Recap: Make Sure “Gonorrhea” Is Spelled Correctly On My Tombstone, Please

Previously on Big Brother: Everyone came to Amber’s defense because Jen had the nerve to, you know, play the game. What a bitch! You will be shocked to know that this made Amber cry. Man, I can’t wait for Dick and Joe to get all morally protective of Amber and yell at the electric company, the cop who gave her a speeding ticket that one time, and the Wendy’s Drive-thru guy who accidentally forgot to give her a spoon for her Frosty. (“Now I have to use a straw! And I have really sensitive jowls! Waaaaaaaaaaah!”)

Joe became the first reality show contestant in history to recognize irony in its correct context, which sucks, because: jorts. Jen wore a totally rocking unitard everywhere, which made it really easy to edit the part where she decided to nominate Nick just because she saw him hanging out with Daniele. Seriously, is anyone buying that? Also, I got totally jealous because Flipit got to recap the most hilarious episode ever. Well, second most hilarious: April crying about Pepperoni was pretty amazing too. Okay, third most hilarious: Ivette crying. Anyway, on with the show!
Julie actually looks sort of…nice? I know, I’m confused, too. Given the fact that Julie’s going to have some personality today, too, I’m starting to think that maybe this is the Chenbot’s evil twin from another dimension. Keep your eye out for a Robot Stargate!

Foolish Earthlings!

Julie’s wearing a subtle black dress that looks pretty good on her, and the now constant giant necklace isn’t even that bad. And I think her hair is smaller. She walks a bit awkwardly in the heels, but you try managing that while saying all of your lines correctly and executing complex binary equations with your calculator brain. Anyway, if anybody has Julie Chen’s number, hook me up. What? I have a Weird Science fantasy just like every other male my age. Don’t judge me!

It’s Day 20 in the Big Brother house, and Joe is, predictably, freaking out about his nomination. Dustin tells us that when Joe was nominated, a “wave of ecstasy” flushed over him from head to toe. Dude, I think you’ve been listening to a little too much house music. Daniele gives Joe a hug as she tells us that while she doesn’t really want her dad to go home, she’s happy not to be nominated anymore. Joe tells us that because he’s going against Dick, he’s pretty much screwed. He has a mini-freakout in the bathroom over being nominated, which causes Dani to fake apologize for playing a role in getting him put up. Joe tells us that he’s not going to be one of those “weepy sad rainclouds” that sits on the block and drags everybody else down. Stop taking subtle shots at Amber and making me like you before your eviction, please. Go back to screeching about Sexually Transmitted Diseases and wearing my grandpa’s clothes around the house so I can take pleasure in this.

He tells Dani not to feel bad about taking herself off the block. They cut out the part (and this actually happened on the feeds) where he tells her that she doesn’t want to end up being “the next Marcellas”. Marcellas, incidentally, mentioned the “drink every time Amber cries” game I talked about on Reality Remix this week. If you’re reading this (in your bathrobe, of course) than holler, Marcellas!

As Joe works Jessica for her vote, she tells us that she can’t really have anyone in the house who will try to take her out eventually, so she’s probably going to vote for Dick to stay. Wait, won’t…everyone want you out of the house eventually? That’s sort of how it works. So Joe unknowingly spoons with someone who is going to betray him. And who hasn’t been there, right?

The next day, Eric goes to the Diary Room to get his next America’s Player directive. Incidentally, he’s wearing a shirt that I find hilarious.

Awesome, because if you can’t point out the absurdity of using a national tragedy as an excuse to be an ignorant redneck idiot, what can you do, right? It’s pretty much awesome. On a side note, I also like the Oregon Trail shirt that says “You Have Died of Dysentery”, but mostly because it inadvertently functions as an insult to Kail.

Anyway, America has decreed that Joe must burn at the stake. Oh, America, you fickle bitch. First you want Eric to climb into bed with Joe, now you never want to see Joe again. America’s next task for Eric: haze that one fat girl in the sorority pledge class so much that she finally quits. Can’t have any fatties wearing the letters!

In the backyard, Dick and Kail talk on the hammock. Dick tells Kail that she’s painted an enormous target on her back through her close allegiance to Mike. Dick’s feet are perilously close to Kail’s face this whole time. I can’t imagine that’s very fun for her. They probably smell like the outside of a bar at around 3:30 in the morning.

Flipit, in my head: “Check between his toes for heroin veins!”

Kail tells him that she’s voting for him to stay as Dick tells us that he’s pretty confident that he’s got nothing to worry about.

Later in the HoH room, Kail tells Mike that they have to take Dick out because nobody’s ever going to go after him, so this might be their only shot. Kail tells us that since there are 10 Houseguests voting this week, she’ll have to get five so that Jen can break the tie. Kail’s bright idea is to try to get Daniele to vote out Dick. She goes to Daniele and tells her that the only thing that her father did right was to send her off to her grandparents. Wow. I know that Daniele doesn’t like her dad that much or whatever, but it’s one thing for her to talk shit about her own dad, and it’s another thing for some mom from Oregon that she’s known for two weeks to approach her and pass judgment about what a shitty father Dick is. This causes Daniele to tattle on Kail. Dick, of course, completely freaks out on Kail in the kitchen while Kail tries really hard to look like she doesn’t care. Everyone else in the room (including Eric and Jameka) sort of looks straight ahead to avoid eye contact with anybody, because then they’d crack up. What gives her away, of course, is the fact that she’s cleaning, which is a thing that some people do when they’re completely freaked out.

On top of it all, it looks like they have to use the shitty powdered coffee creamer that we have at my office. That’s cause for mutiny against the producers, right there. Oh my god, do the people on slop not get any coffee? I’ve never even thought about that. That’s…terrible. I would literally choke another houseguest out before I’d go on slop for the week, then. I would spend my entire tenure in the house setting up intricate booby traps that would prevent people from participating in the food competition. Everyone would be like, “Where’s Dustin?” and then I would have to be like, “Um…I think he’s in the big bedroom, maybe, like…with his leg in a bear trap? I’m really not sure. I thought I heard him crying this morning.”

As soon as Dick leaves, Kail gets all badass about how OMG, there are five people in the room right now! And that’s all we would need to get rid of Dick! Except one of those people is Jessica, who has already told us she’s voting Joe out! Between the Daniele thing and this, I must say that Kail’s strategery is not very good. After the scene, we’re back with the Chenbot, who tells us that we’ll be hearing from The Man Who Came Between Dustin And Joe. But first! Let’s hear what people have to say about tonight’s vote. Jessica tells us that she doesn’t like having Dick in the house (whom she calls “E.D.”) because he burps and farts a lot. Considering that in some areas of the country (read: my house), her voice widely considered to be equivalent to a fart, I’d maybe not be so quick to judge.

Back from the commercials and it’s time for Julie to harass the houseguests. Chen tries to make Daniele feel bad about saving herself instead of her dad, but Daniele sort of doesn’t feel bad, so good for her. Julie moves to Amber, who immediately grabs her necklace (HATE). She asks Amber, basically, why the fuck she cries so much, especially when half the shit she cries about has absolutely nothing to do with her. She tells Julie that she cries all the time because she’s just a really “from the heart” person. So, basically, the gist is that she’s such a good person that she can’t help it! She’s totally the most moral person ever! It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s a spineless wuss that can’t handle any aspect of the game at all and has to get other people to defend her because she’s too busy blubbering/getting hit in the face with a tetherball to think at all. Whatever. I’m sure she’s a nice person and all, but using God/your kids/private family stuff/every single thing that happens in the house to turn the attention onto yourself via massive crying jags is gross, and I cannot stand her. Next!

Julie gets her Eastern Bloc accent on as she attempts to squeeze more humor out of the strongman competition thing. That well never had much water in it in the first place there, Julie. Nice try, though! Julie goes to Jen, who completely freaks out over being harassed on the live show for the second week in a row. I’m sorry, but I completely love her, you guys. She has made this week so much fun to watch; she doesn’t take any of this too seriously, she’s so oblivious to everyone but herself that it ends up making her sort of awesome and hilarious to watch. If you haven’t read her HoH blog on the CBS site, GO RIGHT NOW. It is gold. Here are some choice samples:

“For starts this is so much fun to even be able to type…like you don’t even know.”

“I am not sure if you have noticed but there has been a lot of yelling, talking, and just pure madness going on.”

“While I am writing this blog I am not sure as to what to say and I am not going to be proofing it or anything just so you all know.”

“I would also like to say happy birthday to my dad, who’s birthday is tomorrow…June 20″

“Also If anyone could please just drive my car around the neighborhood for 5 minutes that would be great, the keys are in my car. “

Her car is so totally stolen, you guys. Also, can TVGasm please hire her after all this is over?

Julie tells Jen that she really took the “uni” out of “unitard”. I don’t know who fed Julie that line, but her improvisation program is on point this evening. The Chenbot, afraid of another “It was..fun?” fiasco like last week, doesn’t even give Jen a chance to respond and goes straight to Jessica to ask her about the unitard. Jessica (Who is looking pretty hot for the second straight week. And yes, I hate myself) is like, “Yeah, I’m straight up tired of looking at Jen’s ass, Julie. Also, my hair is large!”

My hair is full of secrets.

And now, my favorite moment of the evening: Julie introduces the man who came between Dustin and Joe by showing us photos in case we have forgotten which ones in the house wear jorts and overshare. They picked the best photo of Joe in history.

Goofus runs around the house and yells about how Gallant gave him the clap. Gallant takes revenge by voting his ass out of the house.

Nate (“The Man In The Middle”, and also “Big Gay Alfalfa”) talks about how Joe did “a grab bag” of things to Dustin. I hope they disposed of the bag. He also says that Joe could have “gotten gonorrhea from anywhere”. Seriously, this is scary: I live in the same area code as all of these people. If someone could draw me a map so that I could avoid the gonorrhea laden areas, that would be awesome. Remind me to take a blacklight next time I go out. Excuse me while I go set an Outlook Reminder.

Now there is a really sort of disturbing scene where Joe tries to get Dustin’s vote. Dustin, clearly still bitter, straight up tells Joe that he’s going to vote to evict him. Watching these two argue is sort of creepy because it’s actually real, with real emotions and feelings, and I feel like I’m spying. Anyway, Joe storms off in a hissyfit, unable to find a way out of the admittedly deep hole that he’s dug for himself. (Write your own “hole” joke here.)

Back from commercial, it’s time for Jen’s HoH interview. Julie pulls out the big guns and mocks Jen about her memory wall photo. To Jen’s credit, she laughs about it before taking the bait and going into gruesome detail about all of her problems with it, including “three chins”. What is she, a Family Guy character? Julie also asks Jen whether she nominated Dani out of jealousy, which Jen denies. I think that’s sort of half true. And did someone sneak into Julie’s robot housing facility and install a Brutal Honestly Chip or something? Her demeanor tonight is extremely forward.

Time for the live vote! First the nominees will have a chance to say a few words. Joe (who is wearing both a shirt that I own and a belt that I own, and yes, I hate myself more, and no, I do not own any jorts) actually calls himself a “great guy” during his goodbye speech, so he’s Dead To Me again, which is nice. Dick makes a lame joke about being shy and introverted that everyone gives an obligatory laugh. Dustin is the first one to vote. He votes for Joe, “and that’s that”.

I vote to evict my clavicle!

Daniele also votes for Joe, and then it’s Eric’s turn. Julie tells us that they have to let him vote so that his “cover isn’t blown”, so she asks Eric about the weather. Eric tells Julie that you can’t spell “America” without “Eric”. Oh, har har. Don’t tell Jen! She’ll get jealous and nominate you. She really has to try to find things in which to insert her name.

Amber’s next, and she’s playing with her necklace the whole time and votes to evict Joe. But not Jesus! He can stay.

WE GET IT. STOP WITH THE NECKLACE.

After another break, Kail votes to evict Dick, unsurprisingly. Then Mike comes in, and votes to evict Joe, and it’s over. Joe’s gone! Buttons and undershirts everywhere rejoice. The National Coalition of Jorts writes a stern letter to the FCC complaining of unfairness. Somewhere in America, the gay version of Al Sharpton starts writing a speech decrying Julie Chen.

Nick and Jessica also vote for Joe, even though it’s over by now. Zach gets really excited about voting for Joe and totally interrupts the flow of Julie’s patter. Now Zach will be punished.

Fetch my branding iron attachment. This man must pay.

Julie announces that Joe is evicted by a vote of 9-1. He goes down the line and gives everyone a hug, skipping right over Dustin. What, does he hold Dustin personally accountable for this or something? Whatever. Next time, don’t dress like my uncle who’s spending the day at Disneyland and run all over the house dropping gonorrhea references with your crooked hat.

At Joe’s interview, he tells Julie that he’s really bothered by the fact that Dustin’s still in there and he’s not, and he shows a surprising amount of tact. He actually seems like he’d be a really cool guy, except for the bitterness. Julie reveals Eric’s “America’s Player” twist, which Joe finds pretty amusing. I guess since they did that they won’t be letting anyone back into the house this year. Joe also gets his goodbye messages, the best part of which involves Jen, of course. She starts off with “Hey Joe, it’s Jen!” like maybe it’s possible he could mistake her for Nick. The messages end with Dustin talking down to Joe about his bitterness, and Joe breaks candor for a second to scoff at it. When Julie asks him why he laughs, Joe’s like, “Nothing, it’s just a face he made.” Since Julie doesn’t see faces, only layers of zeroes and ones, she segues into an Early Show pimp and heads to commercial.

This week’s HoH competition has a schoolhouse theme, so there are giant crayons and pencils scattered around the yard. I hope they get to keep those later, because I would totally put those in people’s beds while they slept. Julie is going to ask a question having to do with “Math, English, or History” and the houseguests will have to answer with a true/false cube in front of them. Dustin gets knocked out first over a question about Carol. (Who?) Zack, Jessica, Jameka, and Eric (who sneaks in a “fuck” on live TV) all get knocked out over a question about the butter. The third question is about all the animal-shaped topiaries, (Julie is very proud of having created them with her Julie Scissorhands, as I’ve mentioned). Julie asks if they’re based off of “Michaelangelo’s Garden of Eden Sculptures”. Kail answers True and gets knocked out, DUH. Who’s ever heard of a giraffe in the Garden of Eden? It totally would have eaten the fruit from the Tree of Life before Adam and Eve did (due to it’s ability to reach the high areas, of course), and then I’d be typing this recap with my enormously long tongue.

Nick and Amber get knocked out next over a question about Jen’s unitard, which has apparently become a houseguest of it’s own at this point. Is there any way we could get the unitard to host next week’s live show? Or, better yet, get Julie up in the unitard? That would be awesome.

Daniele, Dick, and Mike are left for the tiebreaker, which is about? JEN’S UNITARD. Even Jen is like “WTF with the unitard?”

So, how long has she been wearing the damn thing? Dick ends up missing by only five hours, so he’s HoH. I didn’t know it when the competition was going on, but right when it was announced, I stood up and clapped. Who knew I was rooting for Dick?

And hmm…I WONDER WHO’S GOING TO GET NOMINATED? It’s a mystery. But I bet it’s the person who was shitting her pants right afterwards.

I’m going to be drunk all weekend for my birthday, so you guys get Flipit on Sunday. See you Tuesday!