So I guess this is my last Big Brother recap of the season. How very sad. How very sad for so many reasons. I won’t get into it now, but I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about already. Honestly, I really don’t know what to say right now. It’s been an up and down season, with more downs than ups, but enough ups to make up for the downs. Gosh, I didn’t know I could write “up” and “down” so many times in one sentence and not be talking about the secret code to Contra. Nevertheless, Tuesday’s episode was magnificent, truly wonderful. We knew it would be hard to top it, and going into tonight’s live eviction, we also knew there was danger that at least one person could spoil everything. For Janelle fans, that would be Boogie. For Boogie fans, that would be Janelle. And for Erika fans, that would be… well… no one. She was pretty much guaranteed a spot in the final two no matter what. So who will be making it to the very end? Why, the answer is after the jump!Tonight’s episode began with the always welcomed image of Julie Chen, who appeared to be honing her alter ego: The Scarlet Temptress! Yes, the Chenbot was clad in a sumptuous red top that promised a night of seduction for whichever man was so lucky to enter her lair (We’ll assume it’s Leslie). However, as much as I’d like to dote on Julie’s latest sartorial choices, there’s much story to be recapped; so I’ll just move on.
The Chenbot delivered her one and only “BUT FIRST!” of the night, and then she told us, “It was a big night Tuesday when the [voice lilting to brief falsetteo] PUPPET- [voice returning to normal] -master Will found his strings severed by the women of the house, and no one was more surprised than his Chill Town partner, Mike, whose jaw is still. on. the. ground.” We then headed back into the house where Erika enjoyed an empowered, Sisters-Are-Doing-It-For-Themselves moment in the diary room. She cheered on Janelle’s big eviction, saying, “You get ‘em, girlfriend! Let’s get these boys!” And with that, she suddenly transformed into a licensed joyologist as she kicked her leg in the air and screamed, “I love this game!” She then added, “I love it I love I love it I love it I LOOOOOVE IIIIITTTT!!!”
While Erika rejoiced, Boogie reeled with shock over his master’s eviction. “I’m totally flabbergasted,” he said, barely able to endure the traumatic experience of suddenly being an unclaimed sidekick. Adding insult to injury was Erika, who walked by him after the eviction and said, “Checkmate.” If I were her, I’d revise that to “check,” but I still appreciated the haughty sentiment.
A bitter Boogie then told us, “Showmance can be very effective for you. It kind of turned into a ho-mance, and I’m glad that America now knows that Erika is in fact a ho.” Ouch! To think this is the same guy who Giada De Laurentiis once invited over to a backyard BBQ (why I never got a screencap of that is beyond me). Boogie then continued, “So I’ve used that girl up for all I need. I’ve got myself in a position to win this game, and that’s all she was good for.” Wait, doesn’t that mean that he’s the ho? He just said he used her to advance himself in the game. Sorry, Boogie. Idaho? No, you da ho!
Erika then came on screen and told us her baby plans with Mike were now on hold. THANK GOD. Every day that goes by without his seed permeating humanity is a good day. Boogie then bashed Erika some more, saying, “Erika’s been moping around. She had her ugly long face on all day.” This comes from a man with a hook nose and a chin you can safely place a whiskey tumbler on. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but people in glass houses shouldn’t throw armbands.
Of course, Boogie wasn’t about to show the girls how bitter and vengeful he was. Instead, he tried to act cool with everything, complimenting Janelle on her eviction and saying how it was such a great move and so bold and blah blah blah. We could tell he just wanted to bash her head against the counter and scream, “YOU TOOK AWAY MY MASTER! YOU TOOK AWAY MY MASTER!!! HE’S MY LIFE!! MY EVERYTHING!!! YOU TOOK THAT FROM ME!!!”
We then watched the “endurance” challenge again, and I put endurance in quotes merely because it lasted less than two minutes. I was still highly amused at Mike’s idiotic decision to take himself off the block, but my heart sank a tad when I learned that Erika was planning on throwing it so Janelle could win. Apparently, just seconds before Janelle had taken her hands off, Erika was about to step down, but alas, it never happened, and so Janelle was in the uncertain position of having to fight doubly hard to win HOH tonight. Nevertheless, once the competition was over, Mike retreated to the bedrooms and finally vented his frustration over losing Will. He slammed his shirt down angrily at the floor, proving once and for all that he was the man in charge… of his wardrobe. He wasn’t gonna take any shit from NO SHIRT!!! No siree! Boogie’s in charge, and no vestment would be the boss of him!
Boogie then sat on a bed, and for a moment, it looked like he might be tearing up. I’m telling you: sidekick orphanage is a tumultuous experience. I wish it on no one. “I really had a dream of the two of us standing in the finals,” Mike told us, adding, “And by ‘finals,’ I mean ‘wedding altar.’ I love him. I love him. Good God, I love my doctor.”
Outside, Erika told Janelle, “You’re going to be fine.” Unfortunately, in ErikaSpeak, that usually means, “Yeah, you’re screwed.” I would not be lying if I told you a wave of anxiety overtook me at that moment. Erika further cemented my fears when she said that Janelle will most likely win the second round — “I have all the faith in the world that that girl will.” This was bad news. Bad news indeed.
Suddenly, we heard sad music, and we knew it was time to watch a mournful Boogie mope around the house. “I’ve never been in the Big Brother house in two seasons without Will,” he said, ultimately crying in the diary room. The power of a bro-mance can never be underestimated. Boogie then opened up a closet, pulled out a hanger with his and Will’s shirts on it, and clutched it against his heart, inhaling all the man fumes and musky memories. He then broke into tears and uttered, “Will, I swear…” It was beautiful.
Okay, maybe it didn’t get that Brokeback-y, but Mike did resurrect the phone bit one last time, calling his Master over and over again, but alas, no answer! Just like the way it is outside the Big Brother house. And with that, we faded to black. The Chenbot came back on screen, and I thought she’d be all smiles and cheeriness, but she too seemed incredibly somber as she took us to commercial. Looks like somebody ran her BoogieSympathy.exe application.
“Hello, is this the sidekick emergency line? My Master’s gone missing. Please send help!”
After the break, it was time for the second part of the HOH competition, which was certainly the most dramatic looking event of the season, possibly the series. At first, all we saw was a hanging Pontiac Solstice… and lasers! And smoke! And mirrors! And Lance Burton! Oh wait, no, that was just in my mind. Yes, this was a super elaborate timed event, the winner of which would earn “a new level of confidence” by taking home a new Pontiac Solstice. Well! How can you not be excited about that? A new level of confidence? Huzzah!
Basically, the way this worked was that the first person to finish this challenge under five minutes would win the car. However, if neither Mike nor Janelle could complete the task within five minutes, Erika would take home the car / new level of confidence. So here’s how this game worked. There was a giant rig hanging above the yard, and the names of six past Big Brother winners were located all around it. Above each name was a small moveable mirror. Once the player was in position (Janelle and Mike would be suspended in a harness up at the rig’s level) a laser beam would strike the mirror of the first Big Brother winner (Eddie). The clock would then start, and players would have to adjust each mirror to aim the laser at the next winner of the game. Once the laser was reflecting to all the winners in the proper order, players had to press a button to signify that they were done.
Okay, first complaint about this challenge. Actually, only complaint, really. It was too easy! Yeah, it looked great, but putting the Big Brother winners in the proper order? Not difficult at all. “Order challenges” are all about confusing the house guests — making them go back over and over again until they get it right. That’s where the excitement is. Nevertheless, first up to tackle this hanging puzzle was Janelle, who right out of the gate told us she was having trouble pulling herself around to different mirrors. Plus, she struggled with Jun’s mirror — unable to tell if the laser was properly hitting Drew’s target. Eventually, she slammed down the button and smoke filled the backyard. I couldn’t tell if she had done well or not, but all the fiddling with Jun’s mirror had me very concerned.
Next was Boogie, and off the bat, he was doing well. The producers even cued up some rockin’ guitars to emphasize how fast he was going. I could only hope this was massive misdirection. He did have a few problems with Lisa’s mirror, causing him to say, “I went back, tightened Will’s thing, repositioned it.” And I’m sure that’s not the first time he’s said that about Will! Rimshot!!! I’m here all night, people. Tips in the jar.
Well, Mike pressed his button, but unlike Janelle, he received no triumphant cloud of smoke. I couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I decided it was bad. Turns out I was right. Mike’s time was an impressive 1:57. Sadly, Janelle choked and pulled off an underwhelming 3:45. DAMMIT! Looks like Mike’s won himself a new level of confidence!
“Mom, I got the car for you!!” he yelled victoriously. Finally, Bonnie Malin has something to be proud of.
Boogie then hopped in the Solstice and whooped it up as the producers raised the car back up to the heavens — kind of like a really lame version of Grease. I personally was hoping one of the chains would snap and the car would plummet to the ground, but alas, it held firm, allowing Boogie to stare at the camera and yell, “GM Pontiac Solstice BABY!!!” Who did he say was the ho again?
Later, Erika and Boogie talked about maybe going to the final two together. Mike noted that if Erika were to win and evict him, she’d lose Chill Town votes in the jury. “I HATE HIM!!!” Erika complained to us, but sadly she added, “And I hate the fact that I’m still attracted to him because I hate him so much!!!” Don’t worry, Erika. I’m sure your attraction will be summarily expunged once you hear all the things he’s been saying about you (and/or you return to the outside world and realize that there are in fact men out there who don’t look like Igor with a headband).
The Chenbot then returned to the screen and asked Janelle if she missed Will. Janey said yes, and when Julie posed the same question to Mike, you could almost see his heart break all over again. I’m shocked he didn’t get down on his knees right there and plead, “Let him back in, Julie! Take me, not him!!! I don’t deserve this!!!”
Adding insult to injury, The Chenbot declared, “The bro-mance is over!” Nice use of BB slang, Julie! Whoever updated her User Dictionary deserves accolades!
Next, Julie suddenly got all personal by asking Erika why she and Boogie weren’t sharing a bed anymore. Huminah huminah huminah. “It’s really hard. It’s really hard in here,” Erika said. Double-entendre intended, I’m sure!
Finally, The Chenbot wrapped up this inane banter, but not before executing a perfect ChenFlub: “Thank you house guests. I’ll be back to talk… with… [hourglass on screen]… you in a lit- little bit,” she said, stumbling through her words. A lovely touch to what was turning into a miserable episode.
After the commercial break, we checked in on the jury house, which seemed to be located on some suburban street in Simi Valley. Life with the evicted souls seemed to be okay, surely less intense than on Tuesday when George and Howie nearly scuffled. We saw Dani and Chicken George cooking up breakfast for the gang (that is, when they weren’t busy holding items for James, who seemed to be clearing out the fridge with reckless abandon). A little later, they all stood out by the gate, waiting to see who would be next to join their ranks. Dumb quips were made all around (ie. James saying, “Do we have enough ice cream for Janelle?”), and then George told us, “I’ve been waiting for the pizza delivery man for like five days, and I still haven’t seen him!” Looks like the slop-induced delusions continue. Cut to five years from now as George rocks his body back and forth, muttering, “The pizza man is coming. The pizza man is coming. He’s coming to see me. He’ll fix everything. Yes, he will. The pizza man will.”
Well, Will walked through the gate, and everyone was thrilled, especially Marcellas and Howie, the latter of which planted a big kiss on his cheek. “I got the worst boot in the history of Big Brother,” Will said, perhaps stretching the truth a bit. It was actually one of the best evictions in the history of the show. Not sure what the worst was. Probably James vs. Sarah last year. Or Jase over Will this season. Thoughts?
Anyway, everyone gathered by the TV and watched Will’s downfall. Danielle seemed perplexed as to why Mike put Will on the block. She took some sort of satisfaction out of seeing the sidekick betray the Master, but I’m not sure she realized that was Mike’s only move. It’s like going up to a baseball player who’s just advanced from first to second and declaring, “AH HA!!! I knew you’d run to second base!” Forced analogy. I apologize.
We then relived Janelle’s wonderful eviction speech, and when she said, “For Marcellas and Howie,” James completely entered his bitch-mode and complained, “Completely trying to get votes!” Of course, had she mentioned his name, he would have loved it. James Rhine? More like James WHINE! Zing!!!
For the record, Danielle also agreed with James (I personally thought it was genuine, just based on what Janelle had been saying in the diary rooms), but Marcellas and Howie didn’t care. The two clapped and slapped five, and Marcellas relished having Will’s ouster dedicated to him, even if Howie’s name was somehow attached.
But enough with this silly sequester house. It was now time for round three of the HOH competition. The rules were simple. Julie would begin reading a statement from each former house guest in the jury, and the players would have to guess how each person completed the sentence (it was your standard chose-between-A-or-B situation). For the first question, Julie read, “George said ‘The most annoying thing about the house was’ a) ‘Howie’; or b) ‘the mess.’” Erika and Mike both answered B, which was correct. 1-1. My heart rate: embarrassingly fast.
Question two: “Danielle said ‘The moment in the house I’m afraid to have my friends and family see is’ a) ‘when I was drunk’; or b) ‘when I cried for two days straight.’” This time, Erika and Mike both answered A, and again, they were correct, bringing the score to 2-2. My heart still beating hard.
Question three: “Will said ‘The most shocking moment in the house was’ a) ‘the fast forward eviction,’; or b) ‘my own eviction.’” At last, we had a split. Mike said A, Erika said B, and the correct answer was… (hold on, random flames on the screen)… A.
Score was now 3-2, advantage Mike, and my heart was rapidly sinking. This couldn’t be happening. That new level of confidence seemed to be working indeed!
Question four: “Marcellas said ‘The most annoying thing about the house was’ a) ‘absolutely everything’; or b) ‘Mike and Will’s love affair.’” Oh, c’mon, Erika. B! B! B! But alas, both said A, preserving the 3-2 lead.
Question five: “James said ‘The hottest girl in the house was’ a) ‘Diane’; or b) ‘Marcellas.’” Sure enough, the answer was B. Both got it right, and now we were at 4-3, with Mike still in the lead. This was looking very, very bad.
Now we were down to the last question. “Howie said ‘The most shocking moment in the house was’ a) ‘when Chill Town threw me under the bus’; or b) ‘George winning HOH.’” Erika and Mike both answered B, and at that point, it didn’t even matter the results (they were both right). The worst case scenario came true (for me at least): Mike won the final HOH! DAMMIT!!!
“That’s for you, WILL!” he yelled out, hoping that somewhere, his Master was listening. Even though nothing was for certain yet, one look at Janelle, and she could tell she was on the way out. As we went to commercial, Mike then yelled “What’s up, CONCORD!!!” which didn’t really have the same caché of a rapper giving a shout out to Crenshaw or Inglewood. I don’t know why, really. Concord does have some mean streets. Just look at Boogie. He’s seen the gritty Concord ghetto and lived to tell about it. He’s a survivor, man. A survivor.
After the break, it was time for Mike’s big decision. The girls each had a chance to make one last plea, and Erika started things off by saying, “You know I’ve always had your back.” Well, at least starting about three minutes ago. Nevertheless, she reiterated that Mike had a better chance winning against her than Janelle, but when it was Janey’s turn to speak, she challenged that notion. She said that since Erika duped Chill Town, she’d be seen as a hero and would therefore be hard to beat. Janelle then argued that since she was so easily influenced, people wouldn’t vote for her. Yeah, um, no. It was a nice try, Janelle, but unless you could have cast some magic spell, there was no way you could talk your way out of your inevitable fate.
Sure enough, Mike stood up, and after wishing happy birthday to his Dolce business partner (seriously, shut up), he said that he wasn’t out to play for vengeance. Hence, Erika was safe, and Janelle, well, “I love you but have to evict you, sweetie,” he said. And that sound was hearts breaking across the country for the second year in a row.
“It’s fine,” Janelle said. “I love you too!” Translation: I HATE YOU.
The trio then walked Janey to the door, and just before she left, Mike gave her “one last spin” and asked “Who’s the prettiest girl???” I’m not sure, but wasn’t that a Will thing? Was the sidekick trying to take over the Master’s schtick? I could be wrong though. Nevertheless, Boogie then said “You deserve to win, sweetheart” (THANKS) and promised, “We’re gonna have a lot of fun. Champagne at Les Deux!” he said, referring to one of his restaurants in Los Angeles. Amusingly, he pronounced “Les Deux” like “Lay Doo” (which sounded like he was saying “The soft ones” in French). Yes, that’s right. Mike Boogie doesn’t know how to say his own restaurant properly. Well done!
As soon as Janelle was out the door, Erika and Boogie kissed passionately on the lips, which I guess meant that baby was back on the fast track.
“Did that just happen?” he asked, echoing the sentiments of millions of people across the country, I’m sure.
During the post-eviction interview, Julie revealed that Janelle’s won more competitions than anyone else in a single season (no shocker there), and when asked what her major flaw was this season, Janelle said it was that she trusted too many people. Yes, starting with Kaysar and his insistence on keeping Chill Town around. She then said her biggest mistake was putting Marcellas up because Chill Town screwed him out of the house, and as for her true feelings towards Dr. Will? “Oh Julie!” Janey blushed. “I’m not going to say that right now… I’m too embarrassed!”
We then watched the goodbye videos, which started off with Boogie lamenting Janelle’s ouster. He said he was really hoping for Chill Town to go all the way with Janelle because the three of them were the few people who actually seemed to “get it” in life. Alas, it was not meant to be. “I’m really sorry that Scrub-ika had to get in the middle of it and ruin it all for us,” he said. Can’t wait for Julie to read that one back on the live finale!
And with that, Janelle was ushered off into the trivia books. I tell you, I watched this episode earlier for the Live Blog, and it was painful then, but it was even worse having to sit through it a second time to take notes. At least the first time I had some sense of optimism mixed with my dread. The second viewing, however, was purely awful. Probably the worst hour of the summer (except for maybe that time I watched 200 Pound Tumor).
Anyway, the show ended with the Chenbot chatting it up with the finalists. Julie asked which votes they felt they definitely had. Mike said Will, Erika said Howie, and I said “Feh!” As for the jurors they were most worried about, both said Danielle and James, with Erika putting more emphasis on Dani. And with that, Julie bid us adieu, and we watched the two remaining house guests revel in their victory under the closing credits.
Just before they went off the air, Mike suddenly yelled out, “Cheers Restaurant in Concord, NH is off the HOOK right now!!!” And so now we go live to Cheers Restaurant in Concord:
Looks like I’ll be rooting for Erika, which isn’t such a bad thing — especially after she showed her scheming chops on Tuesday’s episode. But it’s hard to feel excited about her when someone like Janey’s shown the door. Oh well. What did you think about this episode? Sad to see Janey go? Happy to see Boogie make it to the end? Will Erika go home with the money?