When Big Brother All Stars was announced, we had the potential for one of the greatest events ever or a complete disaster. Yes, we were going to get to see a lot of our favorites come back into the fold, but would the show become stale since we all know how most of them are going to play? So far, I have loved this season, because the people in the house know they are going to have to play the game to get farther, but everybody is so self-aware of what’s going on that the people who actually try and play the game pay the price, as evidenced by Danielle and Alison being put on the block last week.
This week, Kaysar was named HoH, which made around 82% of America happy. I was happy to see him win because it means our beloved Janey gets to stay in the house another week, but I think Kaysar has a lot to prove. Say what you will about how intelligent he is, the last thing of importance he did on the show was get double-crossed by a woman who by all accounts did only one thing very well, and even then only until her knees bled. The way he handles his week as Head of Household might be the way he cements his legacy as genius mastermind, or overrated chump. How did he do? Let’s find out.As we all know, Alison left the house on Thursday. While Danielle was clearly the happiest person in the house after Alison left, Jannelle was just as happy, even going so far as to say that she feels totally safe because Alison was the only person in the house really going after her. Either they took that statement way out of context, or Jannelle has been getting too much sun. I know she can’t see what we see, but for a person who was so good at the game, she has to realize that winning HoH and Veto in the same week makes her a huge target to everybody in the house.
When the replay changes to color, we start to learn a few things about what saved Danielle, particularly how it came to be that Marcellas voted for Alison to leave. It turns out that the season six crew (we’re trying to come up with a good name for them in the forums asked for his vote with the promise they would target Danielle later in the game. For now, I don’t think that Danielle is that dangerous for Marcellas, but he probably wouldn’t want to hear that Jannelle considers herself on “great” terms with Danielle. For Jannelle, I think it is a smart move. She needs to start making independent allies because her alliance is going to be targeted no matter what she does.
The vote to keep Danielle was 8-2, so if you go by the reason that you’re only on bad terms with people who didn’t vote to keep you, I guess you can say that there were only two people that were NOT on good terms with Danielle. One of them was Diane, which was expected because she had been closest to Alison while she was still in the house. The other one was Nakomis. Normally, this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but Nakomis acted like she was completely blindsided by the results, and knew that not being in the loop means that she is in a very bad position.
As we know, there was a little bit of controversy with the HoH competition. Had I know that James said “fuck” I would have posted it two minutes later, but I totally missed it, and therefore the decision to post goes to the recapper of the day. Rest assured, I will be listening twice as close for swear words and/or nipples on the live shows after this and will make them available for you perusal. And as always, if I miss something, feel free to send me an e-mail.
Oh, let them celebrate!
Despite all of that, it wasn’t even the funniest thing that happened. Julie first announced that Nakomis won the nomination, and then had to sheepishly apologize to Kaysar because he was the one who won. Upon Kaysar’s win, Howie and Jannelle mobbed him, which is what James was so upset about.
Now, I understand the season six people don’t want to act too tight, because the stronger they look, the bigger target they have on their backs. That is what James got so upset about. Even Jase mentioned that it was stupid for them to do it. Remembering back to his season, he recalls when he jumped into Scott’s arms after he won the Veto after Jase’s nominations, which exposed his alliance with Scott. I kind of have to call bullshit on this. The season six alliance are going to assume to be together until one of them steps out of line and votes against the group, no matter what else happens in the house. Second, while the initial embrace with Scott might have exposed Jase, it would have only taken the houseguests another week to start wondering if Jase and Scott would move to Massachusetts after the show was over.
Seriously, doesn’t Jase look like Twilda Swinton more each day?
See what I mean?
After all the excitement cleared, Jannelle, Howie, and Kaysar got together to talk a little strategy. For some reason, Howie said that they need to send Nakomis home, but luckily Janey put some sense back into the discussion and said that Will and Mike Boogie would have to be taken care of. Howie countered that they learned a very important lesson last year, which I guess is true, because Kaysar didn’t put HoH into another person’s hands this year, but I am not sure what Howie learned, or how it applies to Nakomis. In fact, there is not one thing that Howie has done since he was introduced to America that would make me want to do anything he recommends.
Even if all logic says something is good, you should do the exact opposite of what Howie says because he is that dumb. If Howie said save the whales, Greenpeace would probably start hunting them down. If Howie started the bible, the pope would become a scientologist. If Howie went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, Little Man would have broken the box office record. Do I need to go on? it’s fun to watch him make an ass of himself, but shit, watching him read gives me a headache.
Before we saw Kaysar’s HoH room, CBS decided to spend a few minutes advertising for Dr. Will’s dermatology practice. Dr. Will is an actual doctor, and he runs clinical and cosmetic dermatology practice. To some, cosmetic dermatology might be seen as a few trips to the tanning salon, but one look at Dr. Will and we know that tanning, or sunlight are not part of any prescriptions he has written lately. No, Dr. Will is talking about Botox, and how much he thinks Howie can use it.
Us? Implants? Never!
Will even suggests that Kaysar should get some Botox, saying that he sees how Kaysar takes time to trim his goatee (and pluck his eyebrows quite clearly), saying that using Botox is much the same thing. Now trimming your goatee to so it doesn’t tickle your girlfriend is one thing, but who the hell compares it to a Botox injection. Kaysar tries to explain that you have to draw the line, and then starts disparaging cosmetic surgery. It was especially funny when he talked about putting bags in your chest full of saline, and we got a great shot of the implant twins, Jannelle and Erika looking on. Will says that it is a patient’s choice and who is he to stop them from trying to look better. Normally, I would back Dr. Will and his libertarian attitude towards his patient’s rights, but I never think it’s right to take advice from a dermatologist who is trying for a Michael Jackson skin tone.
Although Will pretends not to like Kaysar, they both look alike. Notice the hair.
Now let’s add the goatee. Hmm, Dr. Will did say he was in love with himself.
Finally, let’s pretend Will went to Palm Springs for the weekend. Are they separated at birth?
Kaysar got his HoH room, and it was a big deal because the furniture changed. Oh, and Kaysar got a sweater, which Marcellas thought would go great with Kaysar’s dark hair and dark eyes. Everybody was excited to think what their room might look like should they win. But as the people cleared out, it was once again Howie and Kaysar talking about nominations. Kaysar talked about how he beat Nakomis at chess, and then said that she didn’t think far enough ahead. Howie said “That’s HUGE”, but luckily Jannelle came in just in time to do any damage Howie did by opening his mouth.
Jannelle was more upset that James wasn’t with them. James is desperately trying to hold onto the idea that people don’t think the season six folks are that tight, but he too needs to make sure he has plenty of friends. James’ other big problem is that Jannelle really trusts Jase, which I agree with. Jase has gotten better this year, but if there is anybody who is dangerously floating between alliances, it is Jase.
One of the worst things about Big Brother All Stars is that you know there are going to be relatively few romances in the house, but something seems to be brewing with Erika and Kaysar. Erika recently broke up with Josh from Big Brother 1, and she admitted that her and her mother thought Kaysar was very dreamy last year. When asking Kaysar what sort of girl he preferred, Kaysar talked about how he doesn’t want to limit himself, yada, yada, yada, which impressed Erika a lot. Erika then asked if Kaysar had ever been in love, and she was similarly impressed with that answer.
I love Erika, but Big Brothe isn’t BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
To me, it sounded like a guy trying to get a girl with big boobs to like him, just to make the Houdini! all that much more invigorating. Simmer down kids, I’m just kidding, but the real joke is this segment, because I think Erika has found a new love, and his name is Aras. Although Erika might have been joking when she said she would marry Kaysar or be his girlfriend, she was very sincere when she said that Kaysar is going to make a woman very happy one day, which is something that mothers all over the world say when they are trying to assure their friends that their son is not gay.
Overall, the Erika/Kaysar flirt segment was kind of weak, and it was followed by another segment with Will and Howie. I’m not sure if Howie is starting to bother Will, but since the “I’ve never had a retard as a friend” comment, the insults are kind of weak. Although I admit that if there was a “Yo Mamma” featuring Howie and Dr. Will battling for attention from Wilmer Valderamma, I would watch. I can see it now:
Dr. Will “Yo mamma has so many wrinkles, people used to call her Margaret Thatcher’s ass!”
Howie “Yo mamma is so white, the sun sent her an apology letter and a get well soon card!”
Dr. Will “Yo mamma is so dumb, Mike Boogie taught her to read!”
Howie: “Your mamma is so white, the Klu Klux Klan started burning crosses in front of their own houses!”
James had the best line though, asking Howie how it was like to be the fat one this year, but Howie came pretty close, placing a piece of white bread on Dr. Will’s back, pretending that he couldn’t see it. Oh yes, that’s good. “Yo momma is so white, she uses wonderbread for camo!”. Will did OK by saying Howie should rename himself “One trick pony”, but after the white bread trick, that sort of line “pales” in comparison.
While Dr. will might not have been up to the insult challenge at this point, he was really working the game. He said all of that bullshit about being mad he wasn’t nominated, but after it was through, he was really trying to figure out what to do now that season six was in power, figuring that they would come after him. Chilltown, which now includes Jase, decided that they would go to Kaysar and offer a two or three week truce to get rid of the floaters. It was just starting to get good when Howie walked in on everything. This got Jase to scoot away because, ironically, he is trying to float by and doesn’t want to seem in a strong alliance. Good job to Howie for getting something right.
Jase finds Jannelle and tries to play it off like Chilltown was talking all this crazy talk and the deal they wanted to make. Jannelle immediately knew that it would be stupid. It sounds like a good idea to take out the floaters, but like Jannelle said, who wants to waste a week at HoH gunning for Chicken George? Jase acted like he was trying to throw everybody off the scent, but the fact is that Howie really worried him, or he never would have talked to Jannelle, which was a way for him to stay cool in the eyes of Season six.
So, we’re going to take a little hiatus from the scheming to talk about the food competition. There was a big deal this year because one of the twists was going to be the end of the PB&J diet. Hey, as long as you have enough milk and nobody’s asking you who shot Alexander Hamilton, I think PB&J is fine. Maybe the producers sensed that as well, and decided there was going to be a new food for the houseguests to loathe.
One of the more disappointing things from last year was the lack of food challenges, largely attributed to the fact that Busto was getting sick or malnourished, but there were other people who had dietary restrictions. This year, there is no worry, and after letting the folks get fattened up a little bit, Kaysar told the houseguests to split up into teams. The uniforms were overalls, and BANDANAS! I wasn’t that excited to see them, but you could see how excited it made Jase. The overalls were nice, and showed off his inhuman lats, and even got Marcellas to compare his outfit to some sort of porn set in the South, but Jase really liked being able to put the mandana back on. After all, it is the mandana that really balances out the flat-ironed hair that Jase hasn’t learned how to be rid of. That being said, I’ll let you decide exactly what you think Jase’s mandana means.
But enough of that. What about the challenge? I introduce you to “Big Brother Slop”. In the game of Slop Til You drop, the two teams of six split up into three pairs. Each pair was connected using their overalls, and had to use their mouths to pick rubber rats out of a trough of the slop. Although it was kind of gross, the slop just looked like water oatmeal. Nobody wants to put their head in oatmeal that has been sitting in the sun, but it’s not like rolling around in garbage.
After much antics, which included Mike Boogie grabbing a big handful of Diane’s ass, the team of Diane, Boogie, Will, Jase, George, and Erika beat the team of Jannelle, Nakomis, James, Howie, Danielle(who always seems to lose food competitions), and Marcellas. The losing team blamed Nakomis. To win the even, each team of two had to put two rats in the basket. Nakomis messed up early, accidentally putting her own bandana into the basket instead of a rat. The extra minute it took to find the next rat proved costly, and her team lost by less than a minute.
I should add that I had planned to do at least a week this summer eating the same thing that the Big Brother contestants ate. At the time, I thought I would have a week of PB&J, but now I have this unknown slop. I would still like to tough it out and eat a weak of slop, but I need the recipe. And if anybody would like to join in my quest, just send me an e-mail. It won’t be that bad, we can just pretend that we are extras in Oliver Twist.,
We had one more little filler segment, this time featuring Howie doing some Jedi shtick with Chicken George, who is apparently his new padawan. We got some swordplay with the pool cues and a joke about Erika’s rack, but it was quite forgettable.
Kirstie Allie will join Howie and Chicken George to stay in Episode VII: Fat Jedi
Anyway, the nominations. Kaysar starts to hear some things, and almost immediately, he asks to talk with Boogie and Dr. Will. He then goes on to say that he wants to take care of the stragglers, which is perfect for Boogie, because that is his strategy as well. Kaysar says that if they agree to nominate floaters the next week, he won’t nominate Chilltown this week. You know I think this is a dumb move for Kaysar, and I need nothing more than to see Boogie’s reaction, which was screaming in the diary room saying big of a mistake it was not to nominate Chilltown. Kaysar tries to call it not an alliance, but an arrangement. Next he said that Howie is not retarded, but mentally challenged. OK, I made the last part up , but you get my point. Arguing the semantics of the relationship is not going to help anybody, especially not Kaysar.
I had hope at the nomination ceremony because Kaysar said that it was time for a little Chaos in the house, so I was holding out hope that he was going to stab Boogie and Will in the back and nominate them, but instead he nominated Diane and Nakomis, calling them both huge threats, which I guess makes sense, but I would say that the biggest threats in the house would be people who have actually won the game. And that list starts and ends with Dr. Will.
Needless to say, I am disappointed in Kaysar’s choices. He says that he wants to see the actions and reactions of people, but putting up two floaters this early doesn’t make sense. If he really wanted to see who was lining up with whom, he would have put up Dr. Will and Nakomis. Then you can see who lines up with whom. If people rally to Nakomis, you know she is your biggest threat. If people rally to Will, you know you have to deal with him.
Putting up both of these two does nothing to find out the house allegiances, and could actually muddy the waters. Unless somebody uses the veto, we aren’t going to learn anything new about the house. Basically, Kaysar is scared of Dr. Will. To be honest, it’s a lot like last year when Howie nominated James and Sarah, but maybe worse. At least last year, Maggie had to do some work. Kaysar, owning the most powerful position in the house, acted like he was the weak player and made the deal with Will and Boogie.
Maybe they edited out Boogie talking about the deal first with Kaysar, but for Kaysar to make a deal without making the others make an offer is dumb. Will and Boogie were talking about a two or week truce and got away with one week. To me, this solidifies Kaysar as a mediocre player. He criticized Nakomis for not thinking ahead very far, but Kaysar is the other extreme. He sees the big picture but can’t parse the individual moves that it will take to get him there.
I could be wrong and this could turn into the backdoor to end all backdoors, but I doubt it. Dr. Will learned so much more from Kaysar’s lack of nuts to nominate him that it is going to make him more dangerous to Kaysar than if Will was actually nominated. Leaving Will around even one week gives him the ability to build more alliances, scheme a little bit more, not to mention work on the weaker bonds in Kaysar’s alliance. Only time will tell.
What did you think of this episode? Did Kaysar make the right nominations? Will Chilltown betray the Kaysar truce? What do you think of the Big Brother Slop? Any other good “Yo Momma” jokes for this cast?