You’re so delicious
I love you more
Than all the competitions.
It’s the Great PumpkinBot, Charlie Brown
With Dan and Steven on the block we face the possibility of either losing the swayback, chaps-loving queer or that rodeo enthusiast. Dan has opted to lay low and let Steven’s natural self-destructive nature and desperate need for Crystal Meth drive him out of the house. Of course Steven doesn’t realize Dan’s motives and actually feels bad about being placed on the block next to his GBFF.
A moment of silence for Estelle Getty. Goodnight Sophia Petrillo, wherever you are.
It doesn’t take Steven long to start campaigning against Catholicism though when he takes an opportunity to sit down with a few key players, Libra, Ollie and April, to pitch his case and crawl out from under the rubble left by Brian. The group tells Steven that they like him and find his oversized belt buckles “um….interesting” but he is such a strong competitor that they think Dan is the person they should keep. Steven thinks quick on his boots and reminds them that a better competitor is a better ally at this point in the game. Plus he’s the only out gay guy in the group so he wouldn’t fight with them over boys or try to cock block Ollie. Food for thought.
After Steven leaves the group alone with their thought Michelle wanders in the room with the flimsy excuse of needing a tissue. The night vision goggles and sonic ear device are damning evidence of her duplicity. The group takes a moment to compliment her on her hair and pretty outfit, but as soon as she leaves they all giggle about how stupid her hair looks and make comments about her cheap K-Mart clothes. After they rag on Michelle a fair amount of time they move on to Angie and Memphis for plotting against them. The group makes a decision to bring in one of the floaters in the house to tip the scales, and Libra actually says “our back’s against the wall” when her back is literally against a wall. That’s like saying “I’ve really painted myself into a corner” if you have actually painted yourself into a corner. It’s just funny.
It’s like saying you screwed the pooch if you literally just screwed a pooch.
Michelle immediately heads to Jessie’s room to pumice the scaly, dead skin off his feet again while feeding him grapes. Dan enters with the sinful cover of having to use the bathroom again, since both lying and pooping are sins according to Catholic dogma, but takes a moment to warn Michelle and Jessie that he knows something is going on in the house and if they hear anything he would appreciate a heads up. Michelle looks up from giving Jessie a bikini wax and agrees.
That will be four Hail Mary’s and six Our Fathers.
While Angie counts the ways she hates the coven, April, Libra, and Keesha, the coven simultaneously hunts a little and pecks a little as to why they don’t like Angie. The coven deduces that Dan would be more easily swayed to the other side so keeping Steven would be the better bet, plus they could dress him up, talk about boys and go shopping.
“…we’re like totally out of eye of newt. Maybe we can use Renny’s eyes instead.”
The Chenbot takes a chance to have a little video chat with the houseguests, calling on Jerry first. She asks if he thinks he is as strong of a competitor as the younger houseguests to which Jerry replies, “chicken salad,” before wetting himself. Next Julie doesn’t pull any punches when she tells April that she senses love in the house and wonders what attracted April to Ollie when they’re not even the same race? April says he’s nice and sweet and she can talk to him, plus he’s hung like a Christmas ornament.
Renny poses for a question from Julie, which sadly never comes.
After the chat, Julie takes the chance to stir up a little trouble between Jessie and Renny by showing videos of their families’ opinions about this Harold and Maude sequel gone horribly awry. Not surprisingly Renny’s family describes her as vocal, free spirited, and wacky, which are all synonyms for functionally retarded. Jessie’s family describes Jessie as a tool and wish that he had never been born. For some reason Jessie’s family takes his side and Renny’s family takes hers, but we won’t really see this issue resolved until the steel cage match in week 8.
Two bitches enter, only one exits
Next Julie takes a chance to chat in privacy with Jessie. She asks him why he thinks the houseguests refer to him as a body without a brain? This is the same heartbreak Cybil Shepherd faced in the 70s, but luckily doesn’t have to worry about anymore. Jessie doesn’t understand the question but expresses more concern that CBS should invest in wide angle lens cameras to capture the full shape of his 18-inch biceps.
“Maybe you should get another camera behind me to capture my glutes too. We have to give America what it wants.”
When time for the evictions Dan delivers a heartfelt message to his housemates that he simply wants a chance at redemption for his treacherous actions the first week and only hopes that they can give him another….blah blah blah. When Steven delivers his speech it is quite possibly the most brilliant soliloquy in recorded reality TV history, with Survivor Susan from season one now a close second. See transcript:
“I would just like to say that at the beginning when we first moved in, I made a choice, and I immediately regretted that decision. But looking back on what I’ve learned in this house I’ve learned some amazing things. For example, it takes several thousand volts of electricity to make the gas in a neon light flow. I also learned that derriÃ¨re is the hardest porno password ever. It’s not delivery, it’s Di Giorno. So as I look back I just have to ask myself, what would Willy do? So I would like to tell you all one last message. Suck it bitches.”
I am officially joining the gay rodeo circuit. We all knew it was just a matter of time.
Despite Steven’s brilliant speech which included pornography, instant pizza, and conservation, all nine eligible houseguest vote to evict him. Sad goodbyes all around before Steven leaves the Big Brother house to applause and cheers from the live studio audience. When Julie gets a chance to sit down with Steven and ask him questions about his gameplay and how he can do those things to another dude, we also get to see the goodbye messages that his houseguests recorded. They’re all standard “miss you,” “sorry to see you go” “K.I.T.” “Have a great summer” messages…..except Jessie’s? Jessie takes this moment to tell Steven that it was great to work out with him and hopes that Steven will take inspiration from Jessie’s rock hard abs and bulging biceps to achieve the physique that Steven has always wanted. OK we’re all smart, resourceful people. What can we do to make this dude suffer? Think people. I’m picturing something with a laxative and a protein shake.
“Ahh that’s so swee….wait. Seriously?”
It’s sad to see Steven go but at least this means that this walking wang, Jessie, is finally out as HOH. To prepare for this week’s HOH competition the staff decided to effectively screw with the houseguest’s heads and give them the gaslight making them each think they’re insane. At random moments through the week, the Producers would let one of the houseguests see a big-eyed, green alien staring at them through the two-way mirror, causing the person who sees it to scream and Renny to pee a little. Before the competition random decorative items were removed from the house and the Houseguests have to answer questions about what was stolen by the alien to win the HOH, because aliens are notorious for subtle, subversive redecorating when you’re not looking.
“Ahhhh! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow!!”
Two by two the houseguests face off, just like Moses would make them do, about the items that have been abducted it……O I just got that! Abducted. Aliens. Very clever, Julie. Anyway, we come down to Keesha and Libra squaring off in a sexy, interracial women-in-prison-movie sparring match. When Libra screws the pooch, metaphorically unlike Jessie, Keesha takes the prize and it crowned the new HOH.
Caged Heat 8: Big Brother Edition
Well what did you think? Who hates Jessie by a show of hands? Who thought Jerry was an adorable old man during week one but is quickly getting sick of that Bea Arthur impression? Who think Ollie and April will get a spin-off on VH1? Discuss.