Big Brother: The Case of the Sad, Slick, Sneaky-Snake’s Surreptitious Sayonara

I can’t believe it’s summer already! Beach trips, cookouts, and Big Brother! I’ve waited a year for this and I’m not going to miss a thing. Today I took a swim at Coney Island and then walked around shirtless for a while in Chelsea and then came right back here for a heaping helping of Summer’s greatest treat, Big Brother. It was a little brisk out today, but I still got a tan.

Get this guy a towel.

With Parker and Jen in control this week, Ryan is sweating a sigh of relief knowing that he will be safe considering his life partner is making the choice with her CBS chosen show-partner, Parker. Moose is fidgety and anxious, mostly from the coke, but also because he knows that his tenuous relationship with Sheila is causing a disturbance in the Big Brother force.

To win over the crowd, Moose starts talking about what a good person he is, including the non-profit he started that gives haircuts to kids with special needs. He continues, unfortunately, and says, “So the retards can get it together and get their hair done.” An awkward pause follows before Sheila advises Moose not to use that word, but Moose feels that working the mentally challenged gives him the right to call them whatever he wants. Matt, while still a douchebag, knows enough to stay out of this conversation.

Well, it is good to know that there is someone for retard hair. And I’m not surprised that it’s Moose.

During Sheila’s talking head she admits that she does have friends and family who are mentally challenged. I’m assuming most of them were also Penthouse Pets. Sheila is trying to fit in with the girls, with her hair in pigtails, sucking on a lollipop and drinking a red bull. She confesses to her girlfriends that she doesn’t want to go home and finds Adam too creepy to continue as his partner. While she’s going on about how one of her best friends has Downs Syndrome (probably Hugh Heffner) Adam lumbers in to retrieve some moose chow from the fridge.

Sheila takes the opportunity to sit down with him and explain why what he said was so wrong. Adam feels that since the kids are retarded, he should be allowed to call them retards, just like the way he calls Japanese people JAPS, calls his Israeli friend IZI, and calls Jewish people dirty, greedy, lying JEW bastards. Sheila uses herself as an example saying that whereas she is haggard and slutty, people shouldn’t call her a hag or a slut.

How bout whiney and obnoxious?

Allison is sitting cross-legged on the counter telling Ryan that she feels as though she and him have a very weird, instant connection. Ryan stumbles and fumbles over his words while continuing to look over at his girlfriend Jen. Allison asks if she is his type, and Ryan replies that that everything he has seen so far makes him feel that in the right conditions, under the right circumstances and in dim lighting that yes she could be his type, potentially, someday, maybe. Allison giggles at his profession of love and goes on to say that she is a tomcat in the sack and he could do anything he wanted to her and he could even videotape it. “I mean seriously, you could like poop on me.”

Jen later confesses that Ryan is her nutter-butter-peanut-butter-sugar-boogar and he means everything to her. She says it’s very hard being separated from him and especially hard watching him poop on Allison’s chest in the next bed.

Later, Ryan and Jen steal a moment to chat as a couple about the odd predicament they are in. Parker asked her earlier if she minded if he sleeps in only boxers and Jen told him that he can sleep in anything he wants since she will not be cuddling with him considering they’re not even the same race and God wouldn’t approve. Ryan admits that it feels odd going to bed with Allison, especially considering she sleeps in a zipper mask and an “If I Could Turn Back Time” Cher harness every night.

Being in a sleeping bag doesn’t mean you have to sleep face down on the floor, Al.

Jen tries to keep Ryan’s head in the game and tells him not think about it and keep his mind on the half-million dollar prize and all the Ikea trips they can make with that money. Jen is having a very hard time keeping the secret too, but she is finding stolen moments to sneak a kiss with Ryan every chance she can get the way Hitler and Dr. Mengele used to.

The next day the majority of the house guests are pumping iron in the yard while Amanda and Alex re-enact scenes from Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor. Alex admits that when he heard Julie say that Amanda was going to be his partner, he wanted to give Julie a great big lube job as a thank you. Later Allison does a running man dance in front of a the gay guys and they comment on the enormous swing on her back porch, but Alex comes to her defense saying that she’s more than just a great butt, she’s teeth and hair too. Amanda comments that Alex may very well be her soul mate since they were both put in the house for a reason and Les Moonves works in mysterious ways.

In the back yard, Jacob is confiding in his “boys,” Ryan and Moose, that he trusts them because they are real, but the only other guy he trusts in the house is Alex, obviously stating that gay men don’t really exist: Like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster or government funded health care. Jacob confesses in his talking head that he just likes stirring stuff up, which isn’t even the most interesting part of his interview. The really interesting part is his odd freckle pattern on his left arm and the fact that Jacob sounds gayer than Liberace on Christmas when he speaks.

I swear if you zoom in on that freckle pattern it’s going to be in the shape of Paul Lind.

Jacob goes on to tell the guys that the worst possible couple in the house got HOH, causing Ryan to freeze and try to hold back from crushing Jacob like a gnat. Jacob insists that he doesn’t trust Parker since he is just in the house for the money, and all of the rest of them are there to end the political unrest in Darfur.

Jen joins the circle jerk and Jacob continues, telling her that her partner is gutless and heartless like a disembodied floating head, but not nearly as cool. Jen confesses later that she’s worried that there will be a target on her back if people do not like her partner; the way deer always ram her car because of Ryan’s propensity for hunting. Jen immediately fakes a contact mishap to get away from the group before Jacob’s shrill disagreeable voice whines anything else.

Once inside Jen runs into Joshuah and we all know chicks tell their hairdresser everything. While recounting the conversation to Joshuah, Parker walks in followed the pizza delivery guy and a meter maid and they all get down Jenna Jameson style. After that’s all mopped up, Jen tells Parker that they have a situation. Everyone has been calling him a sneaky-snake, but being a paparazzo, Parker never turns down a good confrontation. He heads outside to confront the guys, just like he would do with Britney or Paris, and Jen bounds behind him giddy that there’s going to be a fight. “Don’t mess with my partner! He’s big! He’s black! And he’ll kick the shit outta you!”

OMG I love your hoodie! No I love your hoodie!

Parker plays it cool as he walks into the back yard between the guys and starts playing pool. Jacob nervously babbles on about how cold it is outside. “I’ll tell ya what’s cold as shit. Korea is cold as shit. Ice cubes are cold. Ever stuck your tongue on one of those bad boys? It’ll stick right to it, it’s so cold. I won’t make that mistake again. 7 stitches.” Parker continues shooting pool as he tells Jacob that what is really cold is the fact that Jacob didn’t think his partner would come back and tell him everything that was said. Not actually cold, but he made his point.

Jacobs sits frozen, like a deer in Ryan’s crosshairs, until Parker asks him who has been telling Jacob that Parker is a sneaky snake. Jacob says that under the constitution he doesn’t have to reveal his source, so Parker decides to wake up everyone in the house to get to the bottom of the situation. Nothing wins friends like waking them up at 3 AM.

Parker calls everyone to the living room for a family meeting to find out who has been talking behind his back, other than Flipit and myself. Parker demands that anyone who has an issue with him say it to his face directly, obviously not realizing how much more fun it is to talk about someone behind their back. Parker asks Jacob to single out the person he “overheard” call Parker a snake, but Jacob insists that he is doing the right thing by protecting that freckly-armed, greasy-haired momma’s boy.

The house guests, most still groggy and pissed at having been woken up, try to make Jacob call out the person and when he won’t, say that it sounds as though he is the one that called Parker a snake but doesn’t have the hairless, shrunken balls to admit it. Sharon tells the camera later that she was completely blindsided since she was woken from a delightful dream where she was playing billiards with Angelina Jolie to find that her partner was putting a target on her team.

The mushroom from Super Mario Brothers has a gambling problem and a fat date.

Later in the HOH room, Jen tells Parker that she’s very proud of the way he handled the situation without resorting to violence like she had seen most black men do on the TV. Downstairs, Jacob crawls in bed and it’s just like when he and Sharon were dating. She starts blaming him for his stupid actions, for ruining her life and insulting his miniscule genitalia.

The next day Sharon decides to take matters into her own hands and have a conversation with Parker. She devises a plan and pulls him aside to tell him that she was sworn to secrecy by the guy who called Parker a sneaky snake, but she will shake her head yes or no if he says names. Parker goes through the list naming all of the guys, once again excluding the second class citizen gays, until he gets to Ryan’s name where Sharon nods her head. Parker is confused and bewildered because he thought that he and Ryan were getting along really well. How could Ryan have betrayed him so? It just doesn’t add up. How could Ryan, the one man he ever loved, hurt him?

Later Parker and Jen are lying on the hammock where Parker recounts the conversation with Sharon and the shocking confession she made about his boy Ryan. In the confessional booth Jen says that she wanted to keep her relationship with Ryan a secret, but with Parker gunning for Ryan’s eviction she feels she has to come clean, and in turn place an enormo target on her and Ryan’s head. Jen pulls Parker to the side and admits that she’s been getting it hard from behind from Ryan for about a year. Parker is shocked but sees the benefits of having a teammate with a built-in partner in the game. Ryan brings his sexy, fat ass over to the conversation and Jen confesses her admission to Parker, but makes Parker swear not to tell anyone. If past seasons have taught us anything, people in this house are great at keeping their word.

Can I tell you guys a secret? I really have a fat neck, but my facial hair makes it look like it’s just a really angular chin. Don’t tell!

Ryan feels that he has to tell his partner the truth as it would only be fair, and if past seasons have taught us anything, playing fair makes you win the game. Ryan takes Allison to the hammock and sits down next to her, causing Allison to propel out of the hammock and across the 8-foot fence, landing directly in the middle of the 101.

Where she banged her face again. Hard.

When she is brought back in the house, Ryan takes the chance to tell her that he and Jen are dating and he has been getting it hard from behind from Jen for about a year. Allison isn’t thrilled by this little turn of events fearing that anything she says, is going to go back to Jen and Parker. Allison also admits that she’s bummed that Ryan is dating someone because she had plans for him that involved 8 quaaludes, a donkey, and a blowtorch once they got out of the house. Ryan quells Allison’s fears saying that the four of them will be partners and best of friends, taking each other to the end. We immediately cut to talking heads of all four, saying that they do not trust each other.

Sheila and Moose are in their sleeping bag on the living room floor as Moose snores like a Roto-Rooter and Sheila takes every opportunity to bitch about it. Jen enters the living room to ask if the house got some kind of new power generator, but Sheila tells her that it was her “soul mate” snoring. In confession, Jen comments that Sheila needs to shake out Mr. Bad Feeling and Shake in Mr. Good because she’s bringing the entire house down.

Never mind. Bitch all you want. You’ve earned it.

As Jacob wanders by the screen in the living room he notices that it has changed to state that there will be an eviction today. Jen enters the bedroom to find Parker weeping into his greasy pillow. Jen and Parker both admit that it’s too soon to have to say goodbye to someone since they really like everyone in the house and everyone is really super nice. Except Sheila. They could both say goodbye to Sheila.

Everyone gathers in the living room for Parker and Jen to announce their eviction. As the first ever Power Couple, they have the ability to immediately evict a couple from the house and after much deliberation, thumb warring, and tickle fights, they have come to a decision. Jen makes the speech, all the while weeping like she’s sending the couple to the gas chamber.

Or, at least, she pretends to weep. Thanks for tryin’. That was real sweet of ya.

She says that she feels really bad for the female in the couple because she’s just in a bad situation, but Parker and Jen can’t overlook something that happened in the house. Sheila squirms awkwardly prepared to rise and exit, while Moose simply sits with a vacant stare in his beady little eyes like a raptor focusing on Laura Dern. Jen says that it’s nothing personal, but she and Parker have chosen to evict Jacob and Sharon. Sheila starts to get up and then plops her fat ass back into the seat, amazed that she’s safe for another week.

Everyone takes their turn hugging the couple as they leave before exhaling a sigh of relief when Jacob is finally gone. Jen continues to cry and exclaims to the heavens, “Why, God, why? Why did she have to be with him?” the exact way Sharon’s mother used to. Moose is giddy and coke-faced that Jacob took a bullet for him, but Sheila can’t feel a moment of relief since she’s still stuck with a loser with kinky hair and smoker’s breath that quite frankly isn’t even that great of a lover.

It’s time for the next HOH competition and all of the house guests enter the backyard screaming like they’re at a Jonas Brother’s concert. They find a makeshift lake set up in the backyard with several boats tied to the frighteningly non-structurally sound dock. Jen and Parker are allowed to compete again since they weren’t actually HOH, rather the power couple. Since this season is all about love, Big Brother thought it only fitting that a couple who had found love in the Big Brother house should host the competition. Come on out here Chicken George and Dr Will! What? No? I thought I saw sparks. Anyway, it’s actually last year’s eyebrow moving mole Eric and cutie-pie Jessica, arm in arm and still together after all these yea….months.

Booya, Irock!

The competition is a bastardization of the Newlywed game with each couple being separated and the asked how the other would respond to a question.

The first question: “If you could describe your first impression of your soul mate with a road sign, what would it be: Full speed ahead, bumpy road ahead, or turn back now?” but unfortunately formerly hot but now ragingly bitchy and kinky-headed albino weren’t on the list. The ladies and Neil inside the house come back out and every one of them answered full speed ahead, except Sheila who uncharacteristically acted bitchy and said turn back now. Surprisingly everyone gets the question right, including Sheila who takes the win as a chance to rub her saggy boobs against Moose’s pasty face.

Next question: “What Physical trait would turn you off the most: bad teeth, leg hair, a spare tire, or a unibrow?” Natalie and Matt match answers with bad teeth. Joshuah and Neil differ in opinion since Neil assumed Joshuah would be turned off by a unibrow but actually chose bad teeth. Neil doesn’t know that Joshua dated a Persian kanish-cart owner for 2 years. Chelsia and James match, not just hepatitis letters but also answers. Amanda and Alex differ between her choice of bad teeth and Alex’s assumption that she would despise a unibrow. Little does he know that Amanda saw the movie Frida 6 times just to admire the craftsmanship of that glorious brow.

What, they didn’t say they hate America’s Eyebrows. On camera.

Sheila chose a spare tire but Adam knew she hated so many things it was really hard for him to pick, so he took a shot in the dark and went with bad teeth. With Ryan and Allison, the age-old debate between bad teeth and unibrow causes them to lose as well. Jen went with hairy legs, but Parker actually likes that Mediterranean look and went with a unibrow.

Next question: “Which of the following would be your ultimate fantasy: Naughty nurse, innocent cheerleader, flexible gymnast or strict dominator?” At this point I’m really anxious to see which one the gays choose because naughty nurses and cheerleaders aren’t that big in our culture. Angry cops and barely legal runaways are our fantasies dujour. However Neil chooses gymnast, but Joshuah deflates his ego by choosing cheerleader, based solely on his desire to star in Bring It On 4: Bringin’ It Hard From Behind. Chelsia also thought James would like a gymnast, but underestimated his desire to be healed of his chronic e-coli by a naughty nurse.

Amanda and Alex match on their monkey bar fantasy, but Sheila and Moose simply can’t get anything right differing between her naughty nurse fantasy and his desire to be beat severely about the head and neck by a dominatrix twice his age. Ryan and Allison hit the mark since he likes underage cheerleaders and she likes to pretend she’s getting raped. Parker is a typical guy who likes a naughty nurse, but Jen assumed he liked to be beaten since he’s a paparazzo. Matt is also a typical Jersey douche who watched his dad’s nurse porn collection from the sixties, and Natalie, like all of America, could tell that about him.

Someone popped a boner!

For the next question, the guys and Joshuah go inside and the ladies and Neil…..I’m assuming Neil’s a bottom so let’s just call him a woman to make this easier on everybody from here on out….” If you could change one part of your body, which would it be: Your face, your butt, your chest or your thighs?” Chelsia and James match since they both hate her breasts. Alex assumed that Amanda hated badonkadonk, but Amanda actually would prefer to get rid of her busted grill.

Moose and Sheila finally get one right since they both think she has a hugely annoying butt. Ryan and Allison differ between his distaste for her greasy breasts and her hatred of her flabby, tattooed ass, as do Parker and Jen. Natalie and Matt come close with thighs and butt, but not close enough to get any points. Of course the gays get things right since all gay men care about are their asses. That’s true. We really, really do.

The guys go back inside and the ladies are asked, “In your wildest fantasy who would you most like to see show up on your doorstep: the pool boy, pizza boy, gardener or the cable guy?” Every guy chooses pool boy, and every single team gets this question absolutely 100% correct, across the board. No exceptions. Except Chelsia and James. She would prefer a 12 inch Italian on her doorstep.

I left the freeway underpass for this?

The last question is asked after all the guys go in the house. “Which of the following celebrity types best describes your personality: Bitchy underwear model, narcissistic athlete, rebellious rocker, or pretentious royalty?” The only teams that have a chance to win based on their current points are Amanda and Alex, Ryan and Allison and Matt and Natalie. Alex assumes Amanda thinks she’s an athlete since she wears sports bras and spandex a lot despite her muffin top and he’s absolutely right.

Ryan chose royalty, but Allison seems to think she’s some kind of rock star pharmaceutical sales rep, so they are out of the game. Matt sees Natalie as a rock star, but unfortunately she thinks she’s an athlete since she won a game of foozball that one time, so they are also out, leaving Alex and Amanda as the new co-Heads of Household.

Uh….

So, that’s it. There’s a lot of talk about strategy and who to trust but we all know that neither of those things mean a thing in this house. It’s all up in the air and it’s still anybody’s game, except Jacob and Sharon’s who were already booted without so much as a binary hello from the Chenbot. What do you think so far? Do you have a favorite already? Is there any former model you wish would just shut the hell up? Is it weird that I am so turned on by Ryan? Let’s discuss.