Is it Season 10 Yet?

Previously on Big Brother:

Although we’ve COME, To the eeeennd ooofff the road, still I can’t let go……

With Moose and Sharon on the block this week, Natalie thinks she’s is totally safe since Sheila promised to not put her on the block. What Natalie doesn’t realize is that Sheila used to run with the Hell’s Angels and during that time she learned a lot about the back door sneak attack. Natalie is so confident that she is safe this week that she tells Moose that she will be sure to vote for him to stay so he has nothing to worry about, thinking she will not be on that block come Thursday.

Natalie does her impression of a blow-up doll complete with the open mouth and dead eyes.

In Sheila’s HOH room the ladies are having a taco fest, sausage not allowed. Sheila takes this opportunity for some first week Adam bashing but this time just for show as she wants the ladies to think that she’s all about girl power. She actually wants to take Moose to the end of the game with her since she knows an uncircumcised man has never won Big Brother, other than Maggie back in season 6.

I WAS BORN WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO MODULATE THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! IT’S ACTUALLY QUITE DEBILITATING!”

Sheila is hell bent on sending Natalie out of the house this week, and Moose knows that but he is still being a soggy little bitch about being put on the block like a sacrificial ham. He doesn’t directly tell Sheila that he’s angry at her but she can tell by the way he won’t make eye contact, with either eye, and this frustrates Sheila since he’s being such a big baby. Let’s take a flashback to last week, shall we?

“I would never do that to him.”

While Ryan and Moose stare blankly at the chessboard they receive a message from above. Not from God no matter what Natalie thinks, but from the television screen which warns them that the POV will be later tonight. Sheila states that Natalie can’t win this POV to make sure that she gets her bubble ass out of the house.

“We should really learn how to play this.”

“Word.”

While getting pumped for the competition Natalie stops by to coach Ryan and Moose on the fact that Team Christ has to stay in power and therefore must win the POV. She states that she had a vision about one of them winning so it has to happen or God will have lied to her which will negate his existence causing her to rethink everything in her life, and she hates to think.

“If I don’t abort them in time.”

It’stimeforthevetocompetition!!! This is one of those POVs where each player has to enter the backyard separately and the times are compared later. This game consists of nine television screens placed Brady Bunch style and each player has to change the channel until the screens make one cohesive image. Natalie is up first and she is a complete and total idiot, which is like saying water is watery. She finally completes the task and cheers for herself stating that she is “a visual learner” like chimps and charmed cobras.

Team Chris T.

Each player gets his or her turn before Sheila brings everyone back out of the house to reveal their times. She comes in last place stating that she was distracted by the pictures of sexy Evel Dick on the screen, Natalie comes in second to last because she’s so stupid she can’t even lose best, Ryan comes in surprisingly fast for such a big, dumb idiot with 6:01, Sharon rates a respectable 4:56 but Moose takes the taco with a time of 3:20 making him the POV holder! Natalie is thrilled that Moose won since she did not want Sharon to win because she would have had to go head to mal-formed head with Moose on the block and wouldn’t be assured safety in that situation. Little does she know everyone, including America, hates her and wants her to go anyway.

Adam: Glory Hole Enthusiast

After the POV Natalie immediately starts sweating her balls off beginning to fear that she will be stabbed in the back. She starts chatting up the boys, using every item in her artillery like her baby doll voice, boobs, and fake crying. Ryan is able to worm away from Natalie long enough to talk to Sharon and Sheila in the HOH room to assure that he is safe.

I’d still bang him. Moobs and all.

The next day Natalie is in the pool talking to the boys about God’s plan for her, which involves her being on a reality show. Sharon and Sheila stare at Natalie floating buoyantly in the pool and whisper about how much they hate her plastic ass. Natalie sees this whispering and begins to wonder if she is indeed safe.

“At least Matty still loves me. What? Hung himself with his shoe laces?”

To ensure said safety Natalie later visits Sheila in the HOH room to restate the idea of girl power. Sheila reminds Natalie that she made a deal with Ryan first to not put him on the block since he saved her last week and Natalie is the only choice left. Natalie is beginning to realize that her strong gameplay, beauty and natural charisma have put a huge target on her back and people will soon want her out of the house. Soon is now, honey. Natalie tells Sheila that she regrets letting go during the HOH room because that act may come back to bite her in her perfectly round, bubble ass. Sheila reassures Natalie that she is safe and everyone has her back in this game, and they all love her as much as God does. Sheila later states that she regrets lying but it had to be done.

We salute you HOH Room bathroom vanity mirror camera guy. You’re doing God’s work.

Today is Sheila’s big nine oh birthday so everyone in the house decides to throw her a surprise party in the back yard, complete with streamers, cake and silly hats. Sheila also received a letter for her birthday, but this one isn’t from her monosyllabic son. It’s from her polysyllabic mother. Sheila hasn’t spoken to her mother in quite some time and begins to cry reading that her mother is proud of her and has watched all nine seasons of Big Brother. Sheila states that now she can have a relationship with her mother again since she knows that her mother has the same horrible taste in television as Sheila.

Moose becomes overjoyed and passes out from excitement when Sheila successfully makes a balloon giraffe.

Back in the house Sharon takes a chance to plant a seed with Moose that she should be taken to the end. She uses simple math to confuse Moose by telling him that she will only have three votes from the Jury House in the end, Chelsia, James and Josh, so whoever is standing next to her on the final episode is guaranteed to win. Sharon leaves Moose to think about this and count on his fingers to see if she is right.

“Ever feel like your hands are made of sand?”

It would seem that everyone is taking their opportunity to confuse Moose since Ryan pulls him into the backyard and tells him that they should go to the final two together. He tells Moose that Sharon will have three guaranteed votes so it would be stupid to take her and smarter to take someone who would split those votes for a better chance. Moose starts to get that worried look on his face whenever someone mentions complex math equations.

From the look of that neck Sheila just unhinged her jaw and swallowed one of those poor gophers.

Back in the house Sheila takes a chance to question the boys about their loyalties. Moose states that he’s still not sure how to vote. Sheila is vehemently opposed to the idea of having to make a choice in a split vote because she knows that this will place blood on her hands and mar her good name in the Jury House. Moose continues to antagonize Sheila with the idea of splitting the vote until Sheila tells Moose that she will put Ryan up instead just to be spiteful with Ryan standing only feet away from her. Sheila leaves the conversation so that Ryan and Moose can continue to debate the merits of keeping Natalie in the house since they both know that she wouldn’t stand a chance if she were in the final two since everyone, including America and Matty, hates her.

For crying out loud indeed.

Moose calls everyone inside for the Veto meeting. As per the norm Sharon takes a chance to deliver her patented “if I’m meant to leave so be it, but I would like to stay” Veto speech before Moose announces that he is using the Veto on himself. Because of this Sheila has to place another nominee on the block and not surprisingly places Natalie on the block. Natalie fake cries to earn more sympathy but it annoys everyone, including America so hopefully this chick will be going to see Matty very soon.

Luckily Natalie takes it very well.