was an adorable old man during week one but is quickly getting sick of that Bea Arthur impression? Who think Ollie and April will get a spin-off on VH1? Discuss.

Comments (15)
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15 Comments

1

cattyfan

Posted July 24, 2008 at 8:12 am

“Next Julie takes a chance to chat in privacy with Jessie. She asks him why he thinks the houseguests refer to him as a body without a brain?” His response of “Could you repeat the question?” was the perfect answer.

And I loved Jessie’s goodbye to Matt…all about Jessie and how he’s been a great role model foe Steven learning to build his body.

Renny has gone from Carrie Fischer, post-rehab, to Marilu Henner, pre-Apprentice. Equally scarey.

Also, I think you meant “Noah” not “Moses.” Maybe we should check with Catholic Dan…or Ollie’s dad.
2

ericantaki

Posted July 24, 2008 at 8:26 am

Fozzie — your recap was awesome.

Love the “chicken salad” & “wet myself” response for Jerry. He’s getting on my nerves.

And what the hell is wrong with Jessie? He is infatuated with himself and his goodbye message to Steven was embarrassing.

My favorite right now is Keesha.

–Eric
3

oywhatnext

Posted July 24, 2008 at 10:03 am

What a show. The Chenbot looked like an ingridient of General Tso’s Chicken.

I was expecting to see the cast of Little People, Big World when they cut to Jessie’s family so I was a bit disapointed to see that they look pretty much like most of the families I see spending their assistance checks at the Dollar Store.

I was contemplating throwing in a Kukla, Fran & Ollie reference in here somewhere but don’t want people to know that I’m old enough to have served in the war of 1812 with Jerry.

Great recap. I look forward to these more than I do the actual show.
4

foxbasealpha

Posted July 24, 2008 at 10:56 am

Chenbot’s couture prison jumpsuit took the cake.

Why have a studio audience when they can’t even ask their damn questions posed to the houseguests?

I still don’t get why Steven was a threat to get out of the house. His final deliberation to the other houseguests was the best. Chenbot almost exploded computing what he just said.
5

tresjolie3

Posted July 24, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Where to start. First of all – give me a break, seriously – who dresses the chenbot!!!! That big orange prison suit was horrible!!! Ok enough with the fashion. I’m going to agree with oywhatnext Jerry is really starting to irritate me. Wouldn’t you love to watch the chenbot and producers in the BB house next season! I’m just guessing that the bot would be the showmance queen of all time. Seriously, I think probably Keesha is #1 this week, with Jerry being the first week and Ollie the second. Love you Fozzie.
6

Anonymous

Posted July 24, 2008 at 2:20 pm

One quick bone to pick with you Foz:

Nothing, ever, ever, will ever rival Sue’s insane “Rats and Snakes” diatribe.

On the other hand: How many different kinds of ways did Stephen rock last night?

Please, please, please, let there be a “Bring Back One Houseguest” twist this summer.
7

juddfan

Posted July 24, 2008 at 3:44 pm

I can certainly see why you would wonder about a VH1 show . . . seems they’re doing one on Youtube as we speak!

As much as I love me some gay cowboy, that Steven wasn’t one of ‘em, I’m actually glad to see him go, though he never did much, is it me, or did he look uncomfortable all the time!!!

Didn’t see the show, so I’m not flush with fresh Jessie hate, and if she’s so concerned with herself, why should i waste my energy, it was clear the first sentence . . .”I’m a natural body builder, Believe it or not!” Oh my my , Jessie, you are so buff, and that’s natural, are you sure, coz I see some zits on your back I can pop for you!” Guess I’m channeling Michelle with that one!
8

mistichristi

Posted July 24, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Im on board with Keesha this week as well but… does she ever mean what she says because it seems like she is very correct in her thinking but she ALWAYS just does what the house tells her to do. And is she missing teeth on her left side or am I nuts?
As for Jerry, I actually liked him better this week than last week personaly, I mean at least he stopped repating himself like last week.
Renny is a hoot, and I think Dan might be a great player but we will just have to wait and see if he is really sooooo loyal to Jessie or not. They voted out Steven because of his bond with Brian and Dan who was Brians BFF and even gave hime a vote (which I thought was pretty cool and ballsy), has convinced all he is the second coming. Jurys out but if He turns it all over on his “alliance” that’d rock!
Jessie’s goodbye was just so narccisistic it was hard to believe, every time I think he tops out at being a complete asshole he out does himself. Yuck.
April also creeps me out but I like Ollie
Just some babbling thoughts……….
9

loiseau_chante

Posted July 24, 2008 at 5:51 pm

I’m a big Ollie and Keesha fan right now. Unfortunately, that puts me on the side of Libra and April, but I’ll take them over Jessie.

My hand is raised so high in my hate for him that I just sprained something.

It seems that he got his arrogant tooliness from his mommy telling him every night before bed that he’s not a weasel. Who knew.
10

Mr Dangerous

Posted July 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm

Still lovin’ my boy Jessie. I would lurv to be a houseguest;lazily laying on the couch while Jessie, almost naked, poses for me.
It would be Christmas in July!

Yes, I do agree about Jerry. He’s icky. Plus, he doesn’t seem to know where he is all the time. I wish someone would slap him back into reality OR I wish he would have a SHOWMANCE with Renny.

Liking Zodiac’s make-up on eviction nights. She’s the only one who appears to make an effort. Steven finally acted like a (gay)MAN on the night of his eviction. I finally saw some of his personality that didn’t involve tears or sadness or melancholy.

I miss GAY WILL from a couple of seasons back AND Bunky AND Marcellas (the Marcellas from the first time around because the Marcellas from the second time around was just TOO bitter) AND my favorite, of all, Josh.

Sweet, misogynist, pudgy, “small down there” Josh.

sigh….
11

suckitbitches

Posted July 25, 2008 at 12:04 pm

I loved Steven’s speech so much I have changed my name in his honor. But #6 is right, nothing can outdo Sue’s.

Hate the fact that Libra’s alliance is giving me flashbacks to that stuuupid “friendship” group in BB6. I was sweating bullits that she would win HOH.
12

angiemarie

Posted July 25, 2008 at 12:34 pm

Great recap, Foz! For a long time, I couldn’t really tell the difference between Memphis and Steven, but now I can. Memphis is the one still in the BB house.

I think you and flipit should be “buckle bunnies” on the gay rodeo circuit.
13

itchy

Posted July 25, 2008 at 1:05 pm

ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF REALITY TELEVISION:

“It was great working out with you. I’m glad that you actually know how hard I’ve worked at what I’ve done, and you have the potential to take your physique somewhere that you know that you want it and now I hope that you know that your goals are within reach just by me trying to lead by example.”

Sorry, he definitely kicked Steven’s ass there with the speech. I really hope King Jesse stays in for a few more weeks and keeps it up — the best revenge will be when he gets out and discovers how hard the world has been laughing at him.

Wonder what they put in those ‘all natural’ steroids…
14

bitchristine

Posted July 27, 2008 at 7:34 am

Fozzie, please will you call Jessie WALKING WANG from now on?! That is very friggin’ funny, I almost died laughing when I read WALKING WANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15

echo27

Posted July 27, 2008 at 8:45 am

Nice recap. You forgot that April likes Ollie because she can “conversate” with him.

Also, Keesha looked hot during the HOH competition.